Sollux doesn’t like being touched.
Well, ok, maybe that’s not true – it’s not that he doesn’t like physical contact. He explores with his skin, feeling some strange need to document the world around him through sensation. You think you might understand a little: he spent a long time feeling very little at all. Certainly nothing nice And after that, he was mostly in too much pain to enjoy being free, which means that he wants to experience things psysically again. Also he’s fucking blind and needs all his other senses to make up for his sight.
You try to help him with it. Sollux wants to be independent but can’t, not yet. Not when he consistently forgets that there are twenty-four steps on the first floor staircase, not twenty-two; not when he still gets daymares despite sleeping in sopor, body pressed tight against your own in a space only meant for one. It embarrasses him hugely when he helplessly fails at things he did so easily before.
It makes your relationship… interesting. The two of you do touch – you hug, you kiss, you do all of that crap. Everything from the soppy romance novels Kanaya reads. It’s just that Sollux has to initiate it or the whole thing turns into nothing more than a whirlpool of crap and negative feelings.
He just doesn’t always initiate it when you want him to.
You can handle it, though. You’re not some contact-starved barkbeast. You don’t need constant affection from Sollux to survive. Actually it’s a good thing your hive is pretty big, because it means that the two of you can avoid each other as much as you need, which is quite a lot most of the time. Living with each other has proved to be a heck of a lot different to what an online relationship would have been like.
You don’t regret one second, though. The long and short of it is that this is everything you have ever wanted, just without realizing it. Everything is perfect and you sometimes entertain the thought of it staying that way.
On one particular night, you and he are entangled on the couch, muted movie still running in the background. Two half-empty pizza boxes sit nearby and a few drinks cans are littered around. It’s one of your spontaneous movie nights and they’ve been ending this way more frequently lately.
Sollux’s mouth tastes of pineapple. Who the fuck wants pineapple on a pizza. Shit is gross and should be outlawed immediately.
But you don’t mind the flavour when it’s on his tongue.
Sollux explores your mouth as he maps out your body – hands in your hair, your horns; delicate fingertips tracing around your eyes and lips. He curls around you as if you’re the one who needs protecting, as if you’re the one who needs care. It’s nice, though – you aren’t particularly used to gentleness. Brash movements are more your thing, consequential toe-stubbing and hand-bashing included. Being slow, being gentle… that’s what makes this really special.
But it also makes it pretty goddamn slow.
You are fucking fine with taking your sweet time about it, though. You’re not going to be the sort of idiotic jerk who forces his partner to go faster than he’s comfortable with.
Which is why you’re slightly surprised that Sollux hasn’t pulled away yet. You’re not complaining about it, no way, it’s great, but you can’t help wondering if Sollux is plotting something or some shit…
He nuzzles into your neck, almost pushing you onto your back as his weight shifts unexpectedly. Luckily you have sufficient abdominal strength to keep both of you mostly upright, but the change takes you by surprise. Sollux is being strangely… forceful tonight.
Whatever. It’s new but nice. You curl both arms around him, pulling Sollux even closer to you, deeply enjoying the feeling of simply being close to him, physically as well as emotionally. You take the chance to get your breath back as well.
Being like this – in this position, with this intimacy – makes you feel safer. You’re still so scared of losing him, and under your hands you can feel the razor lines of scars on his skin, the little dips and hollows where living wires burrowed and twisted and tunnelled beneath his flesh. You’ve been trying to get more weight on him, you really fucking have, but the rungs and ridges of his ribs and spines still jut into your palms as you explore every part of him. That nightmare can never be forgotten and the sheer reality of what could have happened still wakes you up in the middle of the day, covered in more cold sweat than sopor.
Sometimes you think you might be more scared of it than he is. But in times like this it’s best to forget, because if you don’t then you get tense and awkward and then the whole thing is ruined. So now you will stop thinking about that, and focus on other things. You’re both still wearing too many clothes, and you’d like to fix that eventually, but for now you can content yourself with stroking Sollux’s hair and rubbing his smaller pair of holy shitcrapping fuck he just licked you.
