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Unfixable

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It was done. He had programmed the hologram with absolutely everything relevant that he could think of. Now that Rodney knew that he had done everything in his power to straighten John out in the future he could finally stop and take a breath. He realized that, somehow, he still had other loose ends. Despite having ‘fixed’ the future, he still hadn’t fixed the most important thing.

Rodney ached to have Keller back. She could have helped him here. The reason that they had clung to each other so tightly was that there was no one else left for either of them. No one else would understand.

Initially he had assumed that it was just the lack of Atlantis; the lack of the team; the fact that all was lost. But now, alone, he realized that he had been broken long before all that. Sure, his life was a series of disasters from the start but nothing had hurt him as deeply as loosing Carson Beckett. Twice he had to endure losing Carson. Not once. Twice.

Each time the only thing that seemed to keep him from crumbling was figuring out how to save the universe yet again. Each time he was able to push that broken part of himself aside and focus on fixing each new disaster, but never having time to fix himself. Or never wanting to try… Maybe he had assumed that he was just too shattered to mend.

So now, here he stood. Staring at Carson, still there in stasis; with those eyes; those hopeless puppy dog eyes and all that he could think to do now was cry. He fell to the floor and lost himself in sobs. He wasn’t sure how long he cried. He cried until there was nothing left and his throat was raw from sobbing. His face was stained with snot and tears. Then came the silence. One moment of silence from the thoughts that usually gripped his mind so tightly and forced him to move forward. His mind became silent and he slept a deep peaceful sleep. He dreamt… but not the usual dreams. No monsters. No beasts. Only Carson kissing him on the head and telling him it was going to be alright.