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The planet is sunny and covered in growth, in flowers up to their shoulders. Rodney starts sneezing instantly and John has instant sympathy for O'Neill. The natives are...pretty short. They all don't even come up to Ronon's hips. Rodney makes a smart-ass comment that "if they start whistling 'hi ho', I'm leaving." So of course the song gets stuck in John's head.
But they invite them into their small cottages and share their strange small helpings of food.
"Do you have any, you know, temples?" John asks, hoping to get a ZPM out of the deal.
"Any what?" Dnae (who Rodney calls Grumpy) asks.
"What my companion means to say, is that we would like to know how you escape the wraith," Teyla buts in.
The residents whisper in unison, "The King keeps the bad ones away."
"Would you like to meet him?"
"That'd be fantastic," John smiles.
So by the time they get to the King's tower, the majority of the citizens have stopped following them. Only Trid (Dopey) remains.
"The King does not like us to bother him," Trid mumbles nervously, "but we do not have many visitors here. If you insist, I shall stay." Trid bites his lip and looks pathetically up at them.
"It is all right, Trid, we would not want to make you do anything you are averse to," Teyla pats his shoulder and he smiles and walks away, very quickly.
"This King person doesn't sound very agreeable," John remarks.
"If he has a ZPM, I don't care if he has three heads and smells like compost," Rodney says as he knocks.
The door opens and the King has one head and smells strangely like apples. He has shoulder-length red hair and is actually their height. His cape shimmers gold and his smile is welcoming.
"Greetings, I had heard there were visitors. Do come in. I am King Reinad."
"I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, and this is Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, and Ronon Dex."
"You are the leader?" His eyes pass over everyone slowly, and Rodney gets the chills.
"You could say that." He smiles his patented charming smile and Reinad nods his head.
"Well, John Sheppard, would you like a tour of my tower?" John hears Rodney snort behind him.
"Yes," John smiles agreeably before turning to glare at Rodney. "I would."
When the rest of the team starts to follow them, Reinad pauses.
"Your people must stay here. The tour is only for you, John Sheppard," he places a hand on his arm to steer him away from the team.
"Uh, excuse me, Boromir? I don't think so," Rodney steps forward. Reinad looks him up and down, calculating.
"No, you are not worthy to enter the tower," Reinad sniffs and opens the door for Sheppard.
"Let me guess, only those with the 'blood of the Ancestors' may enter?" Rodney crosses his arms and sticks out his chin defiantly.
"No," King Reinad pushes John through the doorway ahead of him, "Only those with beauty rivaling my own are permitted in the tower." He shuts the door behind them.
"I must admit, this is a rather unusual custom. I have not heard of beauty being valued much in this galaxy," Teyla sits on the steps outside the tower.
"Yeah," Ronon grunts, "usually the ability to make babies is more important." Teyla gives him a look but reluctantly agrees.
"Now I know why the natives don't like their King. He probably think they're all ugly. That's probably why the Wraith never stop by—too ugly to trifle with." Rodney paces in front of the steps. "What do you think they're doing in there?"
"As Reinad said, most likely John is being given a tour," Teyla reminds him.
"But it's not a very big tower, it can't take very long. I swear, if he doesn't come out in ten more minutes, I'm kicking the door down."
"Relax, McKay, he's been in there two minutes," Ronon leans back against the door frame and plays with one of his knives.
"He's probably getting slaughtered for his gene or something ridiculous, and we'll never find out until it's too late, and we'll have to send his remains home in a Ziploc bag. Or less, if this King guy's a cannibal."
"Reinad does not seem like a violent person, merely a vain man," Teyla says.
"Yeah, right, they're probably discussing grooming products," Rodney bites his thumb nail. "Or, you know, hostage negotiations."
The door opens and out walks John with a small Ancient device.
"Are you all right? Did he try anything funny?" Rodney rushes forward.
"Geez, Mom, we haven't even gotten to second base yet," Sheppard drawls. "Relax, McKay, he just showed me around the place and then made me touch this mirror-thing and it kinda glowed or something. So he gave me this," he holds out his hand and the device.
