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Walt Disney's Captain America

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It didn't occur to Tony until they were in the middle of a firefight. He could have had better timing, but art chooses its own moment.

"Wait, you haven't seen the Disney Captain America?" he asked over the comms, dodging the anti-aircraft missiles the Hydra holdout base was firing at him.

"I haven't seen a Disney movie since Bambi," Steve grunted, sending a Hydra agent spinning away from him and taking out the missile-launcher with a toss of the shield.

"What is this ‘Disney'?" Thor inquired, landing next to Steve.

"It's a movie studio," Steve said. "They make the animated ones."

"Like the adventures of the Ice Bear and his brethren?" Thor asked.

"Yeah, only longer."

"I can't believe you've seen We Bare Bears but not Robin Hood," Tony complained.

"I saw Snow White," Natasha said, stepping out of the shadows as Tony landed. "I saw Snow White about three hundred times. We used it to learn English. I really hate Snow White."

"You cultural illiterates," Tony said. "Sam, Clint, back me up here."

"Were you super into Disney as a kid?" Clint asked, as Sam dropped him onto the roof. Sam landed a second later, wings furling.

"Dad hated Disney passionately," Tony said. "Disney won the bid for the rights to use Cap in entertainment media. Dad figured he bribed the general who was doing the selling."

"So naturally you love them," Sam observed. Tony gestured like he was cocking and firing a gun at Sam.

"Okay, so, let's mop this place up, call SHIELD, and get home," Tony said, rubbing his gauntleted hands together. "I am going to show you the best of Disney, 1945 to the present."

"As long as we skip Song Of The South," Sam said.

***

"The first Disney movie I ever saw was The Sword In The Stone," Tony said, later that night, as the Avengers congregated in the screening room. Everyone but Steve had popcorn; Steve had a massive bag of peanuts. "The kids at boarding school found out I'd never seen a Disney movie because see: Howard's loathing, and one of the upperclassmen girls managed to get a copy of Sword in the Stone. We all snuck into the health classroom with a bunch of chairs we stole from the dorm common room, because the health classroom had a VCR, which was very fancy at the time. When it was over they made me give a two-minute critical reaction speech, because we were very driven young children."

"How old were you?" Sam asked.

"Nine? Ten? Somewhere in there. Anyway, a bunch of kids wrote home and got their parents to send them videotapes. Got to be a tradition, sneaking out and screening Disney movies after lights-out." Tony gave a satisfied sigh as the projector came on and an image of the Disney logo appeared. "First philanthropic grant I ever made was to the old alma mater for a screening room and a popcorn machine. They have a very good film-studies program now."

"So what are we watching?" Steve asked.

"Out of deference to Natasha, we will not be viewing Snow White this evening," Tony said, with a little bow to her. She nodded back regally. "First will be The Sword In The Stone, and you may all understand the psychology of me better afterwards, followed by 101 Dalmatians, followed by The Little Mermaid."

"Not Captain America?" Steve asked.

"We're going to save that for Drinking Game Night," Tony said.

"Ooh, what do we watch during Drinking Game Night?" Clint asked.

"Tron, The Lion King, and when we are really properly drunk, Captain America," Tony said.

"What about The Fox And The Hound?"

"WE DON'T SPEAK OF THAT MOVIE IN THIS HOUSE," Tony said loudly, then cleared his throat. "Behold, novices: I bring you Disney."

***

Tony, admittedly, fell asleep sometime after Pongo met Perdita in 101 Dalmatians, his head on Steve's shoulder. He woke to Steve frantically clutching his shirt as the Dalmatians made their escape.

"Does Cruella DeVille get them?" Steve whispered, as Tony blinked awake.

"What kind of monster do you think Walt Disney was?" Tony asked.

"He killed Bambi's mom," Sam pointed out.

"He killed everyone's mom," Tony said, waving a hand.

"IS PERDITA GOING TO DIE?" Steve demanded.

"No, nobody dies, oh my god," Tony yawned. "In this movie, I mean. This is why we drink during The Lion King."

"Swear to me Perdita doesn't die," Steve insisted.

"I swear to you no dogs die in the making of this film," Tony said. "We're going to have to get you so hammered for Captain America. You know you die in Captain America, right?"

"I got better," Steve sniffed.

"Not before you traumatized a generation of patriotic young children, including myself," Tony said.

"I took Captain America's death hard," Sam agreed.

"These Dalmatians are a mighty and intelligent breed," Thor said. "We need one."

"I'm beginning to see why Dad never let me watch these," Tony grumbled, nudging Steve into the proper position for continued use as a pillow. He drifted off to Steve and Natasha having a furious whispered conversation about whether Cruella DeVille or Madam Mimm would win in a fight.