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The White Room

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Gerard had busied himself in his art over the past few days, always sketching furiously on some paper or whatever he could get a hold of, like a brown paper bag if that was handy at the time and he didn't have his sketchbook. Frank would often find him moving different crayons across some paper, focus completely on his task, biting his lip, or the tip of his tongue poking out past his lips in concentration. It was driving Frank crazy and that made him feel like shit. Even if he could ever have an actual relationship with Gerard, he doubted Gerard would ever be up for anything sexual. Not that Frank would ever pressure or force him, hell no. Frank could control his urges, they didn't control him. But he still couldn't deny being sexually attracted to Gerard, still couldn't deny fantasizing about him. And he admitted, watching those adorable teeth of his sink into his plump, pink bottom lip, or that pink tongue poking out to swipe across his lips was making Frank's cock twitch hopefully. Then Gerard was bringing his left hand up to nibble on his thumbnail and it was getting to be too much.

And Lenny, that assfuck, was leering at him, smirk creeping slowly across his lips as he watched Frank watch Gerard and suddenly he felt like a pervert. Frank waited until Lenny moved on before leaving the rec room and going to get today's meds ready.

Gerard didn't flinch when Frank came up and sat his juice down on the table, he was used to Frank's scent by now. "I like your body wash, Frankie." It was fruity and sweet.

"Yeah, real manly, huh?" Frank quipped, smirking, because he didn't care if it wasn't manly.

Gerard shrugged. "I don't care for men's body wash, too overpowering, like they're trying to overcompensate for something.. they gag me. Smell like a gigolo." Smelled like Jordan. Gerard never could stand his body wash.

"And you'd know what a gigolo would smell like, how?"

Gerard stopped sketching and glanced up. "I don't, I just think that's probably what one would smell like. Too masculine." Then he was back to drawing.

"You're probably right." He handed him his pills and Gerard stopped for a moment to take them and down them with the grape juice. "What're you drawing now? Can I see?"

Gerard shrugged again and showed him. It was of a large classic cartoony-looking cigarette with arms and a face, it had a black biker hat tilted to the side, its eyebrows in a V-shape to look mean, and it was smoking a smaller cigarette that looked frightened and was sobbing. Above it was the word 'Cannibal' in scratchy lettering. Frank wasn't sure if it was supposed to be funny, or deep, or ironic.. it was kind of cool though.

"I got the idea when Lenny was pestering me the other day, he kept calling me a fag and I told him I wasn't a cigarette, but I smoke, or did, and if I was a cigarette and I smoked, would I be like a cannibal, or some shit."

And Frank couldn't help it, he laughed. "That.. that is so awesome. You're amazing."

Gerard didn't agree, but smiled anyway. He liked hearing Frank laugh. Then Frank leaned down and kissed him on the top of his head, and it was like the most surreal thing ever. Gerard flushed slightly, feeling something warm run through him. It was nice. Frank stroked his hair back before leaving him to go about dispensing the rest of the meds.

--xx--

It was chilly inside today and Gerard sat on the couch curled up in a crocheted blanket. The heat was now broken and they had to have a repair man fix it. Then it'd be spring and summer and warm weather and then the air conditioning would probably break and it'd be too hot. Isn't that how shit just went? Some really badly drawn cartoon was on the small tv mounted on the wall. Really, what the hell had happened to animation anymore? At least the kiddie show's animation. He thought 'Scooby-Doo, Mystery Incorporated' was badly drawn and the characters seemed so terribly out of character, but then 'Be Cool, Scooby-Doo' was so much worse. It felt like watching bad Scooby-Doo fanfiction animated. 'The Looney Tunes Show' was a poor substitute for Looney Tunes.. he had once defended 'Teen Titans Go' having worse animation than the original, but that was nothing compared to this. They were drawn so blocky and goofy looking..

Eh, maybe he was just being cranky and critical. It was just a different way of interpreting it, a different art style. It probably wasn't bad, but it damn sure wasn't the same. He switched it to Disney to watch 'Gravity Falls', the drawing style was similar to a bunch of other cartoons out right now, but at least it wasn't bad, and he liked the story line. It actually had a story line adults could follow and jokes they could get, and yet, it was mindless enough to get lost in and offer a distraction.

Frank plopped down beside him with a mug in his hands. "Here, I brought you something warm...ish.."

Gerard accepted the mug. "Is coffee?"

Frank giggled as Gerard brought it up to his nose to snuffle at it. "No, sorry. It's hot cocoa. Well, it isn't too awful hot, but I'd still be careful anyway."

Gerard took a small tentative sip, decided it was good and not scalding and took a bigger sip. "Thank you. But it'd be better if it was coffee." He narrowed his eyes at Frank when he said it and Frank gave him a cheeky smile.

"I know. I'll try sneak you some. I don't think they'd mind too much you having any as long as it's not too hot so, you know, no accidents can happen and no one can get burned."

"You mean so I don't burn myself or others." Gerard sighed.

"I didn't want it to sound like that and you know it. Besides, you're not a danger to anyone. But certain other assholes can't be trusted. At least it should be okay if I supervise." Others like Lenny, he didn't trust Lenny.

