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Fuckweasel

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When Arthur had said, “You know I’m going to root through your porn, right?” before he took Merlin’s broken laptop for the weekend, it had been a joke. Merlin had said something like, please, like you could find it anyway, and that had been that. But now Merlin’s operating system had been reinstalled and Arthur had genuinely been interested in Merlin’s old English essays, and now he was in the incredibly awkward situation of sitting at his desk watching Merlin’s porn.

Watching Merlin’s gay porn.

He checked a few files to see if maybe it was an accident. Maybe Merlin had clicked the wrong download link ... fifteen times. But every video clip was like the last in that it featured men.

“Ew!” Arthur wailed as one of the blokes shoved the other face first against the bed and spread his arse, leaning in. “Don’t do that!”

He watched through his fingers as the camera zoomed in, and—oh. Arthur didn’t know arseholes could be so ... clean. The bloke’s arse was completely hairless, and Arthur slowly pulled his hands away from his eyes as the other guy drew a long stripe across it with his tongue. It was oddly hot, though Arthur would never do it to anyone, or let anyone do it to him—good god. But they were both really into it. Then the one guy started spitting on the other guy’s hole, and that crossed Arthur’s threshold for grossness, so he closed the window.

There was no logical reason for Arthur to be watching gay porn, seeing as he was straight as they came and thought dicks and balls and guy arse were all in all pretty uninteresting. If anything, he figured it was penance for making Merlin sit through straight porn with him all this time when he clearly wasn’t interested in it.

Arthur felt suddenly too warm when he considered that Merlin may have been watching him. They didn’t wank together or anything, just watched and took the piss out of the shoddy film quality, but Arthur always got hard anyway, and what if Merlin .... No. Arthur mentally kicked himself for being an arse. Merlin was gay, not stupid, and Arthur couldn’t understand why girls were interested in him on the best of days. Merlin, who routinely saw Arthur at his mankiest, would never be attracted to him. No, Arthur was just being a douche, and that was one more reason he needed to sit here and watch Merlin’s porn. He needed to be okay with this. Merlin hadn’t told him, and it was probably because Arthur was a fuckweasel who had said some homophobic shit and made Merlin feel self-conscious.

Well, Arthur was a fuckweasel, but he wasn’t homophobic. He didn’t even think gay porn was gross or anything. Except for the spitting, and they did that shit in straight and girl-on-girl porn, too. He leaned back in his chair and opened another video.

Holy Fuck.

This one was ... it was different. It wasn’t just two men boning their brains out; it started with a kiss. Well, it started with some bad acting followed by a kiss. And fuck if it wasn’t a deep, perfect, erotic kiss. Arthur had never seen anything like this in porn before. It wasn’t wiggly tongues meeting in midair or slobber. It was tender and slow and easy. They fit their mouths together, licked into each other unhurriedly, sucked gently at each other’s lips, and when they moaned into it, it sounded real.

By the time the brown-haired guy had kissed down the blond guy’s body to his cock, Arthur had a distinct hard-on. And his first instinct was to feel weird about it, but then he remembered that Merlin thought he was a homophobic fuckweasel, and he decided to power on rather than doing the macho thing and switching to his own safe stash of girl-on-girl porn. No, he watched the blow job for about two minutes, until he got bored; he was always bored by BJ scenes. But instead of switching vids, he just skipped ahead in this one, because these two wiry, carefully groomed blokes were ... his type. If he had a type when it came to guys. And it seemed that maybe he did.

When he hit play again, the blond guy had his face buried in a pillow while the other guy was going to town licking his arse. They were both moaning and rutting against the mattress, and it was fucking hot. It was hot in a bone-deep, scare-the-shit-out-of you way. All his life, Arthur had thought porn was awkward and gross and only sexy because there were naked people pounding each other. But this—this was artful. These guys were into it. Their dicks were normal-looking, their limbs long and tense, and they moved languidly, like they could take their time and revel in it.

