Chapter 1: But Really, I'm Fine.
Detective Fin Tutuola looked up as his partner made her way towards him.
"You still on for tonight?" he asked her.
Fin had invited Amanda and all the other detectives at SVU to his house for a New Year's Eve party. They had all promised they'd come, including Amanda, but she had been acting a little off lately and he half-expected her to change her mind.
But she surprised him by grinning and nodding her head. "Of course. Why pass up an excuse for a few drinks?"
He chuckled. "I should have known you'd say that. Just making sure you weren't gonna get cold feet last second."
"Come on, I wouldn't do that. You need at least ONE normal person there."
"Yeah, but you haven't exactly been acting yourself lately."
Her teasing smile faded, and he regretted saying anything,
"What do you mean?" There was a hint of ice in her voice, almost daring him to say something wrong and he preceded with caution.
"I just mean you aren't your usual cheerful self. You just seem more withdrawn and isolated lately."
"It's been a long week."
"Ive noticed it going on for longer than a week."
"Fine it's been a long COUPLE of weeks. I'm fine, just a little stressed lately."
"Does this have anything to do with your assault or abduction?"
He nearly cowered under the look he received.
"Fin, that happened a month ago."
"Recovery is a long process."
"Not when almost nothing happened."
"What are you talking about? You were raped-"
"Do you have to keep bringing that up?!" The words came out in a growl." It was all over in the matter of minutes! Why should it take over a month to get over a two-minute thing?"
Fin was silent. She had assured all of them that nothing happened when he abducted her. That they had saved her just in time. But he wasn't sure if he believed that. And he definitely didn't think she was as ok about it all that she was trying to convince them she was. But he decided to drop it for now.
"Alright." he said. "I'm sorry."
She nodded curtly, ducking her head. Probably slightly ashamed of losing her temper so quickly. Not that she'd ever admit it.
"But I'm here if you ever want to talk." he told her, placing a gentle hand on her arm.
She instinctively pulled away from his touch. He withdrew his hand, noticing the emotion that flashed through her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Amanda." Fin began. "I wasn't thinking-"
She waved away his apology. "No it's fine." she said. "I just didn't expect it."
She started walking away. "I got to get some paperwork done. I'll see you tonight."
She turned around to look at him. "I was serious about what I said before." he told her quietly. "About being here for you."
Her expression softened. "Thanks, Fin. But really, I'm fine."
She turned and walked away.
It was getting increasingly loud in Fin's apartment. With no help from Amanda, who had, evidently, bailed on him. He shouldn't have interrogated her earlier and risked upsetting her.
Because now it looked like she wasn't coming.
Liv appeared beside him. "Is Rollins not coming?"
Fin looked at her. "We're not at work, Liv. We don't have to be on a last-name basis. Just call her Amanda."
Liv shrugged. "Rollins seems more formal. And it's what I'm comfortable calling her by."
"Plus there's the fact we all know you don't really like her." Nick said, walking past.
Liv grabbed his arm to stop him.
"The hell's that supposed to mean?"
"Um...that you don't like her?"
"Yeah I got that, Nick." She was angry. And her alcohol consumption wasn't helping. "I mean why do you think I don't like her."
Nick rolled his eyes. "You are aware that you called the rest of us by our first names? What's so hard about calling Amanda by HER first name?"
"That doesn't mean I don't like her."
Nick shrugged. "Whatever you say. Sargent Benson."
She glared at him, knowing he called her that intentionally.
"Fine if it means that much to you, I'll call her Amanda. Jeez."
"Speaking of Amanda," Munch said, joining their group. "You told us she was coming, Fin."
"She said she was."
It was quiet for awhile, before Nick spoke up. "Has anyone noticed she seems to be acting a little different lately?"
"So I'm not the only one that noticed then?" Fin asked, relieved.
"Nah, I did too." Munch admitted.
"I didn't." Liv said.
The word was spoken barely audible. But Liv heard it anyway.
She whirled on Nick, who braced for her outburst.
Instead she walked away. "I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment. AMARO."
Fin snickered. He knew the two detectives had feeling for each other. And Nick proved it by rushing to catch up to her. He could hear him apologizing profusely.
He personally agreed with Amaro. Liv should notice these things. Amanda had been raped. You would think that Liv, of all people, would notice the effects of it.
Just then, the door opened almost on cue. "Amanda!" Fin said. "You decided to show up."
He smiled to show his comment was good–natured. She returned it.
"Yeah. Sorry, I fell asleep and lost track of time."
