Whoever You'll Be Tomorrow Podfic
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Audio Diary Entry #1
All right, so, I’m starting this up, gonna give this a try. Makes me feel kinda silly to be talking to a computer, though. But apparently the idea is that talking to a recording can help you . . . not feel so nervous. I dunno, maybe it’s because I just don’t like therapists. Never really believed in counseling. What do you need a therapist for when you got friends, you got family, you got people who care? Why should you talk to a computer recording when you could just call up a buddy? [silence] But you know what, I guess that’s not working for me right now. And at this point I’ll try anything. So the shrink says, record yourself talking about your day, doesn’t have to be big, just say whatever you’re thinking about whatever dumb shit you’re doing.
So. I got out of bed today. Took a shower, which is like a triumph for me now I guess. Ate food. I forget what. Then I did this talking thing because my next appointment is this afternoon and I was supposed to be making these recordings all week. But I figure if I at least do one then it’s done. So. That was my day. The end. Don’t think this is gonna cure me.
Audio Diary Entry #2
All right, so, it’s June 10th. The shrink says I should put dates on these so that I can come back to them later. I can’t really imagine jamming out to myself describing my breakfast, but whatever. So it’s June 10th, 2008, and I got back from my second tour of duty three months ago, and it’s . . . Jesus, it’s four in the morning. Figured I’d try talking myself to sleep.
Now I don’t know what to say.
Hi Sam, it’s your mother. I emailed and I sent a text and I didn’t hear back from you, so I thought I’d try the phone. We miss you, honey. We were wondering if you’d be there tomorrow for the barbecue. You always loved the Fourth of July. And it’s been so long since you’ve been in the country for the holiday! You know your daddy’s already got the meat marinating. Remember that year you ate so many ribs you fell asleep on the patio? We were just talking about that the other day. Anyhow. We miss you. I guess I already said that. Give me a call, baby.
Hey bud, it’s Brooks. I know you haven’t been coming out with us that much lately, that’s cool, but wanted to let you know that we all miss you. I dunno, Fernandez was thinking that maybe you’re not drinking anymore? So maybe we could meet for coffee or something instead of drinks. Whatever works for you, man. Hope you’re okay. I’m free all weekend if you want to get together, so gimme a call. Love you buddy.
Audio Diary Entry #3
It’s . . . July 24th. I had to check there. 2008 still. Time hasn’t been moving that fast. I guess I’ve been letting this diary get away from me. I tried listening to the old ones and, Jesus. My shrink says I’m making progress. I don’t really see it. It’s hard to . . . remember the person I used to be, before . . . everything. Riley. Everything I saw. It’s like there’s this image of a guy who I used to be, but I don’t remember being him. Or how to get back to him. I guess the shrink would say I don’t gotta get back to him. But I want to. [silence] So that’s where I am on July 24th of 2008. Also I had really shitty takeout Chinese for dinner, like, a new low for takeout food. Don’t know how any man’s supposed to heal on this kind of diet.
Audio Diary Entry #4
Okay it’s July 25 th . I’m making a plan today: audio diary every morning, go running with Brooks , fix myself breakfast, go to the Florida Avenue Market , look up some jobs to apply for, apply for them, get shit together. No reason my new life can’t start today. First step is running, so I’m gonna go do that. Nothing to stop me.
Hey Sam. It’s Brooks. Thought we were gonna meet at the Lincoln Memorial this morning for our run? Get me back.
Audio Diary Entry #5
September 4 th . [silence] I just listened to that last diary that I made back in July. Who the fuck was that guy who made that entry. I don’t know that guy. [silence]
Okay. So, try some positive self-talk, right? Positive self-talk. I been getting better at calling people back. I been getting better at getting out and running. I don’t do it every day, though. [pause] Shit. Okay. Flip that around. I do it lots of days every week. I call my Momma a lot more than I used to, and she’s been cooking me food so I don’t gotta do it all myself. I been making strides.
I been getting better. Not all at once. [silence] Anyway I guess that’s it for now.
