There are few things that can make Tsuzuki angry. He doesn't allow such luxury for himself. He knows it could degenerate into something much more unsavory. So he hides it, slaps a cork and a heap of guilt over it, and pretends it doesn't exist.
This all stemmed back to a simple suggestion to Hisoka. Since the Kyoto incident, Hisoka began coming over to Tsuzuki's house more and more often, until one night Tsuzuki blurted out the suggestion that maybe they should move in together.
Their relationship was showing signs of change and at the time, Tsuzuki thought that progress would come about if they lived together. Of course, he decided to hide that fact from Hisoka and was a little shocked when he agreed to it. Back then, he was excited and hopeful when Hisoka consented to it.
But now, things have changed. After months of living together and no progress in their relationship, his defenses have slowly yielded. Hisoka's words and actions and the lack thereof have driven a wedge between the smallest of cracks in his barriers. Nothing seemed to change, in fact, it seemed that Hisoka was ignoring him and brushing him off more often since living together. And after today's incident, it was the last straw, so by the time he walks through their front door, the edges are crumbling.
He's not paying attention; he nearly slams the door in Hisoka's face. Stopping himself short, he stomps forward and kicks his shoes off.
Hisoka says nothing. Maybe he figures it's just another one of Tsuzuki's little "scenes"; it'll blow away like always. Still, his surprise at the clarity of this display shows in his face, and Tsuzuki catches the look.
Throwing his coat somewhere he doesn't care about, Tsuzuki is delighted to see Hisoka caught off guard. He doesn't dwell on the reasons for his reaction for long. Right now, the thought of his betrayal is the only thing that's sticking in his mind; over and over again, the same memories play. Rejection, disdain. The story of his life, it seems.
Hisoka knows something is very wrong when Tsuzuki stomps out into the living room, lost in his thoughts. Oh, he doesn't need his empathy to know that something is wrong. Having empathy just makes it all the worse, as Tsuzuki rarely, if ever, gets angry. And that anger was never before directed at him.
It's tempting to go out in the living room and ask him about it, but he decides that the best option for now is let Tsuzuki's anger cool down. Taking off his shoes, he heads for the kitchen to start dinner.
Perhaps leaving Tsuzuki alone wasn't the very best of ideas. After a minute of getting the pots and pans together, another slam of a door startles him and he drops a pot to the floor. Footsteps approach him and Hisoka knows Tsuzuki is in the kitchen even before he calls his name.
Swallowing the lump formed in his throat and picking up the pot from the floor, Hisoka looks at Tsuzuki, almost flinching back from the anger he sees in those purple eyes. "W-what?"
It takes only a second for Tsuzuki to corner Hisoka between the kitchen sink and himself. He pries the pot from unresisting fingers, setting it haphazardly away. The clattering is deafeningly loud in the silence, until Tsuzuki speaks again. "You're avoiding me. As usual."
Hisoka scowls. "I'm not avoiding you, I'm trying to make dinner." He turns around toward the sink, escaping the look in Tsuzuki's eyes, or the tension in the air. Perhaps both.
"Liar!" Tsuzuki turns him back around in a momentary fit of determination. It doesn't last long, and in a blink he's back to stuttering, his fuzzy mind hunting for the perfect proof of his accusation. He finds it easily enough. It is all he's been thinking of, ever since… Yes, only some hours ago, right after Hisoka refused his invitation for lunch, again.
It took one peek around the corner to see Hisoka, chatting away with Tatsumi. He couldn't hear what the conversation was about, but there was one thing he couldn't forget. That small smile painted on Hisoka's lips, a smile Tsuzuki has been waiting for so long to be thrown in his direction, and now when he sees it, it's thrown at another.
He spills it out before he's able to assess the situation, his anger starting to take over him. "I thought you just wanted some peace and quiet, but guess what, I was wrong! As long as they're not me, they're worthy of your attention." He pauses for an effect. "Like Tatsumi today. Who's next, Watari? Terazuma?"
"Wha...?" It takes a few seconds for that statement to digest inside of Hisoka's mind, and perhaps if circumstances were different, he would laugh. He shakes his head. Right now, he has to play the role of being the calm one. "I wasn't 'giving attention' to Tatsumi. I needed to talk to him about a report that was due today. I didn't know it was such a crime to talk to another person."
