Heels and thongs.
She felt… Nervous. There was no other way to describe the jittery sensation in the pit of her stomach. Or maybe there was but she simply didn`t care to look any deeper. The nerves were already bad enough.
It was unlike the investigator to feel nervous.
Hell, it was unlike her to feel anything.
Alicia Florrick sure had changed that, entering her life.
Months had passed since what she now in her head called `The Incident`. She didn`t know what she referred to exactly, what had happened in the first place, that Alicia had found out, or the way in which she found out. But again she tried very hard not to think about that. She tried very hard not to think about anything.
The trouble was that, when she stopped to think, the feelings entered. The feelings that had washed over her the moment Alicia had spoken those words to her in her office. The feelings that had overwhelmed her when she had, shaking, tried to collect her things to obey the other woman, who so adamantly had asked her to leave. The feelings that had made her realize how much she had changed. How much Alicia had changed her. And why…
Sometimes it felt like they were doing better. Like they were awkwardly trying to get closer to each other again. Sometimes she even felt like Alicia wanted that too, as much as she did. But then she observed, at times, from the corner of her eye, how Alicia followed her every move. As if thinking, plotting… Something.
That would be very unlike the brunette. But, who knew? Things seemed to be changing every day. SHE seemed to be changing every day. Since Peter didn`t live in the apartment anymore, the counselor seemed more… Free… She dressed differently, acted differently, and Kalinda even knew, for a fact, she had been sleeping with Will. That fact had stung, but not as much as she thought it would. She wanted Alicia to be happy and knew she would never be able to give her that. She had always settled for a friendship, had known it would never get any further than that. But now, without it, she felt lonelier than she had ever in her life.
She had always been alone. But never lonely.
Now, tonight, as Alicia had called her to bring over a file, her voice had sounded… Strange. She had recognized the slight slur the lawyer always sported after 3 shots and the angry staccato in which Alicia seemed to talk to her lately. Except when…
*Earlier that week, bathroom, Lockhart/Gardner
' I can't seem to get rid of you, can I now?`
Alicia`s voice sounded tired and wary, but had lost it`s biting sting as she watched Kalinda through the mirror. Her eyes were surrounded by dark circle`s Kalinda knew certain were from tiredness, but which she feared also were the result of tears.
The press-conference where she had announced her upcoming divorce must have taken it`s toll. Kalinda knew many reporters tried to get a quote from her or the kids.
She knew because she had tried to keep them away.
She knew because when the nice way hadn`t worked, she had threatened a great deal of the so called ' journalists' .
It was good she was in this business for so long already, she had dirt on everyone, even good-for-nothing press mosquitos. She knew however it would be a matter of time before someone, anyone, would let slip that Alicia was seeing Will.
She knew… But did Alicia?
When she had seen Alicia talking with her boss, the glass wall`s no challenge for her trained and observing eyes, she had thought Alicia did. But maybe it had been Will, telling them to calm down? She was not sure, but she had seen the tears slide down Alicia`s cheeks and her high-heeled boots had simply followed the lawyer to the bathroom.
`I guess not.`
Handing Alicia a paper towel, she could only hope the attorney would not see how her hands were shaking. Desperate for something to occupy the trembling body parts she began to wash them, thoroughly and carefully, avoiding eye contact even through the mirror.
`I heard about you and Peter, I`m sorry`
The snort, that was typically Alicia, sounded off, and Kalinda glanced at the other woman quickly, surprised to see her laugh and cry at the same time.
`Sorry, You`re sorry? Of course you are.`
Strange enough the words had not sound harsh, or dismissive. They simply sounded like a statement. Like Alicia knew that she would feel that way and somehow felt sad about that. Trying to hide her confusion, Kalinda focused once again on her hands, who were now definitely clean. What was she trying to do, wash away her sins? Well, she wished herself good luck on that one.
`I`m sorry, I am. But…`
The words came out hesitating and Kalinda hated that. She hated how Alicia could throw her so off-balance, could make, force her out of her comfort zone with so much ease. She wanted to explain, but she had trouble finding the words.
`There are a million things I`ve done, that I am sorry for, Alicia. I can`t change them. Not anymore. I wish that I could, believe me, I wish. But I can`t. What I can do, is tell you this. I`m sorry for the pain I caused you. I`m sorry for the pain he has caused you. What I am not sorry for is that now, you have a chance to be happy. To be happy with someone who you deserve and who deserves you. Just take the jump, Alicia. Let the gossip be the gossip. Own it. But please. Be happy.`
It had stayed silent for a very long time after that and while Kalinda, her eyes still averted, was drying her hands, she had almost been positive Alicia had left.
The unexpected, softly spoken, words hit Kalinda like a lightning bolt. She had forgotten what it felt like to have Alicia`s word`s caress her like touches. The velvety voice causing goosebumps and a swirling sensation in her stomach. She knew she was doing the right thing. Pushing Alicia to be with Will. He was a good man, he would take care of her. He would love her. He did already, so profoundly, almost as profoundly as… No… She had not allowed herself to finish that thought. Then why, if this was what she wanted, did it hurt so much to be right?
`I want to be happy`
Alicia had muttered the words, as a chant, while she moved past the investigator, and Kalinda had thought that was the end of the interaction. But as she looked up she had caught the eyes of the other woman, who stood in the doorway. Ready to leave. She had spoken the words that had given her hope. Stupid, flittery hope that she knew would be shattered in a heartbeat but that nonetheless she couldn`t help but cherish.
`Kalinda? Do you want to go for drinks sometime?`
She had stood there, her eyes caught by those amazing green-brownish ones and had found herself at loss for words. She had nodded and Alicia had smiled. A smile that reminded her of the old Alicia, the one before everything had happened. It had been just that flash of a smile that had had Kalinda staring at that bathroom mirror for many minutes after Alicia had left, asking herself what the hell she was doing.
But tonight, there had been something else in Alicia`s voice. Something urgent Kalinda recognized but couldn't put into words. Or maybe she didn`t try hard enough.
