“I can’t do this anymore, our relationship.”
He wasn’t expecting Eijun to be up.
He had been planning how to tell him for so long that he thought there was no way something could go wrong… except for the news, that is.
He completely forgot that Eijun had a big assignment to hand in in a few days and it was taking up all of his time recently. But it was past midnight, so he thought maybe Eijun was asleep. He usually came home past nine and went to sleep just before midnight but Youichi guessed the date of the assignment was getting close.
There’s no going back he tried to convince himself. It’s now or never.
Eijun looked up from the paper he was working on, and turned around, facing Youichi.
“Youichi-san…” He tried to talk, the confusion visible on his face and voice. He was sure he heard wrong. There was no way in hell Youichi meant that.
“Stop. Don’t say anything. I already made up my mind. This is not going to work. We both know it had to happen eventually, and I think it’s time for us to stop pretending everything is okay, we’ve dragged this out long enough.” Youichi said, feeling the words burn his mouth on their way out and watching as Eijun’s eyes lost their all-around glint, while his skin paled a sickly green.
Lately, since Youichi got a part time job in an editorial office while finishing his last year of college and Eijun started as a P.E. student teacher in a high school near their place, both of them had been so busy, they barely saw each other –and when they did, it usually ended up in a fight fuelled by stress and tiredness.
“No,” Eijun lifts his left hands to his temple and looks down, trying to understand what Youichi just said, “It’s the stress, yeah. It’s the stress talking. You, you’re not thinking, right? Is this your idea of a prank, it’s not funny, Youichi-san, it’s not.”
He scans through his mind. All their fights and arguments; looking for something he said differently that made Youichi want to break up with him. He can’t find anything. As much as they fight, they always made up relatively quickly.
“We both know this isn’t working. We’ve tried, but it’s not working. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. We’ll be better if we’re not together. You’ll concentrate better in your job and school and so will I. it’s gonna be better if we’re not together, it’s gonna be better.” Youichi tries to reassure Eijun but he doesn’t sound convincing in the sightless and he knows that in normal circumstances Eijun would notice, but these aren’t normal circumstances.
“No matter how many times you repeat that, you won’t convince me… or yourself,” sorrow and pain clear in his voice.
“Do you even like me? At least as much as you used to?” He continues, trying to ignore Eijun’s sob. “C’mon, we barely spend time together, I get here so late, by the time I make it to bed you’re already asleep, and even when we do have time, the only thing we do is fight and over stupid shit, like right now. You’re stressing me out and I’m doing the same to you.”
He waits for Eijun to say something, when he stays there, sobbing quietly, he continues.
“Besides, a time apart for us is gonna be good. You’ve never dated anyone else and you need to experience what college is and going to group dates and parties and you can’t do that if you’re with me. We’ve been together for so long, I bet you can’t even remember what it was like before we started, we’re becoming so dependent of each oth–“
“Stop, please, just stop,” Eijun cries, he now has both hands in his eyes, trying to stop the tears to no avail, his paper already long forgotten.
Saying Eijun never thought about the little time they had lately would be a lie. But going as far as to break up because they couldn’t see each other every day was something that never crossed his mind.
Youichi was right, though. He was so used to them being together that he couldn’t even imagine a life where he wasn’t around. Even if they weren’t in a relationship. But that was generally speaking, not an option or a possibility.
“You’re not thinking this through,” he ends up saying after a while because what else is he supposed to say? Though he’s aware Youichi had been talking for a while now, his brain can’t process what he’s saying. But he understands very well that Youichi is breaking up with him.
“Hey, listen… listen,” he feels Youichi’s hands cupping his face, trying to get him to look up. His senses numb but he faintly feels Youichi’s thumb on his cheeks, tracing the streak of his tears.
