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Close Encounters of the Diastrous Kind

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[INTERIOR shot of a small room where everything is made of a shiny silver metal. Enter MAYHEM, who throws himself into a hard-looking uncomfortable chair facing the audience and swivels back and forth in it while grabbing onto a desk edge. He's wearing a tailor-made black suit and tie and a plastic headband with spring-type antennae with googly eyes on top of his head. Every time he moves, they bounce back and forth crazily. He has butterfly stitches on his eyebrow, a split lip, and glowing green goo in his hair. He gives the audience a grin that manages to be both smug and manic.]

 

MAYHEM: I'm a bored alien from Planet 10032-RG1104Z. My brain has three hundred times the processing speed as your puny, primitive human one. What do I do with my superior intellect? I play hooky from my techie job with the Invasion Sector of the Mothership and go out on a joyride with the Fearless Leader's super tricked-out private flying saucer. 'Cause that's what I do.

 

[INTERIOR: MAYHEM flicks framed, signed pic of David Duchovny until it falls to the floor and cracks. There is a furry cushion-shaped, feature-less creature sitting in the co-pilot's chair. It has a collar around its entire body with a tag that says "Rover". It makes happy little guinea pig noises.

 

MAYHEM: I steal the boss's ship and I'm like, "Road trip!"

 

MAYHEM: I drop invasive species like bombs of deadly cuteness on the unsuspecting everywhere I go, 'cause that's what I do.

 

[INTERIOR shot of the spaceship, which is now full of cushion-shaped fur-ball creatures. MAYHEM scratches one under where its chin would be and says, "Coochy-coochy-coo!" He scoops it up and opens a hatch in the floor. He says "Bombs away!" and lets it go. The fur-ball creature makes giggling guinea pig sound.]

 

[EXTERIOR shot of the fur-ball creature landing in little girl's arms. She says, "Look, Mommy! Isn't it cute? Hey, there's two of them! No, three . . . four . . .five . . . "]

 

[Camera swings back to an INTERIOR shot of the spaceship. MAYHEM is chuckling maniacally.]

 

MAYHEM: I put my feet up and let my antennae wave free while flying the Fearless Leader's stolen spaceship, just cruisin', 'cause that's what I do.

 

[INTERIOR shot of MAYHEM sitting in pilot's chair and leaning back to put his feet up on the "dashboard" of the command center, accidentally pushing a large lever forward.

 

MAYHEM says, "Whoops!"]

 

[EXTERIOR shot of the spaceship careening wildly. It crashes into a cornfield, leaving a huge path of destruction of cornstalks behind and creating a huge divot in the dirt.]

 

MAYHEM: I crash into a cornfield just as you're passing by in your car, 'cause I have, like, perfect timing. The extraterrestrial magnetic field of my ship makes you swerve right into a ditch. Your cut-rate insurance won't pay for that. But that still falls under accident forgiveness, so get All-State, and be better protected from Mayhem, like me.

 

[EXTERIOR shot of the man from the crashed car gets out, a little banged up but basically okay. He stares in awe at the spaceship tilted on its side and sticking out of the ground. MAYHEM hops out and pulls leaking green crystals from the damaged side of the ship.]

 

MAYHEM: After I crash and burn, I have to repair my ship's engine. You're conveniently standing by and I'm like, "Here, hold this" and hand you the highly radioactive glowing green alien rocks I use for the ship's fuel. You grab them out of reflex because you're in awe of me. They leak radioactive ooze all over you and make you "special". You casually point back at your car to blame me and accidentally pick it up and slam it back down again with your new telekinetic powers you have absolutely no idea how to control. It explodes.

 

This is where I remind you that your cut-rate insurance definitely won't pay for that, but it still falls under Accident Forgiveness. So get All-State, and be better protected from Mayhem, like me. What would you do without me?

 

--

[EXTERIOR: MAYHEM has gotten the spaceship running again. A hooded figure from above on a flying bicycle pleads, "Home?" MAYHEM says, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya, Loser!" and takes off at warp speed.]

 

MAYHEM: I'm an alien bored out of my mind. I put an implant in your head just to amuse myself.

 

[INTERIOR: MAYHEM controlling the same man from before with a few swipes on a tablet-like device. He says, "Dance, Monkey, dance! The man jerkily does the Robot while MAYHEM chuckles. MAYHEM leans into his ear and whispers, "No one will ever believe you." ]

 

MAYHEM: I terraform your planet to suit my own species' needs. I take a bunch of you and put you in a giant rat maze and study you. I accidentally rip a hole in the fabric of reality with my ray-gun, so that whales that walk upright from the Evolved Whale Dimension invade your world and place humanity into corporate theme parks. I make time stop every time you pass that one spot on the road. I don't eviscerate the cows. That's your government playing with our technology. You lose your job because you misplace a whole week of time. I force you into a bodyswitch so I can catch up on my Netflix and you can do my job for me. I bring the weird, 'cause that's what I do.

The weird part isn't even the mind-control, the weird scars, the cows, or the deja vu. The weird part is that sometimes, when you look at me, you don't see an alien at all. Sometimes, you see a handsome, devil may care man in a tailored black suit. Sometimes, in between the flashes of being on an operating table or in a giant maze, you see the real me, Mayhem, winking at you. Maybe it's the implant's effect on the human brain, or maybe it's the radioactive goo, but either way --

There's no insurance for that. Ha, ha! Sucker. Unless you can figure out how to involve a vehicle of some kind. Like when the flash of my ship streaking by makes you drive off the side of the road. But for everything else, get Allstate, and be better protected from Mayhem, like me.