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You Won't Believe How These Assholes Fall In Love This Time!

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SPOTTED: Piotr Vorkosigan and Guy Allegre, locking lips

What is this we see? Is it a mass rolling over in graves? Are we ourselves rolling over in our own graves over this? What is the Vorkosigan family coming to? We thought the Bug Dinner Episode [#Ten Things You Didn't Know Were Made From Bug Butter] could never be topped. We thought the whole Sinking Situation [#What Files Were Lost In The ImpSec Collapse? The Answer Will Shock You!] could never be lowered. And now, somehow, we are forced to put our attention to our least-cared-about Vorkosigan. We love ourselves The Little Vorkosigan That Could. We can even find some love in our dirt-eating souls for the clone. But this is the drone! We don't care about the drone!

Editors, stop making us have to care about the drone!

Ugh, fine, see if we care. We're never volunteering for anything ever again. We're ignoring all the clickbaiting e-mails we get sent by the powers that be (you think we don't spread the love? WE SPREAD THE LOVE), and we're going to go hide on Sergyar until the universe makes sense again.

Why is Piotr Vorkosigan vexing us by existing in a way we have to pay attention to? Why is he having sex with the Chief of ImpSec? Why can't we go back to caring about Dono Vorrutyer, please love us Dono Vorrutyer, we still stop stalking you and your wife, we promise. (We do not promise.) [#Thirteen Baby Name Suggestions For Baby Count Vorrutyer, You're Welcome] I can't believe we're coming to this. We're going to all be fired next and have to go back to writing jokes for underground comedy clubs. The horror.

Guy Allegre, who we care somewhat more marginally about, since he loves photobombing the most unexpected events, has been in a relationship with Piotr Vorkosigan, about whom even writing his name makes me get headache, for some various amount of time no one can agree upon, look how well-organized the Vor are. (Editors, a proposal: Ten Counts Who Are Not As Interesting As The People They Were Named After). It's one of those Great Secret Scandals that lesser news sources salivate over. Call it an exclusive all you want, over here we have Vorbretten baby pictures and that's good enough for us.

But is that what it is? Is the boring Vorkosigan feeling neglected? Fine, Piotr Vorkosigan, here are your column inches. But if you want more in the future, you're gonna have to show some tongue in your totally-staged candids. We have standards.