You jerk away on reflect and actually do topple over. The couch cushions depress with a faint whump under your back. Sollux pulls his hands out of under you and pushes himself up a little, looking bemused. Yeah, that was… hardly the most elegant (or romantic) thing you’ve ever done. At least he can’t see your expression though.
‘Yeah?’ God, you sound like an idiot too – voice squeaky and tight with surprise.
‘Um. You ok?’ You swallow and force yourself back to normal.
‘Well, duh,’ you begin, with an unnecessary rolls of the eyes. ‘I just really wasn’t fucking expecting something cold, wet and freaky against my neck.’ Crap, you’ve ruined it now. Good motherfucking work, Vantas. He’s going to get up any second from where he’s… straddling you, kind of, and the dregs on the night will be spent in awkward silence, and he might even not want to share the ‘coon with you, and what if the two of you don’t talk tomorrow either, what if—
Sollux laughs, that infuriating little eheheh of douchebag amusement. Dangerous train of thought sufficiently derailed, you scowl up at him and scramble for something to say in response. Your cheeks feel stupidly hot.
‘What’s so funny, jackass??’ you snap. Sollux doesn’t stop smiling, lips quirked up a little higher on the left side, double canines poking through onto his lower lip. Slightly kiss-bruised, you see, and god if you don’t want to mash your mouth into his right that damn second…
‘Jutht didn’t think you’d be thqueamish ith all.’ You give a huff of annoyance.
‘Not squeamish, just not fucking expecting it.’ Sollux laughs again, and leans down to kiss you. You welcome it, relishing the smooth slide of his tongue against yours, the way he nips your lips just slightly with those ridiculous teeth. You feel happy with him. That’s not a thing you usually feel with anyone.
Sollux sits back up again, placing his hands on either side of your face. You shiver slightly, cool metal so close to your eyes, to the roots of your horns. The joints get caught in your hair sometimes but you don’t mind.
‘I think I like you like this,’ he says, almost conversationally but with a clear essence of suggestion. His smirk is still in place. You freeze.
‘Wh… KK?’ The smile drops. Sollux looks goddamn concerned and you mentally kick yourself. ‘Did I thay thomething wrong?’ Oh shit.
‘No, no!’ you reply quickly, and the mildly miserable look on his face lifts slightly. ‘I just. Um. I didn’t think you said things like that.’ And you’re not too sure how to react to him revealing that he does. Sollux shifts awkwardly, and you are suddenly made aware of just how close he is to your groin.
You are so fucking glad that he can’t see you, because your cheeks must be bright blasphemous scarlet by now.
‘We can thtop if you want…’ What. No. No no no nononono. Sad but true, this is the furthest you’ve got! You don’t want to stop now. Don’t want to stop ever, don’t want the warm haze of happiness to fade for so much as a second. You love this jerkish asshole of a troll with every scrap of your measly heart. All you want is to be close to him.
You just don’t know how to say it in a way that won’t come out as completely pathetic and stupid!
Hands continue to gently stroke your face and head, wandering as if Sollux isn’t aware of what he’s doing. His expression is one of need right on the edge of sadness. Oh shit.
‘I just thought you were…’ You don’t know what word to use. ‘Afraid’ isn’t right. Neither is ‘uncomfortable’. You hate this, not being able to translate your thoughts into language, especially since it’s something you’re usually good at. You’d like to be psychic, just in these situations, although you don’t think it works like that. ‘…Not ready,’ you conclude in a mumble, because that isn’t right either – just as close as you can get.
‘Er…’ Sollux takes his hands away, and you bite your cheek so as not to make disappointed sounds. He shifts uneasily again, apparently having completely forgotten how close to a certain part of your anatomy he is. ‘Well, I gueth I wath for a while,’ he mumbles. ‘And um. I’m thtill uneathy about thudden contact and shit. But. I’m okay, okay?’ His tone becomes exasperated. ‘I’m not delicate, KK. I thought you were the one who wathn’t comfortable with it.’
‘Oh.’ Well, this is humiliating beyond belief. You’d held back like you always do, because you are a fucking idiot when it comes to Sollux and his ability to do anything, and so he had interpreted you as being hesitant and uneasy about going any further than a chaste kiss on the cheek!
What a wonderful pair of idiots you are! The perfect couple, obviously.
