“I POSSESS THE GREATEST SCROTUM OF THE FROZEN NORTH!” Thor announced exuberantly to the entirety of Asgard, not hesitating to prove the truth of his words by dropping his pants.
“You know, someone should really take Thor's mead away,” Tony said, taking another gulp of his own cup, filthy hypocrite that he was.
Turns out, Asgard was full of mead. Everywhere you looked, someone was always drinking. And if you sat down anywhere, cups full to the brim just seemed to appear. So Steve decided that for once the Avengers could perhaps be allowed to let their hair down. Casting a quick glance at Director Fury emptying what had to be his fifth cup, Steve decided not to think too hard about hair, and went back to witnessing Thor let it all hang out. Literally. Steve wanted to crawl under a rock.
To his left, Freya sat in all her beauty, absently toying with her own cup while watching Thor's antics. “Hm. To be quite honest, I've seen bigger.”
This made Tony crane his head around Steve to catch her attention. “Are you serious? You are. You're actually being serious.”
“Well... she is Freya,” Steve said, instantly regretting it. “My apologies madam, I didn't mean to imply–”
“Now, if were were discussing the length of his manhood, there might be some truth to it,” she plowed on. “I mean, just look at that thing! He's hung like a horse!” She snorted suddenly. “Too bad Loki isn't here. He would know about... horses...”
“I like you,” Tony said to Freya before repeating the statement to Steve. “I like her. Can we visit Asgard again soon?”
“If Thor invites us again, I don't see why not,” Steve said diplomatically, cautiously sipping his mead. Unlike the others, he was still on his first cup. He hadn't managed to actually get drunk since taking the serum, but considering how quickly Thor had gotten to a point where he was naked, flexing and... apparently riding a goat, Steve thought it best to go slow. Very slow, he amended to himself as Thor crashed into a wall, the goat unimpressed but unharmed.
“No, but seriously, who's got bigger nads than Thor?” Tony piped up again. “Really, I wanna know!”
“Well for one–” Freya started but got distracted by Steve facepalming loudly.
“Ugh, Tony, do you have to?”
“Yes, Steve, I have to! And don't be such a Debbie Downer! You've got nothing to worry about. I've seen you in the showers, you could probably give Thor a run for his money!”
“Is that so?” Freya said, a very clear note of interest in her voice.
“Oh yeah,” Tony said proudly, as if they were discussing his own package and not Steve's.
“Tony...” Steve gritted, hoping his deadly intent came through more than his mortification.
“What!? I'm being a gentleman, here! The lady wants to know about you and your assets, and since she's being so nice and hospitable, I don't see why we shouldn't share!”
“Oh, It's easy for you, it's not your... assets she wants to know about!” Steve hissed, hoping Freya didn't hear.
“Oh, I want to know every detail about all you strapping fellows. And your shieldmaiden too,” she added, casting a heated glance at Natasha who was steadily outdrinking Odin at the end of the table.
“You heard the lady!” Tony yelled and got up. “Avengers Assemble!” he belted. “Gather round everybody, it's time for the official Avengers Dick Measuring Contest!”
Clint dropped onto the table with a thump from somewhere above, and threw out his arms. “I'm in!”
“Argh, Barton, please don't encourage him!” Steve groaned.
“I think it's too late for that,” Coulson added dryly, coming up behind Steve and sitting down on the other side of Freya.
To Steve's endless discomfort, the rest of his team seemed just as cruelly eager to make Steve combust from embarrassment. Even Fury trotted over, muttering about how he was “both bald and black. Can't lose, motherfuckers!”
Even Tony seemed a little disturbed by this, which gave Steve some small comfort at least.
“Did I hear talk of a contest?!” Thor boomed and ambled over the to table, still very naked.
“Evidently we're about to measure our equipment,” Bruce said, looking like he was the only one who might agree with Steve that this was a bad idea.
Tony grinned. “All riiight!” He then pulled off part of his arm panel and pushed a few buttons. “So, JARVIS will be the fair and honorable judge of this epic contest. This panel has a scanner, so in a very short time we should know down to the micron which of the Avengers has the biggest dong!”
“I am not letting you measure my... anything!” Steve seethed.
“Don't get your panties bunched, Cap, I won't measure anything. JARVIS will. And I'll even let you do it in private.”
Freya was obviously completely on board with the whole thing, because she immediately called for a few servants to bring her some changing screens. Thor didn't wait for them to arrive, though. Which made sense as he was already naked. He snatched the panel out of Tony's hand and eagerly held it at groin level.
“Ah, excellent, Thor will now demonstrate!” Tony declared.
JARVIS dryly announced the exact length down to the millimeter, and Thor beamed.
“Wow, that one's gonna be tough to beat!” Tony said gleefully. “Who's next?”
Thor handed the panel to Bruce who immediately sent it on to Clint. “I'm not doing it, Tony. Forget it.”
“Aw, come on, Bruce, be a sport! If you want, you can totally get away with using the big guy's measurements! Or you could just argue that you're a grower, not a shower, since you... you know... grow when you go mean and green.”
Bruce looked so utterly unimpressed that Steve thought for a glorious moment that Tony might give in and let him pass. But then Tony lit up. “Oh, hey, keep that up and we might get Hulk's measurements after all! Anyone else wanna poke the bear?”
“Do you really want to know what's in the big guy's shorts, Tony?”
“Maybe I do!”
Their eyes met in a long unblinking battle of wills until Bruce backed down, to Steve's dismay. “Fine. Whatever. You're a 12-year old, Tony, you know that?” he grumbled as he got up and went behind the screens.
“Yep. But I have the best toys, and you know you wanna play with them.”
