Kurt wakes up with a call from Blaine.
(Which, admittedly, hadn't happened in quite a while.)
“Good morning, sweetheart,” Blaine said quietly, and Kurt has to pinch himself to make sure he's not still asleep. “I'm sorry you had to leave out so soon this morning. I just wanted to thank you again, for taking me back.”
“What?” Kurt asks, but having just woken up and with his head still half-covered by his pillow, sounds more like blufh?
“I know. Last night was amazing for me, too.” Blaine laughs, low and sweet, and that's what makes Kurt lift his head up, finally. “Anyway, I need to finish getting ready for school, but I just wanted to hear your voice again. I love you, and I can't wait for our date tonight!”
“...What the hell, Blaine?”
“What are you talking about?” Kurt rubs the sleep from his eyes. “We aren't back together. When did you think we got back together?”
“Uh, last night?” His ex finally answers. “When you showed up at my house? And then fucked me against the wall, and asked if we could get back together and if you could buy me dinner at Breadstix tonight?”
Kurt rubs his forehead. “Blaine. I think you dreamed that.”
“No, I didn't. I know I didn't. I've got hickeys to prove it.” Blaine says, and Kurt can hear the rising panic in his voice. “If you don't want to get back together that's fine but you should stop playing games with me. It isn't right, Kurt.”
Kurt yawns sleepily. “Blaine, I've been at my dad's house since yesterday and haven't left. I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Yes, seriously.” He laughs, flopping back down onto his pillow. It figures Blaine would call him just because of a dream he had...
“Kurt, if you've been at your dad's house, then who did I sleep with last night?” Blaine shrieks, his voice high-pitched and panicking.
Kurt rolls his eyes. “I already told—you're probably dreaming!”
“But I wasn't! I know I wasn't, and I know it was you!” Blaine says hurriedly. “Kurt, he even had a freckle on his ass like you do!”
Kurt rolls his eyes and yawns. “Right. I'm going back to bed. Keep an eye out for my identical twin then, will you?”
He hangs up, and goes back to sleep.
In all honesty, he doesn't think about what Blaine says at all until he's at the Lima Bean later that afternoon.
It's weird, but there's a guy behind the counter who looks sort of like Kurt—only, he has pink streaks in his hair and a nose ring, and honestly that will only ever happen if Kurt's dead, so Kurt doesn't think about it too much.
It's only when he sees Blaine tucked away in a quiet little corner of the coffee shop, surrounded with books, that he thinks anything strange is going on at all.
“What are you doing out of school?” He asks Blaine, walking over to him with a mocha in his hands. “Also, cute glasses. Very nerd-chic.”
Blaine looks up at him, and he looks—different. There are thick, horn-rimmed glasses on his nose, and he seems to be smaller, somehow. Like he's holding himself differently somehow.
“I'm always here in the afternoons,” Blaine says, eying Kurt suspiciously. “I have study hall this period, and this way I can get some actual studying done without anyone trying to throw me in a dumpster.”
Before Kurt gets a chance to say anything, Blaine continues “Did you dye your hair or something?”
He will admit the blonde highlights to no one. “No, of course not.” He sits down at Blaine's table. “Are—are you having trouble at McKinley? I thought everything was better now.”
Blaine merely blinks at him. “I could have sworn you had pink streaks in your hair before. Also, why are you talking to me?”
Kurt rolls his eyes. “Oh come on. Is this about this morning?”
“I have no idea what you're talking about.”
“Don't be like that, okay? So you had a weird dream and you thought it was real—it's okay. It happens to everyone.”
Blaine pushes his glasses back up his nose and begins to gather his things. “You're weirding me out now. I'm going to leave. Bye.”
“Look,” Blaine whirls around mid-backpack stuffing. “I don't know you. We've never actually spoken before in my life. You may have changed your hair, but that doesn't change the fact that you and your skanks beat up guys like me and take our lunch money, and I want nothing to do with you. Leave me alone.”
And then he's gone, leaving Kurt flabbergasted and alone with his coffee.
...Did you perhaps where glasses today? He texts Blaine a few minutes later.
Fuck no. Is the response he gets. Also, who the fuck is this and how did you get this number?
Kurt lowers his phone. Something weird is going on, and he needs to find Blaine.
He just hopes he finds the right one.
