Work Text:
July 21st, 2007, 9am.
Harry Potter looked around suspiciously.
"What's up?" Sally asked. They had been walking down the street towards Hermione's house when he had stopped.
"Haven't you noticed?"
"What?"
"How quiet it is" He looked around again. She stared at him for a moment, then, to her surprise, nodded.
"I just thought it was me"
"Hey you guys" Hermione came bounding out of her house "So - what's with the quiet?"
"We were just talking about that" All three of them looked around again, then stared in surprise up the street. Voldemort was meandering down the road towards them, with a perplexed look on his face.
"Tom?"
"Hey guys" Voldemort waved at them with a smile on his face "So - I was thinking, since today is a national day of rest, we should go do something. A game of quidditch perhaps"
"A game of quidditch?"
"Do something?"
"National day of rest?"
"Haven't you noticed the quiet?" Voldemort looked around "None of us will be doing anything today - all of the authors are off reading, or possibly sleeping, so we have the whole day to ourselves"
"Have you finally gone crazy Tom?" Hermione asked.
"You mean he hasn't always been crazy?" Sally smirked. Voldemort stared at her for a moment, then laughed.
"Today is National Deathly Hallows Day" He said with another laugh "And so all the people who are normally telling us what to do, where to go, what to say, who to kill, and who to shag are going to spend the day reading instead of writing" When they still looked confused, he smirked "And this is the crack team that wants to stop me? I am quaking in my boots"
"So we can do anything?" Harry asked "And no one will stop us?"
"To a point" Voldemort replied "We can't advance the plot of any stories" He glanced at Hermione, who appeared to be about to curse him "And we certainly can't bring an end to the war"
"Oh phooey" Hermione frowned.
"So - quidditch?"
The three of them stared at him for a moment, then Sally nodded.
"Excellent"
xoxox
10:30am
"Pardon?" Sirius Black stared at his godson.
"I know you played with my father in school, so I was wondering if you'd like to come and play in a game this afternoon" Harry stared back at him "How is this confusing?"
"I don't think that's the part he was confused about, sweetie" Sally said with a smile.
"Really?" Harry replied in surprise "So... which part is he surprised about?"
"I think it was the person we are playing against that gave him pause for thought" Hermione smirked.
"Oh. Well - I guess that makes sense" Harry turned back to his godfather "It's a long story, but basically we - you, me, Tom, everybody - has a day to ourselves with no outside interference. So - we thought we would spend it playing quidditch" Sirius continued to stare at him.
"You really mean this?"
"Yes"
"And you haven't been hit on the head recently?"
"No"
"And Sally didn't snog you senseless?"
"No... well, yes. But that has nothing to do with this"
"Okay then" Sirius smiled "Who else is on our team?"
xoxox
10:50am
"Harry!!" Ginny pelted out of The Burrow, then skidded to a halt in front of the four people walking up the path to her home "What can I do for you today?"
"Well - we were wondering if you and your family would like to come to Hogwarts to watch a quidditch match, and also if you and the twins would like to play in it"
"That sounds fun" She replied, beaming at him "Come on inside" She led them in to the kitchen, where they found more of the red-headed family "Hey everyone - Harry invited us to go watch a quidditch game at Hogwarts, and he wants me and Fred and George to play in it"
"That sounds like a very generous offer" Arthur said from the end of the table "Who will you be playing against?"
xoxox
11am
"Malfoy, Nott, Crabbe, Goyle, Mulciber, Dolohov - you are to all come with me to Hogwarts this afternoon"
"Yes My Lord" They all replied, then Lucius continued "Are we to bring any of our allies?"
"If you want" Voldemort replied "We can use all the support we can get, since I expect Potter will put together quite an impressive team"
"Potter? We are going to attack the brat?"
"No - we are going to play quidditch against the brat"
There was a long period of silence, during which the assembled death eaters all tried to work out if they could ask Voldemort if he was going mental without having their bits hexed off in response.
"I can tell what you are all thinking, and just this once I will let it pass. But to answer the question you are all too scared to ask - no, I have not gone crazy"
"Then... why?" Lucius asked.
"Because I said so" Voldemort gave his most evil and horrific smile "Don't you think that is reason enough?"