“Wow, that's gotta be some kinda record for most innuendo in one sentence,” Clint breathed, impressed.
“Not even close to Tony's personal best, I assure you,” JARVIS stated, before announcing the second penis measurement of the night.
Clint eagerly hopped off the table, snagged the scanner and started unzipping before he even got behind the screen. “Wanna join me, snookums?” he yelled from behind the fabric, making Coulson roll his eyes.
“No.” He then turned his gaze to Tony. “And if you try to somehow get me involved in this, you will regret it.”
Tony looked like he wanted to argue for all of five seconds before wisely deciding not to go there.
To Steve's confused surprise, Natasha went next, emerging from the screen with JARVIS announcing a perfectly decent measurement, and the look in her eye dared anyone to ask what she measured.
No one took the risk.
“Looks like it's my turn!” Fury said, stepping behind the screen. As soon as JARVIS provided the measurements Fury went back to where he'd been drinking before, evidently so sure of victory that he lost interest in the game. While his measurements were more than decent, nobody argued when Tony told JARVIS to delete those numbers forever, as soon as Fury was out of hearing range again.
“You're up, Cap!” Tony said, looking as excited as a kid on Christmas morning.
“I'm not doing it, Tony. I'm not!”
“But, Steve! You can't deny a lady her innocent request!” Tony whined, and Steve made the mistake of turning to offer Freya an apology for not being a good sport. Either she had some magic of her own, or Steve's manners were just that ingrained, because just a few bats of Freya's lashes later, and Steve stepped behind the screen with the scanner. He refused to unzip, though. JARVIS informed him that with his suit in the way, the measurements might not be 100% accurate, but obligingly scanned him fully clothed when Steve insisted he didn't care in the least.
“All Avengers accounted for?” Tony asked. “Phil, you're still sure...” he trailed off, Coulson's eyes burning holes right through the armor. “Right, guess I'm bringing up the rear! Prepare to be dazzled, ladies and gentlemen!”
He stepped behind the screen with a flourish, but then stayed there for almost a full minute. They were all treated to sounds of metallic clanging and Tony's annoying yells of “Dammit, JARVIS, I thought we fixed that! Jesus Christ, I could have been circumcised!” followed by JARVIS' sarcastically servile “My apologies, sir, I'll see that it's repaired as soon as we return to base.”
When he finally came back out, JARVIS informed the world that Tony was shorter than Thor, Steve and Bruce, and Steve could have sworn the AI sounded spitefully pleased about it.
“You know what, JARVIS, you could have shown just a little bit of gratitude here and given me an extra inch or something. I created you, in case you've somehow forgotten!” Tony grumbled.
“But sir, you did instruct me specifically to judge this contest fairly and honorably, so I have no choice but to do so.”
“Bullshit, you ungrateful bag of loose circuits!”
"You of course always have the option of disabling me, sir, but it would seem pointless now that the world already knows that you came fourth.”
“I hate you JARVIS.”
“I know, sir.”
“So what's the score, JARVIS?” Clint asked from where he was splayed out on the table, somehow managing not to tip over a single cup or jug. “I kinda lost track after Fury...” he trailed off with a shudder.
“The final results are as follows: If my measurements are correct, Captain Rogers and Thor Odinsson share first place.” Thor's face fell for a moment, but lit up again when JARVIS continued. “However, let it be noted that had girth been taken into consideration, Thor would have won unequivocally.”
“Third place would have been Director Fury, but as I was instructed to disregard his attendance, this rank goes instead to Doctor Banner.”
Bruce looked up from where he'd been distracted by some intricate etchings on his cup, but rolled his eyes when Tony wolf-whistled. “Whatever, Tony.”
“Says the man with the third longest schlong. Typical. Those who got it where it counts never appreciate it.”
“As if that one millimeter makes all the difference,” Bruce scoffed.
“It does when it's my millimeter, Banner!”
“As previously stated,” JARVIS continued, “fourth place goes to Mr Stark, followed by Miss Romanoff in fifth and Mr Barton in sixth.”
“Aw, tough luck there, Barton,” Tony said, not sounding half as sympathetic as his words would imply.
“Hey, it's cool,” Clint said mildly. “After all, it's not about the size, it's about how good your aim is, if you know what I mean.” He waggled his eyebrows at Coulson, who rolled his eyes again, but a smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth, making Steve wonder what might actually be going on between Barton and Coulson. Because something was definitely going on, and someday soon Steve would figure it out.
Thor apparently decided that since the contest was over it was time for more flexing and goat riding, and Steve tried his hardest to look anywhere else than Thor's naked ass while he strode off. Tony might love it here, but if Steve had anything to say about it, they would be out of there sooner rather than later. As good as this experience might be for team building, it absolutely wrecked Steve's peace of mind.
“You can't join over the fucking phone, Rhodey! And you're a liar and a cheat, I've seen you naked!” Tony shouted inside his closed helmet. Steve wondered briefly how the phone could possibly even work on another world entirely, but then remembered it was Tony and stopped being surprised. “When!? Hell if I remember.” Tony continued. “We were drunk and there were strippers, that's all I know. It was awesome, of course.”
Looking around, Steve quietly took stock of his team. Natasha was busy trading heated looks with Freya, while Clint was busy doing the same with Coulson. Bruce was looking around as if he'd forgotten where he was, and Tony kept yelling at Rhodey. Fury was singing, arm in arm with Odin. And somehow they'd exchanged eyepatches.
“MINE IS THE THICKEST MANHOOD OF THE FROZEN NORTH!” Thor bellowed, and rode off on his goat.
Steve resolved then and there never to visit Asgard again.