Sammy, hey, it’s Terrence. Just calling to say it was a blast running into you yesterday. I’m . . . it was really good to see you. Yeah. Man, I just . . . I . . . I appreciate you helping me out, there, too. I dunno, some of that stuff you said. It was . . . I never had nobody put it that way to me before. And since I got back Stateside I been really struggling, man. So I appreciate that. And I guess I was wondering if you could, uh, give me the name of your therapist. Seems like he’s doing a lot of good for you.
Audio Diary Entry #6.5
It’s October 10 th , 2008. I ran into an old friend of mine from PJs. We talked a lot, and I guess whatever I said had an effect on him. I just – I think I just told him about how I’ve been doing, how I’ve been dealing. Tried to be honest about it. I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I’m nowhere, like I’m right back where I was when I got back. Or worse, like I’m still diving for the ground, moving as fast as I can, just to find Riley’s body, cuz I already know he’s dead and there’s nothing I can do. They say you never hear the one that gets you but I heard the one that got him, still hear it sometimes, and I wonder if I’ll ever stop hearing it.
But talking with Terrence, that was something. He wasn’t there to help me, not like the therapists and doctors. He needed help. It was something, to be able to help him out a little. I dunno. Maybe I should try those group counseling sessions that the shrink’s been recommending. If it’s like that, maybe it’s worth doing.
[This next set of entries can fade in and out, we’re only hearing excerpts of them]
Audio Diary Entry #6
. . . November 5 th , went running, got some nice strawberries at the . . .
Audio Diary Entry #7
. . . but I don’t know if I can. Anyway I’ll ask him next time I see him, next week, on the 30th I think . . .
Audio Diary Entry #8
. . . December 20 th . I wanna talk about how fucked up Christmas is. Listen, Christmas is fucked up. [sigh] But I gotta go out and get something for Gideon, that asshole gives me enough shit about some of the presents I’ve given him as it is. So. I gotta go out.
But Christmas is fucked up. I feel like there’s a lot of . . .
Audio Diary Entry #9
. . . New Year’s, and I’m feeling FINE! Met a guy at a party, got laid, and life ain’t so bad. Been a while since I done that. I’m gonna . . .
Audio Diary Entry #10
. . . February 27th, it’s been February for fucking ever. I hate my fucking job. I hate everything I do.
Audio Diary Entry #11
. . . what Mom says, and God help me Brooksie agreed with her, so if those two are together on something you know I’m gonna haveta knuckle under eventually. The application process is kind of overwhelming, though, and I think I’d feel . . .
This is a message for Samuel Wilson. It’s Theodore Snell calling you back, from the School of Social Work at Howard University. I understand that you have some questions and wanted to talk with someone one on one about coming into the program as a mature student. I wanted to assure you that our program is quite diverse, and that a lot of people come to social work later in life; looking over your application materials, I think you’d be quite comfortable here, Mr. Wilson. You can give me a call back at . . .
Audio Diary Entry #12
October 12 th , 2009. I can’t believe how far I’ve come. How different I feel. I never really cared about school one way or another, back when I went the first time, but this stuff . . . I guess it just speaks to me. I’m learning so much and I’m itching to get out there in the community and start doing the work, y’know? Yeah, you know. You know. It’s been a long time I been missing this. Helping people.
Samuel Thomas Wilson, I have just gone out into my back garden and seen the mess you and your brother got up to. I swear to God, it’s like neither of you ever grew past the age of twelve. I would threaten to tell your father if I weren’t so damned embarrassed that my two grown sons are still entertaining themselves by rearranging the garden figurines into lewd positions. Please remember what happened last time you two tried to start a prank war with me, Samuel. It did not end well for you. Keep that in mind. [pause] Also, thank you for the pie you brought over, honey, it was delicious. Don’t tell your Auntie May, but it was the best pastry I’ve ever tasted. Never mind the social work, you oughta open up a bakery! And it really cheered us all up, I think. We been struggling since your Uncle passed. [pause] But you better not do that to the figurines again and you better pick up the phone the next time I call!
Audio Diary Entry #13
June 23 rd , 201 3 . Another nightmare. Always seem to come when the weather is hot, when I’m already sweating in my sleep. Third one this week, and they’re getting worse. I got myself a glass of milk, gonna talk it out, then maybe fall asleep in front of ESPN. [pause] What I remember most is this sense of paralysis. Not being able to move. That’s the common thing in all of them, that I can’t move, or speak, or scream. I want to, but I can’t. In this one, I was . . . I was just watching. And in front of me, I saw . . .