‘Could of fucking said something.’ But it comes out as a mumble because you know you have no excuse.
‘Tho could you. Fuck’s thake, KK, we’re both the dumb athhole in thith thituation.’ He’s right, of course.
‘So…’ you begin, feeling approximately infinitely more awkward about everything in existence than you ever have been before, ‘in that case, we could… just get on and do it, I guess.’ Sollux stares at you, face perfectly blank. Then, expression changing in no other way what so ever, he raises one slim eyebrow.
It is followed by the other.
You watch in utter bafflement as he waggles them, up and down, and then swiftly go back over your last sentence.
‘Do it, huh, KK? My my,’ Sollux clarifies. Your face burns with the force of a thousand Alternian suns.
‘Wait, that’s not what I meant!’ You splutter indignantly, quickly pushing yourself back up to sitting again. Sollux finally grins, letting his ridiculously mobile eyebrows drop for the final time.
‘We can if you want to though,’ you mutter, looking away so that you don’t have to see whatever negative expression your suggestion results in. You regretted saying it before you’d even opened your mouth and that takes talent. God, you’re an idiot, you’re barely over the legal age and you’re not sure he is at all. No wait. He’s older than you, duh, how the fuck did you forget your matesprit’s wrigglingday in relation to your own?? Still, legal or not, it was a fucking stupid suggestion and you have no idea how Sollux can love you.
‘Well ok.’ Wha—
‘You’re serious?!’ you blurt, with about as much elegance as an octopus with motor neurone damage. Sollux certainly looks earnest, now that’s you’ve plucked up the courage to face him. He smiles calmly, and shrugs.
‘Well, If you don’t want to, it’th fine, but honethtly I’ve been waiting for a while.’
‘Yeah, I... Fuck, I want to, but… I don’t… know how.’ Your voice decreases in volume until it’s barely audible, and you find your shoulders hunching defensively. You want to be good at this. You want to be… fuck, to be a skilled lover or whatever. But you have literally no experience any further than tasteless internet porn and the very few times you’ve touched yourself, and you’re too awkward about it to be skilled naturally, so being good at anything even remotely sexual is completely impossible, and you are an idiot for ever dreaming that it could be.
‘A pail would be a nice thtart.’ You shrink down into your jumper.
‘In my— In my clothing receptacle. Under the towel.’
‘Got it.’ Sollux is up and away at once with a crackle of black and white sparks. His eagerness is only making you feel all the more idiotic. Maybe you should attempt to make it up to him somehow by doing something romantic. Put a thornflower between your teeth. Spread yourself alluringly across the couch, stark naked.
Except doing anything like that would be completely pointless because Sollux is fucking blind.
Thankfully said troll reappears before you can make a move to disgrace yourself. His has the bucket in one hand and a stupidly inappropriate smile on his face. You feel immensely stupid for waiting this long, since it’s clearly something Sollux has been wanting. You should have said something but you didn’t. You spoilt one of the few things that makes you hate yourself a little less.
Sollux puts the pail down and moves back to the couch, regaining some of his ineptness at getting anywhere without walking into something, now that the excitement has worn off. He’s probably left his cane in some far-off corner of the hive again too.
You take Sollux’s hands and guide him back to you. Your heart is beating a little harder now, because wow this is actually a thing you are doing.
Or will be doing, once you’ve figured out how the hell it’s meant to work. Sollux has gone still and awkward, poised with his hands on your shoulders and clearly having no fucking idea what to do next. It doesn’t help that neither of you are actually aroused yet – that’s just some vague plan for the looking-to-be-distant future.
‘You don’t have a taintchafing clue how to do this either, do you?’ you say flatly. Sollux shakes his head with a rueful smile, and you feel some sense of smugness at the knowledge that he is an inept as you are. The two of you can be losers together!
‘I gueth we could thtart kithing again?’ Sollux suggests. ‘I… Fuck, thith ith thuppothed to be natural. Should we jutht try thtarting and then not thtopping?’ You don’t see any other way of doing it and nod. Then mentally smack yourself because Sollux couldn’t see that, shitbrain, and make a noise of affirmation.
