"God, you look so hot like this."
John squirmed as Rodney buckled the spreader bar into place and Rodney winced a little, sliding his fingers under the cuffs to make sure they weren't too tight. John did look hot, but then John looked hot all the time. And of course, Rodney was able to find some pride in the latticework of rope that bound John's body; if nothing else, it was a complicated job done well. Other than that....
"So hot," Rodney said, running a hand down John's back and over his ass. If only he could do this, touch John like this, without all the stuff and things. Annoyed, he smacked John's ass.
John grunted, a sort of "ungh" noise that sounded like maybe he wanted more, but Rodney still brushed his hand over the faint, pink mark on John's skin. Sorry, he mouthed silently, glad John couldn't see him.
"We're almost there," he said aloud, grabbing the lube. "There's no need to get impatient. We'll get to the good part soon enough, even for you." He rolled his eyes; he kind of sucked at dirty talk. Maybe he should...well, he didn't know, call John a slut or something?
"'kay" John muttered, sounding breathless and needy, and for a moment, Rodney really wanted to just grab his hips and fuck him. But no, they hadn't had time for anything for the last couple of days and he wanted to make it good for John. John needed this; Rodney had known that ever since M3X-068, when he'd learned what John liked, what John got off on.
Since then, he'd learned a lot of other things as well, but he still winced a little as he grabbed the plug, the big one that scared the hell out of him. John just let out a low sigh and pushed back and Rodney watched, with a certain degree of awe, as the plug slowly but steadily moved into him. It was actually cool in a kind of "wow, I'm doing that and he's just taking it" way and John's soft moan when the widest part stretched him was enough to make Rodney's dick perk up and take notice.
"I can't believe you can take that one," Rodney said. John shivered, and Rodney got harder. It helped, knowing that John was getting off on this, that John liked this.
"I've got hidden depths."
Rodney never knew if he should punish John for mouthing off or not. It was harder to hurt John than to tie him up, but he smacked John's ass anyway. Just in case.
"Oh please," he said. "Like you aren't an open book when I've got you tied up like this."
John wasn't, of course. In spite of all the reading Rodney had done--which was a lot; the amount of porn on the servers hadn't surprised him, but the number of "how-to" manuals had--Rodney still didn't get it. But he didn't have to, he supposed. He just need to be able to give John what he wanted. After all, it wasn't like Rodney himself didn't get what he wanted.
Looking at John, Rodney was pretty sure he'd done enough. After slipping out of his boxers, he moved to the head of the bed and settled in front of John who lifted his head and smiled. It was an oddly sweet smile for someone who was trussed up six ways from Sunday and had a plug the size of Rodney's fist in him. Then John looked at Rodney's dick and smiled a very different smile as he strained forward, all but writhing in his bonds to get at Rodney's cock.
Okay, that? That's fucking hot. Not the bondage; that was still kind of creepy. But the fact that John wanted him this much...Rodney laughed, just a little. "Now, now. Remember, you have to be patient to get what you want."
"I am being patient," John growled, and that was hot, too. Rodney couldn't help it though, as much as he wanted John's mouth on him right now, he had to check the ropes and cuffs...it just looked so uncomfortable, the way they seemed to pull and tug at John's body. John shivered and leaned forward again and finally Rodney couldn't resist any longer.
"Oh, all right," he said, moving into position. "If you insist."
This...Jesus, it was totally worth all of it, all the fuss and bother and the stupid spreader bars and giant butt plugs and, well, just everything. Rodney gasped and John's mouth closed around his dick. Carefully, he tilted his hips up and the effort was rewarded; John sucked harder. They were both moaning now and, God, but Rodney wanted this so much. He'd earned it, hadn't he? He'd done what John wanted and if giving John that was what it took, well, then everyone was happy, right?
It was easy enough to reach down and run his fingers through John's hair, easy to stroke his cheek where it was hollowed around Rodney's dick. He knew he should be doing more, tugging hard or maybe slapping John. Maybe he should be talking dirty to him, but at least he had an excuse not to do that--he was panting and breathless already.
