Actions

Work Header

The Apocalypse Will Not Be Liveblogged

Work Text:

You may have noticed a stranger on the streets of Night Vale, a person who claims to be a reporter by the name of Buck Williams. The City Council would like me to remind you that the children of Night Vale did not disappear mysteriously 18 months ago, nor did they reappear just as mysteriously six months later, and Desert Bluffs' claims that we stole their children are completely foundless - we certainly aren't to blaim for their inability to maintain their bloodstone circles. For shame, Desert Bluffs. For shame.

The Sheriff's Secret Police have investigated this Williams and reassure me that he is not, as he claims, the World's Greatest Investigative Reporter, and his claims of a vast conspiracy are baseless. Surely if these non-events were of any interest to the outside world there would be more than one so-called reporter here to investigate it. Our newest intern Carmella saw him ostentatiously ducking behind buildings while the black helicopters flew overhead, but, she says, they paid him absolutely no attention. If that isn't proof I don't know what is. And on that note, congratulations to Carmella for surviving her first month here at the station. Well done, Carmella!

~.~

Dust. It is in the air, it is on the ground. It is on the tops of windowsills that you just can't reach. It is what you are, and to what you shall return. It is a handful of fear, a line drawn that you must not cross. Dust.

This message brought to you by Dr Pepper.

Dear listeners, the so-called World's Greatest Investigative Reporter is back! You may have seen him down at the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. Several listeners have reported that they thought they saw a sea of blood in the area. Definitely a mirage - as we all know, we're well into the dry season now.

I received a note slipped under the station door this morning, advising anyone who has a constant ringing in their ears in the 12-13 kHz range that they should stand under the nearest lightpost and whisper "antiquated symmetry". Do not be alarmed when you wake up tomorrow with no memory of the past day.

~.~

And now, the weather.

During the break I received a phone call from Cub Scout Den Mother Agatha Vincenti. She says that two of her Cub Scouts disappeared as the man calling himself the World's Greatest Investigative Reporter walked by. At first she thought they were simply practicing for their invisibility badge, but when she moved in to congratulate them she temporarily forgot about their existence - and it isn't even Tuesday! So all you parents out there, make sure that you and your children avoid him until further notice. A vague yet menacing government agency denies that they have any interest in this man, so I think we can consider the matter well in hand.

~.~

The Sheriff's Secret Police have provided an update: the so-called World's Greatest Investigative Reporter is generating a massive Reality Distortion Field. Carlos says the man has the strongest such field he's ever experienced, and he was once an intern at Apple. Do not approach him unless your grasp on your own personal reality is completely unshakable. If you are not certain, ask yourself: do you believe in hooded figures and shadow governments? You're probably fine. A single world government, world peace, a universal currency, and frogs? Return home immediately, find a blanket, and hide underneath it. Remember, the darkness is always your friend.

The Psychic Circus will be coming to town next Thursday! Auditions will be held before every performance. Also, this Thursday has been rescheduled to last Wednesday.

~.~

People of Night Vale: The City Council has temporarily lifted the restriction of knowledge of angels so that I can bring you this important warning: The angels are on the move. Get off the streets now. If this message comes too late, remember that the feeling of cosmic insignificance will fade away in time. How much time? Well, what is time to an angel?

~.~

Old Woman Josie, who as you recall frequently has the angels over for tea and minor home repair, has just called to tell us that the crisis is over. The angel named Erika, not the tall one, the other one, confronted the man who used to call himself the World's Greatest Investigative Reporter and spoke only three words: "You are wrong."

The City Council wants to remind you that you should no longer know anything about angels, and you should especially not speak to or acknowledge any angels you might encounter. After today, I'm sure we don't have to worry about that happening.

And now, traffic. Due to a construction error, the new cloverleaf connecting Route 800 to the interstate is actually a Möbius strip. Expect half the usual delays.