"No biggie. I'm just glad you're here. Grab a drink and join us."
She laughed. "I could use a drink."
Amanda looked around, trying to find who was calling her. It was Liv.
Fin could have laughed at Amanda's startled expression. "Oh hey boss." she said.
"Boss is too formal." Liv said. "We're at a party."
"Oh...okay." Liv looked at Fin, who shrugged, grinning.
Amanda looked at Liv closely. "Don't take this the wrong way." She told her. "But are you drunk?"
Nick nearly spit out his wine and was so overcome in a fit laughter he had to walk away.
"No." Liv said, pretending like she didn't notice Nick. "Why?"
Amanda shook her head. "Just wondering."
It was getting really late and his colleagues were still going strong. He looked around for Amanda and found her sitting by herself. There were seven bottles scattered on the floor around her.
"Hey." He said. "Don't you think you should slow down a bit?"
She responded by taking another swig of her beer bottle. "No I'm good." Her speech was slurred.
Fin gently took the bottle from her hands, causing her to object loudly.
He stood up, pulling her with him. She stagggered, unable to support herself. Liv, who had walked over to see what was going on, was able to grab her around the waist before she hit the floor.
"Whoah, Amanda." she said, trying to keep her on her feet but was struggling under her weight.
Fin took over and lead Amanda over to the couch. She giggled. "Wow Fin! You're so strong!"
Oh dear God. He prayed that Munch or Nick wasn't watching. Or he'll never hear the end of this.
"You're so cute." She continued. "Especially when you beat bad guys up. It's pretty hot."
He exchanged looks with Liv, who was laughing behind her hands.
"I'm glad you find this amusing." he told her.
Liv was giggling to hard to answer, which sent Amanda into another fit of drunken laughter.
Then Amanda stopped laughing. "I sound funny."
Liv snickered. "That's because you're drunk, Amanda. Your words are slurring."
"I feel so happy." Amanda said. "And I don't have to think about stuff. Or feel scared."
Fin sat down beside her. "Scared of what?"
"Them. They scare me."
She shrugged, before grinning.
"But I don't have to be scared around you. You'd beat them up for me."
"I'd beat who up?"
"You won't let them hurt me."
Fin felt like he was talking to a toddler who couldn't understand what he was saying.
Liv sat on the other side of Amanda. "Can you tell us who?"
"The people that sent the scary texts."
"What did the texts say?"
"They scared me over the phone, too."
"Someone's been calling and texting you?" Liv asked. "Were they threats?"
Suddenly, Amanda seemed to shut down and wouldn't answer.
"No." she sad, before trying to stand up. "Stop asking me questions."
"I think I'm gonna go home."
Fin immediately shook his head. "You are way to drunk to get behind the wheel."
She tried to walk around him, but lost her balance and fell to the floor. "I'm not that drunk." She said, struggling to her feet. "And I'm going home."
Liv rolled her eyes as Fin helped her to her feet. He grabbed Amanda's shoulders and shook her. "Amanda, look at yourself!" he snapped. "You can't even walk!"
Comprehension finally started to dawn over her, and she looked down. "Yeah I guess." she muttered, allowing him to lead her back to the couch again.
"Amanda," he tried again. "Have people been threatening you?"
She shook her head. "No. Can we talk about something else now?"
"But Amanda," Liv told her. "If someone's been scaring you, you have to tell us."
"So we can help."
"What if there's nothing you can do about it?"
"What do you mean."
"If they're good at what they do."
She leaned forward and whispered, "Like they're invivisble."
"We found a lot of people who were said to be 'invisible', remember?" Liv said.
"We're good at what we do."
Rollins heaved a sigh. "I'm tired. Can we talk about this some other time?"
Fin open his mouth to object, but Liv shut him down with a look.
"Sure." she said. "We can talk about it when you feel more up to it."
She looked at Fin. "There's no way I'm letting her drive home."
Fin gave a humorless laugh. "Yeah." he said. "You and me both. Maybe..."
He could hardly believe he was suggesting this. "She could spend the night here."
Liv looked at him. "You have a spare bedroom?"
He wished. "No. But I can change the sheets in my bed and she can sleep there. I'll camp out on the couch."
"You're willing to do that?"
"Why not?" He nudged Amanda. "That sound good to you?"
Between him and Liv, they were able to guide her to the bedroom. Liv held her by the waist, trying to keep her on her feet as Fin changed the sheets.
