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Jeff is not the first person to find him. In fact, he's the third, although he is the first to crawl through the opening to talk to him. Shirley had merely politely inquired about his well-being from outside, while Pierce had tried to bend down to lift up a corner of the sheet. He had ended up doing something painful to his back and hobbled away, presumably in the direction of the Health Station, although Pierce would be equally likely to get help off campus so that word won't spread.
"So," Jeff says, settling down opposite of him once he's finished crawling through the makeshift tunnel. "You built an igloo."
"You're the first person to get that," Abed says. He's not surprised. Jeff hides a lot of himself, including his imagination. "Everyone else thought it was just a fort."
"What's not to get?" Jeff asks, gesturing with his hands. "It's got a dome shape, it's white, and it's got one of those tunnel things for an entrance. Obviously it's an igloo."
"I wanted to build it out of real snow, but it's September," Abed says, "I improvised."
"So I can see. What's confusing me though is why you've built it in the first place."
"I thought thinking in a new space might help me find out a solution to our problem. So far, results are inconclusive."
"We have a problem?" Jeff asks. He looks confused. "I mean, I know individually we all could stage our very own episode of Jerry Springer or god forbid OPRAH. I just wasn't aware it was something we were concerning ourselves with. I figured we'd just let it be until one of us snaps."
"That'll still happen," Abed says, nodding. "But if we were a TV-show, we'd be on our second season right now and our ratings would be in danger of dropping. There hasn't been any real sexual tension lately, anymore, and that means interest will be dropping."
"What?"
"Annie's still with Vaughn, Britta has her new boyfriend, you were in a relationship a week ago, and Troy's preoccupied with that girl," Abed lists them off, one hand up to demonstrate. "Which leaves real sexual tension kind of lacking, because the only viable candidates are Shirley and Pierce, and that's not a viable path."
"Huh." Jeff looks intrigued, and Abed knows curiosity is the only reason he asks what he does. "So what're your ideas to boost ratings so far?"
"That's just it," Abed says, "I don't really have any. Either we need to introduce a new and exciting character to the scene to split the group and cause drama, but we sort of already did that in season one and bringing one in purely for unresolved sexual tension is bound to get a negative response from avid fans. Or we need to do something to break the routine, like a parallel universe episode, to give everyone an idea of how different our lives might have been. Those are usually a great hit."
"If you think it'd boost the ratings," Jeff offers, "I could declare you my platonic life-partner."
"Nah," Abed shakes his head. "I already did that with Troy last week. We had a ceremony and everything. But thanks."
"Wait, what? You had a ceremony?"
"It was a snap decision," Abed explains. "Like Ross and Rachel in Vegas, only we were in the Dean's office and we wanted him to forget he was mad at us. It was pretty moving though, I wore a white shirt, and Troy rapped his vows. The Dean even cried as he got us cake in the cafeteria after."
"How did I not know about this?"
"The Dean announced it over the PA last Thursday. Troy even carried me over the threshold into the study room," Abed says. Troy had had a rose in his mouth and declared that next time; he'd just do it that one step instead of carrying someone the length from the dorms to the library. "My guess would be that you were so preoccupied with your recent breakup that you paid even less attention than usual."
"Still," Jeff protests, "I'd like to think I'm not entirely so self-obsessed I didn't notice you and Troy getting married platonically by the Dean."
"It wasn't a wedding," Abed corrects, "Just a minor ceremony in the Dean's office, with the Human Being as a witness."
"Those are different how?"
Abed considers for a moment. "We didn't have a honeymoon, and Troy didn't get me a ring."
"I'd have treated you better," Jeff says. It could have been considered a promise, if Abed believed that was the way the plot was supposed to go. "But it's too late for that now."
"You wouldn't have done it in the first place," Abed points out, "Not really. You offered because it could be something you could wave in your ex's face, even if it wasn't real, and you're running with it because it's funny."
"Tell me again why you're not taking psychology?"
"Professor Duncan hates me," Abed says, although it's not strictly true. He doesn't think Professor Duncan knows him enough to actually hate him, but there is a great deal of resentment for ruining the Duncan Principle. Abed has considered telling him that the Duncan Principle probably still stands, it was just that they didn't wait long enough, but somehow he thinks it wouldn't actually help. "Also, I've learned the psychology I want to learn."
