Chapter 1: Gourmand
“What I had in mind was a matured Red Leicester with a precocious little Shiraz. Not . . .” Crowley indicated their surroundings with a sweeping hand gesture that fittingly summed up his contempt for the cheap, bourgeois restaurant.
Dean ignored him, only lifting his head when the sassy blonde waitress arrived at their table. “Welcome to The Cheesecake Factory!” she said. “What can I get you boys?”
“The cherry deluxe, please, sweetheart,” Dean replied, handing her the menu. “Extra large.”
“And two spoons?” she asked, glancing at Crowley.
Dean frowned. “What for?”
Crowley sighed. “I’ll just have coffee. Black.”
Chapter 2: Fun Fact
This wasn't for spn_bigretzel; it was actually inspired by a piece of trivia I came across in an article on weird medieval practices, but I thought I'd post it here anyway :)
Dean’s shoulder muscles tightened. “What?” He’d learned to be wary of that exclamation while Sam was researching.
Sam studied his laptop screen without meeting Dean’s gaze. “Apparently in medieval times ‘freckles were considered a disgusting, unsightly blemish. Sulphur would be vigorously rubbed into the skin daily to minimize their appearance’,” he quoted.
Dean’s eyes narrowed. “So?” he demanded warningly.
Sam pursed his lips. “You’d just think . . . after all that time in Hell – “
“Shut it,” Dean growled.
Chapter 3: Character Bleed
Special DEW challenge: all the twos - in honour of Jensen and Danneel's news!
“Little Shop 4 Horrors” babywear store was living up to its name. The body of the sales assistant had been found . . . all over, apparently hacked apart by a slimy monster with an axe. Sam studied the splatter pattern on the floor. ‘Dean, do we have any duct tape?” Well, it had helped once before . . . “Dean – ?” All thought in Sam’s brain popped like a soap bubble as he witnessed his brother holding two pairs of baby shoes, one in each hand, and he was walking them along the counter.
“Have you ever seen anything so adorable?” His voice rose to a bizarre cutesy octave. “They’re sooooo tiny!”
Sam stared. “Dean . . . what is wrong with you?”
Dean’s bottom lip fell loose. His gaze dropped to his hands then he hurriedly replaced the shoes in their rack. “I ha – have no idea,” he stammered. Recovering, he squared his shoulders, worked his head and neck in his collar and straightened his tie. “So, axe wielding slime monster,” he continued in his normal register, as if nothing amiss had happened, and focused attentively on the splatter pattern.
“Do we have any duct tape?” he asked.
Chapter 4: Splashback
Written for the spn_bigpretzel DEW challenge at Live Journal: Meg + fish
“Careful, Dean,” Meg sneered. “Wouldn’t want to harm this pretty blonde meat-suit.”
“This won’t hurt her much.” He upended the bucket of holy water over her and waited for the smoke. Instead, her jeans split along the seams revealing scaly flesh. “What the hell - ?”
“You boys have really screwed up this time,” Meg bitched as fins unfurled from beneath the denim and, finally, a full tail flip-flopped against the floor.
“She’s a fish!” Tom Hanks opined from the TV.
Dean blinked awake and reached for the remote. “Man, I gotta stop watching old chick-flicks at night,” he muttered.
Chapter 5: RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION
I had nothing for the DeW challenge this week, but
posted the above pic on Live Journal with the fic prompt: "I now have a mighty need for this "passive-aggressive letter writer is annoyed by the guests in 112B" fic"
Of course, I couldn't resist!
Tuesday: to the occupants of apartment 112B
Hello, we do hope your exorcism was successful last night. We do ask as a courtesy to us and the other neighbors on this floor that you limit expelling demons to Friday and Saturday nights. Thank you in advance.
Wednesday: to the occupants of apartment 112B
Hello again, we trust your vampire issue had a satisfactory outcome. Please remember, however, that the smell of skunk cabbage can be offensive to residents with allergies and other olfactory sensitivities. Also, you may have forgotten our recycling practices. It would be helpful if, in future, you could ensure that decapitated heads are disposed of in the bin for biodegradable material.
Thursday: to the occupants of apartment 112B
When applying for your subscription, is it possible that you inadvertently neglected to mention that your address is 112 B? Your magazine was mistakenly left in our mailbox. We hope you enjoy your issue of “Busty Asian Beauties”.
