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Noeru has this thing about his bed - he likes waking up in it. He likes knowing where he is before he even opens his eyes, and he likes opening his eyes to a place he knows: his own bed, his own walls. He likes spending half the morning sitting in the middle of his living room, drinking his coffee and staring at the wide open sea before Ken-chan and himself until he can almost feel the sea breeze on his face, until he melts, disintegrates, dissolves into the rancid smell of ink and thinner, until all of him becomes one more painting in that room. In his own universe of disfigured shapes and washed-out colors, Noeru is just another stained canvas lying forgotten against a chair.

It's always very late in the night when he brings them in, and not early enough in the morning for sunlight when he makes them leave, so most of the men coming and going in his bedroom don't even notice the drawings on the living room's walls. The few who do are usually either too busy unbuttoning his shirt to give them a second thought, or too politely uninterested in his personal life to ask. One of them even tries to once, but Noeru makes sure to lose his clothes extra fast and push him onto bed so he can slam the door and leave the drawings outside, behind, away from him. Away from this.

The first -and only- to ever ask is Pretty Eyes. Pretty Eyes is another model in Noeru's agency who he's worked with a few times, and exchanged hand and blow jobs with in restrooms and private dressing cabins pretty much every time they've met. Noeru wouldn't do repeats before he started working, but sleeping with people in the business means he's bound to keep running into them, and Pretty Eyes is probably the only one Noeru can never say no to. Noeru calls him that not only because his real name makes Noeru sick to his stomach, but because his eyes really are that beautiful: big, dark eyes, so black they could almost be blue.

Noeru thinks this color is what the bottom of the ocean must look like.

He hesitates, but he asks. Noeru kicks Pretty Eyes out that night, then changes his mind and meets him in the hallway. He wakes up the next morning in a bed that is not his, in a room he's never seen, surrounded by bits and pieces of a life he doesn't belong to. The walls are too white, too empty and clean, and before he leaves, Noeru draws a giant goldfish in permanent blue marker on the living room wall facing the entrance door.

He never sees Pretty Eyes again, he never wakes up in someone else's bed again, and none of the men he brings into his place ever asks him about the drawings again. He knows some day someone eventually will, but he likes to think that, until then, he'll have stared for long enough into the sea that he'll have disappeared into it, and there'll be no one there to answer that question but the waves echoing back and forth against those walls.