The jittery feeling spread through her body as she rode the elevator up to Alicia`s floor. It took her a while to catch her breath after the doors had opened and she was glad that there was no one there to witness her weakness. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry, thinking again about Alicia`s hoarse voice on the phone, demanding the file.
The investigator sighed, knowing there was no reason to procrastinate any longer. In and out, she would just drop of the papers and that was that.
Kalinda heard the hesitant clicking of her own heels as she approached the wooden door, not certain what to expect behind it.
Alicia was tipsy, but not as drunk as she would have liked to be. She looked at herself in the full-length mirror and smiled. Although years were certainly taking his toll, it was not bad, not bad at all. It would do. It would have to do.
For months now she was making herself crazy. Following Kalinda with her eyes, contemplating whether to slap or kiss her. She just couldn`t make sense of her feelings. She had started to, slowly, surprisingly when talking to Owen, what seemed like forever ago. It was before… Before Wiley… Before everything had crumbled. He had teased her about Will, and it had not bothered her one bit, but a lot had started to make sense when something else had happened.
*6 months ago, Alicia`s Bedroom*
`Will and Alicia, sitting in a tree, K.. I.. S.. S…`
The pillow that promply hit Owen in the face, made him, quasi-offended, stop his teasing chant. But he looked at his sister with sparkles in his eyes. He adored her and she knew he did. Even if he pushed her to do something wild every now and then, she also knew him well enough to know that he would not be teasing her like this if Peter or the kids would have been home. He respected her choice to stay with Peter, he just didn`t agree with it.
The ringing phone was a welcome distraction and Alicia, glancing at the caller`s id, quickly picked up. She panted, as if she had just ran. Maybe the exercise of the pillowfight had done her in? She saw Owen eye her curiously as she answered and felt a blush creep up her cheeks. Facing away from him, she finally spoke
`Hey you, I`ve been trying to catch a hold of you all day`
The answering voice sounded cool and practical as she was used to, but never cold.
'Yeah, I know, I`m sorry. I… I couldn`t pick up. What`s up?`
As they chatted about the information Alicia needed, she momentarily forgot Owen was even in the room. The company of the other person, even if only by phone, always made her feel at ease. After hanging up, however, her brother, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during her call, had laid his hand on her forearm. His eyes serious, more serious than she had ever seen them, he spoke to her the words that had showed Alicia her true feelings about the person she had just been talking to.
`You don`t have to tell me who that was, Alicia, it`s fairly obvious. I was just kidding around before, but, honey… This it… I`ve never seen you like this before.`
She had known what he would say before he had spoken the words.
`You`re in love.`
She had glanced at the phone and knew… No… felt, that what he said was true.
After her conversation with Owen she had found herself staring at the phone, and later at the object of her affection, more and more. She had finally had a word for the feelings that had been haunting her for so long, and she was surprised how blind she had been.
But then… THAT… had happened.
And all her world had crumbled.
Something she was now going to make right.
The doorbell rang at the moment she adjusted the black fragile thong and closed the silk robe over it, making her way towards the sound. Towards the person who would help her… Make it all right…
She had been staring at the fichus, at the floor and at the file, waiting for the door to be opened. But when it did, Kalinda could not avoid her eyes to fall on those amazingly long slender legs. The black heels that adorned Alicia`s feet were very different than ones she would ever wear herself, what made them even more appealing. The investigator felt her mouth turn dry at the sight of the small black belts holding the items in their place.
Suddenly realizing she was staring, she made her eyes fly up, but all THAT accomplished was a glimpse of silky, creamy thighs and then, higher up, the hint of cleavage.
Kalinda swallowed hard, trying very hard to hold composure. She smelt Alicia, the alluring scent of her perfume mixed with that hint of what was just her. She felt dizzy.
Finally reaching Alicia`s eyes, she could swear she saw a hint of amusement glimmer in them. Those eyes had always mesmerized Kalinda. The way they changed color from brown to the brightest shade of green, depending on Alicia`s emotion. This color, darker than she had ever seen, was unknown to her. But made her heart beat even faster. The silk black robe clung to the lawyer's body, revealing more than Kalinda had ever had the opportunity to see,-except in her dreams perhaps- and as she felt her own body responding, she suddenly felt like an intruder. Obviously Alicia was expecting someone. Most likely Will –That lucky most definitely not her.
Kalinda pushed the file forward, breaking eye contact as fast as possible, licking the dryness of her lips. She didn`t trust her voice, but knew she had to speak.
`Here. I… I should go`
As Kalinda turned around, she suddenly felt how Alicia grabbed her wrist. The touch burned, froze, Kalinda had no way to actually describe it, but it felt like an icecube on her skin at a warm summer day. It was delicious, but shocking. It was what she needed, but almost hurt. It was what she craved.
But this touch did not cool down her sensations. It fired them up. She felt heat radiance from the place their skins touched.
`No. You shouldn't`
It was a simple statement and although only moments before Kalinda could have thought of a million reasons not to stay, now she couldn`t come up with a single one.
As Alicia signaled her to come inside, the attorney surprised her by stepping aside in such a way, Kalinda had to squeeze herself past her to enter.
The investigator held her breath as she did what she was told, trying desperately to avoid any kind of contact with the other woman. Failing miserably.
As her leg stroked against Alicia`s, Kalinda felt the warm feeling of desire, spread to her abdomen. She felt how she rapidly started to lose control over her body and clenching her jaw she desperately tried to maintain it. She had always desired Alicia, but it had never been this obvious. She shifted uncomfortably, trying to hurry past this awkward moment, when Alicia grabbed her wrist again stopping her.
As the older woman let her eyes wonder over Kalinda`s face, the investigator felt as if she was touched. As if Alicia`s eyes had fingers that caressed her tenderly. She had to fight to suppress a moan when she felt Alicia`s breath tickle against her lips as the other woman brought her face closer to Kalinda`s.
`Wait… You have something right… There`
As Alicia plucked away the eyelash from Kalinda`s cheek, the investigator shivered and flinched, petrified by how much the slight and innocent touch effected her. She felt Alicia everywhere. The hint of a touch, thigh against thigh, her lips, so close, so incredibly close.