That last comment only makes Tsuzuki's anger bubble and boil. Gritting his teeth, he replies, "Oh, no. You did more than 'just talk'. You smiled . You were..." He pauses, fumbling for the right word. "Flirting!" His hands hit the side of the counter, trapping Hisoka even better in the corner. If the boy thought he was going to escape him now...
He doesn't wait for Hisoka's answer as he continues on, the last word clear in his mind. "Flirting! You... you can't even touch me like normal couples do!" He shudders at this thought, his anger starting to mingle with his self doubt, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Maybe Hisoka had every right not to touch him. After all…
That last accusation, though, breaks Hisoka's calm. "I was not flirting with anyone! I can't even believe you would accuse me of that!" He can't stand being in the same room with Tsuzuki now, the tension too much on his empathy. It doesn't help that the shields Tsuzuki kept around him are gone and it takes all of Hisoka's own effort to keep the anger at bay. He starts to push the older man back from the counter.
But Tsuzuki won't have any of it. He seizes the hands, shoving him and pins them back with ease. "Don't. Even. Try." He spits the words out like they were poison, and maybe they might as well be. "You just don't get it. I'm not sure you even care enough to try. It's like all of this," he nods toward their shared home, the tables and the chairs and the walls they've lived in for months, "was out of pity."
The flinch is strong enough to be visible, even though Hisoka tries to hide it with the shake of his head. "I do care, I wouldn't have moved in with you if I didn't want to!" He struggles again, but so feebly it only brings them closer. It scares him. Tsuzuki has never acted this way.
"Really?" Tsuzuki's grip tightens. He pulls the wrists back and downward, a nervous, offhanded gesture he barely notices himself, but it forces Hisoka to lean back at an awkward angle. "Really? So you've been playing with me on purpose, this look-but-don't-touch… Have you enjoyed it enough?" He laughs, a hollow, humorless sound. "And here I thought that if I could only be patient enough…"
It takes some effort on Hisoka's part not to cry out, the position that Tsuzuki has pushed him in being painful with the counter jabbing into his back. He settles for biting his lip. "I haven't been playing any games..." He shakes his head as he feels tears of frustration forming at his eyes. "Why are you so angry tonight!? Just because I talked to Tatsumi-san today!?"
A soft sigh comes from Tsuzuki as one of his hands runs up Hisoka's arm gently, like a mockery of what he did before. "This…" He pauses, his eyes losing some of their anger. "I guess… I'm giving you a reason to hate me. Like you should." His hand reaches Hisoka's hair and one of his fingers twine a lock of it.
"Why should I hate you...?" Hisoka asks, confusion rising up in him. The anger that Tsuzuki feels is still there, but something else is mixed with it. The gentle, caring feelings that always seemed to be directed at him are there too. Didn't Tsuzuki say that he wanted Hisoka to hate him? It made no sense! "Why are you acting like this!?" Looking down at the floor, he whispers, "I don't understand..."
Tsuzuki grabs more hair, leaning closer, reaching some inner conclusion on how things stand. "Well, you obviously don't want to be with me, not for real." He yanks his hand back a little for emphasis, his emotions scorching him from the inside. "Besides, you'd feel guilty for leaving poor little Tsuzuki all alone if I don't do something."
Anger is starting to take over Hisoka too. "You have no idea how I feel, so stop preaching like you'd know! You're throwing a jealous fit over nothing!" Hisoka grits his teeth and tries to wiggle out from his cornered position. "Now let go of me, I don't want to be near you until you've calmed down."
That seems to snap Tsuzuki into a less agitated frame of mind. He lets go his hold, but doesn't move. Speaking again, he sounds more like a lost boy than the angry man from just a moment before. "You know, you're right. I have no idea how you feel. You've never bothered explaining, so I have to keep guessing and trying to read your gestures and all, but…" Tsuzuki's voice raises a pitch, "it makes no damn sense! You. Make. No. Sense!" He shakes Hisoka by the shoulders, but quickly realizes what he's doing again, and he draws his hands back fast, as if burned.