"YES LORD!!" His death eaters yelled in unison
"It's amazing how benevolent I can be, when everyone does what I tell them to do"
xoxox
12:00pm
After spending an hour trying to convince the various members of the Weasley family that they were not crazy, Harry, Sally, Hermione and Sirius set off for their next port of call. When they had told Sirius where they were going, he had told them they were, in fact, crazy.
"I understand the whole National Deathly Hallows Day. I understand playing quidditch at Hogwarts. I even understand playing Voldemort at quidditch at Hogwarts" He paused "But this - this I don't understand"
"Why?" Sally asked.
"Oh let me count the ways!" Sirius waved his arms around as they walked down the path to a nondescript house "Can she even fly? Has she ever played? You know she isn't a Gryffindor, don't you?"
"I don't know if she can fly, I am fairly sure she hasn't ever played, and yes - I have noticed that she isn't a Gryffindor" Harry replied with a smirk "But let me ask you this - do you really think that there is anything she can't do if she puts her mind to it?" While they all paused to consider that, Harry darted forward and knocked loudly on the door. A moment later, it was opened.
"Harry?"
"Yes"
"Voldemort?"
"Yes"
"Seeker?"
"Chaser"
"Two o'clock?"
"Yes"
"School?"
"Yes"
"Haven't you always wanted a snorkack?"
"But not a real snorkack, cause that's cruel"
"Okay" The door closed again, and Harry turned and walked back down the path. It took him a few seconds to realise that no one was walking with him. He turned and saw them staring at him in utter disbelief.
"What?"
xoxox
1:15pm
"Have you ever flown before?" He asked.
"Yes - I even have my own broom"
"Cool. You want to do it?"
"Oh yes. I owe him a little bit of payback..."
"You know this is a friendly match"
"Of course! I am surprised you would even have to ask"
"Just checking"
"I just meant that, since he got me expelled and humiliated, I should at least try to do something equally nice for him"
Harry stared at the gameskeeper for a moment, then something occurred to him.
"Hagrid?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"What happened to your accent?"
"Oh that" Hagrid gave a small, sharp laugh "Seems that most of the authors want to keep with the idea of me being rustic and all that, so they make me drop my aitches and speak in like a Devon Farmer" He threw his arms up in surprise "I went to Oxford you know"
"Really?"
"No, not really. I just wanted to talk like a normal person for once"
xoxox
1:30pm
All day long, Professor Albus Dumbledore had felt a little on edge. He wasn't sure why, but he was fairly sure that something strange was going to happen before the end of the day.
Suddenly, the door to his office was thrown open, and his deputy Headmistress ran in.
"Albus! Come quick!"
"What is it Minerva?"
"Voldemort! Death Eaters with big foam fingers!! Trolls in cheerleading outfits!!!"
'Oh' He thought 'That would do it'.
xoxox
2:15pm
"So, let me see if I understand this" Dumbledore was pacing back and forth, while Harry, Sally and Hermione sat in front of his desk "You had nothing to do today, so you decided to invite Voldemort to play quiiditch in my school"
"Yes sir"
"Without asking me first"
"Yes sir"
"And you think this is a good idea?"
"Yes sir" Harry smiled "But I also have another favour to ask"
"Do tell"
"I would like The Sorting Hat to commentate on the match" Harry smirked at the surprised look on the Headmaster's face.
"The Sorting Hat?"
"Yes sir" All four of them turned and stared up to where The Hat was sat "What do you say?"
"By all means, Mr Potter. I would be honoured to commentate on your match"
"Thank you" Harry stood up, and slowly lifted The Hat down.
"Harry" He turned to see the Headmaster staring at him.
"Yes sir?"
"Have you really thought this through?"
"Of course he has" Sally smirked "The Hat couldn't possibly be the referee because it would fall off the broom" With that, she stood up, and the three students left the office, leaving a truly confused Dumbledore behind them.
xoxox
2:25pm
"HARRY POTTER!!" Professor McGonagall stormed down the path towards where the three students were heading back to the quidditch pitch.
"Yes Professor?"
"What in Merlin's name do you think you are doing!? Bringing Voldemort here!! With CHEERLEADING TROLLS!!!"
"We are going to have a nice, quiet game of quidditch with him" Harry replied, then added "And I didn't know about the cheerleading trolls"
"You are going to play QUIDDITCH with him?" She yelled again "Are you bloody serious?"
