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Ray Person's Big Gay Life (Redux)

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Annabelle gets pregnant, and Ray has nine months to be utterly appalled, but it still comes as a surprise when they get called to the hospital after they're already in bed, and Ray would be lying if he said it didn't interrupt something, but for once he doesn't actually mind.

He manages to put pants and a shirt on before he leaves, and he thinks that's an achievement, though he's stuck waiting anyway while Walt does stupid things like tie his shoes and lock the door behind them.

"Wait a second," Ray says, stopped at a red light. Ordinarily he'd blow right through it, but they're beside a police station and Brad would never let them live it down if he was there to witness the birth of their grandbaby and they weren't. "Wait a second, this means Anna's been having sex. Oh my god."

"You are amazing," Walt says. "How is she even still alive to produce a child? How is it you're still alive?"

"Ew ew ew," Ray says feelingly.

He's still not over it when they get to the hospital, and he is definitely not over it when they get into Annabelle's room, and Jacob is there, looking all concerned and nice and killable.

"You had sex with my daughter," Ray says to Jacob, pointing menacingly.

"Yes?" Jacob says, sounding confused. "Uh. Yes?" He looks helplessly at Walt, like Walt can save him, but what he doesn't understand is that nothing can save him now.

"They've been having sex forever, moron," Walt says. "Why do you think we had date night?"

"Uh, so we could fuck in the car?" Ray says.

"Daddy, I swear to god I will kill you," Annabelle says from the bed, and she looks like she's in enough pain that she means it.

And then Ray remembers why they're there. "Do you need anything?" he asks. "Water? To hold my hand? For me to kill Jacob?"

"I'm considering it," she says, and that's his girl. He knew she'd come around.

Ray hates to be the dick dad, but it gets kind of boring for awhile there, because apparently babies take a long time even when you aren't stealing them from other countries, and there is only so much Ray can take of Annabelle's pain, and only so much threatening Jacob can take from both Annabelle and Ray before he starts looking a little crazy around the eyes. And great. Even Jacob makes a better Crazy Eyes than him.

"Why can't you hurry up?" Ray whines, after it's been hours.

And it's like it's the magic sentence of baby-bringing or something, because that's when the really scary shit starts happening, the shit that involves doctors actually paying attention, and Annabelle making sounds that are from horror movies and warzones and pretty much nothing else.

"Push," Mr. Way Too Calm Doctor Dude says, like she isn't pushing or something. God, she may be Ray's kid, but she's not a moron.

"Oh my god this is the most disgusting thing I've ever fucking witnessed," Ray says.

"Do you want to be kicked out?" Annabelle says, with her teeth all gritted and her face all sweaty and this is so fucking disgusting but she's still his beautiful baby girl somehow. "I will kick you the fuck out."

"Language, Anna," Ray says, and pets back some of her sweaty hair.

"You are the worst dad ever," she says back, then screams.

Eventually there's a baby. There's a lot of screaming first, and Ray really wants to hide, but Brad wouldn't let him live that down either. And Walt definitely wouldn't. Walt would probably kill him over that.

"It's a baby," Ray says dumbly.

"Do you want to hold him?" Annabelle asks, finally, because she's been very greedy with the holding while Ray's been busy reeling.

"A baby," Ray repeats. "You made a baby all by yourself. It's like magic."

"Sometimes I wonder if anyone can possibly be as dumb as you act," Walt says, and then takes the baby himself, which totally isn't fair. Annabelle offered it to Ray first.

Ray crowds in, touches the baby's tiny little hands. "Like magic," Ray repeats, and Walt hums in agreement.

And then:

At some point Ray realises that this is his life. Like, he knew that, but he didn't know that getting a little fixated on some (really very awesome) dude's lips would end in gay marriage and babies and grandbabies. At some point Ray went grey, and Walt needed glasses to read, and Momma Person stopped getting around without a cane and then proceeded to hit him with that cane every time he showed what she called sass. Which left him with a lot of bruises.

At some point Nate stopped rolling his eyes as much, but that's probably because Nate just got too used to him to roll his eyes, and Annabelle went and grew up, and Brad left the military to his own little gay retirement, at some point Ray looked around and had a home and a family and realised that.

"Oh my god I married you," Ray says one day, when Walt's reading the paper, as usual, and drinking coffee, as usual, and playing footsie with him under the table, as usual.

"You are too retarded to live," Walt says without looking up, and kicks his shin.

Ray kicks him back and grins. "I can't believe you were stupid enough to marry me."

"Me either," Walt says, but he's grinning too.