Work Text:
The subjects for the experiment, a box of Peeps marshmallow candies, were provided by Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c was responsible for firing the zat'ni'ktel. Colonel O'Neill assisted in the disposal of experimental subjects after testing was complete.
Phase 1: zat'ni'ktel fired once
After a single shot from the zat'ni'ktel, the Peeps were warm to the touch. Experimental testing suggested a slight softening in internal consistency and a mild ozone aftertaste described by Colonel O'Neill as "lightning-y." Attempts to determine whether the Peeps were stunned or not failed due to a general lack of responsiveness on the part of subjects in the control group.
Phase 2: zat'ni'ktel fired twice
After two shots from the zat'ni'ktel, the Peeps were in flames, and continued burning until reduced to a consistency best described as "bubbly." The experimenter felt it was unwise to taste the experimental subjects after this phase of the experiment, but Colonel O'Neill consumed one of them anyway, with evident enjoyment. The Peeps were pronounced dead on the basis of an absence of vital signs, although by that measure the control group also experienced an unexplained 100% mortality rate.
Phase 3: zat'ni'ktel fired three times
After three shots from the zat'ni'ktel, the remaining experimental subjects were effectively disintegrated. However, by this point in the experiment, the control group of subjects could not be located to confirm their condition. All experimental assistants denied knowledge of their whereabouts, although the only one of them the experimenter feels is entirely trustworthy in this respect is Teal'c, who expressed the opinion at multiple times during the experiment that Peeps were not, by the generally-accepted standards of most intelligent species, actually a food.
The results of the experiment suggest that while zat'ni'ktel fire is of questionable utility in preparing Peeps for human consumption, it would prove effective in defending the SGC should Peeps ever be effectively weaponized.
Note from General Hammond, appended:
I'm sure we'll all sleep better at night knowing that. Now will you all please get back to work? And if you ever have this much time on your hands again, you are hereby directed to save some of the "control group" for me.