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Without Doubt The Worst Pirate I've Ever Heard Of

Chapter Text

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern followed close behind Hamlet as the made their way to the ship that would bring them to England. Hamlet is unaware of the contents of Claudius’s letter. But Hamlet has no plans for giving up on avenging his father. He will eventually return to Denmark somehow. Which means he will somehow have to bribe the sailors taking him. Or escape himself. I'll think of something. I always do. I'm bloody Hamlet for my father's sake!

    Hamlet stood against the railing of the boat they were on and examined the ocean. One of the sailors came over to him. “The waves are quite elegant, aren’t they?” Hamlet asked with a bright smile.

    The sailor nodded. “Tis quite so, sir. Your friends claim you wish to go to England.”

    “Have you read the letter they gave you?” Hamlet asked.

    “Not yet. I will read that as soon as we set sail.”

Wonderful. “The letter contains the details.”

“Alright. We are preparing to depart now.”


The sailor walked away and Hamlet stared schemingly into the water. How am I getting off this? Those two idiots are over there watching me like a pair of dark ravens. I need to see what that letter really says. He looked back and saw the sailor he had talked to holding the letter. He looked further to his side and saw a bunch of barrels hanging in a net not to far above the center deck. Hamlet followed the rope up and around to the post he stood next to. Convenient. He pulled out the knife he snagged from another guy on the boat and after making sure no one was watching, even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, he snapped the rope and the net and barrels fell. The crew went into a full panic and the sailor he had talked to stood back and started barking orders to clean up the mess. Hamlet casually walked over to the sailor and gently picked the letter from his uncle out of his back pocket. Nobody cared to notice him. Even the two idiots were helping figure out what had happened. Hamlet stuffed the letter into his pocket and leaned stood next to the man he had just robbed. “Gracious what happened here?”

“Faulty hanging, weak ropes, both, who knows. Fret not, this won’t delay us your highness.” He walked off to help pick up an end of the net and Hamlet decided to go to the room they sailor said he could have would he get seasick. Which is entirely preposterous because I don't get seasick. Nice room though.

He set the lock and sat at the desk. He pulled out the letter and use his new knife to gently cut the royal seal off. It only took him a light skim to know that Claudius was not as stupid and careless as he seems. Claudius was not just going to leave him in England. He wanted someone to kill Hamlet immediately upon arrival. Oh this will not do. Hamlet searched the desk and found a pen and paper and began a new letter. He would have Rosencrantz and Guildenstern killed. Sure they were friends as children, but they were clearly for his bastard uncle and mother now. They will be killed and I will be returned home. I am simply here to examine their deaths. After a few minutes he had the perfect letter. He rewrapped it and reapplied the royal seal. It actually looked like it was never opened. He took the previous letter, crumbled it up, and tossed it out the small window. He watched the paper wad fall and land gently in the light green sea water. He waited until the wad was consumed and disintegrated by the water to know it was for sure destroyed.

He walked back out to the deck with the new letter stashed in his pocket. The crew was hanging a new net for the barrels as the one sailor observed their work. He looked for the two idiots and realised they were still helping the others. No one cared about him right now. He walked quickly but quietly up to the sailor and gently stuffed the new letter into his pocket. He immediately turned and walked back to the spot he found the water quite peaceful to observe. The sailor noticed absolutely nothing. Now he would just wait.

The barrels were finally hung and the ship was finally ready. “I am so sorry your highness for the delay. We are setting sail now. You remember where that room is right? In case-”

“Sir, I do not get seasick but I remember the room. I understand you are trying and doing your job well so all is forgiven I am not in a huge hurry.”

“Oh thank you your highness.”

The boat jerked suddenly and soon they were on their way. Hamlet decided to stay in his spot and watch the water and waves for a bit. He was having a good time with no one bothering him until he realised he started feeling dizzy and sick. I don’t get seasick. He tried to ignore the feeling but the boat was moving and rocking quite rapidly. Damn why now? He gave up and walked quickly to the room and locked the door. He laid down on the bed and prayed for a quick trip and that he wouldn’t throw up. He found it quite easy to fall asleep on a moving ship and was out quickly.

Chapter Text

The boat jerked far too suddenly in the wrong direction. Hamlet nearly fell off his bed. When he was fully awake he could hear screams outside on the deck. He opened the door and immediately closed it. There was clearly a battle going on outside and it had to be around midnight. The boat continued to violently jerk around and caused Hamlet to be thrown against the wall. The door swung open and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern fell inside.

“What the bloody hell you two?!” Hamlet called. “Close the door!”

Rosencrantz got up and slammed the door and locked it. “I don’t think they saw us.” he said with a shortness of breath. Both him and Guildenstern looked terrified.

“Alright. Now. What the bloody hell is happening out there?!” Hamlet yelled at the two friends.

“Pirates,” Guildenstern spat.

“Pirates? Please,” Hamlet tried to look unamused when in reality he thought he would pass out again.

“Yes, My Lord, Pirates,” Rosencrantz confirmed.

“Well isn’t this just lovely!” Hamlet called over the explosion of a cannon. The ship was sent into the other direction and the three men went spiraling onto the other side of the room. “This is just messing everything up!” Hamlet said struggling to get up.

“You’re telling us My Lord. We should be at your execution by now,” Guildenstern said as he pulled himself off the floor.

Hamlet pretended to not hear but he saw Rosencrantz’s dead look toward Guildenstern. Idiots. Buffoons. How have they made it this far?

