First World: 2311 Los Robles
“Plock,” said the Dodo, tucking another Green Lantern t-shirt into the nest it had constructed under the window. Penny wondered how furious Sheldon would be when he found out that they let a bird into his room.
Penny put down the copy of Alice in Wonderland and picked up an Audobon collection. “Are you sure it’s actually a real bird? It looks kind of like a dodo, but I don’t think it matches anything in here, Leonard,” she said, resting her head against his shoulder. “Should we check the internet again? I mean, how did it even get in here? It can’t fly or climb the stairs.”
“Plock,” said the Dodo.
“Ow,” said Leonard. He had twisted his shoulder when he roped Wil Wheaton and tied two of his ankles and wrist together. Stewart had thought it was funny until Leonard did the same thing to him, leaving him behind the cash register at the comic book store. That should teach them a lesson about stringing bras up outside the window. Penny was an excellent teacher.
“Are you all right?” she asked. “My junior rodeo warrior?”
“Rope burn,” said Leonard, rubbing at his palms. He wished he had Penny’s man hands.
Penny kissed him and crawled into his lap. “My hero. Let’s make out in the Spot.”
“Mmm,” said Leonard happily, pulling off his glasses. “Would you close the laptop? Mage Farrah Fowler and Bernadette the Barbarian are holding Mittens hostage in Howard’s Age of Conan account.”
Penny bent over, revealing a bodacious bosom. “Who’s the tall guy with them?”
Leonard squinted at the screen. “That’s Glen, Sheldor the Conqueror’s Battle Ostrich.”
Penny closed the laptop and pulled off her top, revealing a pink polka-dotted bra. Leonard flushed. “There’s my girl,” he said, knocking some corn chips on the floor.
“Plock,” said the dodo, scuttling over to munch them down.
Second World: An Old Watch Factory
Raj sat on his empty bed, befuddled and drunk. What had happened to the pretty girl? He carefully retraced all the steps, picked up each piece of her muslin clothing and sniffed at the cake she had left behind. Clearly she had been real. Then he remembered. They had been in bed and a weird old woman in a decaying wedding dress had popped up on the laptop. Raj had screamed and fainted.
Not terribly manly.
Probably the pretty girl was disgusted by him and fled the apartment to find someone manlier. Like Leonard. Who really was not all that manly.
But why did she leave her clothes behind?
Raj wandered out into the kitchen for more alcohol and found a letter.
My very dear Rajesh;
No words can thank you adequately for my introduction to the mysteries of sexual intercourse (and chocolate lava cake with chantilly cream). My gratitude is immense, and will, I assure you, be of long duration. Your attentions were truly delightful (and so was the cake), and showed me that love is neither a fancy nor a feeling, but something else entirely.
You are a fine man and a delicious paramour. I genuinely hope that our paths will cross again. Thoughts of your beautiful brown body will sustain me until that happy day.
Your faithful friend
Raj read this missive twice and then a grin spread across his face. “Honky donky,” he said, draining his glass and collapsing in a drunken heap over the back of his couch. He never noticed that the pants suit his sister Priya had left behind was missing.
Third World: The Home of Thursday Next
Only her ingrained refinement kept Marianne Dashwood from turning her nose up at the battenburg proffered by Mrs. Next, Thursday’s mother. She enjoyed the feeing of the trousers she had borrowed from the lovely Raj, and the t-shirt she had found in the back of the closet. It had a name tag that read “Leonard,” but hopefully Rajesh would not mind.
The Danish Prince stopped chewing and addressed her, spraying crumbs about the room. “Art thou eating yon battenburg?” He would have been almost handsome, if he had been darker of hair, eye and skin and dressed in mismatched argyle. Marianne Dashwood sighed dreamily and pushed the plate to Hamlet. She could not believe she thought she had been in love with Willoughby.
“No, please, help yourself, your highness.”
“Thank you, good lady.”
Marianne smiled politely and sipped at her tea. The smile broadened and grew quite incandescent when Mrs. Next pulled open a purple package of fancy biscuits. “Jammy Dodgers? You children always seem to enjoy those.”