Friday: to the occupants of apartment 112B
When entertaining your angelic friends, could you please ask them to observe our guidelines on noise pollution and maximum reasonable decibel levels. Several residents have reported breakages and interference with their television viewing.
Saturday: to the occupants of apartment 112B
After some discussion at a meeting of the residents, it was agreed that we feel unable to share the cost for the removal of blood stains from the carpet in the entryway. We must ask that you bear full responsibility, and enclose the invoice from Crowley’s Moonlight Cleaning Services which we trust you will settle at your earliest convenience.
Sunday: to the occupants of apartment 112A
My brother and I would like to apologize for any and all inconvenience caused while ridding your neighborhood of supernatural predators and making it safe to live in for fine upstanding citizens like yourself. Regrettably, circumstances dictate that we must leave this charming residence tonight, but we hope you will accept the enclosed parting gift of a lucky rabbit’s foot by way of recompense.
Yours, with due respect, The Winchesters.
Chapter 6: Back in . . .
Written for the spn_bigpretzel DEW challenge at Live Journal: a female character and Dean Winchester.
His hand glided lovingly over the familiar lines of her body. His touch was warm and intimate and, as his eager fingers reached for her, she opened easily for him. He moved inside her, feeling her warm and supple embrace as he seated himself against her, and he breathed a soft, quiet sigh of satisfaction.
Sam coughed. “Are you sure you two don’t need some alone time?” he asked.
Dean scowled back at him then leaned forward and gave the dash a soothing, conciliatory pat. “Don’t you listen to him, baby,” he said. “He still doesn’t understand us.”
"OH MY GOD!" Dean rolled around on the bottom of the deck, clutching frantically at his groin. "It's agony! It's freakin' AGONY!"
"OK, well hold still or I can't help you!" Sam yelled back.
"Let's take a vacation," Dean had said. "We'll ‘borrow’ a yacht and cruise the Carribean. It'll be fun!" Dean had said.
Turns out there's all manner of evil lurking in the depths of the ocean and they were just as busy now as they ever were on dry land. Sam was researching how to kill Leviathan lobsters when they were attacked by demonic crabs, and a particularly ferocious specimen had sunk its claws into the front of Dean's speedos.
"Do something, Sam! Get it off! Get it OFF me!"
Sam raised the salt gun.
"Not like that!" Dean screamed. "NOT LIKE THAT!"
Chapter 8: One of us . . . is lying . . .
A bonus drabble inspired by the Entertainment Weekly cover shoot interview.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
“Mind if I use your bathroom?”
“Sure. You know where it is.”
He loped up the stairs and along the corridor then dodged into the master bedroom and through to the en-suite. Opening and closing cabinet doors, he hastily riffled through the assorted bottles and tubes. He was troubled by occasional stabs of guilt when his questing fingers lit on odd inappropriate items, but he wasn’t interested in those.
He startled at the sound of a nearby footfall, hurriedly snapped a cupboard door shut and turned just as the bathroom door opened.
Their faces both wore frozen expressions, one of shock, one of shame.
“The guest bathroom’s down the hall, Jared.”
“I got turned around, Dan,” Jared explained, scratching awkwardly at the back of his neck. “Sorry.” But as he fled from the room he thought he caught the ghost of a knowing smile at the corners of Danneel’s lips. She knew, as did Jared, that Jensen had to have a bottle of Grecian 2000 stashed somewhere!
Inspired, in particular, by this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc3J5uxrimw :P
Chapter 9: Hell on Wheels
The rules of “Hell on Wheels” are simple: last one in the car wins it. Sam and Dean laughed so hard when they heard about it.
Written for the DeW Special Challenge: Place one or more Supernatural characters of your choice in a reality show.
Sam blinked awake as the opening chords of “Highway to Hell” assaulted his ears for the fortieth time that week. There were 2000 tracks on the Ipod but Dean only seemed able to find AC/DC.
“Welcome to the new Winchester motel,” Dean greeted him cheerily and passed him a beer. “We don’t have cable, but we still have room service.”
Sam tapped the small screen embedded in the back of the passenger seat. “Actually, I think we might have cable. If you just let me in the front for a bit I might be able to find the – “
“No chance in hell, Sammy.”