A scowl crosses Hisoka's face and he realizes he's shaking a little bit. "You should be one to talk! It's not like you ever talk about how you really feel either! Instead, you plaster this false smile on your face and try to fool people that nothing is wrong with you! And then when I ask, you just brush me off as if nothing is wrong, when I damn well know that's not the case! If anything..." He pokes Tsuzuki in the stomach to empathize his point. " You are the one who doesn't make any sense!"
It's after that outburst Hisoka realizes what he just said and that he's shaking like a leaf. Mumbling under his breath, he brushes by Tsuzuki, on the verge of tears. If he doesn't get out of the house right now...
Tsuzuki isn't doing any better. He stands there, not really knowing what to do as Hisoka brushes by him. A part of him just wants to curl himself up into a ball till his famished body mummifies. The other part tells him that Hisoka is... walking away.
"Hisoka!" The sound of his own voice seems to snap him out of his guilt trip. So many possibilities go through his mind: that he should calm down and apologize, or that Hisoka is just going into another room to cool off. But the one possibility that stands out the most is Hisoka walking out the door and leaving him for good. His arms wrap around himself as he whispers, "I'm not ready..."
And that fear rises even more when he hears Hisoka's voice say, "I'm going for a walk," and hears the ruffling of a coat and shoes. The decision comes straight from his spine, with only one instinct driving him: the fear of losing what holds his last remaining threads of sanity.
"Stop." Tsuzuki comes closer, quick, urgent steps until he's right behind Hisoka. They are both still for a moment. Waiting? "I said stop!" He grabs Hisoka's coat by the lapels and throws them both down on the floor. It's not what he means to do, it's not a command. It's a plea.
Hisoka cries out as they fall on the floor in a heap of crumpled clothes and flailing limbs. He tries to get up for the door, slightly frightened by the situation. But his resistance manages nothing but to make the coat slide down and fall off.
Tsuzuki drags them both up, pushing Hisoka against the door.
"Not yet, Hisoka," he whispers, the look of fury in his eyes changing. "I'm not done…"
Trembling a little, Hisoka asks, "W-what are you talking about?" The look in Tsuzuki's eyes is frightening, a mix of anger and some other emotion. In a way, he looks more like an animal, gazing upon his prey.
"This. The chance to…" Tsuzuki pins Hisoka's hands to the door with one hand while he tilts the head with his other. Hisoka expects Tsuzuki to slap him, or to yell at him some more, but what he doesn't expect is Tsuzuki's mouth covering his own, nibbling and sucking at his lower lip with barely contained aggression.
He whimpers softly as he tries to wriggle out of Tsuzuki's hold. Angry lust… That's what he feels from Tsuzuki right now. Worse, it only brings up painful memories in his mind, a blood-red moon, sakura petals… He tries reaching for the door, the panic inside of him starting to well up.
Tsuzuki notes the moves, and the little noises Hisoka makes, and it makes him bolder, makes him think it's the reaction he has always wanted, dreamed of. He trails one hand across the cheek to the back of the neck, then tugs back hard. Hisoka needs just a little encouragement, some help to come to the same conclusions.
He just can't run away before that happens.
"You're not escaping, not this time." Tsuzuki licks Hisoka's lip once more, grabbing the hand that's trying to open the door.
Another tremble passes through Hisoka. "Just stop this, Tsuzuki. We can sit down and talk about what's bothering you…"
"Talk is cheap," Tsuzuki interrupts, his smile lopsided. "But you…" he takes another lick across Hisoka's lips, pushing closer, but pauses to take a small step back. "I've stopped myself so many times… before I even started…" He stands still, spacing out, but still holding steadily on Hisoka's arm.
This only frightens Hisoka even more. He's never seen Tsuzuki like this and it scares him. He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "Just... stop it..."
"You wanted to talk," Tsuzuki answers and lets go abruptly. "So let's go and talk." Bending down, he lifts Hisoka from his waist up to his shoulders.
Hisoka, though, has had it with the games. "Tsuzuki! Put me down! This isn't funny anymore!" He starts kicking and flailing, hoping that Tsuzuki will drop him by accident. If Tsuzuki is playing a joke on him or kidding around, he's not amused.
Neither is Tsuzuki. "Don't," he says, and slaps Hisoka, just enough to startle. "You could fall and hurt yourself. We wouldn't want that, right?" Nuzzling the side of Hisoka's hip, he strides off.