"Did he bother to tell you what it does?" Rodney folds his arms impatiently across his chest. "Or did he just assume you'd figure it out when it turned you into a fish or something equally ridiculous?"
"Perhaps," Teyla places a calming hand on Rodney's shoulder, "We should retire for the evening. You and Zelenka can run tests on the object, can you not? We can return tomorrow to find out more of this Reinad." She raises her eyebrows and smiles insistently. Rodney relaxes, slumps, and nods.
They return to the Gate, Sheppard staring intently at the device in his hand, running his fingers over its smooth surface, tracing the strange red mark on its underside.
***
An hour after they return, Sheppard is rushed to the infirmary.
"What's wrong with him?" Rodney barrels in, shouting. Then he freezes.
Sheppard's lying on the table, pale as death. The small Ancient device he brought back is at the left side of his chest, over his heart, the red mark glowing, small cables sprouting from its sides, entwining Sheppard's body. He looks like a metal mummy.
Ronon stands next to the table, biting his nails. "He missed his sparring match. I went to find him. He was on the floor of his quarters."
"What's it doing to him?" The small device is glowing red faintly. Carson and his team are scanning his body. Elizabeth and Teyla rush in just as they finish.
"This is bad," Carson mutters. He turns to Elizabeth. "According to the scanners, John is physically dying
The color drains from everyone's face. There is silence all around. And then Rodney speaks.
"Fuck it. I'm going back to MX4-674 and I am strangling that supposed King."
***
"Ah, greetings again, my friends," Reinad answers his door, only to have Rodney lunge at him.
"We are not your friends! What did you do to him?!" Rodney has his hands around Reinad's throat, pushing him back into the tower anteroom. Teyla and Ronon follow, and for once, Teyla does not try to stop Rodney.
"P-Please!" Reinad gasps. Rodney shakes him, grimacing angrily. Reinad scrabbles at the hands around his throat.
"You gave him that device and it's killing him!"
"I-I!" Reinad turns purple, just as Teyla places a hand on Rodney's shoulder. He lets go. Reinad leans against the wall, panting. His throat has a ring of red hand prints encircling it.
"You have ten seconds to tell us how to turn it off, and then I'm going to finish what he started," Ronon looms over Reinad threateningly.
"I, I didn't mean for it to-to hurt him. It was meant for him. He-he touched it and it responded to him. He is the worthy owner, not I. Not I. I am only a collector!" He falls down on the floor, clutching his throat.
"How do we turn it off?" Teyla asks him, stepping forward and placing one of her Athosian fighting sticks under his chin. She is not the gentle voice of reason this time around. John's the one who brought her to Atlantis and gave her a new home. She is angrier than them.
"I- do not know! Perhaps, if you will let me, I can, I can give you another trinket?" Reinad points in the direction of the inner tower door. "It is just inside." His eyes are on the stick at his throat and he gulps. "Please, let me- let me make amends. Perhaps we, perhaps can still be allies?"
"Tell me where it is. I'll get it." Rodney steps towards the door.
"No! I mean, only those whose-"
"Beauty rival your own can enter, I know. But everyone's prettier than a dead man," Rodney says pointedly just as Ronon draws one of his huge knives. Reinad goes pale.
"Yes, yes fine, go ahead. It is on the table. It looks the same as the other, only, only with small bits sticking out like fingers. Please do not hurt me! My subjects-" Rodney closes the door behind him and all sound from the other side ceased.
***
When they get back to Atlantis, Elizabeth is waiting.
"Well?" She asks. Rodney holds up the new device.
"It's a fucking comb. We're supposed to put it in John's hair," Rodney rushes past.
"And the King?"
Ronon stays behind as Rodney and Teyla rush to the infirmary.
"He's alive. Says he had no idea the thing would kill Sheppard."
"Alive? Did Rodney actually try to strangle him?" Elizabeth is wearing her 'I disapprove' look.
Ronon just raises an eyebrow and lopes off after them.
***
After they put the Ancient version of a comb onto John's hair, the first device retracts its cable and shuts off, falling to the floor like scrap metal.