Sam sighed. Reaching up, he pressed a button in the roof panel and the sky-light opened with a smooth electronic whirr. The fresh air barely made a difference to the rankness in the vehicle’s interior, but it helped a little.
“This car does have some great features,” he observed.
“Yeah, but I miss the bench seat,” Dean retorted, pressing a button that gently lowered his back rest until Sam’s legs were crushed beneath it.
Sam sighed again, closed the roof once more, and let one rip.
The radio station manager approached the show producer. “Any change?” he asked tersely.
“Not since they drove the other contestants out of the car in the first few hours. Now they just seem to be getting comfortable.”
“They’re not arguing at all?”
“Oh, they’re arguing all the time! Just doesn’t seem to bother them.”
“How long’s it been now?”
The manager clicked his teeth in frustration. “Check with the lawyers. See if we can stop feeding them,” he snapped. “And take away the beer!”
Dean was trying to open the sky-light but Sam had managed to get a foot out from under the seat and had it wedged in his brother’s face instead. “Have you thought about what the hell we’re going to do with an extra car when we win it?” he asked conversationally while he resisted Dean’s efforts to reach the roof panel.
“When I win it, you mean,” Dean insisted through clenched teeth as he tried not to gag.
“Or, I win.”
“Dream on, Bitch.”
Sam waggled his toes. “Jerk.”
Chapter 10: For the record . . .
Written for the spn_bigpretzel DEW challenge at Live Journal: Balthazar + string
“Honestly, I thought you’d be pleased.” The angel raised his hands theatrically. “I mean, don’t you ever get tired of Texans always claiming theirs is bigger?” He rolled his eyes. “The biggest oil wells, the tallest buildings, largest hats, biggest ball – ”
“As a Kansas lad yourself, I thought you’d appreciate a few extra inches, just to settle – ”
“Change it back!” Sam’s face was a picture of moral indignation.
“You heard my brother.” Dean didn’t really get it. Admiring the impressive erection, he couldn’t help sympathizing with the dick angel’s argument. So what if it had had a little . . . ah . . . heavenly augmentation? But if Sam demanded authenticity, Dean would back his play.
Balthazar sighed expansively. “Oh, very well.”
The monument shrank visibly before their eyes and as the angel vanished with a petulant flutter Sam relaxed, apparently satisfied in the knowledge that Cawker City, Kansas was still the home of, supposedly, the second largest ball of twine in the continental US.
Chapter 11: Man and the Moon
A new point of view can make a world of difference.
Written for the spn_bigpretzel DEW challenge at Live Journal: The Man in the Moon.
He once compared his possession with being chained to a comet but, today, the angel was still – for he knew not how long – face turned toward a distant blue-green sphere. Awed by the radiant beauty hung against the jeweled darkness, for once, Jimmy didn’t curse the feathered glory that made him tenant in his own body.
It was a new perspective. From here one might admire God’s creation distanced from those who live and suffer on the ground. But since Castiel was made to wallow in the mire and blood his perspective, also, has changed.
Now angel and vessel are one, united in sympathy with those brothers who love the world enough to fight for it, just as it is.
Chapter 12: Character Bleed 2
Challenge/Prompt: spn_bigpretzel DeW: domesticity - a sequel to Character Bleed (chapter 3)
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Sam was disconcerted on entering his room to find Dean there, wearing overalls and covered from head to foot in light flecks. His gaze flicked between the roller in his brother’s hand and the half-painted walls.
“Dean . . . what are you doing?”
“Your room needed a make-over. It’s positively Spartan.”
“Uh . . . any particular reason you chose baby-pink?”
Dean glanced at the paint tin. Sam could tell from his confused expression he was hard-pressed for an answer, but he recovered quickly. “Just seemed like the right color for you, somehow,” he insisted, grinning.
A/N: written in honour of Jared's announcement about Gen's news :)
Chapter 13: Life Lesson
Challenge/Prompt: spn_bigpretzel DeW: nudity
“Hey! You said art class was a good way to meet girls.”
“This isn’t what I had in mind!”
Dean didn’t know what his brother was complaining about. It looked to him like the ladies in this class were plenty interested in the new guy. “Anyway, break’s over,” he pointed out. “Back on your pedestal, princess.”
Sam glared, climbed on the podium, struck a pose, and dropped his robe – to a chorus of audible gasps from the female students . . . and a couple of the men.