"Of course not Professor!" A voice from behind the professor replied. She turned, then screamed in surprise. Harry's godfather was stood there, dripping in what appeared to be in human blood "He's not bloody serious. I am" McGonagall took one look at him, then turned and stormed off, muttering under her breath. The three students watched her go, then turned back to where Sirius was stood. They stared at him for a moment, then he held up a bottle of ketchup "Do you know how long I have been waiting to do that joke?"
xoxox
2:35pm
"Harry - meet Mary-Sue Cadwallader" Arthur Weasley said "Despite my misgivings about all this, I think that she would make a perfect referee for your game"
"Miss Cadwallader" Harry nodded.
"You look so much like your father" She smiled, then added "But you have your mother's eyes" Harry stared at her for a moment, then turned to Sally.
"If one more person says that" Harry whispered "I think I am going to snap"
"Well - I have an idea" She smiled back, then - when he looked at her worriedly - she grinned "Trust me"
xoxox
2:40pm
Harry looked out at the assembled crowd, and started to get worried about addressing them.
"Hello Harry" Remus Lupin said, coming up behind him "Feeling a little nervous?"
"Just a little"
"My mother told me that, if you are nervous, you should picture the audience, or crowd in this case, in their underwear"
Harry's mind flashed through images of Ginny, Sally, Hermione and Luna in their underwear. Then his mind jumped to images of Hagrid, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Snape and Trelawney in their underwear.
"Maybe not" He replied.
xoxox
2:50pm
"What's your team name?" Harry asked suddenly. He and Voldemort were stood at the entrance to the quidditch pitch.
"Sorry?"
"Well - we can't call you Voldemort and the Death Eaters. It sounds like a thrash metal band who play Metallica covers"
"Oh" Voldemort frowned "The Dark Marks"
"Really?"
"Yes" He paused "What about you?"
"Well - we were thinking The Army Of Light, but when I suggested that, Sally smacked me across the head"
"So - what did you end up choosing?"
xoxox
3pm
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Teachers and Students, Hogwartians and Guests, Trolls and Trollesses and... well - everyone else. Welcome to the NDHD quidditch match, featuring the ultimate battle - good vs evil, light vs dark, coke vs pepsi... no wait. Scratch that last one" Harry looked around "Now - I could waffle on and tell you all about what is going on, but you didn't come here to listen to me, did you"
"NO!!" The crowd bellowed back.
"That's right. So without further ado, I give you your match commentator, The Voice Of Hogwarts and the master of all your destinies, please give it up for The Sorting Hat!"
"THANK YOU" The Hat's voice belted out through the stadium as nearly everyone applauded it "And now, to get us under way - may I present the teams. First up, The Dark Marks. At keeper, Janus Mulciber" There was some scattered applause from the death eater half of the pitch "
At beaters, two alumni from the Slytherin team of old, now followed in that tradition by their sons, Messers Crabbe and Goyle" More applause, this time including some of the students from Slytherin
"At chaser, we have Andreas Nott, Antonin Dolohov and our former Head Boy, Mister Lucius Malfoy" A burst of applause was accompanied by a burst of laughter, causing Malfoy to flush red
"And finally, another former Head Boy, and the student voted most likely to turn evil, lead an army of darkness, be vanquished by a one year old kid, then return thirteen years later to get his revenge, at seeker and captain, the one, the only, Lord Voldemort!"
Voldemort flew on to the pitch in a spectacular loop, then suddenly stood up on his broom, did a back flip and sat back down.
"And now, on the opposing team, at Keeper, the man with the big heart and the even bigger body, Rubeus Hagrid" There was a loud burst of applause from the "light-end" of the pitch
"At beaters, the two most famous students of recent times, the twin terror of the teachers, Messers George and Fred Weasley!" All the members of The Weasley family in the stands jumped to their feet in applause, while the darker end of the pitch gave a few half-hearted boos
"Coming in at Chasers, we have an up and coming young star, Miss Ginevra Weasley" There was a loud shout of "THAT'S GINNY YOU INCOMPETENT PIECE OF HABERDASHERY", which provoked a lot of laughter, but The Hat ignored her, and continued "We also have the girl sometimes called Loony, sometimes called Crazy and sometimes called Jennifer, the one and only Miss Luna Lovegood" Pausing to let the applause die down, The Hat finished off "And finally the last remaining Marauder..."
