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Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain (but for the heart to conquer it)

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Jehan supposed that he ought to think himself lucky. Courfeyrac did love him. He really, truly did. It was just that, at times like this, it didn’t really seem like it.

Every few months, just this situation would happen. He would come home, looking forward to spending some time with his loving boyfriend, only to find Courfeyrac was fucking someone else. He’d leave. He’d always leave. Even if he wasn’t surprised, not really, it still hurt. It hurt so fucking much. He knew that Courfeyrac didn’t loved the people that he brought home, but still the betrayal hurt, and so he left. He went to Grantaire, who had a startling ability to make others feel better when they were sad.

Grantaire’s smile faded as he opened the door and saw the expression and tears on Jehan’s face.
“Again?” he asked incredulously. “He did it again?”
At that, Jehan’s face crumpled and he burst into tears again. Grantaire gathered him in his arms and lead him inside. He sat him down on the sofa and came back quickly with a mug of tea. Then he sat next to him and wrapped him in a hug.
“Why do you stay, Jehan?” he asked, seriously. “Why do you let him treat you like this?”
“He loves me,” Jehan sobbed.
“He doesn’t act like it!”
“He does, he just… slips up sometimes.”
“Jehan-”
“Please Grantaire, just don’t!” Jehan sobbed, causing Grantaire to sigh, and hug harder.
“Okay, I won’t, sorry. Do you want to watch nature documentaries until you feel better?”
Jehan nodded mutely.


It was late when he got home, but Courfeyrac was waiting anyway, as Jehan knew he would be. Courf was waiting on the sofa, as he usually was. It was obvious from one look at his face that he’d been crying. He stood up as soon as he saw that Jehan had entered and rushed forwards, stopping when he realised what he was doing.
“Jehan! You came back! I wasn't sure you would!”
“I’m not staying,” Jehan lied, coldly, almost wishing that it was true.
“Jehan please, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m a reprehensible piece of shit, who really doesn’t deserve you, but please, please stay.” Courfeyrac moved even closer and threw himself to his knees at Jehan’s feet. “I swear this will never happen again, I promise. Just please don’t leave me! Please Jehan, I’ll do anything.”

This, this was the reason why Jehan stayed, even though he knew full well that Courfeyrac would cheat on him again and again. Even though the betrayal hurt so much, whenever he was found out Courfeyrac would become the best, most attentive, most doting
boyfriend in the world, and that was worth the pain. It was easy to tell as well, when he hadn’t caught Courf with someone else in a while, that his conscience had started bothering him. He began treating Jehan much better, as though he was the most important thing in the world. It stung to know where the sudden bursts of affection came from, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy them all the same.

“You won’t do it again?”
“I won’t, I swear I won’t. Please.”
“I’ll stay.”
“Thank you, thank you so-”
“I’ll stay,” interrupted Jehan, “but you’re going to make this up to me.”
“Of course! I will, I swear! Whatever you want, just tell me and I promise, I’ll do it.”
“Right now, I want you to take those sheets off the bed and throw them away, then make up the bed with the spare sheets. Then, I want us to go to bed and to feel your arms around me and forget about this until morning.”
“Of course.”

Jehan went to brush his teeth while he waited. When he came back he found Courfeyrac waiting nervously by the bed. He changed into his pyjamas and climbed under the cover before looking over at Courfeyrac, who, while in his pyjamas, hadn’t gotten in the bed.
“Aren’t you coming?” Jehan asked.
“I didn’t know if I was allowed.”
“I said I wanted your arms around me, didn’t I?”
“Yes, but I would understand if you didn’t want me near you right now.”
“I said we’re forgetting that it happened for tonight. Now get in here and cuddle me.”
Courfeyrac obeyed and they lay cuddled together for a while. Eventually Courfeyrac shifted forward a little to whisper in Jehan’s ear.
“I love you so much. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m so sorry that I keep hurting you like this. I swear that this was the last time, and that I’m going to make it up to you.”
“We’ll see,” said Jehan, simply and sleepily, before finally succumbing to sleep, leaving Courfeyrac to pass the night in anxious, fitful sleep, fretting about that answer and what it might mean.


Jehan awoke the next morning to find the bed empty, and a delicious smell coming from the kitchen. He sleepily stumbled his way into the kitchen, sitting himself at the table, before looking up at Courfeyrac.
“I, umm, I was going to bring you breakfast in bed… but you got up. So I guess it’s just breakfast…” Courfeyrac lapsed into silence.
“Thank you,” Jehan muttered quietly. “I know you don’t like to cook; this was very thoughtful of you.”
“You’re welcome,” Courfeyrac said, and then hurriedly continued. “I mean you don’t have to thank me for that, really, you don’t.”
“Still, thank you.” Silence reigned once more.
“I could make you some tea, if you’d like?” Courfeyrac asked at length.
“I’m going to brush my teeth, but that would be nice for when I get back.”
“Yeah, sure, of course. Whatever you want.”

