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Donna Noble walked into a bar.
Well, actually she didn't walk. Donna Noble fell through a tear in the space-time vortex above a bar, plummeted towards the ground, and was caught by a very handsome man, actually. Bit squirrely around the eyes, but feel those biceps. Donna squeezed. "And who are you, handsome?"
"Richard Cypher, the Seeker of Truth. Pleased to meet you--"
"I'm… a complicated event in space-time. But you can call me Donna. And you can put me down. Mind where you put your hands, I'm a married women."
Richard lowered Donna gently to the ground, and she gave his biceps a last friendly squeeze. "And they say chivalry is dead. Tell me, Richard, where are we…"
Donna took her first her good look around the bar, which could more accurately be described as a tavern. There were men in leather and chain mail, older men in leather and chain mail, talking to girls in corsets and lip-gloss.
"…Is this a brothel!? Are you here to..? Don't go thinking you can buy a night with me, squirrel boy!"
"Oh, no, I wasn't!"
"Oi! What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing. But my heart belongs to another."
"I bet you say that to all the girls."
"I didn't mean to offend you."
"I'll tell you what, seeker boy, you can buy me a drink to make up for the offence." Donna turned to the barmaid. "I suppose a bloody mary is totally out of the question?" The woman looked at Donna blankly. Well, that corset was probably depriving her of oxygen, poor love. "Alright, what have you got?"
"Slightly undrinkable ale, mostly undrinkable ale or entirely undrinkable ale."
"Two tankards of slightly undrinkable ale, then." Donna slapped Richard's shoulder. "Get your wallet out, big boy."
*
Two rounds of the brothel's best ale later and Richard was telling Donna about his doomed love affair.
"So you love her and she loves you, but you can't ever have sex because she'll suck your soul out through your eyes."
"If Kahlan ever reaches bliss with someone she truly loves she'll be unable to control her confessor powers."
"Bliss, huh? Someone's optimistic."
*
Donna gestured to a point about twelve feet in the air in the middle of the room. "You can't see it, but right there is hole between the universes."
"Wow," said Richard, who apparently had no head for slightly undrinkable ale. "That must be powerful magic."
"Nah, it's--" Donna looked into Richard's pretty, guileless, slightly intoxicated eyes. "Powerful magic, yup."
"If it's all the way up there, how are you going to get back home?"
"I'll borrow a stepladder from somebody."
*
"This quest you're on--" Donna began.
"To defeat Darken Rahl?"
"Darken Rahl, eh? With a name like that he was hardly going to grow up to take in orphaned puppies, was he? Anyway, this quest of yours, does it involve a lot of sitting around drinking in brothels?"
"I'm spying on that D'Haran officer." Richard nodded at a soldier wearing bright red armour that seemed like it would only make him a target in any kind of battle situation.
"Hmm, when my husband wants to spend the day in the pub his excuse is that he's meeting some old school friends."
*
"Giant wasps," said Donna. Richard's hand was on the hilt of his sword in a flash. "No, not here. In London, they were invading, and the frequency they were transmitting on, it unlocked the memories that the Doctor had hidden away."
Richard nodded, which was nice of him seeing as Donna was fairly sure he was only following one word in three. Then again, she'd listened to him nattering on about quests and swords and girls with magic orgasms so she figured she was owed.
"The Doctor, old friend of mine. You remind me of him, actually, only he didn't have the sword, or the muscles, and it wasn't so much a quest as a series of really rubbish holidays. Where was I?"
"Giant wasps?" Richard hazarded.
"Right! And when the hivemind realised I could defeat it, they shoved me through the rift and here I am. Really should be getting back, actually. Another drink?"
*
"Richard!"
"Richard!"
In walked Albus Dumbledore and a conditioner advert.
"Zedd!" Richard hugged Dumbledore. "I love you!"
"And Kahlan!" Richard hugged the hair product placement and sort of nuzzled her cleavage. In his defence, there was quite a lot of cleavage to snuggle. "I really, really love you, and I don't care if we're never able too--"
Ah, thought Donna, this must be no-sex-clause girl.
"Richard," said Zedd, "are you drunk?"
Richard neatly sidestepped the question by saying, "Zedd, Kahlan, this is Donna, she's a very powerful wizard."
"You got the seeker drunk?" accused Zedd crossly.
"Mostly he got himself drunk."
"And you're a wizard?"
"Wizard, Time Lord, part Time Lord, same thing, really."
"Kahlan," Zedd appealed for sanity, but Kahlan was mildly distracted by Richard's attempts to tickle her.
"Richard, Richard," she said, "we have to get back to our quest."
"Oh, yes. Donna, would you care to join us on our quest?"
"To defeat whatshisname?"
"Darken Rahl."
"Thanks, muscles. But I've got things to do; stepladders to borrow, giant wasps to defeat. Maybe next time."