He doesn't have to see it to know Hisoka's blushing right now, whether from anger or embarrassment or both. The yelp after the slap, now that's different.
"Let me go, Tsuzuki. You… you're starting to scare me…"
"I'm sorry. Really sorry." He reaches the bedroom, kicks the door closed behind him and dumps Hisoka on the mattress. "Sorry," he keeps repeating even as he sits over Hisoka's waist and slams his fists down. There's no force behind the motion, and that's lucky for Hisoka since "down" happens to be right on his chest.
Closing his eyes and shaking his head, Tsuzuki tries to clear the odd buzzing from his head. This was not how he wanted to handle this, but he feels like a train locked on one rail, with the brakes malfunctioning. He attempts to take his anger out on himself, but his shirt is in his way. He has to rip it into strips to be able to claw his arms as he mumbles: "Don't make me… don't make me…"
This time, Hisoka grits his teeth from crying out again. He's able to pick up on Tsuzuki's emotions even better now that they're touching. Perhaps it worsens his situation, as almost every emotion that comes from Tsuzuki has its exact opposite and it just confuses Hisoka even more.
Hearing Tsuzuki mumble under his breath only makes him feel more confused. On one hand, Tsuzuki wants this, but on the other, he doesn't want to force Hisoka to do this either. Yet, his actions…
It doesn't help that his own feelings confuse him as much as Tsuzuki's. They're mingled with doubt, but also determination to see this through.
"T-tsuzuki?" he asks tentatively and watches his face.
"Mmm?" He slinks back on Hisoka's hips, eying the shirt that Hisoka is still wearing and observes how frail and small his arm looks under his palm. There's a small voice inside of him that keeps whispering sweet lures of pain and control in his ears. He wants to squash them as bad as he wants to crush the young thing beneath him… No, no, he doesn't want that. "Are you going to make me sorry again?" he asks as he starts to lift the shirt up with his hand.
This brings on a new wave of confusion to Hisoka as he turns his head away and closes his eyes.
Hisoka knew one day that their relationship would eventually come to this. He knew it the day Tsuzuki asked him to move in. He even knew how Tsuzuki felt, it was obvious with the way Tsuzuki treated him and how affectionate he was. Deep down, Hisoka knew he had feelings for Tsuzuki that went beyond simple friendship, but was scared to admit it, for many reasons. He knew it was something he had to overcome and that's what made him decide that he would give Tsuzuki's suggestion of living together a try.
But every time Tsuzuki wanted to take it another step further, Hisoka would always pull back. There was always an excuse he made to himself and a promise that he would try not to pull back the next time it happened. He always broke that promise.
And then there was another side to himself that Hisoka didn't want to admit having. Tsuzuki was always gentle with him; his tone, his attitude, his body language. In those rare moments when Hisoka was honest with himself, he knew he was sick of the 'gentle-patient' attitude and he'd get irritated at Tsuzuki for complying when he pulled back. He was tired of being treated like glass all the time.
But doesn't that mean he wants Tsuzuki to be more aggressive? Isn't this what he wants? And yet...
"It... it shouldn't be like this," he finds himself saying without really thinking.
Tsuzuki caresses the skin that comes into view from underneath the shirt he's rolling up. He bends down, letting his breath tickle Hisoka's jaw. "What should it be like? Please tell me." A choked sound escapes his throat.
"I…" Hisoka forces down the sob threatening to take his voice, "I'm just not ready." The trickles of old memories makes him tremble in spite of his attempt to subdue it. "Not yet…"
The shirt is now a wrinkled heap of cloth over Hisoka's collarbone. Tsuzuki makes a trail of small, almost innocent kisses down from the jaw to where his own hands rest, over the shirt. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I don't want to…" He sits up and starts tugging the cloth up.
Hisoka thinks on this. Isn't this really what he wanted though? What's so wrong in giving in? Isn't Tsuzuki giving the okay too? That he won't hurt him?
No, he didn't want it to be like that. It wasn't fair to either of them.
"I don't want this...," he says and tries to wriggle free from Tsuzuki's grasp. Too much, too fast...
The resistance just brings the anger back up to the surface. No matter how hard he tries, it returns stronger every time. "Didn't I say…" He slaps one shoulder. "Not." Tears the shirt over Hisoka's head. "To." Slaps the other shoulder. "Struggle!?" He glares down at Hisoka, tears of frustration forming at the edges of his eyes. "You're making me hurt you...!"