"What about me?" Remus yelled.
"One of the two remaining Marauders..."
"I am right here you know" Peter Pettigrew yelled from the other end of the pitch.
"If you two don't stop yelling I am pulling this stadium over right now" The Hat yelled "Are you both done?"
"Yes"
"Good, then - if I may continue?" There was a moment of silence "As I was saying... One of the Infamous Marauders, who nearly pranked the teachers to death during their seven year reign of terror, but also made a very good barbershop quartet, I give you Mister Sirius. Lee. Black" There was a huge amount of applause, accompanied by a lot of laughter as Sirius flew on to the pitch, glaring at The Hat for using his middle name.
"And finally, at seeker and captain, the child of one of the most famous seekers in Hogwarts history, and one of the people who made all this possible, I give you..." The Hat paused, sensing the tension in the stadium "Miss Sally-Anne Perks!!"
"What?" Voldemort yelled, and stared over at Harry.
"And finally, at seeker and captain, the child of one of the most famous seekers in Hogwarts history, and one of the people who made all this possible, I give you Miss Sally-Anne Perks!!" The Hat repeated.
"What?" Voldemort yelled again, still staring at Harry.
"And finally, at seeker and captain, the child of one of the most famous seekers in Hogwarts history, and one of the people who made all this possible, I give you Miss Sally-Anne Perks!!" The Hat repeated again, then added "Would you like me to put it on a t-shirt?"
"What?"
xoxox
3:35pm
"So, now that our esteemed guest Lord Voldemort has stopped saying 'What'" The Hat glared at the captain of The Dark Marks, who had the grace to look somewhat ashamed "We shall begin. Miss Cadwallader, if you would?"
xoxox
(scenes from a quidditch match)
"He's much better than we thought, Our Glorious Leader Voldemort!"
"Within her, shiny danger lurks. She's our girl, Sally-Anne Perks"
xoxox
"And as Malfoy and Dolohov swoop down the pitch, it looks like Weasley and Weasley are lining something up."
A sickening crunch filled the air.
"Oh my, that had to hurt. Hey Draco - I don't think you'll be getting any little brothers or sisters any time soon"
xoxox
"He's killed more people than he ought, but now he'll beat you VOLDEMORT!!"
"We've got a team that really works, led by our Miss Sally-Anne Perks"
xoxox
"And while Weasley and Black charge down the pitch, Miss Lovegood makes the unusual move of... flying round in circles, waving at the clouds as they pass by"
"Well - they are very pretty clouds"
"Yes, they are, aren't they?"
xoxox
"By the Aurors he'll never be caught - the one, the only VOLDEMORT!"
"She's better than a thousand Jim Kirks, She's the glorious Sally-Anne Perks"
xoxox
"And now she's waving at the giant squid"
xoxox
"When Harry Met Sally he both of them fought"
"The other side they are all jerks"
"He is not the forgiving sort"
"She's better than a thousand mercs"
"His favourite book is Terry Pratchet's Mort"
"She's really good at change of circs"
"HE IS THE BEST, LORD VODLEMORT"
"SHE IS THE BEST, MISS SALLY-ANNE PERKS"
xoxox
"This could be it... Voldemort and Perks are racing down the field, neck and neck, but even if Perks catches it, her team will lose by a single goal... bugger me"
xoxox
"We knew she could do it, and she showed she could. The one, the only..."
xoxox
"Miss Luna Lovegood scores just as Perks catches the snitch, and the game ends in a tie" The Hat yelled out "How many of you saw that coming?"
xoxox
5pm
"Harry, my boy, I would like you to meet someone" Dumbledore had walked up behind Harry and Sally, and, when they turned, they saw him stood next to a somewhat portly man, a remarkably horse-faced woman and a boy of Harry's age, although Harry's first impression was somehow Hagrid had been sat on by an elephant.
"Headmaster" Harry nodded politely.
"I would like you to meet your Aunt Petunia Dursley, her husband Vernon, and their son Dudley" Dumbledore smiled benevolently "Since you appear to be making a lot of new friends today, I thought you might like the chance to reconnect with your family"
"Thank you sir" Harry turned, and saw Petunia staring down at him with a fond look on her face. He turned to Sally, and she nodded "Mrs Dursley..."