“I’m doing this for us. If we stay together, we’re just gonna hurt each other. I’m doing this because I love you but I don’t want to hurt y–”
“You don’t,” yells Eijun, “If you love me, you’d never do this. You’d try to make it better just like I am. I know it’s hard, Youichi-san, I know it is but I’m trying because I do love you–“
“No, don’t you dare ‘Eijun’ me. You’re just running the fuck away. Please don’t do this,” he cries harder. He doesn’t realize how or when but now he’s in front of Youichi, his hands clenching Youichi’s shirt, his knuckles going white but still trying to ground him so he doesn’t go away. He’s scared. “Please don’t do this. I’ll fix whatever I did wrong. I won’t do it again, I’ll do whatever to make you stay, but, please,” his voice is nothing but a murmur, “don’t l-leave me. You promised,” he whispers to no one, the necklace around his neck feels so heavy. “You promised.”
“I’m sorry, Sawamura, I love you so much, I want you to be happy,” and that’s the last thing Youichi says before taking Eijun’s hands in his and off his shirt, grabbing a few of his things and he’s out the door just as soon as he came in.
Eijun doesn’t know where Youichi’s going but the tears and the heartache won’t even allow him to get off the floor where he fell after he heard the door closing behind Youichi.
“Where are you?” Asks Youichi out of breath.
“Youichi? At least say hi or something. What do you want? It’s like 2 in the morning,” replies Ryosuke annoyed.
“Where are you?”
“My place, why?”
“Eijun and I… kinda broke up,” he says, holding back a sob.
“What? Are you okay? You can come,” Ryosuke assures him and then adds, “ Haruichi is here, that okay?”
“Yeah, I’m almost there.”
“Can you come?” Eijun chokes out. “I don’t think I can be alone right now.”
“Give me a second, Eijun-kun, I’m on my way right now. Don’t do anything. I’ll be there in a bit,” replies Haruichi but the only thing he gets back is silence and eventually the call ends.
When Ryosuke woke him up and told him Kuramochi was on his way because he broke up with Eijun, Haruichi knew it was just a matter of time before he got a call from Eijun. He was already on his way out –after getting a set of clothes in his backpack, when Eijun indeed called him.
He saw Kuramochi rounding the corner on his way out but he decided it was better if he didn’t greet him even if they’re friends. If the break up was serious, he knows he’d have to take Eijun’s side, same as Miyuki would take Kuramochi’s and Furuya Eijun’s.
He can’t quite believe they broke up. Youichi and Eijun had been together for so long, Haruichi thought they were going to be together forever. They were so in love with each other. Even before they actually got together.
He finally sees Eijun and Kuramochi’s place. He lives just a few blocks away, so it didn’t take him a long time to get there. He goes up the fly of stairs, ready to knock on the door but stops himself when he realizes the door is open.
He lets himself in with a ‘Sorry for disturbing’ and braces himself for whatever waits for him inside. Eijun is sitting on the couch, his eyes so red and puffy it looks painful and the floor is littered with used tissues. He isn’t crying anymore but just whimpering and hiccupping, a bit out of breath.
“Eijun-kun, your door was open.”
“…That can be dangerous.”
“I don’t- I don’t care.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks, finally. No point in delaying what he will have to ask eventually.
“What’s to talk about? Youichi-san left me,” Eijun answers and starts to cry again, not even trying to hold back.
“Did he say why?” Haruichi doesn’t know if this is the right approach, but he also doesn’t know what to say. He never thought he’d find himself in this position, and if it happened, he was sure it would be with a different person and not with Eijun who claimed he was going to be with Kuramochi ‘forever and ever and ever’ .
“He didn’t want to hurt me,” Eijun cries. “Well surprise.” He tries to laugh it off but it comes out like a painful sob.
“Was that the only thing he said?” Asks Haruichi then again.
Eijun looks at him like he just hit his mother and gets up from the couch, some tissues falling to the floor to join the others, Ah! I stepped on a mine, he thinks before Eijun explodes.
“How the fuck am I supposed to know?! I was just finishing my fucking paper when he fucking told me it wasn’t fucking working! Maybe I should ask you why the fuck he left me. I bet he’s at your fucking place with Ryosuke-san. Like the fucking coward he is. ‘ I don’t wanna hurt you’ ” he mimics Youichi, “well fuck , you fucking did, fucking bastard. We’ve been fucking together for almost five fucking years and he fucking thinks he can fucking end things like this? Who t-the fuc-k does he thi-thinks he is” he falls back on the couch. Crying even harder.