"Okay." he said, setting her on the bed. "Go on to sleep." He tossed her a t-shirt that was too big-even for him. "You can sleep in this if you want."
"Kay. Thanks Fin."
He nodded, thinking it was cute how dependent she was when she was drunk.
He went to shut off the light.
"No!" Amanda's tone was frantic. "Can you leave it on?"
Wondering what made her so afraid of the dark, he smiled. "Of course. Sorry about that."
He left, closing the door behind him.
Fin and Olivia just looked at each other.
"Well something's definitely wrong with her." Fin said.
Liv looked trouble. "I was the ONLY one who didn't realize something has been off with her."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. You have a lot on your plate."
"I'm the boss. It's my job to look after you all."
She shot him a look. "You know what I mean." she said. "I should be the one to realize something is wrong."
Fin didn't know what to say. So he just leaned against the wall and scanned the party. Everyone seemed to be having fun. He wished he knew what was wrong with Amanda. Knew who's been bothering her. Then he could've fixed it and they could both be happy and having fun right now.
That's when his eyes fell on the phone lying on the dining room table. It was Amanda's. He picked it up.
"We could read her messages." he said quietly.
Liv looked conflicted. "As your superior, I'm telling you that I can't let you do this."
Fin faced her, ready to have an arguement about it.
"But as your friend...." she continued. "I just assumed that you were reading your own messages."
He smiled, punching in the passcode to unlock her phone. "How did you know that?" Liv asked."Did she tell it to you?"
"Do I want to know how you know Amanda's passcode?"
"Do I want to know how many passwords you know?"
"Everyone's on the squad."
"I mean nope."
She gave him a look before looking over his shoulder to look at the phone.
Fin opened the messages, scrolling through them. "Wait." Liv said, stopping his search by pointing to an unknown number. "What's that one?"
He opened the conversation and they read it silently.
(Amanda)MAY I ASK WHO THIS IS?
(Unknown)YOU DONT NEED TO KNOW
(Unknown)YOUR'RE A WHORE
Liv and Fin shared a look. Was this person referring to her assault? (Amanda)WHO THE HELL IS THIS
(Unknown)YOU'RE PRETTY. I LIKE THE T-SHIRT YOURE WEARING
(Amanda)ARE YOU STALKING ME? LEAVE ME ALONE!
(Unknown)YOU THINK WHAT HAPPENED
LAST WEEK WAS BAD?
IM THINKING OF DOING A
WHOLE LOT WORSE
Fin shared a look with Liv. "It'll be pretty hard to move on from what happened with this bastard threatening her like this." Liv said quietly.
They read the more recent ones.
(Unknown)WHY ARENT YOU
ANSWERING MY CALLS
(Amanda)PLEASE I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU. STOP.CALLING.ME!
(Unknown)DID YOU GET MY PRESENT
(Amanda)YES.HOW DID YOU GET THAT PICTURE OF ME? I WAS IN MY ROOM.
(Unknown)I LIKE WATCHING YOU.
(Amanda)STAY AWAY FROM ME
"I can see why she's been scared." Fin whispered.
Chapter 2: How Could You
Amanda gets mad when she finds out Liv and Fin goes behind her back.
Texts are written completely capitalized.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Fin heard his bedroom door open and smiled. That means Amanda was awake. But that also meant he had to bring up what he and Liv had found on her phone. That wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to. He just hoped she didn't get too angry with him. He seemed to be making her mad a lot lately.
She shuffled into the kitchen and gave a small smile when she saw him. "I must look awful." she mumbled.
Fin laughed, observing her messy hair and smudged makeup.
"Nah." he said.
She raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"
"Okay yah you kinda do." he admitted, before taking a deep breath.
"So about what we were talking about last night..."
She groaned. "Uggghh! I was so drunk. I'm sorry for anything I might have said that was inappropriate."
He laughed. "You were pretty goofy. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. You let some stuff slip about someone that's been threatening you."
He saw her stiffen. "Like I said: I was drunk. You can't rely on anything I said being true."
"Amanda I know you weren't lying."
"No you don't. You don't know anything. Why can't you just believe me when I said I'm fine? That the assault isn't affecting me?"
Fin paused, before pulling out her cell phone. "This is why."
He saw fury flash in her eyes. "You went through my phone?!" she yelled." You are NOT allowed to do that!"
"But it confirms that what you were saying was accurate. You need to report this."
"I don't NEED to report ANYTHING!" she growled. "And you had no right to invade my privacy!"
