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Quadruple Drabble: Unforgiven

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For England, James?

If there was any way for me to forget him, I would. I close my eyes at night and there he stands before me, dressed all in black and an evil smirk on his schoolboy features. His face was the one thing that never changed over the years. Scars adorned his body - a hazard of the field - but I can never imagine him as he became. Janus was not Alec, but I will forever remember Janus' last words to me.

I can hear his voice even now. Over my own screams, I can hear him laughing at me. I can feel his hands caress me as they beat me. I can feel his cock in my mouth as they poison me. He is around me always.

Hush, James, you don't want them to hear. Close your eyes and think of England.

I've lost track of my time here. It could be years, but I don't think so. Alec was the only one who didn't tire of me after more than months had gone by. He used to say that you never wanted to need anyone unless they also needed you. Because after long enough, want will turn to dust and Alec wasn't the only one who had needed someone who no longer cared for him. But Alec never told me what to do when the man you needed and who needed you in return was no longer there.

Alec didn't tell me a lot of things. And sometimes his voice isn't kind. Sometimes I can remember the times when it didn't seem like he would stop yelling at me. I deserted him - I left him - I never loved him. Not like he loved me. He wanted me to follow him into the life he chose for himself. He wanted me there with him always. It was my own damn fault for not paying attention all those years ago. Alec was never subtle. It was his only major flaw. How blind I must have been not to notice his pain in his caresses, the regret in his voice our last night together. We fit together so well both on and off the field. How betrayed he must have felt when I didn't read his mind then, the way I had so many times before.

Relax for me, James. This won't hurt but a bit.