Arthur watched the brown-haired guy lick and suck at the other guy’s hole with his heart in his throat, his hand itching to open his trousers and release some of the pressure. And then they were kissing again, and with a low, deep surge of arousal, Arthur thought he might be obsessed with the way these two men kissed, like they were utterly full of each other, happily drowning in their shared space.

It wasn’t really a conscious thing, Arthur carefully moving Merlin’s laptop from the desk to his bed. He just sort of ended up there, the laptop hot across his thighs. He glanced at his bedroom door to double-check that it was locked and then looked back to the screen, pressing play.

The kiss onscreen went on and on, lips stroking lips, tongues dipping into mouths and retreating, soft, wet noises mingling with moans on top of the cheesy music that did not belong anywhere near these two gorgeous men. The way they touched each other, rolled their hips together—it seemed more truly intimate than anything Arthur had ever seen or experienced. He’d fucked a few girls, but it hadn’t been anything like this. He’d never been kissed into a heady mess of want, had never slowly moved against a partner just for the simple pleasure of feeling their body. This film was driving him fucking nuts.

The blond was on top now, and the camera panned back to show their cocks rubbing together, the brown-haired guy reaching down to take them both in hand as the blond fucked up into his grip. Arthur wondered if that would even feel good, rubbing his cock against someone else’s. It looked like it might be painful. He considered asking Merlin if he’d done it before, and then he was somehow imagining Merlin in the brown-haired guy’s place. And that was the thought that had his jeans around his knees in two seconds flat, which was a new kind of fucked-up, and Arthur was absolutely not going to think about it.

But now he’d started, he could only think of the dark-haired guy as Merlin, and in a shocking turn of utter lunacy, he was imagining himself as the blond guy, kissing down Merlin’s chest, holding his cock aside as he teased, nipped at his hips.

Arthur was frustrated, desperate to see something more than cocksucking, so he skipped ahead until a condom-covered dick was just being pressed into a slicked, waiting hole. It looked like a tight fit as the one guy worked his cock in, inching his way into the other man’s body, groaning as he sunk in deeper. By the time he was buried all the way in, Arthur’s hand was moving roughly over his dick.

But when they panned up to the bottom’s face, Arthur lost interest. The man looked uncomfortable, his face pinched tight and unhappy, so Arthur paused the video and pushed the laptop down to the foot of his bed. He leaned back and wondered if it was always like that, if fucking between two men always meant one of them had to be uncomfortable.

And then an idea hit him, and it was the stupidest fucking idea he’d ever had, but he wanted to know, and he couldn’t very well ask Merlin—Merlin who had trusted him with his computer but not with the truth about his sexuality, and here Arthur had been getting off to Merlin’s hidden gay porn. He was the worst friend ever, truly, but he was also home alone, and he knew—because apparently he had a history of being the world’s most nefarious snoop—where Morgana kept her sex toys.

The walk to her room was full of shame, and he knew he was a fucking terrible person for doing this, but this was important right the fuck now. He grabbed the most dick-like dildo from her collection, a slightly springy thing with fake balls and everything, and snagged the cleaning solution.

Arthur had never even stuck a finger up his arse, and now here he was lying naked on his bed with a bottle of lube in one hand and a fake dick in another, and he had to dig through some more of Merlin’s videos to even figure out how the fuck to make it work.

There was one in the collection that featured elaborate fingering, a long, drawn-out, and suffocatingly hot process of stretching the bloke open while he writhed and moaned, asking for more and getting it slowly. Arthur watched about five minutes and then started over again, leaning back in the bed and slicking up his fingers, determined to keep pace with the film.

It started out sloppy and unexpectedly pleasant, just running his finger over the rim, which was more sensitive than he’d have thought. He sighed into it, playing, teasing, anticipating, and he felt well ready when the guy in the video pressed his first finger in. For Arthur, it went from good to sort of embarrassing and uncomfortable as he slid one slick finger into himself, but he powered on, too curious about why men did this. There had to be more to it, something about the prostate, and Arthur tried to hit the same angles as the guy in the video. By the time he needed to add a second finger, he thought he was almost there.