Dean studied his palette. “I’m gonna need more red,” he observed.
Chapter 14: The First Lady
Challenge/Prompt: spn_bigpretzel DeW: Sam, Dean and Britain
“Wow! Did you see this car?”
“See it?” Sam shook his head. “I can’t look away. And I’m trying,” he added.
“Wow.” Dean gazed admiringly at the proud, classic lines of the vintage Rolls Royce. “I’m not normally a fan of the British gentry, but you’ve gotta admit they have style. I mean, that is really . . . ”
“Yeah, but it’s – “
“Really, really pink.”
“Yeah, but it’s actually pretty fabulous. And it knows it.” Dean indicated the number plate.
Chapter 15: It's 5 o'clock in the morning . . .
Written for the spn_bigpretzel 5th Birthday Bash, and the DEW challenge "It's 5 o'clock" and inspired by Godley and Creme's song "Five O'clock in the Morning"
My thanks to JJ1564 who has created a wonderful song picspam to accompany my parody at http://spn-bigpretzel.livejournal.com/1043730.html, and to Godley and Creme whose original song can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-3z2FdJXSo
It's 5 o'clock in the morning
and I could be in a bed,
so I’m wond’ring why I’m in Texas hunting something that’s undead.
But the monster’s open for business
and 5-oh’s eyes are closed,
so it’s up to us
or the teenage twink is toast.
Opening up the weapons cache
and loading up the guns
while all across the world
there’s people buttering their toasted buns
and our battle with
the Jekylls and the Hydes has just begun.
It's 6 o'clock in the morning.
I’m only half awake.
The other half is dreaming
of a nice thick juicy steak as something
slithers out of the bathroom
and Sam yells in my ear
“Get up!” “Dean!” “Get out of here!”
The smell of smoke and rock salt
makes me think of curly fries,
and all the crazy things we’ve done
keep flashing past my eyes.
Then the thing I’m holding
sinks its claws into my thighs.
And it’s on!
Shifting through the gears.
It's 8 o'clock in the morning.
It's been 8 o'clock for years.
But the slimy thing is dusted
and its victims all got out.
And I’m done in.
It's 9 o'clock in the morning.
It’s time for sleepy-bye . . .
but the motel bed is hard and lumpy
and, besides, Sam’s just come in with beer and pie . . .
Chapter 16: Curses Foiled
Dean has problems articulating his frustration.
Written for the Supernatural 100 Challenge: https://www.fanfiction.net/community/Supernatural-One-Hundred-Drabble-Challenge/118244/
Challenge word: flip
“Flip,” Dean complained, then glowered at Sam – like it was his fault.
“Just try to stop saying it.”
“I am trying. Hurry with that counter-spell! Flippin’ witches!”
Sam smirked as he shredded ingredients into the bowl. “It’s kinda poetic justice, Dean. You did call Rowena a b—”
“She is a flip!” Dean launched a frustrated kick at the bed, stubbed his toe and yelled “flip!” then “FLIP!”
Sam finished the incantation and nodded.
“Son of a bitch,” Dean murmured, then grinned and yelled triumphantly “SON OF A BITCH!” He collapsed on the bed with relief.
“Feel better now?”
Chapter 17: Night Crawler
Every family needs a hero.
Written for the Supernatural 100 Challenge: https://www.fanfiction.net/community/Supernatural-One-Hundred-Drabble-Challenge/118244/
Challenge word: creep
Gunfire from Dean’s room brought Sam running, but bullet holes in the walls and floorboards and the sight of his brother standing on the bed were clues there was no immediate cause for alarm.
“Where is it?”
“Under the desk. It’s HUGE! I heard it creep across the floor! I heard it coming, Sam!”
“You don’t think trying to shoot it was an over-reaction?”
“You know the rules: nothing in this room has more legs than me!”
Sam bent down, gently scooped the terrified spider into his hand and carried it outside. It was worth it to glimpse that rare “you’re my hero!” look on Dean’s face.
Chapter 18: Purple Rain
"I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain. I only wanted to one time to see you laughing. I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain." Prince, "Purple Rain".
This week's DEW prompt was 'purple', while the SPN100 Challenge word was 'storm'. So, obviously . . .
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Rain hammered the window while Prince crooned from the juke box.