Haruichi runs to sit next to him and pulls him close so Eijun’s head is on his chest while he caresses his hair softly, whispering things Eijun won’t even listen or understand and Haruichi knows but he still does.
After what feels like hours he decides to stay the night at Eijun’s place, tomorrow is Saturday so none of them have classes to attend to, luckily he packed an extra set of clothes taking the possibly of staying into account.
They sleep in the living room. There’s only one room in their place and Eijun refuses to go in, so Haruichi helps him get the extra futon they have around and moving the couch and table to the sides, they spread it in the living room.
They don’t really sleep. Not until early morning when Eijun finally stops crying, giving himself to sleep and Haruichi follows when he makes sure Eijun won’t wake up in a while.
“Could you stop crying and finally tell me what happened?” Ryosuke asks Youichi after they’d been sitting on Haruichi’s couch for an hour or so.
“I broke up with him,” sobs out Youichi.
“If you’re the one who broke up with him then why are you crying like he did it?”
“You should’ve seen his face, Ryo-san.”
“You should see yours, here.” Ryosuke hands him a towel he fetch while Youichi cried. “Now, clean your face, breathe, and tell me what happened.” He says slowly.
“I broke up with him,” Youichi says again. “I couldn’t stand it, Ryo-san. He looked so bad, I feel so bad. He was asking me if he did something wrong, if he could fix it . I love him so much, but, it’s just… lately, the only thing we do is fight and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was hurting him. And it’s not just that, we’ve become so dependent of the other and I don’t kn–”
“What’s wrong with that?” Interrupts Ryosuke.
“I’m the only person he’s ever dated.”
“He needs to go out and meet people, he can’t be with me all his life. Like, I’ve been with girls, but not him. We started dating in high school and now we’re almost done with college, it’s been like five years, he needs to know what freedom is and enjoy his life.”
“What about you? Don’t you need your freedom and all that bullshit?”
“I’m sure I wanna be with him, I don’t need freedom,” he replies instantly, before he can ever register he did.
“And yet you broke up with him?”
“You think it was a mistake, right?”
“Do you even need to ask?” Ryosuke, gets up from the couch to make some tea. He didn’t do it before because he was honestly worried about his friend, but now that he’s calmer he decides a tea would be good.
After a while, he puts the steaming mug in front of Youichi. It takes the shortstop a while to realize what Ryosuke did. He looks so lost.
“May I stay here?” Youichi says rubbing his eyes and drinking the last of his tea, already.
“I saw your bag, you’re not going anywhere. Take my room, just for tonight. I’ll sleep in Haruichi’s, he’ll probably stay at your place. I told him to take an extra set of clothes, but you’ll have to go back if you need something else, I’m not getting between you two and I’m sure Haruichi thinks the same way.” Ryosuke finishes, grabbing the now empty mugs in one hand and taking them to the kitchen.
They get set for bed and Youichi thanks Ryosuke for letting him stay. He knows Youichi’s not sleeping tonight but he still tells him to sleep it off. Like that’s even possible and Ryosuke still can’t understand why his friend came here instead of Miyuki’s place but knowing Miyuki, Ryosuke is the best option so he doesn’t pry more into the situation, like Miyuki would, and goes to sleep.
“Good night.” Ryosuke says, turning the lights off.
Haruichi was just heading out of his place to go back to Eijun’s when he sees Kuramochi coming up the stairs, it’s already past noon so he deduces he didn’t have to go to work today and just came back from class. If the bag he’s carrying and the casual clothes is something to go by.
He’s tried to avoid him as much as he can but with Kuramochi living there and Haruichi going there almost every day it’s almost impossible to evade him. He usually doesn’t ask anything and just greets him normally, though they both realize how uncomfortable the other is but this time he actually stops Haruichi and asks about Eijun. It takes Haruichi a while to answer, to think of the nicest way to put it. He comes empty handed so he goes for cliché.
“He’s okay,” he says and leaves the household before Youichi can ask him something else.