The comb, however, attaches itself to John's head like a headband and begins pumping increasingly large amounts of poison directly through John's skull, a matching red mark like the first glowing red.
***
This time, they bring marines.
Reinad has the good graces to cower in the corner when ten marines with guns and Rodney and Teyla and Ronon kick the door down.
"Is- is he not well again? Did it not shut off the earlier device?" Rodney almost feels sorry for the pale, haggard, cowering man in the corner, but then again. Killing. Sheppard. John. He wants to strangle him again.
"No," Teyla says, "No, he is not."
"It turned off the first one only so it could give the whole killing thing a shot," Rodney approaches Lorne. "Give me a gun."
"Sorry McKay, I'm under strict orders from Weir not to let you have a weapon of any kind," Lorne would be smiling, but then again, the situation is a little too dire.
"Now, you have five seconds, and then they are going to start shooting."
"And you will die riddled with holes. No pretty glass coffin for you," Rodney throws in the Snow White reference because it just fits, somehow.
"I am sorry! Please! Again, I do not know how the trinkets work! We found- I found them long ago, in the tower! I turned one on by accident and they made me king, please! I am only a collector!"
"How did it make you king? You have not the Ancient gene," Teyla says.
"The- the Wraith had come and we were frightened, and some of us were hurt. I found a small trinket that was glowing faintly and when I touched it, everyone shrank! They were once as tall as i, but the trinket gave me beauty! Also, it let me see ahead of time to who would emerge from the Great Circle. I was able to protect my people."
"Where is it? The trinket?" Rodney thinks, if a device was already switched on, there must be a power source and also that's why they're so scared of him and it could help us offworld to avoid the Wraith.
"In the tower, but please, do not take it! We need it to survive!"
"What does it look like?" Rodney was already halfway through the door.
"Do not take it, please, I beg of you!"
"You are in no position to beg," Teyla snarls, pressing her gun to his forehead. "Answer him!"
"It-it-it is on the wall. You will know it when you see it."
And Rodney does.
It's about three feet tall and two feet wide, the frame made of intricately carved blue-tinted metal. It also happens to be a mirror.
"Oh my God," Rodney says, "Please don't tell me the Ancients were that vain."
But when he stands directly before the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection.
"Mirror Mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all?" Rodney finds himself muttering sarcastically. Instead, he sees an image of John appear, pale and unmoving on an infirmary table, a glowing aura encircling his form. The glow is fading slowly.
"You have got to be kidding me," Rodney pounds the surface of the not-mirror, "Tell me how to stop it! Tell me how to save him!"
The surface flickers and shows John dead, the circlet from his head turning cold and dropping off like dead skin, John's lips blue, the glow around him gone.
"No no no, god damn it," Rodney growls. His fingers trace the frame and within seconds, he is prying the mirror from the wall. Only to find that it is not really a mirror at all. It's a door.
Behind it is a ZPM.
"Oh, fuck, yes," Rodney murmurs and carefully pulls it from the little alcove. "Fuck, John." He tucks the ZPM under his arm and runs out of the room.
"Rodney, did you find something that would stop the poison?" Teyla looks up from Reinad, hope all over her face.
"Got a ZPM. Powering the stupid-ass mirror. We've got to hurry, John's fading quick."
"Tell us how to stop the device," Ronon moves Teyla's gun from Reinad's forehead and lifts him by his robe. "Or I find a Wraith and feed you to him."
"Please, I do not know! There is a healer, in the town! Perhaps he could save your leader!" Reinad is practically squealing.
Ronon shakes him, bangs him back against the wall, says, "Name?"
"Widch!"
***
They brought John through the Gate on a stretcher, carrying him to the healer Widch's hut.
Widch demanded they leave him alone with him. There was a lot of argument about that, and finally only Rodney stayed.
"So that's why you're all afraid of Reinad? Because he made you all short?" Widch glares at Rodney, who has not stopped talking since the marines left.
"We are afraid of other trinkets he may find and what they will do to him, or to us. Look at what he did to your friend. Also, the healing process will get along quicker if you stop talking." Widch muddles about with some local fruits and herbs.
