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"Rabbis, it is time for the morning posts"

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Alias. Rabbi Eliezer began the conversation by saying, "My friends, I am like a fan who has been around since the days of Blake's 7 and The Professionals, but I was not able to authoritatively answer the question of whether or not Eric Weiss was a Jewish character until Ben Zoma found an interview with Greg Grunberg. Ben Zoma analyzed it thusly: 'My characters are Jewish', only means that Sean Blumberg is Jewish, but 'All my characters are Jewish', means that Eric Weiss is, as well.

Rabbi Yehoshua disagreed. He said, 'Jewish' would mean only Sean Blumberg is Jewish, 'My characters are Jewish', would mean Eric Weiss is, as well, but 'All my characters are Jewish', means that even Matt Parkman is a Jewish character.

Rabbi Elazar Ben Azarya said that Grunberg's position was irrelevant, since he wasn't the creator of the text, and clearly JJ Abrams is a good Jewish boy and must have intended Eric Weiss to be a Jewish character.

To which Rabbi Akiva responded, "Hello, we are not only Jews, but we are rabbis and fans, and close textual analysis is supposed to be our gig. Can we not see evidence in the canon text that Eric Weiss is a Jewish character? Certainly we can see evidence that Sean Blumberg is Jewish. One need only turn to the episode 'Kissing Mr. Covington' for a storyline revolving around his religion."

Rabbi Tarphon said, "You totally never watched Felicity, you liar. You looked that up on Television without Pity."

"Be that as it may," said Rabbi Akiva, "the source text still supports my argument."

Rabbi Tarphon said, "You are just being stubborn."

Rabbi Yehoshua pointed out that there is no definitive evidence in the text of Alias that Eric Weiss is Jewish one way or the other. "However," he added. "There is also no evidence in the source text of Xena that definitively states to Xena and Gabrielle are sleeping together, and we all know that is true."

Rabbi Elazar Ben Azarya waggled his eyebrows.

Rabbi Eliezer said, "That is a poorly chosen example, Yehoshua. There is far more subtext supporting Xena and Gabrielle's sexual relationship than there is supporting Eric Weiss' Judaism."

Rabbi Tarphon asked, "Let's reframe the question a different way. If Eric Weiss were Jewish, would we read him any differently? Would that change our interpretation of the text? Would we be any more or less likely to write Weiss/Vaughn in a Canadian shack?"

"Canaanite shack, you mean," said Rabbi Akiva.

"Whatever," said Rabbi Tarphon. "The point is, does positing Eric Weiss as Jewish change anything? For example, by contrasting him with another Jewish sidekick, namely, The Tick's Arthur, is Weiss made to look like he parallels the goofy accountant in the moth suit?"

"What about his relationship with Nadia?" asked Rabbi Elazar Ben Azarya. "If both members of that relationship are quote unquote ethnic, does that lessen the exoticising effect the show imposed upon Nadia and her culture?"

"Lena Olin played a Jew once," said Rabbi Yehoshua. "In Enemies: a Love Story."

"What has that got to do with anything?" asked Rabbi Eliezer.

"Nothing," said Rabbi Yehoshua. "But she's hot."

At that, all the rabbis had to agree that Lena Olin is, indeed, smoking, and the fact that she has one played a Jew made her even hotter, and then they sat around picspamming each other with hot Jewish actors and characters until the newbies came and said, "rabbis, it is time for the morning posts."