With a jerk Kalinda pulled herself loose and made her way into the apartment. As she heard the arousing clicking of Alicia`s heels behind her, she threw the file on the bar, wheeling around in order to leave, to escape, as fast as possible.
The sight, however, of Alicia, pouring her a drink, left her frozen. How could someone make an act, so simple, look so… tempting? Of course, the outfit did help.
`Are you drunk?`
Kalinda noticed she had less control of her voice than the thought. The hoarseness of her desire clearly sounding through. She coughed, trying to conceal it. But she was focused, so immensely focused on the other woman`s movement. She had never felt like this before. This powerless. This weak.
Alicia turned, starting to put the bottle of tequila back in its place before changing her mind and she brought it to the table together with the shot she had prepared for Kalinda. As she walked, her leg slid through the opening of the short robe, revealing hints of milky flesh that pushed Kalinda`s passion over the edge.
The Indian woman felt how her knees got weak, the throbbing between her legs a delicious agony. She felt, could almost smell, her own desire and felt like she would only need one touch, one graze, of that silky thigh against her center to be send into a glorious orgasm.
`No… Well. Maybe a little. But no.`
Looking into Alicia`s eyes, she knew the woman spoke the truth. Kalinda knew the states on intoxication of Alicia Florrick. She guessed the woman was 2 or 3 shots in now, the strict rules the attorney lay upon herself usually only started to loosen up after 5 or 6. So what was going on now? What was Alicia trying to prove?
Downing her shot before she even sat down, Kalinda felt the liquid courage warm her stomach, and knew her first shot had to be her last. If she would lose her own inhibitions, right now, she would be lost. She already felt highly intoxicated as it was.
You see, there is was… She had let the words slip without any consideration of the consequences. She clenched her jaws once again, this time letting herself fall on the couch, hoping against better judgement, Alicia had not heard her. To her immense surprise however, the answering voice of the lawyer sounded anything but rash. Or smug. Alicia actually sounded insecure.
`Do you… Like it?`
Suddenly Kalinda saw what was happening. The memory entered her blurry mind and it all fitted together.
*2 nights before, bar*
Kalinda played with the rim of her glass as she let Alicia`s words sink in. The other woman had a point.
If she wanted this to work, she would have to open up more.
It wasn`t fair if it was only Alicia who made herself vulnerable.
It was, however, easier said than done. She was… Out of practice. Or maybe she had never been in it. As she had uttered that last thought, she had been surprised by Alicia`s throaty laugh. And couldn`t help but smile in response.
She had initially disliked that the lawyer had chosen a booth for their conversation. Sitting on a bar-stool, shoulder to shoulder, had that profound advantage that you did not have to make eye contact unless you wanted to. But maybe for this talk, maybe it was good she was forced out of her comfort zone. Maybe it would help her to show Alicia that she… Yes… What actually? That she wanted to try?
`It`s ok, Kalinda, I`m not asking you to bare your soul. Yet. I just… Tell me something. Something about you.`
`I`m not gay`
Alicia`s eyebrows had shot up by that revelation and the shot-glass that had been on the way to the lawyer`s mouth was placed on the table again.
`You asked me that once.`
`Yeah… Two years ago`
Somehow Alicia had seemed disappointed by her words. Maybe this was not the kind of thing the other woman had meant, asking her to open up. Kalinda wrecked her brain to think of another confession, but heard herself continuing the current one.
`I`m not gay, I`m….`
She pondered the word to use. It wasn`t like she disliked the word `bi-sexual`, she just didn`t feel like her feelings, her desires, had any label. When she was with someone, when she wanted to be, she was with THAT person, regardless their gender. She glanced up, finding Alicia looking at her intensely, as if trying to look through her. And suddenly the word came to her.
Now it was Alicia who looked down at her glass, pondering.
Alicia had repeated the word, softly, dreamlike and a slight smile had started to play around her lips before she downed the shot in front of her.
`Your friend, Lana, from the FBI, is that… Flexible?`
The words had sounded slightly rehearsed, as if Alicia did her best not to put any emotion in them. Was she disgusted? Taken aback? Judgmental?
The investigator tried to search Alicia`s face, before answering, but couldn't find answers to her own questions.
Alicia had bitten her lip, and Kalinda could hear her think about the interaction between herself and Lana. Lana had played dangerous games with her before, but recently seemed to lay low.
`As your lawyer I would advise you against that`
The sentence had sounded cold, but when Kalinda looked up she saw a glint of humor in Alicia`s eyes. She had known Alicia would never judge her for her fluid sexuality, but for a moment there she had not been sure of anything. Actually, since, `The Incident` she had not been sure of anything.
`Thank you, I`ll take it under advisement`
That throaty laugh again she had missed so much. It had made her heart flutter. A feeling she quickly tried to drown in tequila.
It had been the silence that had made her look up. Alicia was leaning back, the look in her eye Kalinda recognized as the one that preluded the reason for going out. When Alicia initiated their drinking, it usually had been because she wanted to talk. And now, Kalinda knew what she wanted to talk about.
She hardened herself mentally, and smiled in -what she hoped- an encouraging manner. But the stinging pain did she was expecting did not arrive, simply because of the fact the foreseen words did not.
`So what is your `Kryptonite`, Kalinda?`
The investigator had blinked, thrown of balance by the question.
`Well, you have trouble opening up, and I get that, so indulge me. Answer me this. What is your weakness?`
`Well, yours obviously is reading super-hero comic books.`
Alicia laughed and then tried to look stern what made her laugh even more. Then again, Kalinda had seen that slimmer of emotion she could had no other word for than disappointment.
Kalinda blushed as she Alicia`s laughter stopped, seeing the woman`s eyes grow big, the realization of what she just had said hitting both of them at the same time. Oh, hell. Definitely no more tequila.
The whisper was hoarse, as did something funny and swirling with Kalinda`s abdomen. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, knowing now she could not take back what she had said.