“Thank you very much, ma’am,” said Marianne with sparkling eyes, allowing the ‘children’ comment to pass by.
Hamlet turned up his nose at the biscuits. “Yon Doc finds charms to soothe the savage breast in thy roundy jam-filled tarts. Hast thou seen the TARDIS, his ship? Larger inside than out, forsooth.”
Marianne considered this statement. “Are you referring to the small blue building outside? I believe the taller gentleman indicated that he is a doctor.”
“Cooper, Dr. Sheldon Cooper,” the taller gentleman was explaining to Miss Havisham in the next room. “We were trying to visit Flatland. The gals there are all hot for circles.”
Miss Havisham drew herself up sternly and explained that such language was not acceptable in a civilized household.
Thursday Next crawled out from behind a credenza. “Please don’t fuss him about language. He’s from the twenty-first century.”
“Forsooth,” said Hamlet.
Thursday looked at him sharply. “Are you certain this is the Hamlet who has been visiting?” The Hamlet winked.
“Is love a fancy or a feeling?” asked Marianne. “Or a physicist?”
Fourth World: Sheldonopolis (Sim City)
HOWARD!!! The Godzilla-like monster had been terrorizing the city, if a city full of Sims happily munching briskets and roasted carrots could be said to be terrorized. Sheldon was certainly upset that one of the giant briskets had destroyed a monument to his first science fair prize. No one else seemed to mind the Godzilla-like monster.
Except Howard. He cringed and crawled into the rack of cardigans in the back of Shel-mart. If he waited long enough, the Godzilla-like monster would fall asleep and then he could sneak off and find the TARDIS again. If it was still there.
The Godzilla-like Mrs. Wolowitz, however, was not to be fooled. “I KNOW YOU’RE HIDING IN THERE. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME BEFORE THAT INSECT-LOOKING BOY COMES BACK WITH THE BLUE PHONE BOOTH.”
“It’s a TARDIS, Ma!” Howard slapped his hand over his mouth. The woman, or Godzilla-like monster, made him crazy, absolutely crazy. Maybe he could leave her here and she could make briskets for the Sims. They certainly seemed to like them. In fact, they had been considering renaming he city ‘Brisketville.’
“YOU KIDS THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING? THEN TELL ME WHY WHEN I ATE A CRACKER THAT SAID ‘EAT ME’ I TURNED INTO A MONSTER?”
Howard looked out the window of Shel-Mart just as a giant purple caterpillar settled onto a nearby rooftop with a hookah. A few large playing cards had started walking around singing about roses.
Things had gotten very weird in Sheldonopolis.
Fifth World: 2311 Los Robles
Leonard tried not to groan as Raj wept onto Penny’s shoulder. “She was so beautiful and sexy,” he moaned into the fuzzy pink robe.
“There, there, Raj,” said Penny. “She left you this nice note.”
The dodo picked up the nearly empty bag of corn chips and started to eat it. “Plock!”
Raj looked dolefully at his friends. “But why would she leave me so suddenly?”
“Aw, sweetie,” Penny paused. “Raj, I’m pretty sure she didn’t want to go.”
Leonard sat up suddenly. “What do you mean?”
“Remember when that weird guy with the bow tie came and took Howard in his blue phone booth?”
“That’s the Doctor,” said Leonard. “We had that Dr. Who marathon?”
Penny patted Raj’s shoulder. “No, Sheldon refused to invite me. Anyway, what if that old lady you saw on the laptop was her mother and brought her back home?”
Raj paused. “Perhaps I should check my browser history for the IP address.”
Leonard hopped up, pulling his robe closed over his boxer shorts. “Do you want me to call you a cab? Or can you drive?”
“What exactly were you kids up to?” asked Raj, taking in the robes and slippers. “Oh no. Did I interrupt naked yum-yum time?”
“Naked yum-yum time?” asked Penny.
Leonard dialed a cab. “I’ll come pick you up tomorrow, Raj. Maybe your pretty girl will come back to your apartment.”
Raj hopped up. “I’d better drive. It will be quicker.”