"Dr Phil is great teacher," Jeff agrees. "Okay, so back to the actual issue on hand here, if we find a way to possibly boost the ratings, you'll agree to dismantle the igloo and stop making everyone worry?"
"Pretty much," Abed agrees. "Although I didn't know they were worried."
"Okay, so it's not quite worried yet," Jeff says, "Just mildly concerned, especially after we saw Pierce limp out like he was auditioning for the role of the Hunchback in the school play. I just thought I'd skip ahead a couple of pages, since I'd end up being sent in here anyway."
Abed nods because it's true. Jeff is the only one any of them really trust to fix any sort of situation, no matter how big or small or even if he created them in the first place.
"You mentioned something about an alternate universe or something?"
"A parallel universe episode has gained a lot of popularity in TV shows over the years," Abed says, "Though one of the earliest television plots to feature parallel time was a soap opera called Dark Shadows in 1970. After that it's been used in Star Trek, Red Dwarf, South Park, the OC, Friends, Heroes..."
"Right," Jeff cuts him off, although the list hadn't been that much longer. Abed understands though. "Well it's kind of hard to stage a parallel universe in real life, so how about we just pretend to be parallel versions of ourselves and freak out everyone else?"
"Like a prank?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Okay," Abed says, after thinking it over. "That could work. What versions of ourselves would we be though? They already know vampire-Abed and positive attitude-Jeff."
"First of all, thank you for that," Jeff says, "Second of all, this is your show. What versions do you think we should be?"
"Before I answer that, I need to know exactly how committed you are to this."
Jeff spreads his arms open, palms up. "As committed as I need to be to get you out of this igloo."
"Okay," Abed says, "I think I know what versions we are."
"Somehow," Jeff says, "This had not even occurred to me."
He's wearing one of Abed's shirts again; a twin shirt of the blue striped one Abed had managed to trade for Jeff's much cooler shirt in Spanish last year, along with his in-no-way-hipsterish jeans.
Abed's in one of Jeff's shirts again with a grey cardigan buttoned up over it and his normal jeans.
"You can still back out," he offers, because he knows not everyone sees the world the way he does. This is a bigger deal for Jeff than it is for him.
"I've walked this far," Jeff says, "You really think I'm going to back out now, after getting wolf-whistled at by Señor Chang? I'm seeing this through to the end."
He throws his arm around Abed's shoulders and pulls him close. "You think it'll work?" Abed asks, as they walk the final part to the study room.
"Abed, my man," Jeff says, "I will play this role so convincingly that by the end of it, even you'll be wondering if you're not actually in a parallel universe."
"Cool," Abed says, noticing how Annie and Shirley have already spotted them through the glass. Pierce doesn't seem to have arrived yet. "Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool."
He slips his hand into the back pocket of Jeff's jeans -- a difficult task but not impossible -- as they enter the room, which means Jeff goes in with a squeak of surprise, and not his planned 'hey girlfriends!' greeting.
"Abed," Troy says, laughing. "Baby, come back to me and I'll treat you right this time, I swear."
"Are you hitting on my boyfriend?" Jeff demands, doing a believable performance of an outraged partner. "On our three-month anniversary?"
"What is going on?" Britta says through her giggles.
Abed evalutes the situation quickly -- there's only disbelief now and no potential for the sort of reaction they're ideally looking for to operate on -- and makes a decision to draw Jeff down and kiss him. "It's okay," he says solemnly, "You're the only one for me."
The total silence is more the sort of platform they were looking to work with, and Abed's a little surprised that Jeff takes his seat without a smug grin. He does draw Abed onto his lap though.
"Seriously?" Troy asks, voice high. "This is a joke, right?"
"True love is no joke," Jeff says, eyes wide and serious. "Guys, how is this a surprise? We told you months ago."
"You did?" Annie asks, frowning.
"Nuh-uh," Shirley says, shaking her head furiously. "I would've remembered that conversation for sure."
"You were dating that Jen last week," Britta says, pointing accusingly at Jeff. "I don't know what game you two are playing, but I don't like it."
"Britta," Jeff says softly, wounded. "I didn't think you'd be a homophobe."
"I'm not!" Britta protests, "How can you even say that?"
There's no doubt about it, Abed thinks as the conversation continues in different tones of surprised and confused, this'll do wonders for their dwindling ratings.