He leans in and kisses you, slow and deep, and your hands automatically goes to his hips. It feels natural, mostly, but you’re still nervous. There are so many ways it could go wrong, so many ways that you could fuck up.
You’re so used to going slow that it takes you a while to really do anything. When you eventually get around to slipping your hands under Sollux’s T-shirt, he’s wriggling out of it almost immediately and your own follows it to the floor right after. After that though you get used to being more passionate and less tender pretty quickly, because fuck if this isn’t what you’ve been wanting. The block is warm enough and the movement makes you warmer, but you’re still shivering slightly in excitement and anticipation.
‘You’re thmiling,’ Sollux informs you as he pulls away from a kiss. You pause for a moment to blink in astonishment.
‘No tho much now,’ he says, pressing his lips to the edge of your mouth but not actually giving you a kiss. You don’t have anything to say to that. You hadn’t realized you were smiling, maybe hadn’t realized that you were actually that happy either.
Holy shit that’s sad.
Sollux’s fingers brush at the waistband of your pants. ‘Can I take thethe off?’ he asks, voice clean of anything even remotely teasing or suggestive. An honest question and a good one. You’re glad he’s taking it at least semi-seriously.
You nod, close enough for him to feel it. Getting them over your hips is embarrassing, and there’s an awkward moment where you think your boxers might be trying to come off with them, but your pants end up on the floor and you end up mostly naked.
‘Should… I do it now?’ His hands hover at his flies. You reach out, slowly, mouth feeling dry. You lick your lips before you speak, but the words come out small and quiet regardless.
‘C-can I…?’ You brush your fingers over the cool metal of Sollux’s hands, and he shivers slightly at the touch. You’d be worried, except it wasn’t at all in a bad way. You think you’re feeling it too, as well as an interesting sensation between your legs that’s not at all familiar but not at all bad, either.
‘Go ahead,’ Sollux confirms. He smiles like he can’t help himself, and gives a nervous little laugh as you pull fabric away from his skin. He’s better at getting them off than you were, the bastard, but you don’t waste time thinking about that. Sollux is… breath-taking like this, there’s really no other word for it, and the urge to be close is steadily taking over every rational thought in your pan.
Sollux reaches a hand out, ghosts it over your thigh before feeling in between your legs to press against the sheath of your bulge.
You gasp in both pleasure and surprise, grinding down instinctively into the touch. Sollux’s fingers have no give to them; they are cold, hard and uncomfortable, but the feeling is good enough for you to put those factors aside. You haven’t ever done this, not properly – you’re still not comfortable with the sight of your own blood pigment, which has killed off any arousal pretty goddamn quickly in the past. This is different though. For one thing you can’t see it, and for another… it’s Sollux. Sollux doing it. And that makes it different in a way you can’t really describe.
He slides his hands further down, presses a finger against you nook. You gasp, and he smirks.
‘Do you like that, KK?’ He rubs against your opening and you bite back a moan. You shouldn’t be losing your shit like this, dammit! It’s fucking embarrassing.
‘Fuck you,’ you snap. Then, because you can’t keep your mouth shut, ‘and keep doing that.’ Sollux gives a snigger, the I-know-more-than-you-do-kind, and keeps on doing it. You can feel yourself getting wet already, bulge starting to distend, and your boxers will get stained if they don't come off soon.
Um. That came out wrong.
When Sollux withdraws his hand you actually can't stop yourself from whimpering. He's had that god-awful smirk on all this time and it only worsens at the sound.
'Eager, are we now?' You groan in frustration. Sollux takes hold of your boxers. Now he's the one going too slow, your mind and bulge both agree.
'Fucking hell, Sollux, I swear on the mothergrub's great blistering birth canal that I will flip my shit so damn hard that the bulgesnapping Condesce will see it unless you get a move on right this blood shitting second!'
His nose wrinkles. 'Lovely, KK.'
'Just... fuck, get me naked!’ Now it sounds like something from a cheap porno. You'd probably feel embarrassed if not for the fact that you are legitimately desperate and mostly part the point of shame. You have nothing against wining in frustration as Sollux slips off your underwear horribly slowly, finally exposing your semi-unsheathed bulge. Things start to feel awkward again at that, as you remember that you have no idea what you're doing, but you don't think about it long because you are quickly taken up with the sight of Sollux ridding himself of his own boxers just as slowly as he took off yours.
