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Full Moon Radio, Episode 1: "Welcome to Beacon Hills"

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Download the Weather: "The Elevator is Broken" by halffizzbin

WELCOME TO BEACON HILLS shirts, stickers, and various things are available on Redbubble. Any proceeds from sales will go to Commonplace Books in support of Welcome to Night Vale.

Full Moon Radio is an homage to both the MTV series Teen Wolf, and the podcast Welcome to Night Vale, by Commonplace Books. It is written and created by tumblr user agentotter, and read and produced by tumblr user halffizzbin.

 

PROGRAM TRANSCRIPT:

The moon is round tonight, yellow and full, so close and so bright. Perhaps you're thinking, wasn't the moon full last night? And the night before that? And didn't I hear some mysterious howling? We don't talk about the howling. Don't say anything about the howling. But you're right about the moon. The moon was full last night. And last week. And the week before that. The moon is always full, here. Welcome to Beacon Hills.

[intro music]

Good evening, gentle listeners. This is Full Moon Radio, from Beacon Hills Community Media, here to talk you through the witching hour. Let my voice be your anchor, as I update you on the latest goings-on here in our sleepy little burg.

We should probably start with those serial murders, huh? I mean, what is that about? That's just an awful lot of dead people, if you ask me. And rumor has it that they're all being killed in strange and possibly kinky ways. Brunette Katie — you know, one of the two barista Katies who work at the Beacon Coffee and Tea? — thinks it's all some kind of performance art project. Dead people tied to a tree, Katie? I'm not going to pretend I understand art, but I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to kill people for it. Just admit you're looking for an opportunity to tell customers that you're an art student, Katie. And while we're on that subject, you don't need to draw a unique sketch on everyone's coffee cup, either. A little doodle in the foam is more than enough artwork to go with a cup of joe. I had to wait twenty minutes for my order yesterday because you were creating a complete Sharpie reproduction of Edvard Munch's "The Scream," and when I finally got my coffee I couldn't actually drink it. That lopsided screaming Sharpie face was just too off-putting.

But speaking of our community's newest serial killer — and you must admit that this one is much more dramatic than that mountain lion, even if it's not actually performance art — is he or she behind the disappearance of Beacon Hills High's own Mr. Harris? That's right, Adrian Harris is still officially a missing person, and though the sheriff's department refuses to speculate publicly on where he might be, this radio station is laboring under no such restrictions. Is he an as yet undiscovered victim of Beacon Hills' own strangler? Is he lying low since his students discovered his frankly really weird profile on that online dating site? Or has he simply decided to leave town, disappearing into obscurity in some far-off place? Well, as a former student of Mr. Harris' at Beacon Hills High, I think I probably speak for all of us when I say that I don't particularly care, just so long as he's never seen or heard from again. Ever.

In other news, there's still no word from the sheriff's department about the incident at that weird abandoned mall on the edge of town. You may remember, listeners, that deputies recently investigated the scene after a passerby heard the sounds of roars and explosions from inside, and I quote, "as if lions were setting off a fireworks show." A search of the building uncovered no lions or fireworks, but there were signs of a struggle, fresh marks made by explosive devices, and two sizable pools of fresh blood slowly dripping away through the steps of the lower-level escalators. The sheriff's department is asking for any witnesses to come forward, but they assure us that it was probably just kids being kids, nothing to worry about.

The sheriff's department has also failed to answer any of our other questions about this mystery, such as, since when is there a mall there? How long has it been abandoned? Why does no one remember ever shopping there? Was it even a mall at all, or some kind of other large, multi-story structure with a lot of escalators? How would lions get ahold of fireworks, anyway, and how would they light them? I mean, say they had a lighter, which I'm not saying they did, but just hypothetically, how could they operate a lighter without any thumbs? Why is the underground parking garage still operating for an empty mall, and why are the prices for parking there so exorbitant?

We have better things to do with our money, fellow Beaconites, than to pay for parking at a creepy old abandoned mall. Like this weekend, the Beacon Hills High School lacrosse team is holding a fundraiser car wash in the parking lot at the Stop-N-Shop. As I'm sure you know, the Cyclones have been stepping up their fundraising efforts recently to try to pitch in on the medical bills for all those players who suffered serious, permanent injuries in last season's nail-biter of a championship game. Now I don't know about you, listeners, but I've been driving my car through some pretty serious mud puddles this week in preparation for this car wash, because boy, some of those BHHS players have got it going on. I mean, sure, they're jailbait, but you wouldn't know it from their well-developed musculature. Perhaps if their fundraisers continue to do well, the school might invest in some additional weight-lifting equipment, for the public good. Be sure to stop by the car wash to support our Cyclones.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital is here for you. Your health is our business, which is why this year we have invested in new state of the art diagnostic equipment, expanded our emergency services department, and reinforced all of our patient rooms with shatterproof glass, double dead-bolts, and extra strong, extra gentle medical restraints. The treatment you and your loved ones will receive at Beacon Hills Memorial is prompt, caring, and discrete; we won't ask you any awkward questions, even if you've been shot by a crossbow or mauled by a wild animal. Honestly, we don't want to know... we just want to help. Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital: Your Community Medical Center.