Jehan escaped to the bathroom quickly. This awkwardness between them wasn’t unheard of after Courfeyrac got caught cheating. Clearly Jehan had to take charge of the situation. He made short work of brushing his teeth. Still, when he got back Courfeyrac already had the tea ready and waiting for him, made just as he liked it, not too sweet, and not too weak either. There was also a plate of cheese blintzes, Jehan’s favourite breakfast. Jehan sat down at the table across from Courfeyrac, and the man threw him a hopeful smile. Jehan didn’t return it.
“Courf, we need to talk about last night.”
“I’m sorry!” Courfeyrac burst out immediately, it was as though the words had been just behind his teeth. “Let me make it up to you, please.”
“I know. I know you’re sorry, you’re always sorry. It never stops you from doing it again.”
“Jehan-”
“I’m not done. I’m giving you another chance but I swear Courfeyrac, this is your last one. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t.” He wasn’t sure if he really meant it or not, but it didn’t matter, he needed to say it. Courfeyrac reached across and took his hand.
“Thank you. Thank you. I promise, this is the last time. I’m yours. I’m completely yours.”
“I may ask you to prove that soon,” Jehan said, only half joking.
“If that’s what you want, I’ll do it,” Courfeyrac answered seriously.
“We’ll see. Maybe later. Right now, I want us to eat our breakfast, and then I’m going to read for a while.”

 

 


 

 

 

Courfeyrac went out while Jehan read. He wanted to buy something that he knew the other boy would like. If he was going to act like the world’s worst boyfriend then he had damn well better make up for it the rest of the time, and presents seemed like a good way to do that. Flowers and a card were a good place to start, but those didn’t really seem like enough. Not with the extent of his crime. How exactly did one apologise for being a worthless cretin who would repeatedly cheat on his most wonderful boyfriend, the best boyfriend anyone could ask for? Jehan was so sweet and supportive, except for when he’d fucked up yet again, and even then, he was so much kinder than Courfeyrac deserved. He deserved scorn and hate and shouting, not second chances. Even the potted plant he’d gotten wasn’t enough to begin to make up for what he’d done (and it had to be potted flowers, of course, he wasn’t about to give Jehan dying flowers; he knew how his love felt about them.)

Then he saw it. The thing that would be perfect, that would help to make up for what he did. The cutest little frog. It was an African Dwarf frog, Courf found out once he’d entered the pet shop. It was relatively easy to look after, and it was adorable. He bought it, and the necessary paraphernalia, without hesitation. It wasn’t easy to get back home to Jehan, but when he did, he was terrified for a minute when he found that Jehan wasn’t there. Then he saw the note that Jehan had left, saying that he had gone to the library and would be back soon.

This was actually a good thing; it gave Courfeyrac chance to set up the frog in its new home. He considered hiding it, but there wasn’t really anywhere to do that in the tiny apartment so he left it in full view. Jehan froze when he came through the door.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“I got you a present. I hope you like it,” Courfeyrac replied earnestly.
“Is that a frog?”
“Yeah. I know you like them, and I saw it and I just… thought you would like it? Was I wrong?” Courfeyrac asked anxiously.
“No, no, I love it. Thank you.”
“Really?” Courfeyrac asked, with a smile breaking out over his face.
“Yes, really.” Jehan pulled Courfeyrac into his arms and Courfeyrac wasn’t ashamed to admit that he clung to him. Jehan pulled away.
“What should we call it?” he asked.
“Whatever you want, love. It’s yours.”
“How about Bluebell?”
“Why Bluebell?” Courfeyrac asked amusedly.
"Because I saw some outside the library today and they were beautiful." Courfeyrac beamed down at Jehan. His love was so sweet sometimes. Well, most of the time really.
"I love you," he told him.
"Thank you," Jehan replied. It didn't escape Courfeyrac's notice that Jehan hadn't said it back, but that was fair really. He had to earn that back, and he would. Whatever it took, he would.

“So,” said Jehan, tearing his eyes from the frog, “how are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon?”
“Well, I was thinking I’d cook you that vegetarian lasagne that you like-”
“No.”
“No?”
“Take me out to dinner, I have plans for you this afternoon.”
“Of course, anywhere you want. But what kind of plans?”
“I haven’t taken you down in a few days. You’ve forgotten who you belong to.”

They both knew full well that that wasn’t why at all. The reason was that Courfeyrac had such a pathetically small amount of self control that he couldn’t even stay faithful to his boyfriend. But if Jehan wanted to play then Courfeyrac certainly wasn’t going to say no.
“Yes, sir,” he replied, bowing his head.
“And you’re going to make it up to me, aren’t you?”
“Yes, sir. However you like, sir.”
“Good boy. Now go get undressed and lie face up on the bed. I’ll be through in a moment.”

Courfeyrac obeyed hurriedly, settling himself on the bed and wondering exactly what Jehan had planned for him. Perhaps he wanted to punish him? It would only be fair, after all. Or maybe he just wanted Courfeyrac to serve him? He do so gladly, eagerly even. He had no more time to wonder though, as Jehan entered the room. He took a moment to gaze over Courfeyrac’s exposed body.
“You do look so pretty, all spread out for me like that,” he remarked. “Have you guessed what I’m going to do to you yet?”
“No, sir.”
“I’m going to tie you to the bed, and then I’m going to keep you here all afternoon. You’re going to be my fucktoy, and I’m going to play with you just how I want to. I assume you don’t object to that?”
“No, sir,” Courfeyrac said, already hard.
“Good boy. Or, good toy, I should say. What’s your safeword?”
“Red, sir.”
“Good, use it if you want me to stop. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir.”