"That's not going to happen, you know. Anyway, the only reason that thing turned you guys, well, small, is because it had a ZPM powering it. Reinad can't turn anything on by himself. The thing here on my friend was turned on by my friend's hands. Reinad doesn't have the Ancient gene."
Widch stops working to stare at Rodney. "Are you saying Reinad can not hurt us?"
"Well, he could throw the gadgets at you, but I doubt it'd do much damage."
Widch turns his back to Rodney and says, "This is interesting news. The others will be thrilled to hear it."
"So do you think you can turn it off? Can you save him?" Rodney hovers at John's side. John's skin has a greenish tint. Rodney curls his hand over John's.
"My medicines to not extend to technology. But I have something that might help." Widch bent over to reach under the table. When he turned around, he held out his hand.
"I found this outside the tower long ago. I was afraid Reinad would turn it on and use it against us. I do not know its purpose." In his outstretched hand was a small, key-shaped device. It has the same mark as the first two, only blue.
Rodney takes the gadget from Widch's hand. He knows he should take it back to Atlantis with John, and test the shit out of it before trying to put it anywhere near John, but if the mirror's correct, he doesn't have time.
He puts the end of the gadget near the red mark on the headband. It jumps from his hand to meld into the headband, which retracts its appendages back into its comb-like form and falls off John's forehead.
"Oh, thank God," Rodney rubs his fingers gently over the faint red imprint on John's forehead. He runs his fingers through John's hair. He watches as color creeps back into John's skin.
"I will tell the others," Widch bows and leaves the hut.
"John, John, John," Rodney murmurs, hands curling around John's face. "God, I thought I'd lost you." He watches John's lips go from green to a normal-looking pink. And then he kisses them.
He kisses John, who is alive and not going to die and oh shit.
***
As soon as John wakes up, he is back in the infirmary and healthy-looking. Practically the entire population of Atlantis is around him, cramming themselves into the tiny infirmary. It has taken him two days to wake up, two days for the poison to clear his body.
Rodney has been by his side the entire time.
"Um, hey, everybody," John blinks, "Where's the party?"
Teyla rushes him, pressing her forehead against his for the longest time. Ronon slaps him on the shoulder. Rodney settles for squeezing John's arm.
"We are all very glad you are alive, John," Teyla smiles.
"I'm glad I don't have to kill a man," Ronon grunts.
"Hey," Rodney weakly says, "Sheppard."
Elizabeth fills John in.
"And Rodney used the new device to save you. We have been invited back by the citizens for a feast. They wish to apologize for their- for Reinad's behavior."
"Will Reinad be there?" Rodney sneers.
"Actually, no. They had a coup. Reinad has been banished and they've set up a sort of democracy."
"Wow."
"Apparently knowing that their supposed King can do no harm to them was all they needed to kick him out. Widch wishes to thank you personally, Rodney."
"Uh." Everyone looks at Rodney. John included. Rodney has a little flashback to Widch's hut and starts to panic, very quietly.
"I don't know about you folks, but I'm starving," John says, and it's settled.
***
Ten minutes into the feast, John takes a bite of something apple-shaped and chokes. Carson is at Widch's, learning of his Healer ways, and Teyla and Ronon don't know CPR.
But Rodney, who is right next to John, does.
When John coughs and dislodges the not-apple (which is blue), Rodney nearly has a heart attack, because he is still inches above John's face, and John was inches from death.
"Wow, Rodney, we gotta stop meeting like this," John drawls when he can breath again, "That's the second time you've saved me today."
"That's the second time today you've nearly died, so give me a break." Rodney is dangerously close to having his head explode, or to kissing John again, or to both.
"A guy could get a complex," John smiles.
"A damsel-in-distress complex maybe," but Rodney is smiling, too.
"Or a Prince-Charming-to-the-rescue complex." John's hands are in Rodney's hair, Rodney realizes suddenly, and he's being pulled downward. He doesn't resist.
"I'll settle for riding safely into the sunset." Rodney slides his hand under John's head, lifting him.
"Mm, Happily Ever After sounds like a good plan," John whispers and kisses Rodney.