"Let me go, Tsuzuki! Please! I..."
There has to be some way to make Hisoka listen to him without the struggling. He eyes the remains of his torn shirt and his mind forms an idea. He swears to himself that it's just a temporary thing, just something to keep Hisoka here.
He sits up and raises himself, flips Hisoka over and gathers the flailing arms, seizing one under his knee and holding the other. Using one strip of what used to be his shirt, he ties it around one wrist. "No, nonono, I can't let you leave yet," he says as he ties the other wrist too, and connects the ends of both strips. Handcuffs of cloth, he notes, allowing himself the short moment of mild amusement.
He wouldn't be amused if he knew the whimpering noise Hisoka makes comes with tears of anguish and frustration. He doesn't see, because Hisoka does his best not to show it. Hisoka doesn't want to appear weak, no, even when his strength is failing and the pretence is getting too hard to keep up.
It has a whole other effect on Tsuzuki. He finds himself nuzzling against Hisoka's neck, choking in his own anger, frustration, and the unwelcome thrill of doing this. If his desires are a shock to Hisoka, they're nothing less to him.
"Please, don't make me more sorry," Tsuzuki whispers, stretching his body and slipping to the side. He's not sure what he's asking there; does he mean Hisoka shouldn't stop him, or that he should?
"If you're really sorry, you'll stop and let me go..." Hisoka whispers softly, but deep down, he's not so sure. He looks up at Tsuzuki, confusion welling up inside of him. "I don't understand..." He sighs and lets out one question that's been bothering him now. "Why?"
It's just then that Tsuzuki notices that Hisoka has been crying. He wipes the tears away from his cheeks. Maybe now, he would get some answers from Hisoka. "Why? Why did you push me away every time I tried to kiss you? Why would you never let me stay in your bed for the night?" He brushes his lips against Hisoka, but it's so light, that Hisoka wonders if their lips even touched. "If I let you go now..." He shakes his head, not wanting to think about that.
"Because..." Maybe now is the best time to be honest with Tsuzuki, as he seems calmer and ready to listen. "Because I was scared." Hisoka looks away, fear rising up within him as he thinks about how Tsuzuki felt before and swallows the lump in his throat. "Now I'm not sure if you care about me or just lust after me."
Sighing, Tsuzuki hugs Hisoka closer in his arms, trying to soothe them both by stroking his back in light touches. "I do care, it's not that." He presses his teeth very gently on Hisoka's shoulder, as if regretting his words already. "I can't. I can't keep pretending I don't want to touch you, or kiss you, or make you scream…" He forces his mouth shut, shuddering in delight of the mental pictures his wayward brain wants to show him. He pushes them down. He still hasn't figured that it'll only make them come back stronger.
The answer confuses Hisoka even more. "How… long have you been keeping this from me?"
Tsuzuki smiles as he rests his forehead on the small dent his teeth made just a moment ago. "Too long, I guess," he replies, giving in to his urge to lick the spot he's leaning on. His hands seem to already have a mind of their own; they keep tracing the dip of waistline and the rough denim over the hips.
A small whimper escapes Hisoka's throat and he realizes to his horror, that it's not because of resistance, and finds his body reacting positively to Tsuzuki's actions. "Why... why didn't you say anything about it? Why do you always hide things from me...?" He sighs. Was he really any better?
Something in the situation makes Tsuzuki bolder. Bending his head down, he mumbles against the skin, "I thought you knew. You're the empath." He lets his lips ghost over the line of shoulder, the soft touch changing into quick nibbles as he starts rubbing his hands over the curve of Hisoka's bottom.
"That... that doesn't mean I know what you're thinking, only what you're feeling! And not everyone thinks the same way they feel." The emotions emitted definitely didn't match what he had in mind.
Grinding against Hisoka, raining kisses everywhere he can reach, Tsuzuki's hanging on his last threads of self-restraint. It's like he has to prove his feelings right now, before he loses this chance, and this is the only way he knows how. Or the only way he wants to consider. He's not too contemplative on that.
"Would it have changed anything?"
"It would have," Hisoka answers with all the honesty he can muster. It feels difficult to speak, since he's trying to remain calm and subdue the reactions of his traitorous body.