John pulled back a little, his tongue flicking over that one spot that drove Rodney insane and Rodney couldn't help it, his hips jerked up. John sucked and groaned and Rodney did it again. And then again, feeling unbalanced because it was so damn good he couldn't even keep to any kind of rhythm.
Rodney felt it then, felt John's throat going tight around the head of his cock, and for a split second, it was the single hottest thing that had ever happened to Rodney or his dick. And then it happened again and Rodney's heart thudded a panicky beat in his chest as he realized just what was going on.
"Oh God," he said, his voice shaky as he sat back, pulling out of John's mouth as his cock went limp in record time. "Ohgodohgod, are you okay? I didn't...I never...I swear I wasn't trying to...."
John...oh fuck, John was gasping and crying, and for a moment Rodney just stared at him. "Why'd you...stop?" John choked out, his voice harsh. Knowing why John sounded so bad made Rodney feel sick to his stomach.
And then he looked a little closer; John looked fucking wrecked. Even though he was coughing, his lips were slick and red, there was sweat beading at his temples, and he looked just a little confused as he leaned toward Rodney, his mouth still open. Like he still wants it. Like someone interrupted just when it was getting good.
"God, Rodney, why'd you...."
"I'm sorry," Rodney said, admitting defeat. "I just...John, I just can't do this anymore."
"I can't." Moving quickly, Rodney undid the cuffs, unhooked the spreader bar and loosened the ropes binding John. John stayed pliant through it all, letting Rodney move him onto his side at one point. But when Rodney slid his hand down John's ass, his fingers gentle as he tried to remove the plug, John moaned and bucked enough for Rodney to see that he was still hard, the head of his cock slick against his belly.
"Jesus," Rodney said, dropping the plug on the floor. "You liked that? I was fucking choking you!"
It was like flipping a switch. John's eyes cleared right away and he sat up. "Well, excuse me for," he began, and then he paused and really looked at Rodney a long moment. "I need a glass of water." He got up and headed toward the bathroom, pausing only to pick up the plug and untangle his boxers from his pants.
His heart in his stomach, Rodney cleaned the bed off, putting the rest of the toys away in the bottom drawer of his dresser. He'd amassed quite the collection, he thought, staring at the contents of the drawer. Maybe....
Maybe what? Maybe John will want to take them and find someone else, someone who likes doing that to him? Maybe I'll find a way to apologize and we'll get through this, but I'll still have to tie him up just to have sex with him? Maybe....
Rodney started, feeling weirdly guilty, and turned around to look at John. He was sitting on the bed in his boxers, looking at Rodney and, oh God, it was worse than earlier, when John had just been annoyed. Now, he looked weird, almost blank, and Rodney swallowed hard.
"Yeah?" he finally said.
"You don't...it's all been a lie, hasn't it?" John's voice was still raw and Rodney winced even as he shook his head.
"No," he said. "I...not all of it."
"Right. Just the part where, what, you pretended to be kinky so you could fuck me?"
And, wow, put like that, it sounded really fucking sleazy. "It...it wasn't like that." Rodney stood up, grabbing his boxers off the floor and putting them on. "I'm not a total fucking user," he added, his chin going up. "I wanted to make you happy."
"By having non-consensual sex with me?" John snorted. "Overjoyed here."
"Non...what? I thought you liked being tied up!" Rodney hated being confused, hated the feeling that the conversation had taken a sudden turn in a direction he couldn't follow. "I always asked if it was okay. You had a safeword."
John buried his face in his hands. "Yeah? So did you."
"Me? We didn't...I thought I was the top?"
"Some top," John muttered and then he looked up quickly. "No, forget I said that. I'm...."
"No, go right ahead," Rodney said, almost alarmed at his sudden rush of anger. "Go ahead and tell me how much I suck at abusing you! Because I really need to hear that right now!"
"Abuse? Rodney, it's not...."
"Well it sure as hell felt like it!"
"Then why the fuck did you do it?!" John yelled as he lurched to his feet. Rodney took a step back, his eyes wide.
"Jesus." John's shoulders slumped, and it was like all the anger drained out of him again. "I'm not going to hit you."
"I almost wish you would."
"Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?"