He's already fully out, you note with slight embarrassment. He touches himself briefly, using only the tips of his fingers, running them up and down his length. From the way the way he does it you can tell this isn't the first time. You imagine him briefly, sprawled lazily in his computer chair while he strokes himself leisurely, nook wet and glistening, precum beading at the tip of his bulge...
Fuck that's hot. You wonder if you can get him to show you that sometime…
Sollux idly reclines, leaning back against the arm of the couch, completely exposed to you. His nook is wet, very wet, and between the two of you you'll probably have to order new cough cushions. You don't care about that though, not one single shitsmearing bit, because Sollux is fucking offering himself to you and it is the sexiest thing you've ever seen.
'You do it,' he says, arching his knees. You swallow, nervousness flooding back.
'You sure?' Sollux makes a movement that means he would be rolling his eyes if he had them.
'Do I look unsure to you?' He sniggers again. 'Go on. Thtuff me.'
'Fill me up. Make me thwoon.'
'Jesus shit, all-fucking-right then!' You inch forward, biting your lip and fighting the stupid urge to giggle. 'Knew I'd have you begging for it,' you mutter, because you couldn't resist it.
Sollux does the eye-roll thing again. 'I'm horny as hell, jutht get on with it.' You slap his arm and he laughs, before the anxiety comes rushing back to both of you as you put your hands on his legs and guide them around your waist.
'Will it hurt you?' you ask, positioning your bulge just inches from Sollux's nook. Oh crap, you are literally about to do this. Goddamn. God motherfucking damn.
'Eh, a little,' he nonchalantly confirms. 'Not like I've never had anything in there before though.' Now it's your turn to roll your eyes.
'I really didn't need to know that, Sollux.'
'You sure?' He raises an eyebrow. 'I know it turnth you on, KK. Maketh you get thooo wet.'
'Oh for – just shut up!' It does turn you on and he's stupidly right about it. You take your bulge in your hand and press it against Sollux's nook, partly just to distract yourself. 'I'm about to do it.'
'No? Really?' Sollux grins. 'Come on KK. Don't worry about hurting me.'
'I... Ok.' You close your eyes and take a shaky breath.
You push in slowly, steadily, as much as for your benefit than for Sollux’s. You’re in almost instantly, he really is relaxed and that boosts your confidence a little. Still though, you pace yourself. It’s… fucking intense, this feeling, the slick, slightly cool walls of Sollux’s nook tight around such sensitive flesh. You bite back a moan, because you refuse to be the first to make any sound other than breathing, but damn does it feel good.
The urge to slam your bulge straight into the tight, wet space is almost overwhelming, but you hold yourself back. Do it slow, you remind yourself. You mustn’t hurt him, god, you’d kill yourself if you hurt him. And after just a little more pushing Sollux’s hips gently settle against your own, at last; it brings a sense of some kind of finality to the ritual, one of achievement as well. First part over and you both did good.
You open your eyes to look at Sollux’s face. He’s relaxed, sort of, although his breathing has gotten shallower and you can see sweat glistening on his skin. Still, he’s feeling comfortable enough to be an asshole.
‘Took you fucking forever. Scared, KK?’ Fuck, you love his smirk but hate it as well.
‘What? No!’ you protest, aiming for a sneer but missing by miles. You’re panting from the effort of restraining yourself – the feeling is almost too much. You want to move, so badly, but you refuse to do anything unless he does it first. For one thing it’d mean that he’d won. For another… you just want Sollux to enjoy this.
‘Feel free to thtart moving any time,’ he prods. You bite at your lip and tilt your hips a little, worried about the angle and all sorts of crap. Sex is difficult, it’s official, but you’re determined to make it worth it.
You lick your lips before you speak. You’d sort of like a drink, actually, but there is no fucking way you’re going to stop now forsomething as trivial as that. ‘Is-is this—?’
‘Shall I do it?’ Sollux cuts across. You feel relieved, though you swear to god that you’ll never let him know that.
‘Whatever,’ you reply, which you hope he’ll take as a yes. You don’t care about who tops, dominance and that shit, but you’d still rather not ask him to take control.