`Yes, there is something I find incredibly alluring about it, especially in combination with heels.`
Oh damn, why couldn`t she have stopped talking? What good could come of this? Sharing a sexual fantasy with Alicia Florrick of all people. But it was true, she had a weakness for the flingy undergarments. Letting her hand slide up a woman's leg to find out what she was wearing always had been one of her favorite things. Cary had once asked her if she was an 'Ass-or-Breast' person. Of course she had not dignified that with an answer, but to be honest she wasn't sure. She surely appreciated a nice cleavage. But the feeling of sliding her hands under a woman skirt and pulling her close to her. The cheeks let bare by a thong, just gave her that little extra passion. She didn't know why. It simply always had.
' Wow… Thongs'
Suddenly Alicia started to giggle and Kalinda felt the crimson in her face darken.
'Maybe that's not what you meant'
She mumbled the words into her glass, forsaking the earlier promise to herself to stop drinking. What was the use anyway? Sober everything just hurt more. And she was defenseless against Alicia anyway.
Suddenly, she felt the softness of Alicia's hand on hers. Resisting the urge to retrieve the captured bodypart, as she would with any other person, she allowed herself for one moment, to enjoy the sensation, the warm gesture that spoke of friendship.
' It was what I meant. Thank you'
Feeling Alicia's compelling eyes, Kalinda could not help to look up, and saw the amusement still glimmering in them.
Kalinda's voice sounded defensive, but, much to her own surprise, also playful.
' I was just imagining Cary in a thong.'
Choking in the sip of tequila she had just tried to swallow, Kalinda coughed, just preventing that the burning liquid would spray all over the table – or worse, Alicia- . She couldn't help but laugh along as she, with tears in her eyes, tried to recover. The harmonious laughter seemed to last for the longest time, and freed Kalinda of some of the embarrassment of her confession.
'Now it's your turn, Alicia. What's yours?'
Alicia had looked at her in a way she never had before, her cheeks red of the combination of alcohol and the laughing fit. Kalinda had never seen her more beautiful. But the fierce expression in her eyes, the investigator simply couldn't place.
' I'm not going to tell you'
She had stated it simple. Not teasingly, not reluctantly, just… Like that. Like it was logical. And Kalinda had felt the world, that seemed to have started turning again in the last hours, stop. She swallowed. Hard. The pain spreading from her chest to her abdomen.
Then, a smile, a crooked, very sexy smile, had formed itself on Alicia's face.
Hope. What a treacherous emotion it was. The smile was lighting Kalinda from inside and made her world revolve again.
Revolve around the only sun it knew.
Finally allowing hurt anger to enter her heart, Kalinda found herself rising, feeling the disappointment in herself as a stinging failure. She knew she deserved no better. But she had never thought Alicia would sink so low as to use her feelings against her. She had laid awake at night, after she had come home from their outing, wondering if she had said too much, if she had opened up too much, is she had allowed herself to be too vulnerable. Not just about the stupid `thong`-thing but about her `flexibility`.
Was she trying too hard?
Would her final secret, the one about all those `Eat-Pray-Lovey` feelings for the attorney come out?
She had decided that, even if it would, Alicia was too nice a person to use it against her. But obviously she had been wrong.
She was teasing her, taunting her, using her fantasy, her weakness, to get into Will`s pants later. And Alicia wanted her to know it. Because she knew it would hurt her.
The worst of all was that even that realization did nothing against her highly turned-on state. It felt like her body betrayed her. The tingling sensation on her thighs, the wetness coating them, the throbbing between them. She could not deny it, and could barely resist the temptation of angrily kiss the woman in front of her. To have at least that before everything was lost. To sense at least the pressure of her lips before the woman shot her down, which Kalinda knew was inevitable. But she couldn`t. She wouldn`t. She simply could not bring herself to do anything more to hurt the other woman.
`I really should go`
The mixture of anger, sadness and desire was clearly audible in her voice, and Kalinda found herself not caring anymore. She had already shown too much. It was time for the final curtain call. She knew when she would walk out that door, nothing could ever go back to the way it had been any more. She had no energy left to fight the inevitable.
Alicia Florrick prided herself in her ability to read people. It was one of the reasons, she knew, she was often used to `hand-hold` the clients. When it came to Kalinda, though, up until right this moment, Alicia had always drew a blank. She simply had never been able to guess what the other woman was thinking, and even if she thought she had had her pinned down, the investigator would do or say something that would surprise the attorney.
But as those dark eyes looked into hers, it was as if he could read the thoughts behind them. As if the final wall that had stood between them suddenly magically had been lifted. The pain, bittersweet agony of admitting defeat, the farewell, it lay all in those eyes, that proved to be more eloquent than the owner ever had been.
Alicia did not have time to figure out what had been her mistake, but when she saw Kalinda`s intention to leave, she found herself begging for the opposite.
She had never felt so bare, so naked in her life, and that had nothing to do with the garments –or more so lack there off- that she was wearing. She would have to play her cards earlier than she had expected, or lose altogether, she knew. But her heart pounded in fear. What if it all was a mistake?
She saw how Kalinda`s eyes narrowed and the woman swallowed hard. The investigator seemed to tremble, Alicia noticed, and a little ray of hope entered her chest. Was it just from anger or was there maybe something more. Had her little scheme had the desired effect?
`What kind of game are you playing, Alicia?`
Taking a step towards the Indian woman, Alicia allowed her hand to reach out and hesitantly touch the other woman`s forearm. The goosebumps that immediately erupted and the sharp retraction answered her earlier question if there was something more. Being so close to the investigator, she saw the dilated pupils, the fast breathing, the trembling hands. All the signals she knew she must be sending herself also. Using the fact that, with every slight touch, Kalinda seemed to take a step back, she moved along with the other woman. Slowly guiding her back in the direction of the couch.
`What? Did I do it wrong?`
She had spoken the words close to Kalinda`s ear and she felt the woman shiver as her breath caressed the dark skin. Feeling her own breathing fasten, Alicia swallowed hard. She could not believe how ready she was for Kalinda to touch her. How much she wanted her. How much she needed her. Her passion seemed to live a life of its own. It roared in all the places she had thought dead all those years. It erected her nipples, pulsated between her legs. It ached, a delicious ache that could only be stilled by the touch of only one person.