Jehan efficiently pulled out the restraints from underneath their bed and strapped Courfeyrac in so that his arms and legs were spread out to each corner.
“Struggle,” he told Courfeyrac, and he did, he tried, but he couldn’t really move.
“Good toy, that’s enough.” Courfeyrac stopped moving. “Do you know what I’m going to do to you now?”
“No, sir.”
“I’m going to open you up with my fingers, and while I do, I’m going to tell you everything I’m going to do to you today.” Courfeyrac moaned.

Jehan lubed up his fingers and started to work one into Courfeyrac.
“You know,” he said conversationally, “I though about not letting you come today at all, through everything that I’m going to do to you. You are so entertaining when you’re desperate to come, but not allowed to. Then, I remembered how much I like to watch you come. How pretty you look when you do. So you’re going to come today, just from me opening you up.” Jehan added another finger now, causing Courfeyrac to attempt to push down against them. “Then you’ll come again, from the vibrator that I’m going to use in you. Then I think I’ll use my mouth, and the vibrator, and see what that’ll do to you, and you come from that. And then, when you’re all worn out and you think that you can’t take anymore, I’m going to fuck you, and you’ll come one last time from that.”
“Jehan, please, I can’t-”
“You can,” Jehan replied firmly, adding a third finger. “I say you can, and you want to please me, don’t you?”

Oh, he really couldn’t say no now, and if Jehan thought he could do it, then he probably could. Either way, he owed it to Jehan to try.
“Yes, sir, of course. That’s all I want.”
“Good boy.”

Jehan added a fourth finger and then curled his fingers up, watching Courfeyrac’s face carefully. On the fourth thrust he found what he was looking for. Courfeyrac jerked and gasped as sparks flew across his body when Jehan found his prostate. And then Jehan. Didn’t. Stop.

He kept his fingers pressed into Courfeyrac, and just rubbed circles around his prostate. It was the most intense thing Courfeyrac had ever felt in his life. He would have moved if he could. He would have thrashed wildly and tried to get away, if he could. As it was, it wasn’t long before he was coming with a shout. He lay on the bed, exhausted already. Fuck, Jehan wanted three more orgasms from him today.

“Good toy,” Jehan crooned in his ear. “We’re going to try for the next one right away. Now, this is going to be intense. But I know you can take it.”
“Yes, sir.”

Without further ado Jehan lubed up the vibrator and pushed it into Courfeyrac. He switched in on to the high setting immediately, just to watch Courfeyrac thrash. Then he turned it down to something a bit more manageable. He worked through the different intensities until Courfeyrac was hard again, and then began fucking him with the vibrator. Courfeyrac quickly went from trying to get away, to fucking himself back on the toy. The slide of it in and out of him was wonderful, but when it was combined with the vibrations that shot through him it was incredible. The sparks that he felt when it hit his prostate were heavenly. When he came this time he was nearly silent, and it left him gasping and trembling afterwards.

Then, Jehan smirked up at him, and he knew he was in trouble. Jehan closed his mouth over him, and fuck, he was so sensitive that it actually hurt, but in the best way. It was torture at first, but Jehan’s smile as he looked up at Courfeyrac was worth it. He waited until Courfeyrac was hard again and then turned on the vibrator. Courfeyrac tried to pull his hips back, but with the restraints he couldn’t really move. He just had to take it. He couldn’t move, and he had to take whatever Jehan chose to give him. That thought, combined with the feeling of the vibrator buzzing inside him, and Jehan’s mouth around his cock finally pushed him over the edge once more. He felt as though his remaining brainpower leaked out with the orgasm, and he was left limp on the bed, barely registering when Jehan pulled the vibrator out.

He did, however, register it when Jehan replaced the vibrator with his own cock, pushing into him all at once.
“Please, sir, please, I can’t come again, I can’t.”
“Shhh, shhh, my good boy, you don’t have to. All you have to do is lie still while I use you. Do you think you can do that for me?”

Courfeyrac nodded. Yes, that was something that he could do. He could be good for Jehan, he could let himself be used. He relaxed his body and focused on not moving as Jehan fucked him. It wasn’t too much longer before Jehan came with one final thrust into Courfeyrac. He pulled out, and Courfeyrac felt his wrists and ankles being untied. Soon he was being wiped down with a warm, damp cloth, and then there was a blanket being pulled over them. They lay there for a while quietly before Courfeyrac came back to himself a bit.

“Jehan?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
There was quiet again.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I forgive you.”
“I won’t ever do it again, I swear. I won’t.”
“I believe you,” Jehan lied, knowing that this would happen again, that Courfeyrac wasn’t capable of not cheating on him, but also knowing that he’d still stay, still forgive Courfeyrac each time it happened, because these moments, when he had Courfeyrac’s love -devotion even- were worth all of the pain that came before.