"Really?" Tsuzuki thinks on this, turning the words around in his head as he tickles Hisoka's sides with his fingertips. Soon he starts snickering, but it sounds void of any humor. "So, it's my fault, this too?"
He looks at Tsuzuki, puzzled. Why was he laughing? "It is your fault! If you told me how you felt about things instead of having me guess or assume nothing is wrong..." But even that argument felt half-hearted. Didn't Hisoka do the same thing with Tsuzuki? Trying to hide how he felt instead of telling him.
The snickering dies out soon enough as Tsuzuki nuzzles the cheek. "You know now. What are you going to do about it?" He asks as he starts to suck juncture of the neck and shoulder.
A bitter laugh escapes Hisoka's lips. "Do? You expect me to do something?" He emphasizes his point by wriggling his tied-up wrists that are behind his back. Sighing softly, he says, "What's the point when you're just going to force me anyways?" He shakes his head. "Doing anything now would be useless..." Did he even want to stop Tsuzuki?
"Useless?" Tsuzuki lifts himself upward. "So far everything I've done or tried has been useless but this." He nestles his face down into Hisoka's neck. "You're the only one forcing anything right now. You're forcing yourself to resist anything I might do. You're forcing me to make my thoughts really damn clear."
Hisoka's reaction comes without hesitation, just like it was ready and waiting to be said. "I'm not! I just don't… want…" That's how far he gets until he realizes he is resisting, and it makes him wonder why. This is what couples do, right? He's getting more and more confused.
"See? You say you don't want any of this, and yet, you stay there and let me continue when you could have kicked me a thousand times, or struggled for real, not just for show." He sits up, his fingers playing with the waistband of Hisoka's jeans. "I don't want to hurt you. I'm not going to force you." Tsuzuki closes his eyes as he swears again and again that this is the complete truth and that he didn't really mean to be so rough. And he's going to wake up any moment and find this is all a nightmare, a warning so he'd never repeat it in reality.
Hisoka shakes his head. "I... I did! But... I didn't want to hurt you!" He chews his lower lip, considering his next words carefully. "I do care about you, but..."
"You care? You… care?!" Tsuzuki shakes his head at the absurdity. "And how the hell would I know that?" He spreads his arms wide in a gesture of surrendering, his anger mixing with his lack of self-worth. "Do I look so hideous? Or so dirty you can't take the chance to touch me?"
Tsuzuki's words, however, cut deep inside of him. How would Tsuzuki know if he cared if he never showed him? "I..." Hisoka starts before he turns away, his own guilt taking over. He can't look at Tsuzuki, he has no real right to look at him, and it only makes him feel worse.
"No." Despair is burning, cutting through Tsuzuki, fuelled by Hisoka's silent agreement. He shoves the remains of his shirt off the bed and sits beside Hisoka, grips his jaw and makes him look. "No, you have to look at me and say it!"
He gets no answer, only more trembling and even more tightly closed eyes. Tsuzuki can't help but feel a little guilty for lashing out again. But even the guilt can't make the frustration go away. He's shaking as his fingers dig into Hisoka's shoulder, until he sees the skin is on the verge of bruising. Quickly he loosens his hold and pets the fading marks, trying to apologize through his actions.
"…please?" he whispers. He chews on his lip for distraction, until he notices he bit too hard. A sharp ache spreads from the already healing nick, but he finds it oddly soothing. It's something to focus on. So concrete and true.
Hisoka knows Tsuzuki isn't going to give up until he gets an answer. He opens his eyes and tells Tsuzuki the truth. "I can't lie to you... You're far from hideous... You... You're beautiful..." He feels a tear trickle down his cheek and wonders what pain he's crying for, if not for the emotional turmoil he's feeling.
It seems that Hisoka's answer was unexpected to Tsuzuki, as he appears lost for words. He looks into Hisoka's eyes, as if he's checking to see if this is another lie or another trick. The teary expression on Hisoka face is the only proof he needs of the opposite.
But it just made no sense. Hisoka found him beautiful, and yet, he never told or showed him until now. And why did it take so much effort on his part to say this to him? He crawls over to the edge of the bed and clutches his head in pain, trying to figure this all out, mingling with the fact that he hurt Hisoka yet again.
