“What happened this time.” Derek sighs, holding the phone a safe distance from his ear to avoid Stiles' incessant shrieking.
“It's Scott!” Stiles wails, “He dragged me out into the woods, I don't know why I followed him, Derek, I really, really don't know why, and there were witches, and they attacked us. And Scott is bleeding and he's going to die and I don't know what to do, Derek! Plus, they- they cursed me. I'm cursed.”
Derek stiffens, “I'll be right over. Press something over Scott's wound, staunch the bleeding.”
“Derek, dude, please, you gotta get here fast. He's gonna die. I don't wanna lose my best friend, man, I can't.” Stiles cries. Derek growls something along the lines of 'Scott's too stupid to die' and he rushes to Stiles' house, half shifted and ready to protect his pack from-
“What the actual fuck.” Derek blurts, taking in the scene in front of him.
Scott has a scratch on his knee that's already healing and he's trying to fight Stiles' off who has a towel in his hand and screeching that he needs 'urgent medical attention, call your mom, you can't die on me' and Scott is wheezing on the ground, laughing so hard he's turning red and his there are actual tears pouring down his face.
“Derek-” Scott wheezes, outstretching a shaky hand, “Oh, my god. Derek, they cursed him--”
“Stiles, I. What. Just- what.” Derek has no idea whats going on.
Stiles looks like he's about to cry, trying to force Scott into submission and flailing around like someone's actually dying.
“Fuck.” Scott chokes on a laugh and starts hacking, trying to clear his throat, breathe, and laugh at the same time. Stiles immediately begins floundering again, face crazed with panic as he grips Scott from behind and starts doing a piss poor attempt of the Heimlich maneuver.
“Derek, he's choking!” Stiles screeches, pumping furiously at Scott's diaphragm. Scott, who still hasn't reigned in his laughter, is too weak to bat away Stiles' arms. He's turning blue now, laughing so hard that Derek actually begins to worry that maybe he is dying.
“They cursed him.” Scott manages to gasp out, struggling to get out of Stiles' grip while trying to breathe again. “So that he dramatically overreacts to everything, and I- I can't-” He curls in on himself, laughing so hard that he stiffens up and clenches every muscle in his body.
Derek is staring in shock. Isaac walks into the room, wiping his face and grinning so big that it looks like it hurts. “I almost shit myself watching them, seriously, can't we just leave him like this? It's so much fun.”
“How long has he been like this?” Derek asks, placing his face in his palms as Stiles cries over Scott's shaking form.
“An hour.” Isaac breathes, face red.
Derek is about to grab Stiles when Erica silently walks in, touching Stiles' shoulder.
Stiles shoots from the ground screaming, jumping up and down and clutching at his chest, eyes wide and face contorted in a way that it almost seems fake.
Erica herself startles before joining Scott on the ground, screaming in laughter while Stiles leans against the wall, breathing hard, “You scared me!” He wipes the sweat from his brow, and tries to control his breathing.
Scott, whom Derek is really questioning why the two are even friends, has started coughing on his spit again. Stiles shrieks and runs over, settling for CPR this time. If Scott was human, Stiles would have broken his ribs by now. Scott still hasn't stopped laughing and Stiles is still furiously trying to grab Scott's face and breathe into his mouth.
The Sheriff walks in, takes in Scott desperately shoving Stiles' face away while Stiles clings, and he just shakes his head, giving Derek a pointed look that means, 'I don't know what this is, but please fix it'.
“Son, I'm going—”
“Dad, no!” Stiles falls to his knees, gripping the sheriff's legs and clutching. “You can't leave me! I'm your son! You birthed me. I am literally born of your sperm, dad, you can't just abandon blood. Think of all the laborious hours you spent pushing me out of your womb--”
“Nope.” The Sheriff dead pans. “Nu-uh. Derek, fix this.”