“Okay, you were right,” he walks up to Blaine at McKinley after driving there straight after the incident at the Lima Bean. “Something weird is going on. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you this morning.”
Blaine looks up from the notebook he's holding at his locker. Good, no glasses. “Oh, hey Kurt.” He says, shoving the binder back into his locker. “What are you talking about? I didn't talk to you this morning.”
Kurt stares at him. “Um, yes you did? You called me and tried to tell me we had sex?”
Blaine bursts out into laughter. “Oh my God, that's hilarious. You should tell Finn—he'll find it hilarious.”
Kurt stares at him for a few moments. Something's not quite right... “Why is that so funny, exactly?”
“Um, because I'm straight?” Blaine laughs lightly before shutting his locker. “I'm also dating Tina? Kurt? Kurt, what's wrong?”
Kurt doesn't even respond: he just turns around and starts heading straight out the door.
As he leaves McKinley, he passes a blonde Rachel Berry, a Sam Evans wearing a leather jacket and a nose ring, and a Tina Cohen-Chang who looks like she might actually be a vampire.
He doesn't make eye-contact with any of them: he just goes.
Please let Blaine be at his house. Please let Blaine be at his house.
Thankfully, when he knocks on the Anderson's door, Blaine is the one who answers, albeit hesitantly.
“Are you the real Kurt?” He asks suspiciously, and Kurt nearly sighs with relief.
“Yes. Are you the Blaine I talked to on the phone this morning?”
Blaine throws the door up and jumps into his arms. “Oh thank God. I went to the Lima Bean this morning and you had pink highlights and wanted to know why I wasn't wearing my glasses.”
He squeezes him tightly. “I know.”
“I don't wear glasses, Kurt! I've never worn glasses.”
“Like I'd ever have pink highlights! Come on!” He squeezes Blaine as tightly as he can. “We should get inside.”
The way they did the math, there were three other versions of them that they'd run into so far.
There was the Kurt with pink hair who worked at the Lima Bean. There was the Kurt Blaine had a date with tonight. And there was apparently a Kurt who was also a jock and wore a McKinley letterman jacket, but Blaine didn't actually talk to him—just noticed him from a distance.
And there were also three different Blaine. There was nerdy Blaine, and there was apparently straight-and-dating-Tina Blaine, and there was the Blaine who responded to Kurt's text, who Kurt was almost certain wasn't any of the other Blaine's, if only because of his language.
“How did this happen?” Blaine asked, holding his head up in his hands. “I'm so confused!”
He reached over and squeezed Blaine's knees. “I am, too. But I have a plan.”
He nodded. “I'm going on your date with you tonight. And we're going to kidnap this other Kurt, and we're going to get him to tell us what the hell is going on.”
Blaine looked down at his feet. “That seems mean. Maybe we can just ask him nicely?”
“This guy is impersonating me, Blaine! We are so kidnapping him.”
“Okay,” Blaine agrees quietly. “But uh, how am I going to tell you two apart?”
“Well! It's a legitimate question! I couldn't tell last night even!”
Kurt rolls his eyes, but he grabs a bandana off of Blaine's dresser and ties it to his wrist. “I'll be wearing this, okay? That's how you'll know its me.” He grabs another one and ties it to Blaine's. “And this is how I'll know you are you, okay? No confusion.”
Blaine bites his bottom lip. “Okay. Good.”
“Okay,” Kurt sighs, and lies back down on Blaine's bed before he remembers something. “...Was there anything different about me? I mean, the me from last night?”
Blaine shakes his head. “Not physically. You were kind of acting strange, though.”
“I dunno,” Blaine shrugs. “You kept asking me to forgive you—said you'd do anything for us to get back together. I don't know, it was weird.”
Huh. “I guess we'll find out why tonight then, huh?”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
Christ. Other Kurt did look just like Kurt. In fact, Kurt was pretty sure he owned those pants, and that scarf too, though where on Earth his double got that brooch, Kurt was sort of desperate to find out.
Other Kurt smiles and kisses Blaine as soon as he sees him, right in the middle of Breadstix, which is something Kurt would never do. “Sweetheart, thank God.”
“Hi Kurt.” Blaine blushes, and flashes the real Kurt the Symbol.
