In a distant corner of the fandom somewhere near Australia, Sarah felt a disturbance in the fandom. “Alice, what word do you bring from England?” Alice wasn’t sure when she became Sarah’s second in command, it was probably in response to some misguided affection from Sarah, but she felt she might as well play her part in this ridiculous plot. “The Seahorses are weakening, the feels are being felt,”
“Excellent, I will use this to my advantage.”
“Shat on a turtle!”
“Sarah, no one actually said that,” interrupted Lizzie.
“Yeah, but it’s what I say when I’m trying to segue into random outbursts.”
“It’s a... an.. Austin Powers reference,” said Austin. Austin actually said this - it just so happens that the Seahorses in attendance had hilariously appropriate names.
“Right so do you have a point?” inquired Lizzie. Sarah’s one wish in this moment was for Beth to be in attendance so that she could see such creative use of saidisms. The hangout waited silently, “Oh yes, DEATH TO IRIN!”
Moments earlier, Sarah had explained her plan. Essentially, it was as follows: Sarah had managed to convince all sectors of the Seahorses fandom that in order to unite the Seahorses, a scapegoat must be selected. Love and compassion do not provide powerful enough incentives; instead, they must be united in mutual hate. Erin and Ian, equally respected members of the Seahorses, were an easy target as they possessed a natural ability to polarise the opinions of fans. How she managed to convince everyone of her hare-brained scheme is beyond this author’s word count, unnecessary details are of course unnecessary. As with all plans there was resistance. Amelia stood on Erin’s behalf, but she quickly fell. Her writhing body acted as a cruel warning to anyone who stands against Sarah. No one stood for Ian. That is in fact a lie, Jamie wrote her support in the chat, thus we must clarify, no one paid attention to any support for Ian.
“Alice, they run from us, we chase them and we chase them and they just keep running. Tell me oh trusted friend, what should my next move be?”
“To be clear, I think trusted friend is moving a bit fast-”
“-The spies of Tumblr tell me they hide separately in the fields of fan fiction.”
“Right, so why don’t we go there?”
“But how could we find them when fics are posted daily?”
“We could create a ploy and smoke them out.”
“A most excellent suggestion Alice, we will burn the fields and wait for them to give themselves up. They won’t hide whilst innocent fandom burns to the ground.”
“To be clear, that’s not totally what I meant.”
“You’re equally beautiful and wise, Alice... yeah, I’ll admit I haven’t worked out how to make that sound normal but I’ve been watching so much Parks and Recreation lately-”
“- what are the particulars of your plan?”
“LETS GET READY TO TUUUUUMBLLLLLR!” Alice’s battlecry frightened away any wayward lurkers as the first words began to burn. Stalking paragraphs of Dizzie feels, Sarah waited with little patience, “Why do they wait?” Stepping forward, Erin sneered, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” At this challenge, dramatic tension shifted the body hairs of all spectators in a northerly direction, but Sarah had learnt not to waste time with villainous speeches and promptly removed Erin’s head from her neck. Alice, the diligent deputy, picked up Erin's head, holding it above her own and screaming in victory. Josh, her once loyal disciple, quickly joined the side of Sarah, laughing maniacally at the sudden change in fandom.
As Sarah gives orders to extinguish the burning, Alice steps forward, “A DAY MAY COME WHEN THE COURAGE OF SEAHORSES FAIL, A DAY WHEN WE FORSAKE OUR FANDOM AND BREAK ALL BONDS OF FANNISH SPACE, BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!”
Meanwhile in the land of gifs, Jamie heads a resistance, a resistance that would have been successful if it wasn’t for the the devious nature of Josh and his enthusiastic schadenfreude.
Cornered by Sarah in the Tower of Lizzie Derp Faces, Jamie was defiant, “I will be ignored no longer!”
“Well then, try turning your microphone on,” she said as she pushed Jamie through a blank frame to her death.
“AAAAARRRGGHHH!” Sarah’s frustrated scream echoed through the land of gifs.
“We know he’s here, but we haven’t found him yet,” said Alice, wincing.
“I need to find him, IRIN’s reign of terror must end.”
Fortunately, Lane possessed the empathetic skills of that useless Captain Planet kid and was able to feel Ian's whimpering, yet manly cries over the death of Jamie and his impending fate from his hiding place.
"I cannot handle the hate!" screamed Lane as she uncovered Ian and promptly ran away. Once again, Josh laughed with glee.
“Silence fool, I have business to attend to,” Sarah declared as she pushed Ian into an avalanche of Lyckham gifs.
Retiring to the Lizzie Bennet Diaries subreddit, Sarah sat back and watched the fandom embrace their varying ideologies, and peace was restored to the fandom. Though some would say that this peace was as fragile as Josh’s desire to start a new war.