“Dad!” Stiles screams and it's filled with agony, and the Beta's are literally crippled with laughter, hunched over and unable to move as they laugh at Stiles' misery.
“I'm going to the grocery store!” Stiles' father throws up his hands in exasperation.
“Oh.” Stiles pulls away. “Why didn't you just say so. Bring back milk.”
This sends the Beta's into another fit of laughter. Derek lifts Stiles up by his armpits. “Let's go.”
“Where?” Stiles ask.
“We're going to fix this.” Derek sighs. “Or your dad will have my head.”
“No!” Stiles screeches, wrapping around Derek like an octopus. “He can't kill you!”
“Scott.” Derek glowers at Stiles' “best friend”, “Take me to the witches.”
“Derek, they're evil!” Stiles warns, still clinging even when Boyd, the only helpful one, tries to pry him off. “They'll kill you!”
Derek frowns, looks around the room, grabs a sock, shoves it in Stiles' mouth and flings him over his shoulder. Nope. Scott leads him to the woods and halfway through Stiles realizes that he's not actually gagged and he can just spit out the sock, and he immediately begins screaming about being kidnapped.
“Put me down!” Stiles writhes. “Put me down, you cretin! I am human. I'm fragile, you brute! Bad! Put me down!”
Derek sighs and drops him. Stiles falls to the ground and he just sits there, slumped.
“Are you okay?” Derek asks instinctively.
Stiles looks up with watery eyes, clutching at his ankle. “Derek.” He whimpers.
“Did I hurt you?” Derek leans closer, genuine worry clouding his features.
“I can't go on.” Stiles collapses into a heap on the leaf covered floor, gripping his leg. “You have to go on without me, Derek. You have to leave me here. I- I love you, but... but we need to make sacrifices. Just go on without me! Go!! Derek!! You have to leave me!”
Scott is collapsed right next to Stiles, wheezing and writhing and Derek really hates him right now.
“Stiles.” Derek glares. Stiles looks up. “Get up.”
Stiles blinks, shrugs, and stands. “Well, what are you waiting for? Let's get those witches!”
It takes ten minutes to reach the Witches coven, even though it should have only taken 3. Scott had to keep stopping to breathe and Stiles had a minor freak out over Every. Single. Thing.
“I see you didn't like our little present.” One of the witches sighs. “That's what he gets for meddling.”
“I did no such thing!” Stiles exclaims, stomping forward. “I was protecting this territory! I was protecting the innocence, and the virtue of the people I love! I will physically fight you. I will fight you to the death, I will make sure that you are eradicated or I will die trying!”
The witches snort in amusement.
Stiles wipes his brow, panting. “Wow, it is hotter than the devils anus up in here.”
“Please.” Derek says simply. “Just- please.”
The witches eye him with sympathy. “We didn't mean to make it so strong. I'm afraid the spell reacted differently because of his normal... personality.”
“Please.” Derek repeats. He is not above begging. Scott hadn't controlled himself and he's panting and wheezing on the ground, coughing and choking.
“We are sorry.” The witches giggle, snapping their fingers. Stiles stops crying over Scott and takes a horrid step back.
“Dude.” Stiles protests. “You totally were enjoying my pain! I was genuinely worried over you.”
“I- I'm sorry- I just--” Scott gasps.
“I am really questioning my choice in friends.” Stiles mumbles. He grabs Derek, “At least you didn't abuse me in my moment of weakness.”
“Hey Stiles.” Derek says.
“Yeah, Derek?” Stiles hums.
“I'm bleeding.” Derek sticks out his arm, where there's a piece of bark wedged in. “I need urgent medical attention.”
Stiles shoves him to the ground, “I REALLY HATE ALL OF YOU, I'M NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN. YOU'RE THE WORST!”
Derek grins, turns to the witches, “Are you sure the spell is undone?”
“I'm afraid we can't do anything about the way he is.” The witch pats his arm sympathetically.
Scott still hasn't stopped laughing.