“I thought I saw you making out with Tina earlier and nearly had a heart attack.” Other Kurt laughs, reaching across the table to take Blaine's hand into his own; Kurt is absolutely not jealous. “I guess I was just imaging things.”
“I guess so.” Blaine laughs lightly at the mental image, smiling coyly, and Kurt—ugh, is he flirting?
“Anyway, how was your day?” His double asks sweetly, and oh God, Kurt can't actually watch this.
He waits until nobody else is looking, and whacks the other Kurt on the back of his head, knocking him unconscious. “Kurt!”
“Grab him and let's go!”
“I can't believe you did that! He might have brain damage!”
Well, he shouldn't have been flirting with you! “It'll be okay, I have a thick skull. Let's go.”
They carry the other Kurt out to Blaine's station wagon: as they leave, they pass by Sam and Puck, who are making out.
Blaine gives him a small smile. “At least we know it's not just us?”
And that does help, a little bit.
It takes like, an hour for the other Kurt to finally wake up, and when he finally does, he's not happy.
“What the hell?” He asks, holding the ice pack Blaine retrieved to his forehead. “Why would you do that?”
“I'm sorry!” Blaine says hurriedly. “We just had to get you here somehow!”
“And you couldn't just ask?” He complains, patting at his hair with concern. “Also, who's we?”
Dramatically, Kurt steps in front of him. “Me. The real Kurt.”
His double does not look impressed, or even particularly surprised. “What makes you the real Kurt?” he asks, fixing his hair. “I ran into a female version of me—you--us earlier today, and she insisted she was the real Kurt, too.”
“How many of us do you think there are?” Kurt wonders, before he stops himself. “Wait a minute! Stop it! I know I'm the real Kurt because this is my life and that's my boyfriend--”
“I thought you said we weren't dating?”
“--you seduced, you hussy!”
The other Kurt frowns, and drops the ice pack slowly. “Honestly? I was just glad he was talking to me again. I really didn't notice whether he was my Blaine or not.”
Blaine pulls his chair closer. “Why wouldn't I talk to you?”
Kurt stares at him like he's crazy. “Um. Because I cheated on you with my coworker at Vogue?”
“But,” Blaine ignores him. “I cheated on you.”
Other Kurt shakes his head. “No, you didn't. I—you told me you were tempted to when you visited me in New York and I told you the truth, but you never actually cheated on me.”
“I don't believe this,” Kurt shrieks. “You mean where you come from, I cheat on Blaine instead of Blaine cheating on me? Also, which coworker?”
“Chase! Chase Madison!” Other Kurt finally shrieks back. “But it doesn't matter, because it didn't mean anything!”
“Oh my God,” Kurt groans, holding his head in his hands. “There's another version of me, and apparently he's a cheating slut--”
The other Kurt stands suddenly. “Don't you dare.” He says, sounding hurt and betrayed. “I was lonely. I missed him so much,” he points to Blaine, crying softly. “And I had a moment of weakness, and I made a mistake—one I have regretted every moment since it happened, because it cost me him.” He wipes at his eyes. “We're still not back together because I messed up, okay? So don't.”
He sits back down and cries quietly; Kurt feels ashamed of himself for a multitude of reasons, and Blaine sits down on the bed and wraps his arms around the other Kurt, letting him cry softly in his arms.
Kurt bites his bottom lip. “That still doesn't explain why you're here, though. I mean, in this universe”
“I don't know why you think I went anywhere—I just came home to visit my Dad! For all I know, you're in my universe!”
Around that time, Blaine's bedroom door opens.
“Fucking hell,” a curly-haired, leather jacket wearing Blaine asks. “What the hell happened to my room? And who the fuck are you people? Get out of my hou--” He looks at Kurt curiously. “Mr. Hummel? Why are there two of you?”
“Mr. Hummel? Mr. Hummel? Who are we to you?”
“Is this some kind of kinky twin shit, Mr. H? I mean, I'm into it, but--”
Blaine bites his bottom lip. “Oh no I'm hot.” He whispers, and hopes no one hears him over the chaos.
It takes another thirty minutes to get everyone to settle down again, and then another thirty minutes to explain what they know to the other Blaine, and also try to get everything organized and situated.
“So you're telling me,” Leather-wearing Blaine starts, “That in some alternative universe, my English teacher is actually my age, and we're dating.”