That was quite the timely advertisement, wasn't it? I'll bet the hospital bought that airtime before three of their staff were horribly murdered recently. They could probably use that money back, as I understand it's very difficult these days to attract skilled workers to Beacon Hills, to replace the ones who've been brutally killed. I mean, a school janitor you can find anywhere, but doctors? They're going to need to offer a pretty serious salary package to attract some of those here, what with the murders being the top result and all when you Google "Beacon Hills Hospital." Oh well, the ad's already aired; I suppose it's too late for a refund now. Thank you, Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, for your support of community radio.

Well listeners, I've just received a message from Mark Hurley — you know, our friendly neighborhood animal control officer? — and he's asked me to warn you that a pack of feral dogs have been sighted wandering around the area of the Beacon Hills Preserve. Mark advises that citizens keep away from the area of the Preserve tonight, and perhaps forever, as he has no intention of attempting to apprehend those animals... if they even are animals, what with their glowing eyes and frightening, human-like intelligence. Now, there are no reports of these feral dogs attacking any people, but then I suppose there wouldn't be, would there? Not if the victims were completely consumed, their broken, well-chewed bones left to litter the forest floor like so many fallen branches. Friends, let us remember those poor souls now, if they should happen to exist, because I for one believe it is highly unlikely that their remains, should there be any remains, will ever be discovered.

Speaking of the Preserve, I'm sure you all remember Ranger Kerri, who used to run the educational programs out there before state and federal budget cuts forced the interpretive center to close. We all loved Ranger Kerri's annual presentations to our local schools about area wildlife, "leave no trace" camping, and wildfire prevention. I for one have also enjoyed the lectures she's been giving these days, on the corners of Circle Drive and Mulberry Street, where she rants for hours on end about glowing eyes in the dark, ravenous man-beasts stalking our forests, and people's attitudes toward litter in our modern society. I stopped by to see her yesterday to ask whether she'd be interested in doing some nature spots for our radio program, but she started screaming, "THERE ARE NO WOLVES IN CALIFORNIA! THERE AREN'T ANY! I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY!" and I can only assume that means no. Still, if you're in the area, do stop by and say hello to Ranger Kerri. She probably won't say anything coherent back, but it's the thought that counts.

And now, the weather.

["The Elevator is Broken," by halffizzbin]

I've just received an email from Anita, at that New Age magic shop on Oakwood Road. She's pointed out to me that my use of the phrase "the witching hour," at the beginning of this broadcast, was a hurtful perpetuation of damaging stereotypes about the magic-using community. She's also reminded me of all the fine services that magical folk provide in Beacon Hills. I didn't realize what services those were, so I emailed her back to ask, and she's provided me with a list. First, she ordered me that really nice incense that one time, and it is true, it did smell amazing. Secondly, our local witches are fessing up to putting together that really cute yarn-bomb in April, where they attached colorful knitted sweaters to a number of trees in Beacon Park. I have to admit, that did liven things up, and the kids loved it. And last but not least, they've apparently laid mystical protections around key public spaces such as parks, government buildings, the IHOP, and the bowling alley, to help protect us all from malevolent spiritual and magical forces. So you're right, Anita, and I apologize to our local witches and thank you for all you do for our community. Especially the yarn-bomb thing, which was adorable.

It's time for me to leave you, Beacon Hills; our wild rumpus has come to an end, and it's bed time for all the little beasts. While you're laying your heads down in your dens, let's all remember why we love our little town: for its deep woods and its eerily beautiful urban wastelands, its exciting and blood-soaked lacrosse games, and its ever-fresh supply of horrifying mysteries. And I'm here to tell you, listeners: Beacon Hills loves you back. As you sink into sleep, let her sing you a lullaby with the rushing sound of the river, and the howling of unnamed beasts. Let her wrap you in a yarn-bomb sweater, knit from love and magic and a nice merino wool blend. Let Beacon Hills hold you, because she's never going to let you go. Good night, Beacon Hills. Good night.

 

Full Moon Radio is an homage to both the MTV series Teen Wolf, and the podcast Welcome to Night Vale, by Commonplace Books. It is written and created by tumblr user agentotter, and read and produced by tumblr user halffizzbin. Background music is borrowed from Disparition, and may be downloaded at disparition.info. Additional music credits to Dead Man's Bones and Dino Meneghin. The weather tonight was "The Elevator is Broken" by halffizzbin. To find out more, please leave a jug of fresh milk and a plate of curly fries on your windowsill at midnight on the next federal holiday. I'll come to you. Today's proverb: Don't feel guilty about your past mistakes, because they're probably actually all Derek Hale's fault.