"You know - you look so much like your father, it's amazing"
"Thank you"
"But you really do have my sister's eyes"
"Actually, Mrs Dursley, that isn't true" Sally said. The woman turned and stared at her "Harry doesn't have his mother's eyes" She paused, then held up a jar containing two eyeballs "I do"
(a few moments later)
"Wow" Harry said, peering in to the distance "I really didn't think anyone could move that fast without a broom"
"Harry, Sally - was that really necessary?" Dumbledore asked with sadness in his voice.
"No, sir, it probably wasn't" Sally replied, but then smirked "But it was kind of fun"
xoxox
5:45pm
"So, Voldie... can I call you Voldie?"
"Only if you want me to rip out your ribcage and wear it as a hat"
"So, Voldemort, we have about six hours to kill..."
"Really?" Voldemort smiled "Just think how many people we can kill in six hours!"
"So - we have six hours left before this day of rest comes to an end. What do you want to do now?"
"Well - I picked quidditch, so I think it's your turn"
"Oh" Harry looked around, realising that most of the crowd for the game was still there "Well... how about this..."
(a few moments later)
"And they say I am the most evil person the world" Voldemort shook his head "So - how do you want to do this?"
"I am glad you asked..."
xoxox
6pm
"Assembled masses" The Sorting Hat's voice rang out across the stadium, drawing everyone's attention "If you would all kindly look to the north end of the pitch, I believe that our hosts have conjured up some more entertainment"
Everyone turned, to see a blinding flash of light fill the pitch. When it cleared, they saw Voldemort and Harry stood at the end of the pitch on a small stage that had appeared from nowhere. Behind them, there was a large white screen, and on one side of the stage there were a group of death eaters, and on the other, Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Sally.
Suddenly the stadium was filled with music...
xoxox
6pm
"Assembled masses" The Sorting Hat's voice rang out across the stadium, drawing everyone's attention "If you would all kindly look to the north end of the pitch, I believe that our hosts have conjured up some more entertainment"
Everyone turned, to see a blinding flash of light fill the pitch. When it cleared, they saw Voldemort and Harry stood at the end of the pitch on a small stage that had appeared from nowhere. Behind them, there was a large white screen, and on one side of the stage there were a group of death eaters, and on the other, Hermione, Luna, Ginny and Sally.
Suddenly the stadium was filled with music...
xoxox
Voldemort
Summer slaying, had me a blast
Harry
Summer slaying, ended so fast,
You cursed a kid, cute as could be
Voldemort
The killing curse rebound, hit me
Harry
What a night
Voldemort
Gave me a fright
Harry/Voldemort
And now we're set for one final fight
Death Eaters
Tell me more, tell me more
Malfoy
How did it go so wrong?
Girls
Tell me more, tell me more
Ginny
And what the hell is this song?
Harry
Went to Hogwarts, met a cute gal
Voldemort
I went there too, possessing Quirrell
Tried to steal the Philosoper's stone
Harry
And then we stopped him, all on our own
Voldemort/Harry
But that's not the end,
is it my friend,
until we have one final fight
Death Eaters
Tell me more, tell me more
Dolohov
So what's with the snake?
Girls
Tell me more, tell me more
Ginny
It made my heart break!
Voldemort
Tried to get it to kill all mudbloods
Harry
You just ended up causing some floods
Then we rescued Miss Ginevra Weasley
Voldemort
And you killed a young, teenage me!!
Harry
We should sing a new song
Voldemort
This has gone on too long
Voldemort/Harry
And people want to get home tonight...
Death Eaters/Girls
Tell me more, tell me more
Sirius (from the sidelines)
But who's posing as me?
Death Eaters/Girls
Tell me more, tell me more
Ginny
And for the last time, IT'S BLOODY GINNY!!
(the music changes, and Malfoy moves to the front with Voldemort, while Harry takes a step back)
Malfoy
Guess mine's not the first heart tortured,
My eyes are not the first to cry.
I'm not the first to say, there's
Just no getting 'way from you
Voldemort
I know your just a fool who's willing,
to sit around and wait on me.
But Malfoy, can't you see,
There's no way of escaping me.