“Were dating,” Kurt corrects, brushing imaginary lint off of his clothes.
“We broke up,” the other Kurt says sadly. “But we want to get back together, I think. Or at least, I do.”
Blaine smiles at him softly. “I do too.”
“I—am indifferent.” Kurt lies through his teeth, and scoots over so that he's closer to Blaine than the other Kurt is.
“Fucking hell.” The other Blaine says, shaking his head. “So—what do we do now?”
“I don't know,” the Kurts say in unison, right as Blaine says “Have sex.”
The other Blaine grins, and offers Blaine his fist to bump. “I like the way you think, other me.”
Blaine blushes, but returns the fist-bump.
“We are not having sex,” Kurt shrieks, and absolutely does not stare at the other Blaine and think about how he can see his nipples through his thin white shirt. “We are not. That is like, morally irresponsible or something. We could break time.”
The other Kurt shrugs. “I mean, we're all technically the same people. Worst case scenario it's like complicated masturbation. With um,” he looks Blaine over like he's a piece of meat. “With friends, I guess.”
Blaine grins. “Just bros helping bros, right?”
The other Blaine cackles loudly while the other Kurt blushes brightly.
Kurt bites his lip and looks up at the ceiling. “You aren't allowed to be on their side. You're me.”
“We can cuddle, at least?” Blaine offers, pouting slightly. “It can be like a cuddle party. I can have two Kurts to cuddle with. I can be the big spoon and the little spoon!”
“Fuck yes,” the other Blaine laughs, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and pulling him towards the bed. “I love cuddling. Let's do this.”
Kurt laughs, but lets himself be carried onto the bed. It seems Blaine, no matter what universe he's in, is a bit of a cuddle-whore.
They don't mean to fall asleep, but, well, Blaine's right. It is nice being the big spoon and the little spoon at the same time.
ATTENTION ALL: the other arties and I have solved this crisis. Meet up in the auditorium in an hour. Bring all the other versions of yourself that you can find. THIS HAS BEEN A MASS TEXT.
Is the text they all wake up to at 9 am the next morning.
“That's convenient,” Kurt murmurers, lifting his head from where it's currently lying against the other Blaine's armpit. “We didn't even have to do anything.”
“Go Team Artie,” Blaine moans, holding a fist up to the air, which the other Blaine happily bumps.
“I don't even know who that is, but yeah, go Team Artie.”
The other Kurt yawns before curling up closer to Blaine.
Then he snaps up suddenly. “Oh my God! I didn't do my moisturizing routine!” He grabs on of Blaine's pillows and holds it to his face. “DON'T LOOK AT ME!”
His panic causes Kurt to panic. “Oh God why did you have to say that? I didn't even think about that!” He grabs another pillow and uses it to hide his face. “Oh God, I bet I'm all broke out everywhere. My skin is ruined.”
The two Blaines stares at them in silence for a long time.
“Why don't you just go home and do the moisturizing routine, then? We've got an hour.” Other Blaine suggests before yawning and lying back down on the bed.
“I love you,” the other Kurt blurts out. “Well, I love another version of you. But you're nice too.” He reaches over and squeezes Kurt's hand. “You drove over here, right?”
“I'm assuming you have clothes and moisturizer that I could use?”
Kurt gives him a look that says who do you think you're talking to, again? “Of course I do.”
“Then let's go.” He leans over, and kisses both Blaines on the cheek. “See you two in an hour, okay?”
Because his double just kissed them, Kurt feels the need to kiss them both on the cheek as well. “See you soon.”
Blaine holds his clothed wrist up. “Wear your bandana so I know you are you.”
“I will. You do the same.”
And then they go.
(The two Blaine do not have sex with each other the second the two Kurts leave: they're gentlemen-ish. They wait until they're sure they're out of the driveway at least, and then they have sex. But when you think about it, it's really just complicated masturbation, so there are no guilty feelings.)
(And maybe the two Kurts fool around a bit while trying to get dressed, too. It's not their fault no one told them their legs looked that good, come on.)
“I love this scarf,” Kurt Two teases, throwing it over his shoulder as they try and finish getting dressed. “I'm going to steal it. Why don't I have this scarf?”
“I want the brooch you were wearing yesterday.”