It was a bit of a stretch, but Arthur was calm and relaxed, so it didn’t really hurt. But it wasn’t really pleasant, either, so Arthur wrapped his other hand around his cock, slipping his fingers around the head and squeezing. He watched the screen carefully as he moved the fingers in his arse, stroking his cock lightly. He still hadn’t got the angle quite right, and the guy on the screen was teasing a third finger. Arthur was just beginning to feel he was hopeless, massaging around the rim with another finger, when a whoosh of cool air stunned him into panic mode.

He whipped his head around, causing the plug of his earbuds to dislodge from the laptop, the sounds of the porn leaking into the room. Of all the people to be standing in his doorway, it had to be Merlin, his bag slung over his shoulder.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Merlin said, his eyes settled murderously on the computer screen, where the one guy was really pounding the other guy’s arse. Arthur wondered if maybe Merlin had managed not to notice Arthur’s current predicament. He slid his fingers out of his arse and pulled his hand away from his cock, slowly grabbing a pillow to cover himself as though any sudden moves would make Merlin realise.

“What are you doing here?” Arthur asked, pulling his earbuds out.

“You told me to come,” Merlin said over the slick, wet sounds of what now looked to be four fingers. “You said I should drop by and get my computer.”

“Oh,” Arthur said, feeling stupid and desperately wanting someone to turn off the fucking gay porn. “How did you get in?”

“You left the door unlocked,” Merlin said, waving a hand through the air. “Both of them.”

“And you just barged in?”

“I assumed if you were doing anything dirty, you’d lock the door!” He had a point there. Arthur had been careless in his curiosity.

“Yeah, come on. Give it to me. I want your whole fucking fist up my arse.”

Arthur glared at the screen just as the guy slipped a thumb in alongside his fingers. Arthur had only been vaguely aware people even did that.

"Oh, fuck, yeah. You like me pounding you with my fist? You like me punching into that arse?”

Arthur wanted to die, he was so embarrassed, and Merlin muttered an irate, “Oh, jesus fucking christ,” as he crossed the room and shut the laptop. He moved the computer to the desk, and his voice was muffled when he said, “God, I really hate you sometimes.”

“I, er ....” Arthur was not at all sure what to say. Merlin turned around and looked at him, his face drawn and tired-looking. In that moment, Arthur didn’t really know who was in a more vulnerable position. Arthur was sitting there naked, mid-wank, but Merlin had just been outed. Arthur was a total fuckweasel—one who desperately wanted to be wearing trousers.

“Listen,” Merlin said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He picked up Morgana’s dildo, and Arthur nearly passed out, humiliation making his cheeks burn. “You want to know if this feels good? It does. But if you just try to stuff it in, you’ll fuck it up and think we poofs are all masochistic bastards.”

“I ... I wasn’t going to just stuff it in,” Arthur said, appalled at how stupid Merlin thought he was. “I was ... working my way up.” He paused. “And you’re not a poof. You’re my friend, and I obviously don’t have a problem with all the ....” He waved a hand in the general direction of the laptop. “All the gay stuff.”

Merlin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with the hand not still holding the dildo. “Okay,” he said, nodding. “Okay. This isn’t a big gay thing. You’re trying to figure out what feels good, and that makes sense. But I know a thing or two about using these, and shut up about it.” Merlin glared at him.

“Not saying anything,” Arthur said, feeling uncomfortably exposed under just the pillow.

“So if you can be not weird about this, I can show you how to do it, and that’ll be—well, I can show you how to do it so you can do it on your own if you want.”

Arthur’s mouth went dry. “Show me?” He imagined Merlin stripping down and using the thing on himself, the dildo slipping between his wide-spread legs, and Arthur’s cock gained back everything it had lost in his embarrassment.

“And then I’ll take my laptop back and we’ll pretend this didn’t happen.”

Arthur knew this was stupid. He was about to watch his best mate fuck himself on a fake cock, and the fact that that made Arthur want to crawl out of his skin with arousal was a bad, bad sign. But he shrugged anyway and said, “Okay.”