Audio Diary Entry #14
June 25 th , 201 3 . I’m gonna go for a run, make breakfast, get to work. I’m running t hree group counseling sessions today, so I’m gonna be worn out. But then this evening Brooks is getting everyone together for drinks. I sometimes feel uncomfortable with those guys, all the reminiscences and shit. Sometimes I think it takes me back to dwell in the past too much. Other times I’m thinking, well, you’re supposed to acknowledge the past and not avoid it, right? I always miss them when I don’t see them, though. I’m gonna keep reminding myself of that so I don’t chicken out and stay home.
Audio Diary Entry #15
July 26 th , 201 3 . I’m gonna go for a run, fix myself breakfast, get to work. Then I got that cooking class that mom signed us both up for. I can’t decide if it’ll be a disaster or be the best thing I ever did in my life. Gonna find out, though, whether I want to or not.
Audio Diary Entry #16
March 30th , 201 4 . I’m gonna go for a run, fix myself breakfast, get to work. There’s a really cute new intern who I’m definitely not gonna hit on, because he is twenty-three and way too young for me and I am way too responsible for that. But damn. I am gonna think about it. And think about how maybe I oughta be going out and getting laid more often than once every few months. Mom keeps telling me I need to get someone more long-term, but I dunno. I don’t think I’m ready for that. Partnership, that’s a big thing. And if I’m still in a bad place, is that fair, to make someone deal with my shit? So, yeah. Sorry Momma. It’s not gonna happen for a while.
Audio Diary Entry #17
March 31 st , 2014. Since Brooksie can’t come today, I think I’ll switch up my route a little. I t’s starting to feel stale. Do more time around the National Mall. Then I fix myself breakfast and get to work. I’m thinking of starting a new outreach program for LGBTQ vets; right now we got the expertise but no one coming in to take advantage of it. Figure we could start with some booths at different Pride events, maybe a barbecue, I dunno. We gotta get more vets understanding that we’re not gonna kick em out of veteran status for being queer.
Audio Diary Entry #18
Uh, addendum to earlier entry. Because it’s still March 31 st . But I had to tell someone and who the fuck else am I going to tell about this, Audio Diary? Like, no big deal, but I just met Steve Rogers during my morning run. And he was a sassy bastard and ran literal circles around me and good God he’s even finer in person than he is on TV. I don’t know how he’s not getting friction burns from that tight-ass t-shirt but I thank God for it anyway.
I wonder if he’s ever had any veteran s’ counseling.
Audio Diary Entry #19
It’s April 1 st . And I’m starting to feel like I’m the biggest April Fool of all, because holy shit, did I just hallucinate meeting Steve Rogers yesterday? I know I didn’t hallucinate him because no hallucination would dare to smell that good after running however many miles. Ugh, he’s so pretty, and I asked him about his bed, and he walked away. I wonder how obvious you gotta be to flirt with a guy like that. Or, Jesus, what it’d be like to have him in group.
. . . I should probably start separating those two fantasies, though. Just a thought, Wilson.
Audio Diary Entry #20
Another addendum, because of another Steve Rogers sighting. He came to the VA and lemme just say this: it is actually really easy to flirt with that guy. Or else, like, he’s from the 1940s and just smiles at everyone like that? Did white boys smile a lot more in the past? I have no way of finding this out.
Okay. Okay. Get yourself together, Sam. I’m gonna make dinner, call my Momma, clean this place up, be normal. I’m not gonna get lost in stupid fantasies about this cute sassy boy taking me to prom. Because that’s how wholesome those fantasies would have to be, because I would feel bad about anything nakeder. Shit .
Audio Diary Entry #21
April 2 nd , 2014, and I’m not wearing this tight purple thing that Mom got me instead of the usual loose baggy shit I like to run in. I’m definitely not. And if I was, I wouldn’t be doing it in case I saw that cute superhero again.
Okay, I am. But a little fantasy is good for you, right? A little hope. Even if it’s ridiculous. It’s harmless. And I look hot in this purple thing, Mom was right. More of her scheme to get me fixed up with someone. Not too damn likely, Momma.