“It's a deal.” Kurt grins. “Where did you get it?”
“Oh,” The other Kurt laughs. “I spent a lot of time in thrift stores and online auctions after Blaine and I broke up. Couldn't sleep, so--” He unpins the brooch, and hands it to his double. “Here you go.”
“That's not fair,” Kurt laughs lightly, pinning the brooch to his shirt. “I did the same thing, and I ended up with a jazzercise dvd and a boyfriend body pillow. I think I got the wrong end of the deal.”
The other Kurt looks him over like he's judging him just a bit. “I think you did. I ended up with a vibrator and a collection of old Tom Jones records that I listened to on repeat until Santana destroyed them.”
“I made a girlfriend pillow for Santana. We bonded over it.”
The other Kurt gives him a fond smile. “You should forgive him, you know.”
Kurt ignores him and digs under his bed for his boots. “I already have.”
“No, I mean, you need to get back together with him,” Kurt Two explains, searching through Kurt's closet for shoes. “He loves you. He loves you so much. You should see the way he looks at you—it's like your the only person in the world, you know?”
Kurt slides a boot onto his foot, and does not look up. “He cheated on me.”
“Yeah? And I cheated on him, and I'm you. I know how he feels, and I know why he did it, and I know he's miserable without you.” The other Kurt sits down on the bed beside him. “And I know you, too. I know you still love him, too—it's written all over your face. So why--?”
“I don't know how!” Kurt exclaims suddenly, folding his hands nervously. “I love him so much, but it hurts. I want to be with him, but it still hurts.”
“But isn't it worth it? Isn't love worth the pain?”
Kurt wipes his eyes. “I don't know.”
The other Kurt hugs him tightly and lets him cry.
“This seems unsafe.”
The other Blaine lights up a cigarette. “What? No, this is my bike, man. This is Tonya. She's perfectly safe.”
Blaine giggles. “You named your motorcycle?”
“Yeah? And you named your penis, so shut the fuck up.” The other Blaine takes a long drag of his cigarette before tossing it on the ground and stepping on it. He straddles the bike, and then “Get on.”
“What? No. No. Absolutely not. I have a car. I can just take that!”
“Listen, preppy Blaine,” The other Blaine says firmly. “I don't know who lied to you and told you bowties are cool, but they're not, actually. And motorcycles? Those are cool.”
Blaine stiffens. “I'm still not riding on that death machine.”
“...Kurt'll find it hot.”
“...You don't know that.”
“The fuck I do. You saw him oogling me in my jacket? Show up on a motorcycle, and he's going to swoon.” He holds out the helmet to Blaine. “You know I'm right.”
Blaine hesitates for a few seconds before taking the bike helmet from him. “Shut up. I hate you.”
“No you don't. Just helping a brother get laid,” He starts up the bike. “You ready?”
Blaine slides on the bike behind him, and wraps his arms around his own stomach. “You know, Kurt—Mr. H? He likes the bowties.”
“It's true.” Blaine tells him. “He's also a sucker for a man in a well-fitted suit, so you might want to invest in one. And singing to him always leads to good things, trust me.”
“You serious?” The other Blaine laughs. “Fucking hell. Why are you telling me this?”
Blaine holds on to him tightly. “Just—helping a brother get laid, that's all.”
The other Blaine smiles a Cheshire grin. “You're the best. Like, seriously the best. Tell me everything, 'cause as soon as I get back to my world I'm going to be seducing the fuck out of him.”
Blaine smiles against his back. “I can help with that.”
The auditorium is insane and seems to be growing more packed by the minute. Screw three other Blaine's—he'll be lucky if there's only twelve others!
How are they going to find one another in this mess?
The other Kurt beside him pokes his head up. “Blaine? My Blaine?”
The Blaine in front of them doesn't look any different than Kurt's version—only he seems a bit sadder, and maybe more tired. “I think so? It's sort of hard to tell.”
Kurt Two eyes him hesitantly. “Why did we break up?”
“Because you cheated on me?”
“Blaine!” Kurt Two throws himself into his arms. “Oh thank God. I thought I would never see you again! Well, I mean, I've seen you of course, but not you-you, you know?” He laughs awkwardly. “Kurt! This is my Blaine.”
Kurt waves at him awkwardly. “Hello.”