He thought it was weird when Merlin poured lube into his hand before even taking off his trousers, but then Merlin was pulling the pillow off of Arthur, and Arthur realised what Merlin had meant when he’d said he was going to show Arthur how to do it. And suddenly things were not so okay.

“Let’s see how well you did,” Merlin said like he was reading over Arthur’s physics exam and not pressing his fingers behind his balls. The first touch was electrifying, the feeling of someone else touching him there infinitely more intense than his own hand had been.

“Jesus,” Arthur said, voice shaky, as Merlin slipped two fingers in. Merlin’s fingers were narrower and longer than Arthur’s and fucking perfect for this. Where Arthur’s touch had been blunt and awkward, Merlin’s was smooth, the pulsing motion inside him sucking the air out of his lungs.

“Not bad,” Merlin said. “But not ready. I’m gonna add another, okay?”

Arthur nodded and then threw his head back. He flung an arm over his eyes and just focused on breathing as another of Merlin’s fingers teased at him and then entered. It burned at first, but Merlin’s other hand against Arthur’s thigh soothed him through it, and the movement became easy.

“When you were doing this before, did you hit your prostate?” Merlin asked, his fingers working at Arthur.

“I don’t think so,” Arthur said, face hot.

“Okay, I’m gonna try. Let me know if it’s too much.”

Arthur held his breath, terrified. If he liked Merlin up his arse this much without the prostate, what the fuck would it be like when he hit it? It was all a bit clinical and awkward with Merlin sitting there talking like this was a science experiment, but then his fingers seemed to sort of curve and then his thrusts into Arthur’s arse seemed a bit more purposeful, and then—

“Fuck!” Arthur shouted as Merlin hit his target.

“Too much?” Merlin asked, easing off.

“No,” Arthur said too quickly. “No, just ... surprising.”

“You, er ....” Merlin’s voice croaked a bit, and he cleared his throat. “You want more of that?”

Arthur couldn’t believe he had to answer, but he wanted Merlin to do it again badly enough that he managed to whisper, “Yeah.”

Arthur peeked down and watched Merlin reposition himself on the bed, settling on his knees between Arthur’s spread legs. Arthur hadn’t realised how wanton he looked until he saw Merlin occupying the space he’d left open to him. And it made Arthur want things, things that involved Merlin moving between his knees, and god, it couldn’t be helped if he hitched his hips a bit, needing more of Merlin’s fingers.

“Jesus,” Merlin said under his breath, and Arthur wondered if he was getting off on this—hoped he was. Merlin leaned on his free hand and then started pumping into Arthur, fingers angled such that they pressed against Arthur’s prostate on every thrust, making him mindless with pleasure. Arthur held back the noises trying to slip from his mouth, only his harsh, perforated breathing cutting through the still air.

“Do you like that?” Merlin asked, and his voice was low.

“Yeah.”

“You want more?”

Arthur thought he might lose consciousness, but he wanted it anyway. “Yes.”

“You think you’re ready?” Merlin’s fingers massaged against Arthur, and Arthur was pretty sure Merlin was fucking dirty-talking him, and he did not ever want him to stop doing that.

“I’m ready,” Arthur said.

“Okay. Slick this up.” Merlin slid the lube and dildo up the bed and kept thrusting his fingers, and Arthur was beyond protest. He slathered the dildo with lube and then handed it to Merlin between his legs, the toy purposefully positioned just above his own cock. He wanted Merlin to look at him, to see how hard he was, and to want him.

“This might hurt at first,” Merlin said. “If it hurts too much or you just want to stop, tell me, and it’s done, okay?”

“Okay.” Arthur gasped as Merlin slid his fingers out and pressed the tip of the toy against him instead.

“Gonna start slow,” Merlin said. “You have to tell me if you want something different.”

The toy slowly began to breach him, and it was more painful than any of the fingers had been, but Merlin’s other hand rubbed soothing circles against his hip, and he wanted to know if it got better than this. He breathed slow and deep as Merlin pushed in. It went from a sharp pain to a dull one, and it was then that Merlin started thrusting the toy shallowly, piercing him more deeply on every thrust.