Hey, Sam, it’s your new friend, we met out jogging the other day. Just thinking I might drop by this morning , if that’s all right. And bring my . . . other friend. I’m very sorry to impose, and I hope it’s not . . . oh, okay, I have to go, apparently. I’m – they could be listening . See you soon, Sam.
Hi Mom and Dad. It’s Sam. I’m just leaving you this because . . . turns out I have to go do something today that I didn’t expect to do. And I wanted to . . . I didn’t want you to worry, but you might not hear from me for a few days, and. Shit. This is gonna scare you, I’m sorry. It’s okay. Everything’s fine. Just . . . delete this, don’t pay any attention to it. Momma, I’m gonna bring you a new pie next weekend, got a new recipe all worked out. I love you both so much. Don’t worry. I’m fine. Uh. Bye.
Hey, Amelia, I guess you’re not in the office yet. I’m really sorry for the late notice but I’m gonna have to call in sick today. Please get someone to cover my group sessions and please try to get someone who isn’t Darryl. I, uh. And thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the years. Don’t worry, I’m fine, but I just was thinking today about how much you did for me, when I first got there, how much you helped me settle into my new career. I’m really grateful for that. When I’m feeling better, I’m gonna take you out for lunch, okay? Talk to you soon.
Audio Diary Entry #22
[ Sam, whispering] I guess we got a little time before we move on Fort Meade to liberate my wings . Maybe I can try to figure out if I’m freaking out or not. I think I’m not. Which, to be honest, is kind of freaking me out. I couldn’t have predicted last week that this is what I’d be doing today, but . . . it’s good. It feels good. Working with a team again. I . . .
[Natasha] What’re you doing?
[Sam] Oh, hey, Natasha. I’m – just recording my thoughts.
[Natasha] Oh yeah, last will and testament kind of thing, reaching out to loved ones? I used to do that.
[Sam] Uh, no. I did that earlier.
[Natasha] Heh. You’re not gonna lose it on us, are you Wilson? You sure you wanna get back into this? We can back out.
[Sam] I’m sure.
[Steve] Hey Nat. Hi Sam. You both ready to go? The guard shift changes in a couple minutes.
[Natasha] Sam’s just recording some thoughts.
[Steve] Letters to loved ones?
[Sam] Just more like . . . a diary. I’ve been keeping it a long time, you know, off and on. This seemed like a significant moment in my life.
[Steve] Huh. And that – it helps?
[Sam] [pause] It . . . helped me. And, you know, you can talk about all the stuff you don’t want to tell anyone else.
[Steve, flirting ] Did you tell your diary about me, Sam?
[Natasha] I’ll just go . . . check on the guard positions. Again. Over there. Out of earshot.
[Sam] Of course I told my diary about you.
[Steve] Can I listen?
[Sam] I’m sure you’d be bored as hell, man.
[Steve] Hmm, would I? You think?
[Sam] I’m just gonna maybe . . . turn this off.
FUCK SAM WAS THAT YOU IN THE SKY? I KNOW FOR A FACT THERE ARE ONLY THREE GUYS IN THE WORLD WHO CAN FLY THOSE WINGS AND ONE OF THEM IS WHITE AND ONE OF THEM IS ME AND JESUS CHRIST WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THEM??? WHAT THE FUCK MAN. WHAT THE FUCK!
Sam? Please pick up, your mother and I are worried. The news reports are saying you were the one in the sky, dodging missiles? Please, son, for the sake of your mother’s health, please tell me that wasn’t you dodging missiles from SHIELD helicarriers on the news. We love you. We hope you’re okay.
Hey Sam, Amelia here. I was going to call and say get well soon, but I’m starting to get the feeling that what you took wasn’t a sick day. Gimme a call, hero, we can work out some leave if you need it.
Audio Diary Entry #23
September 22nd, 2014, and I didn’t get a run in today, but I did chase after HYDRA agents for a couple hours this morning, so that counts, right? And I didn’t exactly fix myself breakfast, but after I got out of the shower I found Steve sitting on this ugly-ass hotel bedspread with bagels and coffee in his hands. I guess I never would’ve imagined that this is where my life was gonna take me, handsome superhero bringing me food. Mind you, I also never imagined that there was work that combined pararescue with veterans’ counseling, but it seems like there is, and I’ve got the perfect skillset to locate the Winter Soldier. So yeah. Things are good. Gonna call my momma later and promise not to do anything stupid. And I’ll probably even keep that promise, so long as Steve doesn’t do anything stupid.
