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Brad Colbert's Large Homosexual Conversation

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Brad should be used to Ray by now, shouldn't be fazed by anything he does, but when he gets an email that is talking marriage and bachelor parties and Walt wearing a ring, well, Brad has to use the phone time generally allotted Nate to make sure Ray hasn't cracked any more than usual.

"Brad, my man, my best man to be," Ray answers.

"You're joking, right?" Brad asks, with no hope.

"Not even a little, dude," Ray says.

Brad rubs his face. "You proposed," he says.

"Yup," Ray says.

"And Hasser said yes," Brad says. And honestly, he likes Walt, he likes Walt a lot, but that kid must have been dropped on his head or something. Probably by Ray.

"He totally did," Ray says.

"Why?" Brad asks.

"I am persuasive," Ray says, which probably means that he annoyed the shit out of Walt until Walt said yes or something. That's Ray's method of persuasion with Brad. "I sucked his brains out of his dick," Ray adds proudly.

"Do you ever get tired of giving me too much information?" Brad asks. It's a stupid question, but some day he hopes the answer will be yes.

"Nah," Ray says. "But I mean, I didn't that time. That time I got down on one knee all suave and shit and charmed his pants right off."

Brad isn't going to ask if Ray means that literally, because he doesn't want to know. "So you're getting married," he says. "Uh, since when did Missouri start letting you guys be faggy legally?"

"Oh, they don't," Ray says. "Which is why we're coming to you, buddy. Nate's gonna make us up a guest bed and everything. He only complained a little."

Brad knocks his head back against the wall a few times until he feels like he's lost enough brain cells to participate in Ray's stupidity. "You're coming to us," he says.

"Yep yep," Ray says. "I called Boston's city hall and everything. I am so prepared I can't even stand it. I reconned the shit out of this gay marriage stuff."

And the weird thing is that the whole time, Brad wasn't even sure he half believed Ray, but suddenly there is this thought that someone is actually agreeing to marry this retard. And it's mostly horrifying, but kind of nice at the same time.

"Don't fuck this up, Person," Brad says.

"Okay, dude?" Ray says. "I know you think I'm retarded, okay, and I know you think Walt's out of my league, and for the record, I totally agree, but if you think I am going to do anything to help him figure that out so he can move on and find someone who deserves him, I think I'm offended."

Brad doesn't think he's ever, ever heard Ray sound that close to serious. "Point taken," Brad says. "And um, Ray?"

"I know," Rays says. "This conversation has compromised the state of your testicles, message received. So this is where I tell you you're taking me to a strip club for the bachelor party."

Brad grins into the receiver.

And uh, hey, while we're being gay ass pussies, want me to check in on Nathaniel, make sure he doesn't pine too much?" Ray asks.

"Don't drive him crazy," Brad says.

"I wouldn't," Ray says. Brad doesn't say anything. "Walt wouldn't let me," Ray mutters. "It's like they're fucking gay best buddies or something."

Brad chooses not to point out that's kind of exactly what he and Ray are, because he's already afraid his testicles are, like, fucking evaporating."I'll see you when I get back, I guess," Brad says.

"Buy a tux!" Ray says cheerfully. "And start gathering your dollar bills!"

"For the record, I hate you," Brad says.

"I know, buddy," Ray says. "You too."