Malfoy
I'm hopelessly devoted to you.
But now there's no way to hide,
This Dark Mark on my side,
I'm out of my head,
hopelessly devoted to you,
Hopelessly devoted to you...
(music changes again, and Ginny, Harry, Sally and Hermione move to the front)
Ginny
There are worse things I could do,
Than chase a boy like you.
Even though you seem to hate me,
And do not want to date me,
And refuse to let me woo,
There are worse things I could do...
Harry
You could join with Voldemort
Sally
You could use the Wizard Court
Hermione
Curse him with "Imperio",
And of course, he'd never know,
how he fell in love with you...
(Ginny stares at her, contemplating the idea, then shakes her head)
Ginny
But those are things I'd never do...
(music changes again, and Luna walks forward while the others drop back)
Luna
Look at me, there has to be,
something more than what you see.
Strange and obscure, but so scared and unsure..
The girl you all call "Loony"
When you criticise and make fun of me,
Can't you see the pain in my smile?
Don't you realise there's just one of me,
And it has to last for a while...
Luna, you can start a new
Show the world what you can do.
So hold your head high, take a deep breath and cry
"If you all think I am giving up the way I see the world, then I really don't know where you get off calling me crazy!"
(the music stops as everyone turns and stares at her, and she simply shrugs)
It's not my fault if they don't write the music to fit my mood, is it?
(the music starts again)
Voldemort
It grows colder, so now we must go
Harry
The authors will be returning, you know.
Voldemort
And with them, they bring our destiny
Harry
Wonder what the outcome will be?
Voldemort/Harry
All our dreams, ripped at the seams.
Because of, this one, last, fi-ight.
Girls/Death Eaters.
Tell me more, Tell me More-or-or-ore-or-or-oreeeee
Sally (speaking over the music)
Thank you all for coming. Good night, and god bless.
xoxox
Epilogue
11:56pm
"So - strange day, huh?" Sally said. She, Harry and Hermione were sat in the front room of The White House, drinking coco.
"Seemed pretty normal to me" Hermione said. They turned and stared at her "Well - you two smooched, Ginny tried to seduce Harry and I got to spend a lot of time with Luna" The other two laughed.
"Did you find out why she is... like she is?"
"Actually I did" Hermione glanced at her watch "And I think I have just enough time to explain it"
There was a pause.
"So - go on"
"Well - it's like this..."
July 22nd, 12:00am
"Bugger"
xoxox
These were ideas I had, that proved to be either too unwieldy to write or were left out for space/time reasons.
1) Extra Cheers At The Match
"His ass is really nice and taut"
"She's a fan of Michael Berk's"
"He is quite handsome, he has no wart"
"She'd fight an army of invading Turks"
"He makes a very mean Raspberry Torte!"
"She's sometimes strange, she has her quirks"
2) More Songs To Sing
Harry (spoken)
My dearest, darlingest Susan and Sirius
Voldemort (spoken)
My dear... Death Eaters.
(the music starts)
Voldemort/Harry
There's been some confusion tdoay at dear Hogwarts
Harry
But of course I will explain it
Voldemort
And of course I'll rise above it
Harry/Voldemort
Because I know that's how you'd want me to go on.
Yes, there's been some confusion, because it seems my song mate is...
Voldemort (spoken)
The most annoyingly chipper, boy-scout like brat in the entire world...
Harry (spoken)
Tom!
3) No, Harry. I AM YOUR...
5:50pm
"THERE IS NO ESCAPE!" The entire stadium fell silent as Harry ran on to the pitch. A moment later he was followed by Voldemort, brandishing his wand "Don't make me destroy you, Harry. You do not yet realise your importance! You have only just begun to discover your power! Join me, and I will complete you training. Dumbledore has foreseen this, and he knows that, together we can overthrow him. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive war and bring about peace in our time"
"I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU!" Harry yelled. He cast a spell, but it went wide.
"If you only knew the true POWER of the dark" Voldemort smiled at him "Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father"
"He told me enough!" Harry replied "He told me you killed him!!"
"Oh" Voldemort stopped, then shrugged "Well - yeah. I did. Sorry about that"
"No, no, no" Harry shook his head "That's not how it goes" He pulled out a manuscript from his robes, and tossed it over to the dark lord "Lets try it again, shall we?"