Arthur’s eyes shot open as Merlin’s knuckles brushed the crease of his hip, and Merlin was looking up at him with such soft, affectionate eyes that Arthur just wanted to kiss him. Wanted to sit up and grab Merlin’s face and kiss him like he’d seen the men in the video do, lingering and exploratory and passionate.

“You’re doing so well,” Merlin said, pulling the toy out a bit and thrusting back in. “God, you’re taking it so well.”

“You said this feels good,” Arthur said, embarrassed of how strained his voice sounded. “You gonna show me how?”

Merlin gave him a slow, dirty grin, and Arthur wasn’t sure what he’d just gotten himself into, but he knew it would be dangerous and fucking wonderful. Merlin began fucking him slowly with the toy, and Arthur hadn’t known there was a feeling like this in the world. The fullness was a unique kind of delight that had Arthur panting, and then Merlin pulled it farther out and angled it, and Arthur completely lost himself. All his carefully restrained groans spilled out into the room as Merlin fucked him.

Arthur looked at Merlin, frenzied with lust, and when he met his eyes, Merlin said, “Fuck. Oh, fuck, is this really happening?”

“What does it ....” Arthur got lost in the sentence, Merlin’s eyes on him making him feverish. “What does it feel like when it’s a real cock?”

Merlin sucked in a harsh breath through his nose like he knew what Arthur was really asking. “I don’t know,” Merlin said. “I’ve never done that before.”

Merlin was leaning up against him now, his jeans chafing against Arthur’s thighs as his hips hitched, following the motions of the toy as though it were his own prick.

“Do you ....” Arthur wanted it. He wanted it so much the idea of it nearly made him come, but he still couldn’t believe he was actually saying this. “Do you want to try it?”

This time it was Merlin who moaned, and Arthur wanted to taste that sound on him, suck it from his lips as Merlin moved against him. “With you?” Merlin said eventually, his cheeks red.

“Just take your fucking clothes off already,” Arthur said, and it turned out he didn’t have to say it twice. Merlin left the dildo where it was and shuffled off the bed. He stomped his socks off as he pulled off his T-shirt, and Merlin’s body was every bit as gorgeous as those guys’ from the film. Arthur slowly removed the toy as he watched Merlin get out of his jeans, his movements graceless and full of the urgency of his apparent need.

Merlin knew where Arthur kept his condoms, because of course he would, and Arthur watched as Merlin rolled one onto himself. His cock was bigger than Arthur would have guessed, and the look of it, hard and heavy between Merlin’s thin legs, was a new kind of sexy.

“I’ve heard it’s better if you’re on your knees,” Merlin said as he climbed back onto the bed. Arthur flipped over without hesitation, pillowing his forehead in his arms and thrusting his arse back towards Merlin.

“Fuck, Arthur.” Merlin’s thighs pressed up against Arthur’s and his dick dragged down the cleft of Arthur’s arse, and Arthur absolutely could not remember how to breathe. “Fuck, do you really want this?”

“Is my arse in the air somehow unclear?” Arthur said, trying to cut through some of the tension. “You can start fucking me any minute now.”

Merlin slapped him on the arse, and it actually made Arthur’s toes curl. “This is my sodding virginity we’re talking about here, Arthur. A little respect.”

Arthur looked over his shoulder at Merlin, who was smiling. “Hey, I’m a virgin to men, too. Moment of silence for the weight of what we’re about to do, and then can we please get to the fucking?”

Merlin spanked him lightly again. “The amount of joy it will bring me to fuck you until you shut up.”

“Talk, talk,” Arthur said, wiggling his arse. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Merlin rubbed the head of his cock against Arthur’s hole, and Arthur felt abruptly unbalanced. “Relax,” Merlin said, and Arthur did his best to comply as Merlin slowly pressed into him.

And this was ... this was better than the toy. Having Merlin’s cock in him was all-consuming and raw. The movement was different, connected to and affected by Merlin’s entire body.