He held up her phone. "You aren't scared by these messages? Someone SAW you in your ROOM and sent a picture of it. That has to be terrifying."
She hesitated. "That doesn't have anything to do with you going behind my back. How could you?!"
"I know. But Liv and I–"
"Liv knows too?"
He wish he could take back his words.
"She started to worry too. And it was my idea. She just allowed me."
"This is just great. So who else knows?"
"No one Amanda."
"Why should I believe you? Because you made it obvious I can't trust you."
"I promise only Luv and I know. And you can still trust me."
"Amanda you should know me enough by now to know that I only do this if I know something is wrong. Because I care."
She was silent.
"Are you really that mad at me?" Fin asked quietly, walking over to stand beside her.
Amanda shook her head. "Not really. I'm kind of relieved to tell the truth. But I'm just so stressed and anxious. And I just took it out on you."
She looked over at him. "But you really shouldn't go through my stuff." She added, reaching to pull her phone from his grip.
He grabbed her hand before she take her phone. "You HAVE to do something about this." he said, gesturing to the phone. "Because it's not just a little thing."
Almost on cue, her phone vibrated with a text. The both looked down at the lit up screen.
(Unknown)WHY DIDNT U COME HOME LAST NIGHT
Fin looked at Amanda. "Can I text him back?" he asked.
Amanda nodded. "Be my guest."
(Amanda)WHO ARE YOU? YOU ACT SO TOUGH BUT YOU ARE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
They waited for a response.
(Unknown)I THOUGT IT WAS OBVIOUS.
(Amanda)WHAT DO YOU MEAN
(Unknown)YOUR A SLUT. YOU DO IT WITH MY BUDDY AND THEN ACCUSE HIM OF RAPE. HE'S BEHIND BARS THANKS TO YOU
(Amanda)IT WASN'T JUST AN ACCUSATION. BESIDES, KIDNAPPING ITSELF IS ENOUGH TO PUT HIM BEHIND BARS
(Unknown)COME ON. YOUR A WHORE. JUST ADMIT IT
(Amanda)LEAVE ME ALONE
(Unknown)NOT FOR FREE I WONT
,(Amanda)HOW DO YOU FIGURE
(Unknown)MY BUDDY GOT LUCKY WITH YOU. SO YOU'D GET DOWN FOR ANYONE I FIGURE
Fin could feel Amanda freeze beside him.
(Unknown)FINE. BUT DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU WHEN THEY COME
Amanda)WHEN WHO COMES
But Fin never got a response.
Fin pulled into Amanda's driveway. "You don't have to do this." Amanda said. But Fin knew he did. He saw Amanda's reaction when the dude texted her. She was pretty shaken up. She needed him... even if she didn't know it. She deserved to feel safe. And he couldn't put into words how much she meant to him
But Fin just looked at her. "Well having you stay here while they watch your house isn't an option. So until we figure this out, you're at my place."
She smiled at him. "Will you come in with me while I pack?"
Between the two of them, it only took twenty minutes to pack everything they needed.
"We can always come back if you forgot something." Fin said.
As they got back in the car, Amanda's phone vibrated.
(Unknown)LOOKS LIKE YOU ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE. YOU JUST MOVE FROM GUY TO GUY. YOU TELL HIM TO WATCH HIS BACK.
Hi! I hope you like this story so far! I'm pretty new at this so I would really appriciate some feedback on what you guys think! Whether it be good or bad :)
Chapter 3: Won't Take You For Granted
It's all pretty calm at Fin's place...until tragedy strikes.
So sorry it took so long to update. I was in the process of moving and dealing with other stuff...anyway, here it is! Enjoy! :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Amanda stood in front of the stove, absentmindedly stirring the food on it. Fin had originally insisted that she allow him to cook while she sat and relaxed in the living room. He saw sense when Amanda pointed out that he could hardly make toast-which was TRUE. Amanda found herself growing more and more attached to him. She couldn't get the rescue kiss out of her mind. She knows that he cares so much about her, and she found the realization endearing.
Fin strolled into the kitchen, tearing her from her thoughts. He stood close to her, leaning against the counter. The closeness to him was comforting and she casually shifted so that she was even closer to him. She looked up in time for their eyes to lock and they just stared at each other. She smiled and spoke up, breaking them both from their trance.
"I never did truly thank you for protecting me here."
Fin made a disapproving sound. "You don't have to thank me, Manda. What else was I 'posed to do?"
