"What are you watching?" asked Angel as he slumped down heavily on the couch next to Spike.
"A dramatic reinterpretation of your life story pre-the noughties."
"Excuse me?" Angel frowned. "And please take your feet off my coffee table."
"Just some silly little vampire show," answered Spike ignoring his request.
"Not another one," Angel groaned.
"What can I say, mate, we're suddenly all the rage!" he said with a grin. "Just a pity them Hollywood types keep getting the mythos wrong."
"Let me guess. They're doing the vamps turning into crows and the fog and the mind tricks nonsense."
"You got it in one! It's such a cliché."
Angel nodded in silent agreement.
"So why's it the story of my life? The hero have a soul or something?"
"Or something," Spike smirked. "See, there's this little brunette girl, name's Elena. She doesn't appear to have any supernatural powers yet, but for arguments sake we're gonna call her 'Buffy'." Angel rolled his eyes. "Hey, her dead mother's maiden name is even Sommers, so just hear me out. And there's this new kid in school - who just between you and me looks about 25 -"
"They always do."
"Well he's this good guy vampire, so we'll call him 'Angel'."
"Why not make him 'Spike' since you're the one telling this story? Oh wait, you're gonna tell me it's because they made him into a whiny, mopey do-gooder, aren't you."
"Pretty much. He's also a fan of eating vermin," he let the words hang for a moment, "plus he looks a bit like you. Daft hair, overhanging forehead and suchlike." He shrugged. "Besides he couldn't be me because I wasn't one of the good guys back then and I didn't have a sick obsession with the slayer when she was just a little high school girl."
"Riiight," Dru would probably have something to say about that. "We'll just have to wait til "The College Years" before we get the pleasure of that bizarre freak show."
Spike ignored his jibe. "Also, he's got this ring that allows him to walk in the daylight, be all normal and go to school - though why someone who's a hundred years plus would bother going to classes is beyond me."
"You're kidding right?"
"Would you want to go back to high school?" he looked incredulous.
"Of course not!" Angel answered exasperated. "And I was talking about the ring."
"Oh, right, then no, not kidding. Big fat gem of Amara sitting pretty right there on his finger," Spike shook his head in amusement before turning sharply to Angel and frowning. "You did smash the thing, right?"
"It's destroyed. This is television, remember," he reminded him.
"Oh yeah, 'course," he nodded. "So anyway there's the popular girl who's a bit of a druggie, she gets to be 'Cordelia'. And the little non-slayer heroine's bestest best bud is, guess what, a bit of a psychic."
"Willow's a witch," Angel pointed out.
"This girl had relatives in Salem."
"Oh, and boring good guy vamp has an evil brother who's always trying to bugger up his attempts at a normal life. Comes out of the woodwork when he least wants him to, and there's this whole stupid struggle between good and evil."
"Great, so even you get a part."
"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of Angelus - that annoying little voice in your ear the whole time - but since I love to bug you so much, yeah I s'pose it could be me. He does wear the cool clothes," Spike shrugged and took a sip of his beer. "Wanna know what the worst part is?" he asked gesturing with his bottle towards the tv.
"Both 'Buffy' and 'Angel' keep journals of their innermost thoughts and feelings."
Angel screwed up his face, wincing slightly.
"Dear Diary," Spike began in a whiny high pitched voice, "Angel made googly-eyes at me over lunch today. OMG, he is so totally hot! He makes my heart flutter and my nether regions go all blah blah blah."
"Well if it's such a load of facile bullshit, care to tell me why you're wasting your time watching?"
Spike popped a handful of popcorn into his mouth and mumbled, "'Cause it's really good mate. Now shut it, commercial break's over."