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An Apple a Day

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“Bones?  Bones, I’m hungry.  I’m hungry, Bones.”

 

“Jim, for fuck’s sake, I’m not the ship’s replicator.  I can’t do anything about it.”

 

“Can’t you—I dunno, hypo me or somethin’?”

 

“Well, maybe if I’d thought to bring appetite suppressants or protein supplements on a routine planetary excursion, sure I could.”

 

“Well, if you’re not gonna hypo me, you could at least let me eat some of the plentiful, mouthwatering, rosy-cheeked, sweet-smelling fruit burgeoning on these leafy green tre—Ow!  What was that for?”

 

“To make you shut up.  I can’t think with you making imaginary porn films out of the local flora.”

 

“I like to think that had more artistry than just porn.  Damn, bumpy shuttle rides make you cranky.  More than normal.  And anyway, what do you need to think for?”

 

“Not that you especially need to know right this second, Captain Kirk, but I’m trying to see if my tricorder can be fixed after it was crushed in that shuttle crash you so euphemistically referred to.  If I can analyze the fruit, get a read on its genetic structure, I can see if it’s safe for consu—Jim!”

 

“Wha?  I’s hung’y.”

 

“Son of a bitch!  Spit it out!”

“Ow, Bones!  Stop hitting me!”

 

“Did you swallow it?  Fuck!  Jim!”

 

“You know, you usually don’t sound so angry when you ask that question.  Anyway, it’s fine.  I feel fine.  It tastes just like an apple.”

 

“Goddamn it, Jim, where’s your communicator?”

 

“It doesn’t work, Bones.  Otherwise we would’ve been beamed up hours ago.”

 

“Motherfucking piece of shit bargain bin plastic nursery toy—”

 

“C’mon, Bones, it’s fine.  Usually I have allergic reactions by now, so I think it’ll be okay.  Here, have one.  We can play Garden of Eden.  I’ll be Adam, you be Eve…  What?  Don’t look at me like that.  It’s okay, I don’t mind being Eve if you wanna be—Hey, I was eating that!”

 

“Shut up for a minute, Jim.  The tricorder’s working; just let me…”

 

“…Uh, Bones?  Does the apple’s genetic structure offend you?  You look pissed off.”

 

“No.  Here.  It’s fine.  Eat it.”

 

“Well you don’t have to sound so happy about knowing I’m not going to die of an allergic reaction.  …Hey, Bones, are you gonna have one too?”

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“But it’s really good.”

 

“I said I’m not hungry.”

 

“It’s so juicy and sweet and mmm, oh god, Bones…

 

“I’m not listening to you.”

 

“Mmm, oh baby, just like that, yeah, tastes so good—”

 

“Jim, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna turn you over my knee and—”

 

“Captain?  Dr. McCoy?  Am I interruptin’ somethin’?”

 

“Thank fuck!  Scotty!  Can you beam us out of here?”

 

“Just a moment, let me lock onto yer signals now… are ye sure ye want to be comin’ back already?  Should we give ye a few min—”

 

“Just beam us up, Scotty.”

 

“Aye, Dr. McCoy.”

 

“Bones, you are just absolutely no fun, you know that?”

 

“You know, Jimmy boy, I don’t really care.”