Still for a moment, he makes a guess as to what Hisoka wants. "I guess I should untie you."
Hisoka doesn't answer right away. He wishes that this had never happened, that it had never come down to this. He wishes he'd done things differently and actually followed his own advice. So many wishes...
But as much as he could wish, that wouldn't change things the way they are now. The urge to run away is fairly strong. Demand that Tsuzuki unties him, go to sleep and forget about this in the morning. Let things go back to normal. He could go back to hiding, Tsuzuki could go back to hiding, and life would go on. That way, it would be comfortable.
But would that change things? You can hide yourself only for so long. Besides, wasn't that running away? Hadn't they done enough of that?
What Hisoka says next surprises him. "I'm sorry."
Blink. "For what?"
Hisoka turns his head, guilt rising up inside of him as Tsuzuki's words come back to him. "Because you were right. How would you know if I cared about you if I didn't show you or at least tell you once in a while? And..." A sob breaks its way out of his throat as realization dawns on him. "Oh god... I knew something like this would eventually happen between us and yet..."
Leaning down, Tsuzuki lays himself beside Hisoka, tentatively holding him and turning him to his side so that the pressure on his hands eases. "I've hurt you now, have I?" He stares off into the distance.
Hisoka tries hard to hide his tears from Tsuzuki, not wanting to show weakness, but the harder he tries, the more the tears fall down his cheeks. "How... how can you keep thinking about how I feel when I've probably done worse and over a longer period of time?"
Laying his head down on Hisoka's shoulder Tsuzuki tries to comprehend all this. It's not like Hisoka to admit something like that. Then again, it's not like himself, either, to do something like this, and if anything were normal in any way, he'd never dare to answer like he does. "Should I make you pay for it then?" Part of him still wants to insist he's joking about it, but deep inside, he knows it's nothing but an excuse to keep going like this. Or perhaps it's not such a well-guarded secret because Tsuzuki catches his fingers toying along Hisoka's spine; down all the way to the waistband he can't seem to stop nudging.
Hisoka looks up, sniffling a bit. He's nervous, he doesn't know what to make of that question. It would be so like Tsuzuki to joke around and still mean it, but on the other hand... The thought is making him edgy, but his head is clearly not listening to his body right now.
As soon as he asks, he feels cool hands slipping under his jeans, and kisses showered on his arms, to his elbow, where the soft lips skip down to his side. Tsuzuki might have said something in between; something about "thinking it over" but he can't really discern it now.
Hisoka forces himself not to move away, feeling only a tad uncomfortable. He has to know if Tsuzuki is just playing another game or if he is being serious. "Please. Just tell me. How... can I make it up to you?" He wonders briefly why he's being insistent. Is it because he wants to make it up to Tsuzuki or is it because he knows what Tsuzuki has in mind and wants to do it? That thought is slightly frightening.
A slow grin unfolds on Tsuzuki's face. "Well, since you're asking so nicely..." He lightly pets the skin and bends down to Hisoka's ear and whispers, "Surrender. Give up. Stop fighting yourself. " A shudder of excitement passes through Tsuzuki and it takes all of his willpower not to rip off the rest of their clothes right there.
Watching Hisoka's every movement, nervous that he blew his chance now, Tsuzuki feels his hope dying when he sees the fear in Hisoka's eyes. Each minute that passes by feels like torture and he's about to say that he's done and ready to leave, but then, barely audible, Hisoka says "Okay..." Tsuzuki looks back down to Hisoka, stunned, wondering if it was just his imagination. The look in Hisoka's eyes and the slow nod tell him otherwise.
His breath catches and his heart jumps, filling his head with anticipation, excitement, burning need. It's like a sudden fever running through him. Tugging the pants and fiddling with the button, he still gives a chance to back down. "Well, this would have to go first."
Hisoka nods even when the swarm of Tsuzuki's emotions rush in, making his fears rise up again. He closes his eyes. Fear will have to wait for now.
The button and zipper unfasten in no time, but Tsuzuki's not satisfied with the silence. He wants a reaction, and there's one in particular he's longing to see. "Look at me, Hisoka," he says, placing his hand over the exposed flesh and starts stroking slowly but firmly up and down.