"I know, Frankie." And Gerard buried his cute little pixie nose back in the mug.

--xx--

He had been asleep, when he was woken up by a sensation between his legs. He groggily raised his head off the mattress to see Jeremiah between his legs, lips sliding up and down his cock. His hand was wrapped around the base of his cock, thumb stroking his balls and he was humming softly around his dick and Gerard felt disgusted. He tried to move away, but Jeremiah's nails dug into his hip hard and kept him still.

"Please stop.. I don't want this.. please.."

The man pulled off his cock with a sickening wet pop, long hair hanging down in greasy strands, eyes dark and blown wide. "Your dick tastes so good. I like it in my mouth. I like sucking it."

All Gerard could muster was the world's smallest "Why?"

Jeremiah snickered. "I like pretty little boys. You're older, but you don't look it. You're so pretty." He licked up the underside of Gerard's cock and took the head back into his mouth, tracing the tip of his tongue around and over the slit. Gerard's hips bucked involuntarily. He felt sick. He felt so sick.

Jeremiah was back to bobbing his head, making the awfullest sucking and slurping sounds. They were making him nauseous. And what was worse was his dick didn't know any better, to it it was just a sensation. Not rape. He was being molested by a psychopath and his damn cock didn't know the fucking difference.

Jeremiah had his pants unzipped and was rubbing his own dick while he sucked him off. He was getting off on this. Then he pulled off and was climbing up Gerard's body to lay beside him, pulling Gerard to his side to face him. He felt his hand on his dick, stroking him softly.

"You're so pretty. Such a good little boy. You be real good now and use those hands on me."

"No.. please.."

Jeremiah grabbed his wrist and shoved it down to his crotch, helping him wrap his fingers around his cock. "Now rub, just like I'm doing.. do just like I'm showing you."

It was sick, Jeremiah was imagining he was a little boy who didn't know how to masturbate or give hand jobs and he wanted to teach him how. But Gerard wasn't cooperating.

"You do it, or I'm gonna bend you over and shove my dick into you dry. You don't want that, baby boy. I'll rip that little ass up. Make you bleed and hurt."

Gerard tried to bury his face in the mattress. He was sure he was crying now. "Stop.. I'm sorry.."

"You're gonna be sorry. Maybe I'll take my belt off and give you a reason to cry. Now rub Daddy's cock like a good boy. Make Daddy feel good."

Gerard was trembling, he started stroking with shaky hands, but it was good enough for Jeremiah, who continued to rub him.

"Oh, that's good.. such a sweet little boy, you're so good at this.. yeah.. do it right like that.. your hands are so soft.. so pretty.." He was kissing his neck and collarbone, sucking on his skin. "I bet your mouth would feel so good. Oh, yeah.. you're so good.. like it when you touch Daddy like that. You can't tell anyone, they wouldn't understand. But Daddy likes when you touch him there. You like when Daddy touches you there too, don't you?"

Gerard had spaced off, letting him ramble on until he felt Jeremiah buck his hips, his cum hot and sticky in his hand as he moaned and breathed hotly into his ear. He shuddered in disgust. Then Jeremiah was moving back down to roll Gerard onto his back and take him back into his mouth. And he didn't want to, no matter how bad he wanted it to be over, but Jeremiah was rubbing his balls and slipping fingers under them to massage his taint and he was cumming, crying into his hands and feeling dirty.

--xx--

He didn't want to sleep because he didn't want to dream about them. He didn't want to be back in that cold dark room. He had stole a flashlight he found sitting on a table that a repair man was using to fix a busted light and hid it in his room, so when it was lights out he could still see to draw. It was pathetic, to let them own this much of him. Sure, he had put them away, but they still owned him because he couldn't let it go. It wouldn't let him let it go.

He hid the flashlight in his dresser drawer under his socks and underwear. He was exhausted the next day, having not slept, but no more damn nightmares. He knew his no-sleep plan was flawed, he couldn't do this forever. He'd have to sleep eventually. He snuck into an office once and stole some coffee off their desk. He tried a sip, it was warm, but not hot, so he downed it quickly. It did very little stabilize him, but he couldn't let himself sleep.

--xx--

It had been two days, Gerard was twitchy and jittery, he'd start to nod off and jerk his head back up and focus back on his drawing. Those were getting worse, his lack of rest affecting him seriously. His head throbbed and his eyeballs ached, he even felt a tightening in his chest, like a panicky feeling. He felt bad, so bad, and so tired.

Frank was worried, he was sure Gerard wasn't sleeping and he was afraid if this persisted, they'd have to knock him out. Frank found Gerard in his room, sketching away. "Hey, man, what're you drawing?"

"I'm not sure.. it has wings.. maybe a bird.. it has to be a bird.. yeah, maybe a falcon.. maybe a dragon.. maybe a bat. No, it's a bat, a big ass badass bat from hell." Gerard babbled quickly.

Frank sat beside him and reached over to rub his back. "Gee, you're gonna have to sleep. If you don't one of the other nurses or orderlies or whoever is going to have to knock you out, I promise it won't be me, I won't do you that way, but I'm worried, Gerard. You know how they'll put you to sleep, right? You don't like that."