The noise outside was slowly dying down. Nobody could tell who was winning. Hamlet went to the small window on the side if the room and peeked outside. The ship he saw was terrifying. The wood holding the ship together was rotted and molded. It shouldn’t be holding at all. The sails were even more hideous. They were all torn and tattered and the material they were made from quite honestly looked like algae and other ocean items. It overall had a very gloomy look to it. It almost looked like it shouldn’t even be there, it shouldn’t exist.

“What kind of men were on that stranger ship?” Hamlet asked the other two.

They both looked at Hamlet, looked at each other, shook their heads, and looked back to Hamlet. “We have got no idea,” Rosencrantz said quietly.

“Well, what are they representing? Where are they from? What color uniforms do they wear?” Hamlet kept questioning the two.

“My lord, I really don’t think these men are actually-” Guildenstern paused and swallowed before finishing, “-men.”

“Please be clear with me,” Hamlet was getting annoyed.

Rosencrantz was ready to continue when the door was kicked open violently. Hamlet drew his stolen knife and prepared to charge the intruder, but was frozen. His eyes grew wide and the knife slipped from his hands. “Holy mother-”

“Out! Now! Each of you!” The creature called pointing his sword at the three men.

This thing had the body of a human, but was more buff and taller. His clothes were torn and soaked and barely hanging on. But his head represented that of a hammerhead shark’s. His hands were normal. Everything else seemed normal aside from the gills and scales on his arms and neck. His head was simply just a shark’s head.

“Yes, we are coming,” Rosencrantz said nervously. He and Guildenstern stuck their hands up in the air and walked to the door. The hammerhead followed them with his eyes. When they left he turned to Hamlet. “You too!” He started to run towards the prince.

Hamlet jumped back and put his hands up too. “Easy, mate. I’m coming.” He walked past the hammerhead and towards the door. The creature’s head and eyes followed. Hamlet thought he was going to throw up again. He kept it down and thought it was gone, until he looked back up. He immediately sprinted towards the edge of the boat and hurled the contents of his stomach over the edge and into the water. Everyone. Every single one of them. They all looked like half-man-half-abominations of the sea. It took a decent 5 minutes for him to finish. He could hear laughter from behind him in the moments of silence between each fit. After those five minutes he slumped to the ground and wrapped his arms around the post. He still felt sick but there was nothing left in his system to throw up now. He heard footsteps heading his way.

“You done?” A heavy voice asked.

“No, probably not. We’re still on a moving ship so no guarantees.” Hamlet said weakly. He looked up and immediately regretted it. He was wrong. He stood up quickly and threw his head back over the edge. More laughter mixed with his hurls. The creature he saw now had a deep grey face and was covered in barnacles and had horribly discolored hair. He too held a sword.

“Look at that weak kid!” Another voice called. “What’s he even doin’ on the seas if he can’t keep it down?” The entire crew started laughing again. Hamlet prayed he was finally done and came back from over the edge. He turned and walked forward without looking up. “Can’t even bear the sight of us!” The voice said again.

“Look I don’t know what you want. But please just get me to England. I can’t survive here much longer,” Hamlet pleaded.

“Oh, yee be on the seas much longer,” Another voice said. It was so sinister Hamlet thought he could throw up again. The boat still lightly rocking was not helping.

“What do you mean by that? Look, I just need to get to England.”

“Yer be in my waters. Yer trespassers join my crew.”

Hamlet’s senses snapped back to him. “No I can’t do that I have important business-”

“Yer dead! Ain’t no one doin’ business with you now!”

“Look here you-” Hamlet looked up and was immediately too stunned to even think of throwing up now. He put his hand over his mouth and held up a finger on the other hand. The creatures laughed at him. Hamlet looked back up at his obstacle after a minute. “Look here you, uh, person-”

“Alright, be honest, what do you really wanna call me?” Hamlet was rudely cut off.

It was an intriguing question since Hamlet really didn’t know what any of these creatures were. He honestly knew they were not actually persons. They all were clearly mutated humans and sea creatures. This one was very disturbing, he was massive, and heavily clothed in decorative and intact clothing. Hamlet was 90% sure this was their Captain. But his face…

The one name that could come to mind was Squid Face.

“I’m not going to answer a question I do not know,” Hamlet said firmly.

The guy laughed again. His tentacles all moved in different directions as if they all had minds of their own. “Very bold response. I like yee already,” he said with a grin.

    Before Hamlet could think of a cocky reply the thing brought up his hand, which was apparently a giant claw, and grabbed Hamlet by the shirt and pulled him towards him. Oh Dear Lord you smell so much worse than fish! God I don’t even think that’s fish! Is that squid? That’s squid. Far worse! He knew he had to throw up again but now the claw was clutching onto his stomach. His shirt was now torn around his waist. “That is expensive material!” Aye I didn’t throw up on that one. Improvements have been made.

    “Yer ain’t royalty here!” Squid face screamed before dragging a flailing Hamlet to the side if the ship. Once they got to the edge they paused and waited for two other creatures to drag Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Hamlet looked over the edge and saw the erie ghost boat drifting near the finer boat.

    “Like Hell I’m getting on that,” Hamlet said to the side. Unfortunately the squid heard him. The large, unbreakable shell of his hand-claw connected with the back of Hamlet’s head. He slumped forward and tried to lift his heavy head. He was met with heavily blurred vision, soon replaced with blackness.