Sollux shifts slightly, getting the angle just right, and then slowly rolls his hips and holy fuck, that feels good. The pressure and friction on your bulge is just right and just screw staying quiet, ok, this is easily the best thing you have ever experienced and you want to keep on experiencing it.
‘Shit, KK… make that thound again.’ You do, mostly because you can’t help it, groaning loudly. Sollux will no doubt tease the shit out of you later for it but if it’s hot now then it’ll be worth it. Makes sense, you think wryly, that you’re just as loud during sex as you are during every other freaking thing you do. Sollux, by comparison, has been pretty quiet so far – more pants and gasps than cries or moans. You’re going to make him moan, you savagely decide – make him moan, sob, scream your name. You’ll wreck him in the best way possible, you’ll—
Sollux moves again, and it pretty much puts an end to any train of thought for a while. You’ll do that shit some other time, you resolve. Some other time when you’re not fucking swooning every time he so much as twitches. Sollux looks as if he knows exactly what he’s doing to do, smug smile never once having vanished from his face, and it’s more out of annoyance than anything that you finally start moving yourself, grunting and moaning with each thrust of your hips. You can at least try to be decent at this.
The first few thrusts have him shuddering in pleasure, breathing ragged as he crosses his ankles behind your back and squeezes your hips with this thighs.
‘Knew you’d get it eventually,’ he says breathlessly, but his words lack any venom behind them. Sollux tilts his head back, mouth open, pretty much handing all control over to you, and later you’ll accuse him of being lazy but right now it’s perfect. Your hips meet each other just gently enough not to hurt , Sollux’s meeting your thrusts perfectly, and you try to keep quiet just so that you can hear him – the breathy groans and gasping moans as his nook clenches repeatedly around your bulge, practically drawing you in with each thrust of your hips and fuck, oh fuck, you’re close.
Definitely close now – you can feel the genetic material gathering in your lower abdomen and it isn’t at all uncomfortable but shit, you wanted to last longer. It’s been barely any time at all and yeah, this is your first time, but it’s still pretty pathetic. From the look on Sollux’s face he isn’t near completion yet, and you can feel your cheeks burning with shame as you try to hold yourself back a bit… to no avail.
‘I’m close,’ you force out between groans, and then bite the inside of your cheek in an effort not to start slamming into Sollux as hard as you can. That would hurt him, you’re sure, but you’re speeding up despite yourself. It feels so good.
Sollux stirs to life again. He pulls you down and kisses you passionately, wet tongue sliding so sweetly against the dryness of your mouth. Then he pulls away slightly, puts his lips right next to your ear and murmurs, ‘don’t hold back.’
Fuck, that shouldn’t even have sounded so sexy but… God, no, you can’t hold back now and it only takes a few more rough, desperate thrusts before you’re sheathing yourself inside him as hard and as fast and as far as you can and you come.
You are dizzy in the aftermath of you release, but with it enough to admire how Sollux quickly grabs his own bulge just as your own starts sliding back into its sheath, and jerks himself hard until he’s painting yellow own his own stomach. After he lets go and settles back again you let your arms give way, flopping down onto his chest without any care for the squish of genetic material between your bodies. You feel calm, for once. Calm and very, very satisfied. You are so doing this again – soon, too, if you have any say in the matter.
Sollux raises his clean hand and starts running it through your hair. A chirr builds in your chest, you are that happy and contented despite the dryness of your throat and the stickiness of your skin. You should probably get up sometime to shower before it dries, and you’re pretty sure you’ve read somewhere that genetic material stains and—
Your chirr cuts off abruptly, eyes widening for a second before anxiety is replaced with the greatly preferred sentiment of ‘fuck it.’
‘We forgot the goddamn pail,’ you mumble, too sleepy and satisfied and sort of exasperated, now, to sit up and be loud.
‘You forgot the goddamn pail,’ Sollux corrects, apparently not too fussed with the situation. You half-heartedly punch his arm before letting yourself go limp again, choosing to drift comfortably for a while and procrastinate facing reality for as long as you possibly can.
‘Could’ve reminded me,’ you mutter for the sake of the argument. Then you shut up, for once in your life.