“How many apocalypses has it been now?” Buffy asked.
“Must be at least nine,” Angel confirmed, “and I helped –”
Iron Man prodded his shawarma. “Me and my friends have saved the world a lot. Once I nearly died.”
“Hey, I died twice!” Buffy objected.
Dean indicated himself. “Hundreds of times. And I went to Hell.”
“How many times?” Angel asked innocently.
“We saved the Galaxy!” Star-Lord boasted. “And we’re gonna do it again!”
Dean frowned and quietly asked Sam, “explain the raccoon to me again.”
A/N: also inspired by Prince’s explanation of his song, as quoted on Wikipedia, and with a nod toward HISHE’s hero café on youtube.
Chapter 19: Trixanne
The play's the thing! In which Gabriel casts the brothers in his own private performance of a French classic.
This week's DEW prompt was 'the Trickster/Gabriel and any famous book', while the SPN100 Challenge word was 'nose'. Thus . . .
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Gabriel (on balcony wearing girly nightdress): You speak badly! Go away! You don’t love me!
Dean (below, prompted by Sam): To accuse me! Heavenly creature! Of no longer loving when (grimaces) I love you more!
Sam (reading from play text): Love grew within rocked in my anxious soul which, cruel boy, it took for a cradle!
Dean: I’m not saying that! It’s frickin’ humiliating!
Sam: You’re humiliated! Look and tell me what exuberance I can have with this protuberance!
Dean (studies the long, pointed nose Gabriel has given Sam and shrugs): I can’t see any difference.
Text (italicized) from Edmond Rostand’s Cyrano De Bergerac, translated by A. S. Kline for “Poetry in Translation”, and from the 1990 movie version starring Gerard Depardieu
Chapter 20: Massive Oversight
Dean fails to give enough weight to his baby's warnings.
Written for the DEW prompt, the Impala and gravity, anf the SPN 100 challenge, dense.
The boys were excited to be hunting a mountain troll since they were thought to be long extinct. Sam even insisted on keeping the body to study its unique physiology. Trolls have exceptionally high bone and muscle density; despite being an immature specimen only four feet high, it took both brothers to lift its weight into my trunk.
Dean can be a little dense himself sometimes, but it's unlike Sam to overlook a detail that's related to the creature's mass: trolls turn to stone when exposed to sunlight. And I think both may have forgotten the trunk still has bullet holes from last week's hunt. I tried to warn them: I was shamefully slow to start and misfired repeatedly driving down the mountain pass, but Dean missed the hint until the sudden extra weight at dawn dragged my back wheels off the road.
Now, as I desperately try to maintain balance, rocking precariously over the edge of the precipice, I think we all appreciate the gravity of the situation.
Chapter 21: One For The Road
Written for the DEW challenge in honour of Sam's birthday, and the SPN100 prompt words "road" and "trip".
Sam tipped back his beer chaser, rocked backwards and hurriedly gripped the bar. “OK, time to go.”
“Don’t throw in the towel, yet, Sammy! It’s your birthday!” Dean insisted, adding cajolingly “just one for the road.”
Sam sighed. “Just one.”
Grinning wickedly, Dean produced a glass of varicolored liquids, umbrellas and plastic monkeys. “Chug, chug, chug,” he recited quietly, lifting the straw to his brother’s lips, growing ever louder as Sam’s cheeks gradually hollowed and his eyes crossed.
Outside, watching Sam trip over the kerb and face-plant on the tarmac, Dean wondered idly if that’s where the expression came from.
Chapter 22: Meat
It is said, of the five senses, smell is most connected to memory.
Written for the SPN100 challenge: Fire.
Warning: This one isn't funny.
Flames flutter like wings whip dark yellow orange at sputtering tips black and blue rock back and forth below. Mummy body white wrapped shroud singeing black in strips. Like marshmallow.
“Did he say anything to you? About anything?”
Wind changes. Inhaling smoke and cooked meat. Familiar smell. Most linked to memory.
Fire rolls like waves over ceiling. Mom drowns in yellow sea. Woman in white and red then black. “Now, Dean! Go!” Roast dinner smell. Sunday barbecue.
“Hey, Dean!” Grinning, Sid hands him a beer. “We eating soon, buddy?”
“Another minute.” He grins back, and turns the steaks.