When he gets to Eijun’s place, he doesn’t see him at first, but by know he’s used to that. For some odd reason, when Eijun’s feeling bad, he cleans and then takes a shower. And seeing as the place is impeccable, he’s probably taking a shower.
“Eijun-kun?” Haruichi calls him.
“I’m going out,” he answers back.
“Where are you going?” He doesn’t get a reply instantly but after a little while he hears Eijun coming out of the shower. Luckily he’s been sleeping more, or… he’s sleeping. The dark circles under his eyes are fading but he still looks pale and hollow. He goes to class normally, he finishes his assignments and projects in time, he’s keeping touch with the rest of his friends at school and he’s passing all his tests. Haruichi doesn’t say it aloud but he’s proud of his friend for moving on, with his life, in a way.
“You don’t need to unpack, we’re going back to your place,” he says
“I’m sorry I made you go all the way there–”
“I… I don’t think that’s a good idea, Eijun-kun. Kuramochi-san is still there.” Haruichi warns him, but he knows it’s in vain. The determination in Eijun’s eyes say so.
“I know. I wanna talk to him and I know he’s not coming anytime soon, or not while I’m here. I know he comes back when I’m in class or at the school. I’ve noticed some of his things are gone, but, I need to talk to him and if I don’t do it now, I’ll get cold feet. I need to know why he did it. I’m doing this for myself, I’m tired of wondering if I did something wrong or if it was something unavoidable, I’m tired of sleeping in the living room, and I can’t get any answers by moping around, I need to talk to him and ask him why.” Eijun says without even breathing. He waits until Haruichi finally speaks.
“Okay. I’ll go with you, Eijun-kun, but, I’ll also come back with you.” He is sure Eijun’s going to get bad again if he sees his ex-boyfriend so he rather be with him. To avoid… problems.
It’d been few weeks since Kuramochi came to his and Haruichi’s place, trying to escape from Eijun after he broke them up.
The first few nights, Ryosuke could hear his friends crying himself to sleep, sometimes in bed, sometimes walking from one corner of the room to the other, sometimes in the bathroom and the like. Ryosuke had never seen him like that in all the years he had of knowing Kuramochi. He thought Kuramochi was a bad-mouthed brat with a delinquent complex and a hard time socializing, and even after years of Kuramochi changing, the main parts of him still remained, but this Kuramochi he’d had the opportunity to know, is not what Ryosuke expected at all.
He honest to God wished he knew of a way to stop his friend constant crying because it made him feel bad, he was clearly suffering but he also knew what Kuramochi did was a mistake, though rubbing salt in the wound wasn’t going to help so, most of the time he stayed quiet, hearing his friend sob in the next room. It eventually stopped though not completely; he went from head on crying, to quietly sobbing, to looking depressed 24/7, to being quiet for hours, and answering to everything in a monosyllabic way or not at all.
He kind of wanted to do something to help his friend or to make him feel better. That was weeks ago, though. Now he prefers the crying or quiet Kuramochi over the one he has had to deal with the past days. He was constantly getting into fights in school, like a damn kid and sometimes even drinking himself until he passed out and if worst came to worst, he might end up losing his job and without a degree.
That was what worried Ryosuke the most. Kuramochi got in school with a baseball scholarship and if he wasn’t for the early trainings or ready for a game, no matter how good of a player he is, he might end up expelled, of the team and school, so even if Kuramochi doesn’t want to go pro in the first place, he still needs that scholarship to finish school, plus he only has like a month left, so what kind of friend would Ryosuke be if he leaves Kuramochi to ruin his life being so close to the finish line? To be fair, he didn’t understand how someone could get so bad after a break-up but, hey, they had been together for almost five years so, that’s something.
That’s why after a lot of talking and convincing from him and luckily Miyuki’s part, Kuramochi decided to move in with one of his co-workers. Part of it was also because he said he didn’t want to bother the Kominatos anymore. Mostly because Haruichi had practically been living with Eijun since they broke up. Ryosuke thinks there are more reasons than just that.