Feeling how the back of Kalinda`s knees reached the couch, she, slowly and,what she hoped, seductively pushed the other woman down. As Kalinda, stunned, fell back into the cushions, Alicia placed a knee next to the other woman`s thigh. Reaching out to touch Kalinda`s cheek, Alicia stopped in mid-air as she saw something alarming. Something she had never seen before. She had seen Kalinda upset. She had seen her emotional. But she had never seen this. The turmoil that was visible in those black eyes showed an immense amount of fear. Fear, Alicia deducted correctly, for her. The attorney repressed, with great difficulty, the urge to press the other woman against her. The urge to kiss away the raw anxiety she saw, knowing it would most likely have the opposite effect.
`Please, Alicia, don't…`
Kalinda`s voice broke, as did something else inside the other woman. The tears that had rimmed her eyes now spilled and a single drop lowered itself on the flawless cheek. Without thinking, Alicia caught the tear, the gem that spoke more than a thousand words, after it left the other woman`s jaw and brought the salty liquid to her mouth.
Seeing the investigator`s eyes widen at her action, Alicia knew she had to talk… Had to explain… But she found herself at loss for words.
She heard herself ask the question, hoarsely, urgently. She wanted. She wanted the other woman so much and she knew that want had sounded through in her words. Kalinda broke the contact of their eyes and pulled back, trying to avoid to make contact with her all together. The place there their skin had touched felt cold and tingly, as if kissed or licked, and that thought evoked a rush of longing to wave over the attorney. She knew however, sensed, that this was not the moment, not yet, to let actions take over. She tried to tell her trembling body to wait just a little longer, but couldn`t prevent her hand to reach out and softly touch Kalinda`s cheek, forcing her to look up to her again.
`I want to…`
At least the words had not sounded as whining, as begging, as she felt them. She caught herself before finishing the sentence, seeing the emotion on the other woman's face. The pure unadulterated desire that was there, like fire before the sadness and fear took over again.
She felt how Kalinda`s hands trembled as she tried to push her away, but Alicia wouldn`t, couldn`t budge. She had to know, she had to be sure. She couldn`t just let Kalinda walk out like this. Pressing her knee more firmly into the couch cushions she did what she had intended to do before but hadn`t dared yet. She straddled her. Hearing the Kalinda`s involuntary moan as she pressed her inner thighs against the investigators outer ones, she could not avoid a vocalization of her own longing. Kalinda`s skirt had ridden up in the process and the soft skin against her own, so close to where she craved the other woman`s touch the most made Alicia gasp.
`Don`t you want me, Kalinda?`
The question sounded vulnerable, but at the same time thick with anticipation and, much to her own surprise, very seductive.
`Oh Alicia… If you think that, you must be blind.`
Bringing her lips closer to Kalinda`s, Alicia felt her desire impossibly rise at the sight of the swift tongue wetting lips. What else could, would that tongue do to her?
The words were nothing more than a breath and, for a moment she doubted if Kalinda had heard her, until… The sound. The mixture between a moan and a scoff. And she felt Kalinda`s hands slide around her, pulling her closer. She panted as she felt the hands move up, the silk of the robe an unwanted border between them, but before she could shrug the garment off Kalinda caught her face in her hands.
As the other woman let her forehead rest against Alicia`s, the attorney saw her best friend lose control. And yet, even as passion took over Kalinda`s instincts, she managed to push out the words.
`Are you sure you want this?`
`I`ve never been so sure of anything in my life`
Never had Alicia seen Kalinda more beautiful as at this moment, her lips slightly parted, her eyes even darker than usual, filled with longing and now with determination.
Alicia heard herself moan as Kalinda finally drew her nearer. Tentatively, Kalinda pressed a lingering kiss on the other woman`s bottom lip, withdrawing to witness her reaction. Letting her hands slide behind the investigators neck, Alicia felt how her instinct, -a thing she had never known to possess- took over as she pulled the other woman closer. Pressing her lips firmly against the other woman`s, Alicia pushed her upper body against Kalinda`s, guiding her further back into the cushions.
Slightly opening her mouth, enough to let the tip of her tongue escape, Alicia used it to graze the other woman`s lips asking for access. Alicia gasped as Kalinda moaned into her mouth, granting the entry she had requested and felt how her heart pounded against the other woman`s chest. The sensation of her nipples against the silk, rubbing against Kalinda`s breasts, the hands, exploring her back, the tongue that now, without holding back, was ravishing hers.
She felt faint, lightheaded and was grateful for Kalinda`s strong arms around her. She wanted to protest when Kalinda`s mouth left hers, but the warm softness of the investigator`s lips on her cheek and in her neck turned her complain into a whimper.
The shivers racing through the attorney`s body were not something she had ever sensed before and it astounded her how much sensations were evoked from the simple caress. Alicia groaned as Kalinda took an earlobe in her mouth and grazed her teeth over the soft sensitive skin.
Finding Kalinda`s lips again, she sensed how her hands started a life of their own. Pressing the Indian woman down by her shoulders Alicia`s fingers slid down to toned arms, finding Kalinda`s. For a moment Alicia couldn`t figure out where the investigator ended and she started. And she honestly did not care. It was all new to her, the way she melted into the other woman and Alicia found herself deepening the kiss, trying, desperately, to get even closer.
Placing Kalinda`s hands a little above her knees, Alicia purposefully guided them up in order for them to find the black lacey garment she was wearing. As their hands got closer to their destination, however, something in Kalinda seemed to freeze. As the younger woman pulled back slightly, she looked dazed, gorgeous and thoroughly kissed. Alicia leaned forward to recapture her lips, grinding against the other woman, causing a breathtaking friction. But the hands she had only moments before had been leading, now seemed to work against her.
As Kalinda placed them on Alicia`s hips, stopping the tantalizing movement, the attorney felt like whining. She tried, again, to kiss the other woman, but was stopped, this time not by physical actions but by the look in Kalinda`s eyes.
The investigator mumbled the words almost inaudibly. For a moment, Alicia doubted. Had she… had HE been wrong about Kalinda's feelings?
