Dreams (The Gone But Not Forgotten Mix)

by Glinda

Summary:

To be remembered always; there are worse fates.

There are two hundred and eighty six demon-dimensions or hells; at least there were last time Doyle counted. There are also several thousand alternative earths – thank you, uncertainty principle – and nine dimensions that are variations on what he can only think of as Valhalla, where the heroic dead end up. He doesn't think about the place dead slayers go: all he knows is that it is peaceful and whatever rest they find there they've earned it. Doyle is in none of these places; he doesn't think the Powers That Be have anything further planned for him, but he's beginning to think they might have forgotten about him.

Doyle watches the world he left behind through Cordelia's eyes. Not literally because that would just be a bit creepy, but he sees the world the way she sees it. It's as though part of him was passed to her along with his visions and has stayed with her all this time. So he lives in her dreams, keeping up with events as she processes them in her sleep. Sometimes he's part of the events she's reliving and at others he's just a bystander. There are days when she bitches about auditions and drives him up the wall, and days when they have serious conversations – both worried and proud – about new threats, old enemies, and the ongoing battle for Angel's soul. Other days he just holds her while she cries and clings to him. She keeps dreaming of him and he keeps on existing. It's been two years now and he doesn't feel as though he's fading away at all.

He never meant to give Cordelia his visions. It was just that he knew he was going to die and if he was going to die heroically, he was damned if he was going into it with any regrets. He doesn't regret it, kissing her – let's be honest, if he had his time over he'd kiss her a lot more - or giving her his visions because she's done well with them. Cordelia having the visions has bound her and Angel together in his absence. Angel can't close his link to the Powers That Be and Cordelia can't turn away from the things she sees. Doyle wouldn't have wished those visions on anyone, but he doesn't regret the way they've forced the pair of them to care for and look out for each other.

The visions are changing Cordelia, making her stronger and more serious. He sees her stand up for Gunn, tease Wesley, defend Angel and help Fred heal. Seeing them all through her eyes, through the prism of her affection and loyalty, Doyle can't help but care for the rest of the team. Sparring, training, researching, arguing, laughing and living among them he can forget for a while that he no longer exists anywhere outside of memories and dreams; that if he were to reappear on Earth alive these people wouldn't know him, wouldn't trust him.

There are dreams that Cordelia has that Doyle tries to avoid thinking about. Not the screaming nightmares; those he can understand and deal with, offer comfort where he can. No, the dreams he avoids thinking about aren't the ones in which she is sad or scared, or even the ones where she's daydreaming about whoever her new beau happens to be. Those may hurt, but it's a good sort of hurt. He tells himself they're just a fantasy, as harmless as her occasional X-rated sexual ones – he's quite sure she has lots he doesn't know about but he really, really enjoys the ones she does involve him in – insists they're a natural part of the grieving process. In these dreams he didn't die, they're together and far away from Angel Investigations. Neither of them are plagued by visions in the dream, their life is normal, safe and domestic. Sometimes he is a pure-blood human, others he will sneeze in bed and his demon form will unexpectedly manifest and she will run her hands tenderly over his transformed features as though learning them by heart. Doyle's fairly sure this isn't what either of them wanted while he was alive, yet they show no sign of fading as time passes. He doesn't know whether this is his dream or hers and that scares him a little.

Doyle knows that Cordelia thinks Angel has forgotten about him and that it rankles a little during her waking hours. If Doyle knows anything about Angel it's that the vampire never forgets anyone whose death he feels responsible for. If pressed, Angel could probably tell you the names of every single person he's killed or failed to save and even if he didn't know their name he would remember their face. When he thinks about it that way, Doyle is extremely grateful its not Angel's dreams he's stuck in. Angel just doesn't talk about it, he's spent so long alone that even opening up as little as he has to Cordelia is hard. Though, given how often Cordelia's happier dreams involve her reliving some especially emotionally stunted speech or action of Angel's, apparently purely so Doyle can share her amusement, really she should know better. This is Cordelia after all, he doesn't think he'll ever understand her, he just loves her the best way he knows how.

He shouldn't remember the brief time when Cordelia didn't have his visions, that alternative life where all her dreams really did come true and he didn't feature at all. He refuses to remember Angel broken by his visions, Gunn struggling to translate and battle the threats they tell of. He certainly doesn't remember if non-existence is cold anymore than he is aware of what happens to him when Cordelia is awake. What Doyle gladly remembers however, is that Cordelia had a chance to give up her visions, to have all her dreams come true and a normal life, yet she still chose to take the visions back. In the end it just wasn't in her not to do the right thing. In that night's dream they kiss on the dock, visions passing between them more clearly and vividly than they had in real life, both of them knowing what he has done and she looks into his eyes and thanks him. In her eyes he reads that she means it with all her heart.

Doyle doesn't like to think about what will happen to him when she dies. Will he be able to follow where she goes, will he finally get to move on or will he simply cease to be? He suspects the latter. Sometimes he wonders if Angel will dream of Cordelia the way Cordelia dreams of Doyle. Angel's still got miles to go before he sleeps for good and, well Doyle's always felt safe and loved here in her dreams, watching over his friends: he can think of far worse fates to wish her. To be remembered always.