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Sette and the Lion

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"Do I gotta teach you everything?" Sette demanded, kicking him in the side. "Lions don't sit around bein' sad and stoopid! They can't on accounta bein' the best animal ever and they go RAWR and pounce and cook people with their fire breath!" She took a deep breath. "RAWR! Like that!"

The lion continued to sit there glumly.

"I don't know what you're so sour bout when you get to be me steed!" She climbed onto his back and dug her heels in when he remained sitting. "C'mon, I bet this is because the gods've chosen me to be their prophet! Y'gotta take me into the city t' me adorin public so I can tell 'em they're not eating people enough and they oughta give me all their stuff or I'll send a plague that'll make their balls fall off!" She jammed her heels into his sides harder.

The lion sighed deeply and rolled over.

She squacked in outrage. "How dare you assault me holy person! That's blasphemy it is! You're the worst bodyguard ever!" She thrashed around, kicking furiously, until she managed to pull herself out from under the lion's bulk. She shook her tail in the lion's face. "Dooya see this? That's a lion tail and it means I'm queen of the lions and you gotta do what I say!"

The lion remained where he was.

Sette climbed onto the lion's belly, then leaned in until they were nose to nose. "Are you mad cuz you're a lady lion?" she asked, yanking on the mane. "Were you really always a lady? I'll shave you if you want!"

"I am not female," the lion told her.

"You got long hair and everything!" she said, yanking harder for emphasis. "I bet you don't got balls!" Sette scrambled around to check and the lion quickly rolled back to his feet and sat down firmly. "Hey! Most childlovers'd be happy for a young lady as beautiful as me to see their balls!" She attempted to lever him up without success, then kicked his leg as hard as she could. "You're doin this cuz you don't got none!" The lion ignored this as well. "Come oooooooon Brother Baelor's the god of both wrights an' soldiers you should be proud he blessed you to be me steed! Now obey your prophet and carry me into town!" She yanked on his tail, trying to get him up.

"Where are my pants?" he said finally.

"LIONS DON'T WEAR PANTS! You've an even worse lion than a zombie! They wouldn't fit you now an' I think they melted into grass and wiggly fish anyways. Those were good fish. They knew I was queen of everything."

"I should have dismantled that pymaric."

"There ain't nothing wrong with Boo! He's smarter an' cleverer than you by a mile, you can tell on account of how he don't give me no lip all the time like a proper Frummagem and don't use big made-up words neither!"

"One would think," the lion said ponderously, "that nearly destroying the khert once would be enough for you. Where did you even get more thread? You stole it from someone, I presume. "

"I found another spider but it didn't work so good as Boo so I wrecky-zitioned its assets! I dunno why people don't set all their gozzy traps to do that, it makes for a lot better've a distraction! You oughta be grateful Boo an' I saved you! I can't be savin' me bodyguard all the time you know! And now I got a lion 'cause the gods bless those who act! We gotta find you another lion so you can have a pride full of babies an' eat heretics together as a family. Did you know lions have babies in bunches just like they're puppies? I got lotsa good names for 'em ready! Do you want a new name to? You'll be called Wrath of Lion, because you're gonna bite people rather than talk to 'em all the time. That's a proper name."

The lion sighed and slumped down again.

"You can marry the other lion if you want first. I know you're weird about stuff like that. I'll officiate! I can do that now I'm a prophet, so you don't gotta worry about finding a priest who'll marry lions."

The lion sighed more deeply.

"Stop sighing! Lions don't sigh! Why are you sighing?"

"I am not even worthy of damnation."

"Ain't that good?"

"It was not enough for my soul to have been rejected upon death, but now rendered simply irrelevant before the khert and God. My soul is no longer even a human's. Even the faint dream of redeption has been snatched from me."

"But you're a lion," Sette said. "And you've got a tail. Plus you're not so bony! I bet you'll be a much better steed an' bodyguard too now. And now you can taste the people you eat! And shoot fire! And command the bees! And heal the sick and make plants grow where you walk and all that stuff too, I guess, if you want."

The lion stared at her. "What?"

"Lion stuff!"