They both had come to the conclusion that even if Kuramochi isn’t near Eijun anymore, just by being or sleeping in his ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s room was enough for Kuramochi to remember Eijun constantly. That and the fact that both of them go to the same school and the possibility of finding Eijun was very possible .
So with that being said, Kuramochi started going, every time he could, to the apartment he shared with Eijun to collect his things. He did it when Eijun was in class or at the school where he worked twice a week to not confront him, although Ryosuke had told him more than once that they needed to talk, he gave up after the 5th time Kuramochi tried to kick him.
But as much as Kuramochi wanted to move right away, his new roommate had to deal with some issues before he moved, so most of the things, the ones he collected after the break up and the ones he brought with him, were all still in the Kominatos’ home. Only waiting for the new place to be ready.
It’s been 37 days and 14 hours since the breakup. Youichi knows that counting the days and even hours won’t do him any good but that doesn’t stop him.
He tried to cry it out, sleep it off, literally fistfight it and drink himself to the next year but he still feels like what he did was the worst thing a person could do. He believes it, even.
Waking up in a room that isn’t his… or at least not anymore, having breakfast by himself… when he feels like eating, and going back to a different place and not his home , is something he isn’t used to and even after days and days he still feels out of place. Because I am out of place, He thinks every time.
Leaving Eijun was simply one of the hardest things he’s done. He wonders if his dad ever felt that after he left his mother and him alone. That’s something that he’s been thinking about a lot. His father. Not because he feels the need to reconnect with him but because now he can’t help but think they’re the same.
He bets that if he tells Eijun about it, he’ll probably say they’re not the same and that Youichi is better than his father. He’ll probably make tea for the both of them, maybe they’d watch a movie with popcorn or pizza and cuddle the rest of the night. Even after Youichi feels better, because that’s just how Eijun is.
There he goes, thinking about Eijun again. It’s just… everything reminds him of Eijun. Even the sun itself reminds him of the golden eyed boy he loves so much.
He misses his dorky bed hair, his way to strong coffee, his voice, the way he moved after waking up, how obsessed he was with not putting the feet on top of tables. His weird ass shirts, his cat-like eyes when he was determined to do something. How much he liked to tickle Youichi or when he called him Cheetah-sama to get him mad. The way he always found the time to finish all his assignments after not doing them to comfort his boyfriend, his texts without capital letters but lots of emojis…
Youichi started to hate emojis after their breakup. He’s aware it’s the pettiest thing but he guesses that’s his way of coping, hating everything that reminds him of his boyfriend. He hates the word boyfriend too.
Everything reminds him of Eijun.
Lately, he hates everything.
That’s why, after all the moping around and the talks with Ryo and Miyuki he decides it’s time to move on with his life. To forget about Eijun. To put everything in his last year of school. He has to concentrate on his job too, he can’t let that opportunity go. There’s a chance for him to stay in the editorial full time so he can’t waste that, also he has to keep training and working up for the games with his team. He has too much on his plate to just think of one thing… or one person to be exact.
That’s why, today on the 37th day, he finishes packing all the stuff he has in the Kominatos home and waits for his new roommate slash co-worker to call him and tell him everything’s ready for him to move.
He tries to keep himself busy, checking and double checking and triple checking all the stuff. It helps him not to think about golden eyes and soft cinnamon locks. He gives up when he realizes it’s not working and decides maybe fresh air will help.
He gets fresh air, alright, but with the fresh air also comes the smell of vanilla and coconut and of course, the golden eyes and soft cinnamon locks he’s trying so hard to forget.
His heart starts beating a mile per hour, part of him feels like hiding and he even looks for a way out, but a biggest part of him wants to run to Eijun and hug him till the world ends, but that’d be contradictory to what he’s trying to do so he settles for staying frozen in place, there’s nothing else he can do, anyway.
The first thing Eijun sees when he arrives at the Kominatos’ is Youichi. He thought maybe he’d feel more ready on the way here and even after he saw the building closing in he could still get a chance to relax while Haruichi called for him or whatever but of course that wasn’t possible.