*Earlier that evening, Peter Florricks apartment.*
She had to hand it to him, he had done a lot of effort. When he had called and asked her to talk, she had felt reluctant at first. But she had known she owed it to him. Even though he had been cheating, she knew the situation as it existed today was not entirely his fault. She hadn`t cared for him the way a good wife should in the longest of time.
So, she had accepted his invitation for dinner at his place. But honestly, she had expected take out and not the home cooked meal that must have taken hours to prepare. She knew it had not been Jackie`s doing, for she never cooked anything foreign and the Italian food he had prepared reminded her of their early days of dating, when he had done this sort of thing more often. It had almost made her nostalgic, but she had not allowed herself to be. She had come here with a reason and she wasn`t going to leave before she accomplished her goal.
She had let him lead the conversation during dinner, smiling politely and, to her own surprise, sometimes laughing out loud at his stories about work or Eli. She felt… Affection… Just like she did for her brother when they talked. She loved him, he was the father of her children and she always would, but not in the way that she should to stay his wife. When they had moved to the couch with a glass of wine, it had not bothered her that he sat next to her. But then again, she had not foreseen his intentions until her hands were in his and he was on one knee.
It was quite romantic what he was doing, asking her to give him another chance. To renew their vows so he could promise her to do right by her. But she couldn`t help but feel this wasn`t his idea. That somehow it all went back to the political game that was played over her head. A game she had chosen not to play anymore. She wanted to make her own rules, her own playing board even. And although Peter, as Zach and Grace's dad, would always be a part of that, he was not one of the mayor pieces anymore. She saw that so clearly now.
`Peter… I… I can`t…`
His eyes had flickered with anger before disappointment had taken over. She had tried to explain to him why she thought they wouldn`t work, it wouldn't work. She tried to talk from her own feelings, her own experiences. But she must have said something wrong because she had seen the anger rise again. She wasn`t scared of him when he rose. She knew him and, in this aspect, trusted him completely. He would never do anything to physically hurt her or the kids. But now she had hurt him, personally and, she knew, politically. And maybe he had a right to be angry. Forget the maybe. He did. Maybe he had been the one cheating, but she had mentally abandoned him a long time ago. She couldn`t remember her exact words, but she had said something about his political career, and how he maybe took that into consideration in this decision. She had been trying to make clear to him that, besides for that, there was nothing left to fight for in their marriage. But the words had come out wrong.
She had seen him try to bite back a response, but then, as she clumsily tried to clarify, he had said it.
`There is somebody else, isn't there?`
The image of who that 'someone else' would, could be, formed itself in her mind, but she pushed it away, knowing she had to focus.
'Not in the way you think'
Yes she had profound feelings for someone else. And yes, she had slept with Will, but that was not the reason she was doing this.
His voice had sounded icy when he had spoken, calmly, his next words
`With you, Alicia, it had always been the same. You have to be the center. It looks as if you are content, staying in the background. But you are not happy unless you are in the center.`
He had started out harshly, judgmental even, but his voice had changed in the course of the sentence and he ended up sitting back down. His eyes however, never left hers, and even though his words stung, she felt inclined to listen.
`I`m not just talking about work, everyone can see how you blossomed , getting back to doing what you love. But I`m talking about love. You have to be the center, all the attention has to go to you. But you have to see Alicia, that at a certain point you have to give something in return. You may think that I'm doing this just for politics. But I do love you. I always have. I just knew it was never enough. You want someone to chase you, to sweep you of your feet, to seduce you and to protect you. You want a hero. And when you find it, then you find out it`s still not enough. There are so many people, around you, who would do anything for you. I include myself in that. But you don`t see it. At least that's what I think. Because if you would, you would feel bad about the way you treat them. And you don't seem to. I`m not saying what I did was good, or in any way your fault, or that you should forgive me. I messed up. I don`t deserve you. I know that. But…`
She had never seen him so eloquent in a non-working situation. And the uncomfortable, constricting feeling that she had in her chest, told her there was truth in his words.
`Alicia, there are people out there who do. People who care about you. And you just discard them. The world is not made of good people and people who make mistakes, Alicia. Everyone makes mistakes. You judge too strongly.`
He raised his hand, wary, and she knew he wasn't finished. She felt tears well up in his eyes and every word he said stung. But when he continued, his words sounded tender and she didn`t know what hurt more.
`And still, you manage to make us all fall in love with you. I don`t know how you do it. Me, Will. Hell, even Kalinda… And I thought nothing could ever touch that woman. But I never saw her like this. We are all caught in your web. And honey, we wouldn`t even care, if you threw us a bone every now and then. If you could just forgive us, for being human. If you could just allow yourself to love.`
She had looked at him, dazzled and she saw in his eyes he knew she was letting his words sink in. All of his words. She knew a lot of what he said had hit home, it was what her brother had tried to tell her so many times saying she should get of her high horse and she had just brushed him off. It had been what her coworkers meant when they called her `saint Alicia` behind her back. She had built a wall around her heart a very long time ago, allowing no one in. Well, almost no one. For her kids she had had no defense. There was another face that kept surfacing in her mind-eye, and she saw Peter`s tender eyes search her face.
`Are you ok? I`m sorry I didn`t…`
Now it was her turn to raise her hand.
`Please don`t say you are sorry for the things you said, because I think there is a lot of truth in them.`
He nodded and she saw in his face he did not expect her to come back to him. He had spoken the words, maybe partly out of spite, but, in a way, also to help her. The silence that followed was not uncomfortable. They just sat as she let the words he had spoken sink in.
She looked at him now, studying his face yet again. A question in her mind, on the tip of her tongue, she wasn`t sure she could ask. But he knew her too well as she soon had found out.
`Ask away, Alicia`
She hesitated, looking at her hands, playing, absentmindedly with her fingers. She had to bite her lip before finding the courage to speak the words.
`Do you really think… Kalinda… feels that way about me?`
She glanced up and saw how her question had thrown him off balance. And in that split second, she had seen her mistake. She should have asked about Will first. But it already had been too late. It didn`t take long for him to compose himself. And when he did, he actually sniggered.