Gerard sighed. He knew Frank wasn't threatening him, merely warning him. And he knew he was right.. but, he just couldn't. "They're in my dreams, Frankie.. I'm not free of them, they wait for me, they won't let me go, I'm still their prisoner and their toy. They're not in jail, Frankie, they're right here with me."

Frank pointed to Gerard's temple. "They're right here, babe. I promise, you can let them go. They can't hurt you anymore unless you let them. You have the control and the power now, Gee, they don't have it anymore. They're in prison, probably being some bigger badder prisoner's bitch."

Gerard let out a dry laugh that held no humor. "Like that matters. It still happened."

"I know. But you can get past this, Gerard, you can take back your life. I know you can, I have faith in you. Mikey has faith in you, your parents have faith in you."

"They won't even come and see me. Lenny said it was because they were ashamed to have a fag for a son.. but that's not it, they were okay with me being the way I am.. but maybe they are ashamed.. maybe they're embarrassed because of what happened to me, because I went to that bar to get fucked up again.. but I didn't get drunk. I went to, I had every intention of falling off the wagon, but I didn't.. I didn't, Frankie.. I stopped myself.. I was so proud.. but then as I was leaving they snatched me in the parking lot. I had been leaving, Frankie.. and they got me. I'm an embarrassment to my parents, they had to sit in court and listen to their son describe how he was raped and tortured. No wonder they won't come see me." Gerard sniffled and wiped away the few tears that managed to escape.

Frank hugged him close. "I don't know why they haven't came and saw you, I can't speak for them, but I don't think it's because they're ashamed of you, or embarrassed that you were-" Frank shook his head. "I just don't. They might be afraid. It probably hurt them a lot to know that their son had been hurt so badly. They might not know how to handle that. It isn't your fault. None of it. You went there to drink and you said no, you walked away. You have every right to be proud of that. But those men have no right to be proud of what they did to you." He was stroking his hair now. "You're so beautiful, inside and out, you deserve so much better than this. You deserved to be treated like you're the most precious thing in the universe, because you are."

Gerard gazed up at him. "You think I'm beautiful?"

Frank stilled. He had fucking said that last part out loud. Fuck. "I didn't mean it like.. I mean, yeah, you are.. but I wasn't trying to-" Fuck, fuck, fuck.. he had messed up. This could push Gerard away from him and make him think he was like his captors and he'd never trust Frank again, or he could tell and Frank might lose his job for fraternizing. He wasn't supposed to be attracted to his patients..

Gerard was concerned, Frank had closed his eyes and now he was doing the whole muttering thing and it was kind of cute. So he leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He wanted to giggle at how Frank's eyes snapped open. "I think you're beautiful too, inside and out." Then he buried his face in his neck, feeling comforted by his natural scent and the scent of his damn body wash. This was safe. Frank was safe. Frank would never hurt him..

Frank could never hurt him.

That realization made all the sense in the world right now to his frazzled, tired brain. Gerard laid his head on Frank's shoulder and nuzzled the side of his face. "I'm so lucky to have you, Frankie." He said with a breathy sigh.

"Ah, Gee, it's nothing." He felt Gerard's hand on his knee before it was lightly caressing his thigh. "What're you doing?"

"You like me, you want to help me.." Gerard kissed his neck. "I need to know I'm not broken, that it won't own me." Then his hand was between Frank's legs, rubbing him through his scrubs.

"Oh, god.. hey..?"

"You'd never hurt me." He wiggled his fingers a bit.

No, Frank wouldn't, but this was wrong for so many reasons, and that sucked because it was Gerard and it felt so good and he'd love nothing more than to continue.. but.. "Gerard, stop.  I can't.." He moved his hand away and got off the bed.

Gerard looked truly crushed. "You think I'm used goods too."

"No, sweetheart, it's nothing like that."

Gerard looked upset. "Or I'm too fucked up from being raped that I can't want sex. Well, I still do want sex. I don't want those psychos to ruin my life. I wanna know if I can still enjoy it. I wanna prove that they don't own me."

"But what if you can't enjoy it? Gerard, I don't want to be the one who messes you up further. I hope you can still enjoy sex again one day.. but we can't.."

"Why not?"

"I don't think you're ready. It's not that I don't want to, or don't find you attractive or worthy.. I do.. I do so bad.." He closed his eyes and reopened them. "But now isn't right."

"Maybe you just don't want to fuck a useless whore." Gerard huffed, crossing his arms.

Frank slouched. "It's not that either and you are not a whore. We can wait. I just don't want to hurt you.. and you're a patient and I'm an orderly, that would look really bad."

Gerard sighed. He was right. He didn't want to get Frank in trouble, he'd get fired and Gerard would never see him again. "I'm sorry, Frankie.." He dropped his head in his hands. "I really messed up. I don't know what came over me. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, Gee, really. We can take our time." He sat back beside him and stroked his hair. "I do really like you, Gerard.. more than I should. But I would never take advantage of you."

Gerard smiled. "I'm really glad to have you. You make me feel safe and sane." No, Frank would never hurt him. Not even when Gerard was offering.