He’s stretching, with his arms over his head, popping his back. He’s facing the other way so when he turns around and sees Eijun he looks both ways, alarmed, and stays where he is, lowering his arms slowly.
He has dark circles under his eyes and he seems skinny, not his usual lithe form but actually skinny. It makes Eijun’s heart clench painfully. He knows he looks no better so at least knowing that they’re both suffering, makes him feel good, just barely, though.
He makes no sign of moving, to go in or down the stairs so after Haruichi excuses himself to go in and leave them alone, they just stay facing each other without talking or moving.
“Hey,” says Eijun after a while.
“H-hey.” Youichi hesitates, not knowing what to do or what else to say.
“How’s it going?” He tries again.
“So, listen. I wanted to talk to you, about us, or it’s more like I want to ask you a couple things and get other ones straight, to get some sort of closure.” No point in beating around the bush or sugarcoating the inevitable.
Eijun sighs, this is gonna be harder than expected. He feels like shit already and Youichi being this difficult isn’t making it easier.
If he’s honest, he still can’t believe the situation, not completely. It had been over a month already. He still doesn’t want to sleep in the bedroom or their bed, actually. He feels like he’ll wake up next to Youichi, and God knows he doesn’t need that, right now.
Just seeing Youichi makes him want to run away and hide forever, or maybe just beat him up for making him feel so bad. He wonders if being with Youichi for so much time made them became more alike. He wants to beat himself up for that, too.
His heart hasn’t stopped beating fast and it’s starting to hurt so bad, it feels like it’ll explode. His hands are slippery with cold sweat and it feels like his whole body is vibrating with happiness of seeing his ex-boyfriend but also sadness, because of the same reason.
“You wanna go somewhere else?” asks Youichi and it actually surprises Eijun. After all he thought he was nothing but a bother to Youichi. Maybe he doesn’t want Eijun to make a scene.
“Yeah, there’s a park near here,” he answers while getting out of the way and walking down the stairs. Not really expecting an answer from Youichi but for him to follow.
They walk next to each other, at least a meter of distance between them. They don’t say anything or try to make conversation and it’s as awkward as it can get but they keep walking like the awkwardness is going to disappear some way. It doesn’t.
They finally arrive at the park and Eijun sits in a bench in front of a sandbox with a red and yellow bucket. They stay quiet for roughly five minutes and Youichi is the one who breaks the silence, again. First with a sigh and then he talks.
“I miss you, you know,” he says unapologetically.
“I wish you hadn’t said that.”
“You’re not. And I didn’t come here for you to tell me you miss me. I can see that for myself,” Eijun says smugly. “I just want to know the reason, the real reason why you did it.” He doesn’t know what surprises him more. The fact that he managed to say it or how easy he did it.
“I already told you why.”
That gets Eijun mad. He stands up, wanting to leave, to run as far as his legs can take it but he doesn’t. He came here for a reason and he’s not leaving until he gets the answers he deserves. He looks back at Youichi, his eyes are wide and surprised, and his hand raised like he wanted to calm Eijun down but halfway decided against it. It makes Eijun madder, that his own boyfriend –ex-boyfriend, whatever– doesn’t want to touch him, or maybe he’s mad because Youichi actually wants to touch him and calm him and if that doesn’t scream he still loves him, then they both must be very blind. So yeah, he doesn’t leave but he looks at Youichi with harsh, determined eyes.
“Tell me the truth.”
Youichi had definitely never felt this bad before. It actually scared him when Eijun got up from the bench so suddenly. He wanted to hug him or just touch him but he managed to stop himself before he did something, though he didn’t do it fast enough and Eijun noticed the motion
The way he had looked at Youichi, that wasn’t the Eijun he loved. He looked so bitter and angry, it made Youichi feel even worse, just when he thought it wasn’t possible.
“Okay, I’ll tell you. But whatever you say after I’m done, won’t change my mind about us,” he finishes and if he thought he did some damage with the not touching, he was wrong because after he was done with his sentence, Eijun goes completely pale and his eyes are watering now.
“Okay,” he answers, voice shaking. He finally sits down at the same time Youichi stands up.