His eyes still shone of surprise, but also had a naughty twinkle, as if he imagined the two women together, most likely naked. Then, as he looked at her and saw the vulnerability in her demeanor, he turned serious. Taking her hands in his for the second time that evening, he simply nodded and smiled. The smile had a bittersweet defeat about it and for a moment she could see again why she had accepted his proposal all those years ago.
`You know, you could do a lot worse.`
Alicia smiled in acknowledgement, feeling his words were a huge understatement. The jittery nerves that had accompanied her involuntary confession seemed to subside slightly as she saw the acceptance in her soon-to-be-ex-husband`s eyes. Then he spoke the words that made her laugh, ending their evening, and their life together, on a warm, humorous note.
`Now, go get her, tiger!`
' I really… I should go, Alicia. I really should'
Kalinda got confused when she saw the look in Alicia's eyes. The utter vulnerability in them. The question, the question that answered everything, lying on her still slightly swollen and parted lips.
The lawyer had leaned back, searching Kalinda's face for a clue of the reason for the sudden change of heart.
' Because if I stay… Alicia… I don't know how much longer I can contain myself.'
Kalinda hardly recognized her own voice. It was trembling, hoarse and thick with desire.
The crooked smile that appeared on Alicia's face made her literally moan. And as the other woman approached her again, gently pressing her lips on her own, Kalinda did not resist, filling the kiss with everything she felt. The tenderness, the despair, the knowledge that this was all she had and would ever have. As she let her tongue stroke Alicia's, she deepened the kiss, now filling it with the passionate and fierce love she had hidden for so long.
She heard Alicia gasp and wanted to retract in order to ask what was wrong, but strong hands weaved into her hair to pull her closer and the lawyer kissed her with a fierce abandon Kalinda had never seen in her before. The world seemed to stop and spin at amazing speed at the same time, making the investigator dizzy. She felt her chest rise and fall in an agonizing rhythm, but she did not want to come up for air. She wanted this moment to last forever, because she knew as soon as it would end, she would have to face the truth.
It did end, of course… It always did.
But Kalinda felt dazed, intoxicated by the woman who pinned her down and now, panting, had laid her forehead against her own. The way the lawyer uttered her name gave the investigator hope. A fierce, burning sensation that spread through her body with every beat of her heart. What was she doing to herself?
She felt how her body froze at her last thought and knew Alicia had sensed it too when the other woman withdrew and looked at her tenderly. As the counselor, gently, pushed a strand of escaped hair behind her ear, Kalinda felt the tear`s that had threatened earlier close her throat again. She hated this, this rollercoaster of emotions that prevented her to think logically. That only allowed her to feel.
She sensed the pull of arms that were wrapped around, but had no strength left to fight it. Giving in, Kalinda allowed herself to enjoy the soft, comforting and extremely seductive sensation of Alicia`s breasts against her cheeks. The black silk was barely a barrier, and made it painfully clear Alicia was not wearing anything under the robe. She felt the hardened nipples graze against her and felt her own respond in kind.
While Alicia`s fingers played with her hair, Kalinda fought with all she had left, against the temptation. But she knew she was losing. And this time she would lose much more than just a night. She would lose her heart. And she could not allow herself to do so even more than she already had.
Alicia`s chest resonated against her cheek as the lawyer spoke, making Kalinda shiver.
`Why are you fighting so hard? To contain yourself?`
So she had sensed it, her struggle. Kalinda didn`t know why it surprised her. She had been able to hide everything from everyone, until Alicia. But, the woman who now held her in her arms had changed all that. Somehow it was easier to talk like this. The safety of the arms around her, the fact she would not have to see Alicia`s eyes. It would be so easy to just say it. To just push out the secret she had been keeping and then run away. But that would be cowardice. And there were many things people could say about Kalinda Sharma, but she wasn`t going to give anyone reason to call her a coward. As she pulled back and looked into Alicia`s eyes, she was surprised by the warm emotion that spoke from them. She stammered as she spoke the words that would lead to her letting go of her final secret.
`Because, for me, it would not just be `sex`, Alicia. Not this time, not… Not with you`
Momentarily taken aback by Alicia`s response, Kalinda blinked, and the soft kiss on her lips that accompanied the words confused her even more.
The kiss that followed was slightly longer than the soft peck which had already make Kalinda`s heart flutter, and was clearly meant to interrupt her stammer. Determent to see this through however, somehow certain that her confession would drive Alicia away, Kalinda opened her mouth to speak. But a gentle hand covered her lips shortly before lingering to her cheek, to her neck, evoking impossible sensations with their movements.
`No… Now it`s my turn. What makes you think that is all I want from you?`
Kalinda`s eyes, who had dropped shut due to arousal, shot open at hearing those softly spoken tried to speak, but Alicia`s stern eyes told her not to, and she could do nothing else than obey them.
`Maybe it`s my fault. I`m terrible at this, I`ve never done it before.`
The sudden insecurity that sounded through Alicia`s voice, as the lawyer made an attempt to get away from her, made Kalinda instinctively reach out, capturing the woman in her strong arms.
`Terrible at what?`
The words, which were spit out with the fierceness of a lover`s quarrel made her laugh, the wetness she felt between her thighs proving them incredibly wrong . And suddenly the hope that had been fluttering in Kalinda`s heart didn`t seem so far off, so insane. Could it really be?
Alicia pulled herself back again, clearly offended by her reaction, struggling now to get loose, embarrassment coloring her cheeks red. Kalinda held her, but made sure that, if the other woman really wanted to, she could set herself free. She had to know though. She had to be certain.
Alicia trembled now, as she herself had only moments before and Kalinda brought her hands up to cup her face, forcing her to look her in the eyes.
`Why do you want to seduce me, Alicia?`
She saw how Alicia`s eyes searched hers and found it all, the hope, the love, the passion she felt for the attorney. She wanted to utter the words, but her mouth suddenly felt dry. She had never even dared to dream for this to happen. And now she was scared that she would wake up.
`Ask me again.`
Kalinda licked her lips, clearing her throat before she complied.