Amanda only smiled and shook her head. He was just too good of a person. She didn't deserve him. The smile vanished from her face at the thought. She had to tell him. He needed to know if they were going to take any steps forward to starting a relationship.
She cleared her throat. "There's something you should probably know, Fin."
He looked at her, the carefree look dropping from his face, obviously anxious about what she was going to say. "Yes?" He pressed.
Amanda took a deep breath. "So you know how I was...um... assaulted?" She couldn't get herself to say the word raped out loud. At least when it was applying to herself.
Fin nodded, waiting for her to continue.
"Ok, so well..." She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself just to say it and get it over with. "I'm pregnant."
Fin eyes widened slightly, not expecting that. And Amanda knew he was about to say something. But he never got a chance to respond. Because in the next instant, there was a deafening explosion and the window shattered. Amanda screamed, looking down at the unmoving Fin, watching the red stain grow around him.
Sorry it's a little short. But I had to end it abruptly for effect. Tell me what ya think! :)
Chapter 4: Must Have Been The Drugs
Amanda tolls over her emotions while she waits to hear news of Fin's fate.
I know I'm always saying this, but i'm so sorry for the delay of the update. it's been super super busy!!
Amanda paced the waiting room, unable to sit still. The doctor hadn't been out with news in over an hour and a half. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. It could mean he didn't die...that they were still working on him. Or he was gone, had died from the bullet to protect her. She squeezed her eyes shut against the thought. This was all her fault. A tears slid down her cheek. Why did she always have to get involved with the wrong people? Fin was too good for her. She didn't deserve him, never would.
She just wasn't good enough. She couldn't have him risk her life for her anymore. She made up her mind to stay away from Fin. And to do that, she had to join a different department. She would miss SVU dearly, but she was too much of a burden for them. And now she was pregnant. And of all things, it was a rape baby. Someone layed a hand on her shoulder, startling her away from her thoughts. It was Liv. Amaro stood close behind her. Liv must have seen the puffiness of Amanda's eyes. "Are you alright?" she asked, concern creasing her brow. Amanda swallowed hard before nodding. Now would be a good time to tell Sarge about her decision to transfer.
"This isn't your fault." Liv said, seemingly reading her mind. "And I don't want you to think it is. Not for a second."
Amanda shook her head. "If it weren't for me, then Fin-"
"Amanda." Amaro cut her off. "Stop. Liv is right. Don't blame yourself."
Amanda choked up for a second. Clearing her throat, she said, "I'm tranferring from SVU."
Both Liv and Amaro looked taken back. "Amanda..." Liv said. "Don't make that decision right now. Wait till everything clears up. You might not be thinking rationally, due to the circumstances. You might chance your mind."
Amanda knew she wouldn't, but she nodded regardless. She just wasn't in the mood to argue right now. With a sigh, she plopped down in a chair, rubbing the headache forming behind her eyes. She heard Liv sit down next to her, then a hand rubbing her back. Not a word was spoken for the next hour. *** All three of them quickly got to their feet as the doctor walked over to them. Amanda held her breath, blinking back tears.
Please don't be dead...please don't be dead...please don't be dead...
The doctor then smiled and Amanda felt a surge of hope. "He's going to be ok." he informed them. There was a loud, blowing sound as the three of them let out a breath of relief at the same time. Amanda wanted to lean forward and give the doctor a hug, but resisted the urge.
"Can we see him?" Amaro asked.
They followed him to a hospital room, where Fin was waiting. He smiled when he saw him. "You guys are the most beautiful thing I've seen all day." he said, making a face.
They laughed. "Hey Fin," Amaro said. "Can you please tell Amanda that she can't leave SVU?"
Amanda avoided FIn's gaze as he looked at her. "Now why would you wanna do that?" Fin asked her. "Because of what happened? Naw Amanda. That wasn't your fault. I was glad to protect you."
Amanda looked at him, before nodding. "I'll stay." she said quietly."
Fin grinned. "Good." he and Liv said at the same time. Then he yawned. "Not that i don't love you all..." he said. "But can you leave so I can go to sleep?"
They chuckled. "Sure." Liv told him.
Amanda walked over and hugged him. "Thanks for not dying." she whispered in his ear."
"Thanks for not leaving." he whispered back. Before she knew what was happening, he leaned in and kissed her. In front of Liv and Amaro!
Amanda stood, dumbfounded. "Now go away so I can rest." Fin said.
Amanda walked over to where Fin and Amaro were standing. They smirked at her and she looked down, blushing.
"Must have been the drugs." she said, grinning