“I really did it for you. I figured a time apart would do us good. I… listen, back in high school and even middle school, I dated girls, I went to parties and even if I was busy with baseball I did my share of things teenagers do, but you? We started dating in your second year, you were barely 17 years old, look at us, now. We’ve been dating for practically 5 years. You’re an adult now, we are both adults. We have to worry about other stuff. You have your job at the high school and you might stay there after graduation if you work for it, which I know you will and I’m about done with school and I have my job at the editorial too."
“I want you to focus wholeheartedly on that. Without worrying about me, about what we are going to do in the future. I see you growing and moving forward and even though we’re just one year apart I can’t help but feel like you’re just waiting for me. I know it sounds weird and that maybe I should be the one waiting but for some reason it feels like you’re waiting. I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to go on your own. I don’t want you to catch up, I know you can easily go ahead and surpass me and be better and make your own life. But I don’t feel like you’re trying or like you don’t want to do it because you’re comfortable with the way things are now."
“We’ve become so dependent of each other, we barely do stuff separated. When you wanna do something the first person you think of is me,” to this, Eijun looks up to him like wanting to say it wasn’t true, but Youichi keeps talking, not ignoring him but also not giving him the chance to retort. “And even if you say no I know I’m right because I am the same.”
“I want you to go out with girls or boys or both or maybe none, I don’t know. I just want you to go out and have fun, enjoy your life, without me.” He finishes a little out of breath, he looks down not to Eijun sitting in the bench but to his feet. He looks up quickly but then looks down almost immediately.
“I… I don’t…” Eijun tries to talk. He tries again and again. Opens his mouth and closes it more than once and twice. He’s not crying or sobbing, his eyes aren’t even wet or anything. Youichi doesn’t know what to make of that.
What is he supposed to say? He actually thinks Youichi is wrong as fuck. Maybe not completely wrong. Yeah, he’s been Eijun’s only lover, –boy or girl– he didn’t really go to parties when he was a teen, the first person he thought of when something happened was Youichi, he actually still does but what about that about him waiting for Youichi? Yeah he had to do it for a year back in high school but what of that? It was something that had to happen eventually. It came with the age difference. But, where they really that dependent of each other?
He doesn’t realize how much time passes and he doesn’t really care. He can’t stop thinking about what Youichi said and he wonders if he’s right. Part of him knows he’s right and part of him doesn’t want Youichi to be right. Sadly the first part is also the biggest part.
“Okay,” Eijun says.
“Okay?” questions Youichi.
“Okay,” repeats Eijun.
They stay there for a while after they’re done talking. The sun’s already going down but they haven’t moved. About half an hour later Eijun gets up again. He raises both his hands and puts them behind his neck but lowers them almost immediately. Now his left hand is fisted to his side, while his right one just stays numbly in the other side.
“You can come for the rest of your stuff, anytime. Without worrying if I’m there or not. I’ll help you out even. I was actually thinking about moving but I think I’m gonna wait until graduation. I don’t want to spend unnecessary money, especially if I already have a place to live,” he shrugs, “besides, it’s only one year… I’m just gonna head straight home from here so, also, could you tell Haruichi I’ll see him there?” He finally turns around to leave when Youichi doesn’t say anything but before that he gives something to Youichi who accepts it and closes his fist around it without looking at what it is.
“You know, I’ve been jealous of Haruichi since forever. He’s the closest person to you after me and even if I know he’s just your best friend, you guys just hit it up so quickly on your first year, it makes me imagine stuff, it still does,” Youichi confesses before he can stop himself and when he hears Eijun chuckle, a dry, forced chuckle, he wishes he could kick himself to the next river and drown there.
“Yeah, well,” Eijun looks back, not even turning around completely. “Maybe I’ll date him. I don’t know. Isn’t that what you want?” And he’s gone before Youichi can say something back.
He doesn’t want to move but he needs to tell Haruichi what Eijun said, not because he has to but because he wants to do something for Eijun and it’s a childish thing and even a sad one but well, who fucking cares, right? He thinks while opening his hand, the necklace he gave to Eijun on their first anniversary, now just a reminder of his mistakes.