The other Blaine (other-other Blaine?) waves back. “Hi.”
“I'm glad you're alright,” Other Kurt laughs lightly. “Did you know in his universe you cheat on me instead?”
Blaine's eyes get ridiculously big. “Wait—what?”
“ATTENTION EVERYONE!” A robotic version of Artie announces. “WE HAVE SOLVED THE MULTIVERSE CRISIS. PLEASE BE SEATED.”
It takes a few moments, but the auditorium filled with Others eventually settles down, and everyone gets quiet for a moment.
“Thank you, Iron Man.” Artie says as he wheels himself towards the microphone. “So, as you may have noticed, there are multiple versions of you out there!”
There's some murmuring of agreement in the crowd.
“Right! These are parallel universe versions of ourselves! I've actually experienced this one time before,” he laughs hesitantly, looking over on stage at the version of himself that appears to be a jock. “But I honestly thought I was dreaming, so...Anyway! Onto the good news! Iron Man version of me--”
“For the last time, my name is iBorg!”
“--And I, as well as a few dedicated others--” he gestures over to the stage, where a team full of Arties and a handful of other nerdy looking members of the New Directions stand. “Have figured out a way to send everyone home, exactly where they belong! So we're going to sort everyone first by persons, and then by universe. Will all Arties please come to the stage, please? To the left, now. Great! Now, can we get all Blaines on the right side of the stage? Yes even—wow you look dangerous—I mean—uhhh...Okay, can we get all of the Brittanys here center of the stage? ...Are you wearing a snake?”
It takes them a while to get organized, but eventually Kurt and Kurt Two find themselves standing in a small group of identical Kurts. There are at least three superhero versions of Kurt, including one dressed in a pale-gray cloak who calls himself the Ghost. Kurt wonders, briefly, what went wrong in his life to make him turn out like that.
“Okay, I think we are all properly grouped? Even the uh, opposite gendered versions? Okay, excellent! Now we're going to sort by universes, so please pay close attention! When we announce your universe, please come up to the stage and step through our magical mystical portal device, and you'll be returned to your home plane. Okay, good.” Artie flicks through some buttons on a machine, and a bright yellow portal opens. “Now, if you come from a universe that is populated extensively by zombies, please step through the portal. No, Puck, you aren't allowed to go to that universe just for fun.”
It takes even longer to get everyone situated, but eventually progress is made, and the auditorium slowly begins to thin out. Kurt even watches at Other Blaine—the leather jacket wearing one—get to leave, following apparently a teacher version of himself. He watches as Other Blaine smacks Mr. H on the ass as he goes, and cannot help but smile.
...In fact, most if not all of the universes Blaine's and Kurt's match up somehow. Little nerdy Blaine and pink-streaked Kurt walk into their own universe hand-in-hand, and werewolf Blaine and vampire Kurt embrace longingly before they walk into their own world.
We really are soulmates, aren't we? He thinks as he watches jock Kurt and cheerleader Blaine smile at one another fondly before escaping into their own world. We belong together, no matter what.
Grey-cloaked superhero Kurt holds hands with a green-clad superhero Blaine, and the girl versions of themselves giggle and hold one another as they jump through their portal, and it just makes him miss his own Blaine.
“He'll forgive you, you know.” He tells Kurt Two, causing his duplicate to jump slightly.
“You think so?”
“I know he will,” he says softly, patting himself on the shoulder right as Artie calls out for their universe (apparently, the one in which Finn and Rachel “actually got married last year, holy shit”).
Kurt Two smiles at him fondly. “Hey. Good luck out there, alright?”
He smiles back at him. “You too.”
Then he's gone, holding hands with his own Blaine as he goes.
He walks across the room and finds his own Blaine, and wraps his arms around his shoulders and kisses his cheek. “We're back together now. Officially, just so you know.”
Blaine blinks at him. “Really? Okay.” He laughs. “It's because I rode a motorcycle here to impress you, isn't it?”
“You rode a motorcycle? Here?” Kurt gasps. “I did not see that.”
“What? How could you have missed it? It was awesome.”
He smirks. “I bet you were hot.”
“So hot,” Blaine grins back at him. “if you ignore the fact that I screamed like a little girl the entire time.”
That's his Blaine, right there, the one he's meant for. No alternative universe required. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”