“God fucking damn it,” Merlin said, moving slowly, his fingers curling around Arthur’s hips. “God, this is ... Jesus.”

Arthur laughed into the crook of his elbow, then moaned as Merlin hitched his hips in closer, slipping all the way in until the scratchy stubble on his groin scraped against Arthur’s arse.

“I don’t even ... Jesus, Arthur.” Merlin sounded helplessly confused, like fucking Arthur was a particularly complex equation he couldn’t quite solve.

“You gonna sit there all day or fuck me?” Arthur said, feeling like he’d been hard for hours and desperately wanting to come already.

“Give a bloke time to adjust,” Merlin said. He pulled back and shoved back in, and Arthur sort of forgot how to complain. “Is that what you wanted, you spoilt prat?”

“Yeah.”

Arthur ground back against Merlin, wanting more, and Merlin finally started fucking him. The choked-off, desperate sounds coming from Merlin made Arthur absolutely ache for him, want him closer. He reached back and grabbed Merlin’s hand on his hip, yanking it forward, and Merlin fell against him, his chest scorching all along Arthur’s back. This was what Arthur wanted, Merlin’s breath hot in his ear, the familiar smell of him, filtered through this new and bloody amazing thing Arthur felt as Merlin fucked into him.

“Arthur, you feel ... I’m gonna ...” Merlin groaned, rutting against him harder. “This is gonna be a short ride.”

Arthur laughed, turning his head and kissing Merlin’s chin, full of a kind of crazy-making joy. “So much as touch my cock, and I’m gone,” Arthur said. “Unless you—”

“Shouldn’t have said that,” Merlin said, his nose pressed into Arthur’s neck. “Now I’ll always get the satisfaction of knowing you came first.”

Merlin’s hand slipped around Arthur’s hip, and Arthur was so fucking ready for it when long fingers wrapped around his prick. Arthur didn’t even try to rein in the sounds pouring out of him as the combined force of Merlin’s cock inside him and his fingers around him made Arthur come. He’d never felt like this before. It was like his entire body was coming unhinged, like every part of him was strung together on some heady, resonant wave of ecstasy that Merlin had given him.

Merlin wrapped both arms around Arthur’s waist, fucking into him hard until he came, too, hips jerking and voice shattered across a groan Arthur didn’t think he’d ever forget.

It took a while for Merlin to pull away, and when he did, he flopped hard onto the other side of the bed. He slipped off the condom and set it on the nightstand, which was pretty disgusting, but Arthur couldn’t really be arsed about it at the moment. He watched Merlin’s chest heave and fell a little bit in love with the sweat-curled hair around his ear. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but the slight frown settling across Merlin’s lips made him hesitate.

“Listen,” Merlin said at length when his breathing had steadied. “I’m gay. Like, I’m sure the gay porn indicated that for you. I know you’re not gay. And that’s fine, and I don’t think—”

Arthur kissed him. He kissed him because Merlin was stupid and gorgeous and because he loved him, and if that made him gay or bi or whatever, so fucking be it. He kissed Merlin because he wanted to fuck Merlin again, wanted to invent new ways to fuck him, and because it seemed weird to have fucked someone he hadn’t kissed.

And when Merlin kissed him back, it was better than the way those guys had kissed in the film. Merlin’s sweat-damp body pressed against him, and Merlin’s tongue dipped into his mouth, and it was Merlin everywhere. He was soft and warm and perfect under Arthur’s lips, enthusiastic and receptive, and Arthur didn’t know how he could have been an idiot enough overlook this. Somehow, he’d failed to notice how moon-eyed he’d always been for the perfect douchebag in his arms, the one who was getting hard again against Arthur’s hip.

“I should put the dildo back before Morgana gets home,” Arthur said, pulling away before he got sucked into round two, which he was very much interested in.

“Oh, my fucking god.” Merlin laughed. “You would steal your sister’s dildo, you pervert.”

Arthur punched Merlin’s shoulder. “Shut up, douchebag.”

“Fuckweasel.”