Chapter 5: Raise your glass (Pina Colada)
Kurt Hummel desperately needed a drink. Did he seriously see his brother and sister-in-law practically fornicating on his kitchen table? Whilst he and Brittany -- two innocent witnesses -- were present? He felt nauseous at the thought.
"Technically, they were doing it on the chair," Brittany chimed in, staring dreamily in the direction that the heterosexual love-fest had gone in, a pleased look on her face. He stared. "You were talking out loud," she continued. "I wanted to correct you."
"I need to burn that chair," he muttered, attempting to ignore Brittany. "I need entirely new furniture, that Finn has not sullied. Oh my God."
"I thought you said that God was like Santa for grownups," his companion chirped. "I'm glad you believe in Him now, because Santa totally gave me what I asked for for Christmas." The blonde eyed him expectantly, and Kurt let out a very tired sigh. He really didn't understand Brittany sometimes.
"What did you ask Santa for?," Kurt asked, dreading the response that could potentially leave her lips. "My brother induced welcome to heterosexual married sex?" Oh, the things he had seen. And Rachel! Rachel! Encouraging Finn to take her right there in the kitchen. He supposed that at least he could be grateful for the small miracle that Finn of all people had had the sense to take her into their bedroom.
"I told Santa to bring Finn back," Brittany informed Kurt, kissing him sloppily on the cheek. "And he did!" She hugged herself tightly, before launching herself into Kurt's arms.
He held her, not entirely certain how to respond. Was Brittany thinking that Santa was the cause of Finn's return honestly the worst thing? Seeing as she still believed in Santa, he quickly decided that it was not. Sometimes the delusions of belief were needed to maintain a healthy equilibrium. And he suspected that his death would be swift if he upset Brittany with Santana around. Yes. Absolutely. Santa was the reason for Finn's return.
"Thank you for asking Santa, Brittany," Kurt said, voice somewhat muffled as he was pressed tightly against her. "I appreciate it."
She beamed, nuzzling the side of his face. "I just wish Santa hadn't made him so sad," she pouted. "Maybe that can be my next wish!"
He opened and closed his mouth, blinking rapidly. He really didn't have the energy to explain the complexities of war and PTSD and whether or not Santa Claus existed, not when he had soul scarring memories to erase with frothy mixed drink goodness.
"Want to make pina coladas?," he asked, hoping to distract her. "I'll even let you blend!"
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
Santana smirked at Lady Fabulous, noticing his great discomfort as Brittany told her in great detail about her day spent babysitting the recovering Man Teats. She sipped the offered drink slowly, an amused glint growing in her eyes the redder that Hummel turned. And Hummel could turn an impressive shade of red.
"Oh, why do you look like that?," she asked him, snorting. "Surely you knew they boned. How do you think your niece was spawned?"
Brittany muttered something about the stork, and she stroked her hair, pleased when their friend started to splutter incoherently. This was delightful, Santana thought, surveying her surroundings. She quickly realized that something was off.
Someone minute and annoying and not in the perversely pleasant way -- aka the artist formally known as Berry -- was missing.
"Where is Short and Curly?," she demanded of Kurt. "I miss the familiar discontent that his presence causes."
Hummel started to cough, nearly choking on his drink. Brittany climbed off her lap to cluck at him, leveling her best attempt at a glare at Santana.
"That's not nice," her girlfriend told her, pouting. "My dolphins are fighting, Blaine is mad that my wish to Santa came true."
Wish to Santa? Santana asked, wracking her brain, trying to fathom what the hell Brittany had wished for that would upset the Hobbit. It was Brittany, for Heaven's sake. The fact that she still believed in Santa was a sign that she wasn't exactly wishing for hurtful things.
And then the Orca walked into the room, arm in arm with the Midget, and things fell into place.
"Are you serious?," she mouthed to Hummel, who gave her a short nod, attempting to disentangle himself from her dancer.
Now, Santana Lopez was not exactly any fan of Finn Hudson -- he was frankly a childish oaf that had no business being an adult and married and raising children -- but she certainly tolerated his presence enough to know that he wasn't the worst person in the world. He was good to Brittany -- a trait she wished more people would adopt -- and he controlled the crazy that was his wife. Plus, the whole 'nearly dying' thing had supplanted her typical annoyance at Gigantor.
"Heard you had a fun afternoon," Santana told the lovely couple, amused with their matching blushes.