Audio Diary Entry #24
[Sam] September 22 nd , addendum. Steve definitely did something stupid. And therefore so did I. But I don’t think it’ll make the news, so I’m not gonna mention it when I call home.
[Steve, from across the room] You doing your diary again, Sam?
[Sam, raising his voice to be heard] Just recording for posterity that it’s you who drags me into dumbass situations every damn day.
[Steve, voice getting closer] All my biographies call that leadership . I’m a natural leader , Sam.
[Sam] All your biographies forgot that you’re also an insufferable asshole.
[Steve, laughing] Ah, but you concede the natural leader part.
[Sam] I concede nothing. Let history be our judge.
[Steve] Okay. If you insist.
[Sam] I’ll just – let me turn off the recording, if you’re going to –
[Steve] You don’t want this recorded?
[Sam, laughing] As hot as that might be, what if someone hacked into my laptop? I’ll delete this part, and –
[Steve] I wouldn’t mind.
[Sam] Okay, I’m gonna turn this off, and then you’re gonna put your shirt back on, and we’re gonna talk about that.
[Sam] Hey, Momma. I, uh, was hoping to catch you before you went to your church group. But I wanted to let you know that I’m bringing Steve by for dinner again on Sunday, and we’ve got something we want to tell the family. Something — it’s good news. So, if you can make sure everyone’s there, and this time tell them in advance that Captain America’s coming with me so we don’t have any surprises like with Auntie May last time. And . . . I love you. And I love Dad, and Gideon, and everyone, and I’ll . . . I’ll see you Sunday. Steve and I will see you Sunday. Uh. Bye.
Interview – NPR’s Fresh Air
[Terry Gross] . . . that was Senator John Bridgeman, discussing the overreach of superheroes on the Senate floor last week. If you’re just joining us, today we’re interviewing Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America, and Sam Wilson -
[Sam] - not very known as The Falcon.
[Terry] Sam, Steve, what would you like to say in response to Senator Bridgeman, who has been critiquing the actions of American superheroes for the past several months?
[Steve] Well, speaking for myself, I’ve been in the business for a very long time, since before the Senator was born. There’s a role for us. It makes sense for that role to be limited by the government, for us to be answerable to justice . But we have these abilities, and all we want to do is use them for good.
[Terry] Sam? Would you agree with your partner? Your superhero partner, I should say?
[Sam] I would definitely agree with him. I joined up in the first place, I became a pararescue, I became a counselor, all because I wanted to give something back. And it’s not like it was always easy, you know? But every time I thought I had nothing more to give, there was something more being asked of me, that made me rise up to the occasion . And that’s how superheroing is too, it’s something that’s asked of us that we have the ability to give. People out there who need our help, need the things we have to offer.
[Steve] That was really beautifully put, Sam.
[Sam] And, to go to your other point, Terry, it’s boyfriend.
[Terry] Sorry, what was – what?
[Sam] You called us superhero partners, but the term generally used in our industry, you know, in reference to these kinds of relationships, is boyfriend.
[Terry] Wow. So, are you saying that –
[Steve] Forgive me for interrupting, Ms Gross, but the “out of time” lights seem to be flashing.
[Sam] Oh, yeah, we wouldn’t wanna take up more than our allotted time. We’re the polite kind of superheroes. Steve, you wanna do the outro? I think Terry’s got something in her throat.
[Steve] I’d be honored. It used to be a dream of mine to announce for the radio, you know. Ahem. For Fresh Air, I’m Steve Rogers, along with my boyfriend Sam Wilson, and we’ve been hosted by the gracious and insightful Terry Gross. Tune in again tomorrow for . . . probably someone discussing this interview that we’ve just done, and whether I know what the term “boyfriend” means.
[Sam is laughing in the background]
Audio Diary Entry #25
February 3 rd , 2015. Well. I’m definitely getting out a lot more these days.