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The Heart is Slow to Learn

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What am I? Who am I?

I am 26 I should know by now … What do I like, who do I love? What gender am I attracted too? Is what I feel wrong or right?

I am 36 and I still don't know. Sometimes I think I do, but it gets so confusing. I'm too old to feel like this, I am certain. People my age should be married, have children, a house, stability. Here I am wondering like a teenager: when you feel this strongly about someone, want to be more to them, couldn't live without them ... should you not feel arousal? But all I know is that this is the strongest and deepest thing I have ever felt for anyone.

I am 46 – give or take a couple of centuries – and nothing has changed: feelings of fear about what I should and should not feel stop me from ever telling him – What use does he have for a man anyway? He has Kochanski to dream of. He needs a normal person to love, to cherish, who can give him the warmth and love he so desires. I am useless to him.

I am 56 and six centuries – What took me so long? Here I am, in his arms at last. Love can be more than sex, he told me. You don't have to confuse sexuality with attraction, he told me. You are free, Arnold, he told me.

Endless days of kisses and cuddles, waking up at noon, not having to care about getting dressed or not. Eating together, talking together, knowing that I am loved. I can love, I can be loved, he loves me. With him I am me, just me. That is all that matters.