The Public Library is awful. Never ever go there.
Welcome to Night Vale.
Good evening, listeners. Our top story: the Public Library—just how much worse could it get? The answer is more horrible than even the most jaded Night Vale resident could possibly conceive.
John Peters, you know, the farmer, doesn't know about the Night Vale Public Library. He has never seen or heard of it, and one study shows he is the happiest person in our fair city because of that fact.
I must tell you, dear listeners, a nightmarish creature has recently descended upon Night Vale. Local five-headed-dragon-slash-criminal, Hiram McDaniels, has gone on the record as saying that this being is, quote: “Like totally the scariest thing I have ever seen.”
The hooded figures who frequent the dog park appear to be in agreement, as they have been seen fleeing before this visitor.
Her name is Tammy Swanson. She is a library administrator who allegedly transferred here from Pawnee, Indiana. But I must tell you, listeners, I'm pretty sure that's not a real thing that really happens. There was no apparent connection between the Pawnee and Night Vale Public Libraries until Ms. Swanson materialized here early Tuesday morning.
Some town residents have speculated that Ms. Swanson is a succubus, and still others claim that she smells strongly of sulfur. I don't know for certain what species she is (or if she is indeed possessed by some sort of demon.) What we do know for a fact is that during her brief tenure as our library administrator, the mortality rate among library patrons has risen 800%.
More on this story as it unfolds.
And now, the weather.
An update on our story about Night Vale newcomer, Tammy Swanson: the Sheriff and his Secret Police have raided the Night Vale Public Library after investigating the most recent spate of mysterious deaths on the premises. Apparently offended at the suggestion of any wrongdoing, Ms. Swanson reportedly shouted lascivious obscenities at the sheriff before attempting to insert her tongue into the sheriff's mouth.
The secret police might have stood there frozen in horror all day had it not been for two other Pawnee residents bursting in and physically restraining Ms. Swanson.
Pawnee City Council Member Leslie Knope and Parks and Recreation Director Ron Swanson were drawn to our fair city by a sixth sense of Mr. Swanson's. When asked to comment, Mr. Swanson expressed regret about this week's bloodshed, but said, quote “At least the only fatalities were library visitors.”
Ms. Knope could be heard screaming “Punk-ass book jockeys” while she gleefully poured gasoline in and around the Library and finally threw a lit Molotov cocktail through the window.
But, the Night Vale Public Library, of course, cannot burn. The flames were immediately extinguished by an Unseen Force, and the Library relocated itself to the other end of town in order to tend to its wounds.
It will return, citizens of Night Vale. Be on the lookout for literary omens and more than the usual amount of portents of doom in the coming weeks. Try to be safe and avoid reading books wherever possible.
Our three Pawneean visitors will be making a hasty retreat to their little corner of Indiana, the Secret Police thinking it best to leave Ms. Swanson in the custody of her ex-husband. This announcer, for one, will be sad to see them go. I thought they fit in quite well. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure Councilwoman Knope is a nephilim. And how about that Ron Swanson's mustache? It almost makes me wonder what Carlos would look like with a mustache... But a quick poll I just conducted here at the station determined that 100% of people like Carlos's face too much to want any part of it unnecessarily obscured. As the only person who responded to the poll, I tend to agree with myself on that issue.
May you all have fond dreams of Carlos's face.
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.