Rodney practically slid down the dresser until he was sitting on the floor. He had to resist the urge to put his knees up and wrap his arms around them. Instead, he forced himself to look at John. "I'm sorry. I...I thought I was making you happy. I thought that...." He looked down at his hands. "I tried to give you what you wanted, what you liked, so I guess you're right. I was...." God, he had to shut up now, he was just digging a deeper hole the way he always did when relationships crashed and burned. "It felt like you needed me and I took advantage because I wanted you to...."
"Jesus," John muttered again. "Rodney...."
But Rodney, as much as he wanted to, still couldn't stop. "I thought that maybe I'd get used to it, because you liked it so there had to be something there, you know? And I know it was the stuff and not...."
And okay, he refused to be quite that pathetic, so he finally grit his teeth and pushed the words back into his throat, where they sat in a big uncomfortable lump.
There was a long moment of silence during which Rodney continued to look at the floor.
"Do you...." John paused to clear his throat. "Did you like any of it?"
Rodney's head jerked up at the shift to past tense, but John was staring at the floor. "Um...the actual sex part."
"You really don't have a clue do you? It's all sex. It's sex the minute we start; it's sex when you tie me up...." John took a deep breath. "But it wasn't for you, was it?"
"Um...I like...liked, the way you sounded when you were really in to it. I...I dunno...sometimes it was like a complicated engineering problem. You know, getting it right." Rodney spread his hands. "But I guess...no, I know. I wasn't getting it right."
"I dunno," John said after another long silence. "I should have known. I mean you said you didn't have a lot of experience, and I...I shouldn't...."
"Stop that," Rodney said sharply. Taking a deep breath, he got up and walked over to the bed. "Can I?"
John nodded and Rodney sat down. "Don't let me...this is my fault. I pretended to be into something that I wasn't so I could have sex with you. I really don't like what that says about me, but please...God, please, John. Don't take responsibility for my fuck up."
To Rodney's surprise, John nodded and something in his whole bearing changed, just a little. It wasn't much, but Rodney felt a tiny bit better. "I," he began and then he stopped. "Can I ask you something?"
"I guess," John said.
"Can you explain it to me?" John turned and stared at him and Rodney held up a hand. "I mean, I read about power exchange and all these things but...I don't know what you get out of it."
"Because I'm so good at communicating."
"Yeah, well...pot meet kettle." Rodney sighed. Maybe, just maybe, they should have done this back when this started.
"You know all those stereotypes? About rich American WASPs?"
"Meet the Sheppards. Only we were Catholic so you can add guilt to the whole never ever talking about how you feel thing. Now try growing up queer in the middle of all that."
"God, that was pretty much the one thing no one in my family gave me shit about." Rodney sighed. "Sorry...I'll let you talk."
"S'okay." John took a deep breath. "You got any beer?"
Rodney did and it didn't matter that he'd been saving the six pack of Driftwood Ale for a special occasion. "Here," he said, coming back to the bed with a couple of bottles and his bottle opener.
"Thanks." John took a long gulp and then tipped the beer to look at the label. "From Jeannie?"
"Yeah. Kaleb's a beer snob."
They drank in silence for a while.
"So of course, I joined the military, which isn't the easiest place to be queer or different."
"For the flying."
"Well, kind of." Rodney gave John a sharp look and John shrugged. "I always say that, but really? I didn't want to run the company and Dad couldn't say no to me wanting to serve my country. Well, he tried, but...." John shrugged.
"Anyway, I like it, like being tied up, because it's one of the few times I'm not responsible. I can just let go and...God this always sounds so stupid, but...." John polished off his beer. "I can just be me."
While Rodney wasn't the best when it came to interpersonal relationships and understanding the nuances thereof, he also wasn't exactly stupid. "Oh God," he said, putting his beer down because he was getting that nauseous feeling again.
"John, I'm so so sorry. I didn't know...."
"Yeah," John said. He stood up, heading for Rodney's minifridge and another beer. "It's not quite the same thing as going out for Chinese even if you don't like it because your girlfriend loves it."
"No, it's not." Rodney shifted a little uncomfortably. "I wish I hadn't used the word abuse."