`Why do you…`
Alicia shook her head, implying Kalinda had misunderstood her, and smiled while she clarified.
`Ask me again what my weakness is.`
Kalinda looked into the eyes of the woman before her as she obliged and whispered the sentence that was requested of her.
`What is your weakness?`
The utter honesty that spoke of Alicia`s eyes, the emotions that swirled and she felt mirrored her own, left her breathless, but not as much as the answer did.
It was simple. It was sweet. It was everything Kalinda had ever wanted to hear. As she felt her lips being pulled onto the other woman`s, she felt her heart make several jumps. Alicia spoke the words between kisses, the words that made her laugh and cry and… Hope…
`You, Kalinda… It`s always been you`
Pushing the other woman of off her, Kalinda saw the pain in Alicia`s eyes. The pain she wanted, and now was allowed, to kiss away. Pushing the woman backwards, she felt how Alicia`s back found the wall and brought her lips close to those of the attorneys. Kissing her slowly, softly and seductive, with a heat that held promise, Kalinda felt all her inhibitions fail her.
Letting her hands slide over the other woman`s upper legs, she found herself hook them behind the cavities of her knees, pulling the lawyers legs around her. Using her strong body to keep the slightly taller woman in place she pressed herself against Alicia, still searching her face for indications she should stop. As she let her hands slide up, finding the flimsy undergarment Alicia had chosen, a smile crossed Kalinda`s lips before she used her mouth for other business.
More important business.
Kissing the other woman`s neck, exploring it`s sensitivity, Kalinda brought her mouth closer and closer to Alicia`s ear.
`Do you still think you were not succesfull?`
She felt Alicia gasp as she took the other woman`s hand, guiding it close to the place where her arousal was the most obvious. She wanted Alicia to make the choice of how far this would go. Looking into the eyes that were so close to hers, Kalinda felt the touch burn. The tantalizing agony of the near touch, making her center throb with anticipation.
`Do you want to feel, what it is you do to me? Not just right now, Alicia, but every day. With your eyes, with your lips, with your scent, with your wit. With everything that is you, you have seduced me. You have seduced me.`
Seeing how her words sunk in, Kalinda felt Alicia`s fingers slowly move to the border of silk that covered her wetness. Holding onto the attorney as is she was a life-line, Kalinda felt the heat in her abdomen rise to unbearable heights as the one finger slipped past the silk against her bare skin. Groaning, she hungrily kissed the lips before her while Alicia`s careful exploring brought her to new stages of arousal. Pressing her center against the other woman`s hand she felt the tentative finger find it`s way towards her entrance. Throwing back her head in ecstasy, Kalinda made a throaty sound she was sure she had never uttered before.
Catching Alicia`s eyes, she held them with her own while she moved herself so that her thigh reached the core of Alicia`s desire. She felt grateful when Alicia let one of her feet slip to the ground, granting her more access between the lawyer`s legs. Letting her hand slide between them, she cupped the wet silk and heard Alicia`s involuntary gasp when she started to mimic her movements. As the attorney pressed herself firmer against the investigators hand, Kalinda could see the other woman had to bite her lip to prevent a louder vocalization than the moan she had just uttered. When she let her finger slide beyond the silk and slide inside of the other woman, wetness, the tight pounding, that enveloped her digit as she curled it up, brought Kalinda closer to the edge.
Alicia, trembling, uttered her name.
Opening Alicia`s robe with her free hand, Kalinda bit back a moan as she caught the first glance of the body she had been dreaming about. Mesmerized by the contrast of the creamy white skin with the black silk she took a longing look before the craving to touch became too much for her to bear. Licking softly down from Alicia`s neck, Kalinda found herself teasing the other woman as much as Alicia was teasing her. She captured the sensitive skin around the attorney`s nipples with her tongue, but avoided the darker skin. While the attorney slowly let her finger slide inside the entrance she was exploring, she followed suit in the rhythm Kalinda was now leading.
Finally letting her tongue slide over the erect nipple, Kalinda`s thumb found Alicia`s throbbing clit and softly started to massage it. She was barely touching the little bundle of nerves but felt the lawyers instant reaction. As the other woman went limp in her arms, Kalinda braced herself to catch her, as she always had and always would. Making a circular movement with the finger that was caught inside the contracting walls as well as her thumb, she heard Alicia make a cooing sound, and knew the woman was close. Just as close as she herself was. Alicia let her finger slip out of the investigator and brought them up to her clit. Opening her eyes just enough to see the face of the Indian woman. Kalinda felt everything in her body tense up at the moment the soft fingertips touched her where she needed it the most, and Alicia's breathless words were the last encouragement she needed to be sent over the edge.
' Kalinda… Come with me'
As she felt the wave of Alicia's orgasm hit her, contraction after contraction of impossibly silky wetness filling her hand, she felt her own body respond in kind, finally finding the release it had been begging for, for so long.
Kalinda whispered the promise in the other woman's ear, pressing her closer against the wall, holding her weakened body in her own trembling arms.
As their ragged breathing subsided, Alicia gently laid her forehead against the other woman's, before letting her cheek find the nape of her neck. Feeling the softness of them melting together, Kalinda felt –entirely and impossibly to quickly- the surge of desire the other woman evoked in her. Alicia withdrew and smiled, shyly, crookedly, adoringly, and Kalinda knew she was lost.
As Alicia carefully took some steps, the high heels seductively clicking on the floor, the attorney slid of the robe completely, revealing the silk undergarment she was wearing for Kalinda. Just for her. She held out her hand to the investigator, the wordless question lingering between them. And Kalinda inexplicably thought that maybe being lost was not such a bad thing.
Letting her hand slide into the extended one, she felt the connection, if possible even stronger than the one they had just shared and were ready to share again, less rushed this time.
Yes… They had the whole night ahead of them.
Kalinda smiled while Alicia led her to the bedroom, their fingers entwining in a caressing embrace, knowing something inside her had changed to the core.
Because she did not reprimand herself as she, smilingly, corrected her last thought. Filling herself with the hope she had always avoided.
They had their whole lives ahead of them.