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The Internet Is, Strangely, Not For Porn

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Your name is John Egbert, and this is a prank gone almost superhumanly wrong. It was supposed to be simple, using an invisible catapult and a projector. Maybe you shouldn’t have used a sheet of untested ectoplasma as a hasty screen replacement? But the past’s the past; right now, you really need to concentrate on getting out of here. Hopefully Rose, Dave, and Jade aren’t too angry.

There! A couple feet above you; you’re pretty sure that’s the address bar. Just a little higher…

Your foot slips, and you accidentally knee the red logo. The page starts to fade out, and you’re falling….

John: Try being somebody else.

You are now Jade Harley, and we’re all in this togeth-

Wait, what? Where are you?

You remember John messing around with an alchemiter... and now it looks like you’re in a Youtube video? Yeah, you can see the title right down there, and there are some related videos to the side! If you squint, you think you can even see a girl who looks like Rose in one of them.

Maybe if you just sort of... lean over the edge of the video and reach out...

Jade: Enter new video.

It’s a dark and smoky night and you feel strangely cynical and aloof.

You find yourself in a sleazy setting surrounded by an ominous atmosphere conveyed by shadowy photography and foreboding background music.

You also feel the need to use ridiculously outdated police slang.

Not even in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I’d meet you in this place.
neither did i. you disappoint me, rose. i had you as another kind of dish.
(Are you a gumshoe now?)
(apparently :0)

You see Rose leaning against a gloomy corner in an alley, looking about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake.

You’re not sure what that means, but your internal narration in first person makes it sound mysterious and detached.

Decency and integrity are fancy words, but they never kept anybody well fed. And I’ve got quite an appetite.
the last thing i want is a flatfoot putting bracelets on you and then throwing you in the slammer. or in a wooden kimono :(
Take a powder, Cookie. You’re confusing business with sentiment.

Things escalate quickly. As quickly as. Wow, Rose is really close. As. Something that moves really quickly.

I would have hated to kill you.

Her lips brush your cheek when she speaks. Your breath catches-

And she vanishes into the night as unexpectedly as the last slice of pizza in the Striders’ residence.

Jade: Be Rose.

You are now Rose Lalonde, and after slipping out of the film with Jade, it appears you've landed in some overblown Western. The saloon you’ve found yourself in is a murmuring milieu of soft focus and sepia, bustling with lukewarm background personalities playing billiards offscreen.

You strike an appropriate pose as somebody enters the bar. Perhaps the rugged hero of your dreams?

You have got to be kidding me.
no kidding in this here parts maam
im returning to my roots as a texan
i have the hat and everything
guess how many gallons will fit in this fucker
face it lalonde
i am your hero
its me
hold onto your panties cause this cowboys got a pair of guns
and spoiler alert they aint the ones in these awesome holsters
Consider my panties firmly held.
I think you might be getting too invested in this scenario.
what you mean youre not swooning all over my fine self
Oh, I’m swooning with the best of them, I assure you.
What woman could ever resist those dusted boots, anachronistic aviators, and aforementioned many-gallonned hat.
hell yeah
However, while I am busy swooning over your rugged good looks, might I suggest we head to another video?
It’s of the utmost importance we locate John and Jade, and to do that-
holy shit check out that video
hold my hat lalonde ill be back in a flash
Wait, we need to go together-

And there he goes. Goddammit.

Rose: Maybe it’s time to be somebody else?

You are now John, travelling through yet another video after tumbling off of the logo like an hour ago. You’re starting to zone out and really fall into the role you’ve been assigned here, but a familiar voice snaps you out of it.

huh? jade? what are you doing here?
ive been looking everywhere for you!
where are we anyways?
some sort of video game i think?
sometimes these status bars and dialogue options come up and stuff.
cool! i really like your armor, by the way
you look really awesome!!

Speaking of dialogue options, it looks like you have three right now...

John: Choose the romantic option.

What happens next goes by in a blur of dialogue trees and scripted flirtatious comments, and the next thing you know, you’ve got your hand in her hair and you’re both leaning in really close, lips almost touching.

are you ready to explore my delta quadrant?
(jade, that's star trek.)

I’m sorry, was I interrupting something?
not at all!!
or- well- maybe?
yeah. maybe.
Regardless, I’m glad I finally found the two of you.
I think Dave is in need of some rescuing.
really?? o:
Yes, really.
He’s fallen into one of the most treacherous reaches of the Internet, from which few can ever hope to return.
where is that?
Cat videos.

Dave: Pull yourself away from the adorable little fluffballs.

You fail.


woah hey whatre you guys doing
rescuing you!!
because were all in this together!!
and were not leaving anybody behind!
we’re trying to get out of these stupid videos and back to the real world.
My intuition tells me that if we can make it through the next one, then we’ll be able to find a way out of here.
you sure
I’m confident.
lets go!! :D

goddammit dave.