"Is that what it felt like?"
"Well...when I realized you were choking and couldn't breathe? Yeah. I'm sorry, but...." He paused. "Should I try to explain or should I just shut up now?"
The look John gave him was hard to read. "Go ahead," he finally said.
"It always looked really uncomfortable when I had you tied up, but it wasn't...I never felt like it was actively painful. You probably noticed that I didn't hit you much." John nodded and Rodney sighed because now he was on the spot and had to say it. "I can't do it. In my head, it's wrong to hurt someone you care about. And, God, I know about endorphins and all that and I hate that I can't make what I know intellectually match up with what I feel. And I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't. Here I am...."
And even though he'd totally left it out there for John, he was still a little surprised when John nodded and said, "Brain the size of a planet."
John finished his beer in silence and then leaned back until he was lying across the bed, an arm across his eyes, his feet still planted in the floor. "So, this is fucked."
"It doesn't have to be," Rodney said. "We can.... Look, I'm an asshole, but I can be professional." And okay, this part was really hard. "We can change the roster...."
"Do you think I'm sick?" John asked, interrupting him. "That what I want is wrong?"
"No!" Rodney shouted. "I'm the one with the problem," he added, quieter but no less sincere. "I know I said I thought it was wrong, but it's nothing to do with what you want. I was talking about my reactions."
"Yeah?" John's arm moved and now he looked up at Rodney.
Rodney nodded. "Really."
"What do you like?" John finally asked. "I mean, with a guy? What do you do?"
Although he knew saying "the usual stuff" would be the wrong thing, Rodney really had to bite the words back.
"Oral sex," he said. "Fucking, frottage and, hand jobs, of course. But I seriously like giving head. If I can go down on someone and finger them while I'm doing it, I'll settle in and do it for hours."
It sounded, he realized, horribly vanilla.
"That...anything that takes time like that," John said quietly. "Someone doing it to me, I mean. Feels weird."
"Unless you're tied down."
"Is it because it's gay? Or because you think you're supposed to be the one on top?"
"Not exactly." John frowned a little and when he spoke again, his words came slowly. "More that...someone will see me like that. See...."
He wanted to give John the chance to explain, but when it became clear that John had gone silent again, Rodney couldn't help jumping in. "See you being you?"
John's arm moved back over his face. "Right. See me come apart," he said, his words muffled.
"Huh," Rodney said. Even though he knew were this was going, it was surprisingly hard to speak. "So if, for example, I just cuffed your wrists to the sculpture thingy, would that be enough?"
"Maybe. Would it turn you off?"
"I don't know. I don't think so?" Rodney looked down at John and thought about pulling his arm off his face and cuffing his wrists together. It didn't make him instantly horny, but it wasn't totally off-putting, now that he kind of knew why John wanted it. And if he could suck John's dick, if he could play with his ass while John squirmed and gave it up under him? That might be a lot of fun.
"Maybe you could tell me what would work? What would be enough?"
"Yeah, see now we're getting into 'why John's a crappy bottom' territory."
John actually went up on his elbows and stared at Rodney in surprise.
"I'm sorry," Rodney continued. "But you're amazing. I mean, whatever I did, you just took it. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"
"Oh sure." John snorted. "Except the part where I'm not supposed to expect my top to read my mind."
"Wait, did you? With me?"
"Some yeah. I just hoped you'd...figure me out, or something."
"I'm sorry," Rodney began.
"No," John said, shaking his head, his eyebrows bunched up. "Don't. We both fell down on the job when it came to talking this through."
"Go figure." That got a slight smile, which was enough to give Rodney a little bit of courage. "Look, we both know that I suck at talking about this kind of thing almost as much as you do, but...well, I'm willing to give it a shot if you are."
"I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with."
"I won't. I promise you that," he paused and then added, "no lies, John."
John reached out gripped Rodney's bicep, tugging just a little as he sank back on the bed. Rodney went with it until he was leaning over John. "Okay," John said, his hand sliding up until it was cupping the back of Rodney's neck.
"Okay," he said again, just before their lips met.
Honesty. Yeah, Rodney could work with that.