Hisoka's eyes open and he meets Tsuzuki's gaze. He bites down on his lip, hard.
"That's better," Tsuzuki remarks as he inches the cloth down lower and looks up for a moment. "But don't bite your pretty lip like that." He leans back down, licking the skin around the navel. "That's what I'm here for." And he makes this point by biting down on the skin.
A small whimper escapes Hisoka's throat and he realizes that it wasn't a whimper of pain. Could he actually enjoy something like this? His fear and anxiety settle down as he waits for what's to come.
It's sheer music in Tsuzuki's ears. Such a small reaction, but it's clearly colored by desire. It's a start.
"Now that's," he pauses to tear the pants off completely, letting his eyes roam over the naked body, "very good. You're beautiful."
Hisoka's skin flushes a soft pink tinge and he tries to cover himself, only to be reminded that his hands are still very much tied behind his back.
Tsuzuki smirks. "Guess it was a good idea to tie you up then." He tickles up one leg. "Wonder how hard I can make you blush?" he smiles. Bending down, he trails the line he tickled with his mouth, nipping a bit at every spot.
Hisoka continues to chew on his lower lip, tasting the coppery flavor of his own blood. Normally, he would have thrown a retort at Tsuzuki by now, but nervousness holds him back and he remains silent.
Tsuzuki is a little disappointed by the lack of a scathing remark; it would, at least, give him an excuse to pester the boy back. But on the other hand, the silence is new and exciting in itself. "Already so willing to surrender? Hmmm..." He starts licking the insides of Hisoka's legs as he begins to spread them apart.
He feels a little disappointed when Hisoka doesn't rise to a retort again, but is pleasantly surprised when the boy willingly moves his legs further apart. As if it was an invite to Tsuzuki, it surely feels like a victory of sorts. His blushing partner isn't resisting, but that's not enough. Not at all.
"Yes, like that..." He persuades the legs even wider, holding them up and nibbling along the side.
Hisoka isn't resisting at all anymore, in fact he's nodding and complying, Tsuzuki's demands making his heart beat faster. A rush of excitement passes through him, but he can't discern its source anymore.
Settling in a comfortable position, Tsuzuki holds Hisoka's legs in place as he takes in the view. The blush is still quite adorable. But that whimper was even sweeter.
He slides back, bends down and makes a slow, exploring lick from the bottom to the tip of the shaft. He takes his time. There's so many little things to uncover, so much to learn.
A soft whimper escapes Hisoka's mouth. He tries to move his hands, but he forgets they're tied behind his back, so he settles for fisting the sheets; pleasure and fear start to blend inside of him.
Tsuzuki smiles at the small moves, the whole scene a picture of perfection. He breathes in. Everything about Hisoka is so flawless right now, it's like a banquet laid out in front of him. "Should I do something about those hands? Bind them tighter so you won't forget them every five minutes?" He decides to take another taste of his feast, rolling his tongue over the tip.
Chewing on his lower lip, Hisoka still keeps the noise level down, too timid to let out anything louder than soft whimpering. He still holds his tongue from the retorts, since he wouldn't know what to say. Or is it because he's afraid to say anything, not wanting to ruin the moment they're sharing now; he can't be sure.
Tsuzuki wraps his lips around the tip, slowly running his tongue over, then slides down. It feels just as wonderful as he thought it would, the hardening flesh between his lips, even the gag that comes when he takes it deeper.
Hisoka trembles beneath him. He's trying so hard to suppress his reactions, to stop the moans building in his throat. But even when he closes his eyes, he feels Tsuzuki's eyes on him, the warm mouth working up and down in a relaxed pace, and it's increasingly hard to keep his control.
Soon Tsuzuki's had enough of that. One last lick, and he raises his head to say: "Please stop holding back like that. It's unhealthy. Besides, what did I say about biting your lovely lips like that?"
Hisoka opens his eyes and feels his face flush up from embarrassment. "S-sorry..." He is surprised that he manages to find his voice. "It's just..." Should he tell Tsuzuki about before? About what he wants? What would he think though?
Tsuzuki tilts his head, curious about what goes on in that pretty little head. Not like he's ever had a good idea of it before. "Just what?" He nibbles along the back of the thighs, which are still held up. He whispers, "Tell me, I want to know..."
Hisoka takes a deep breath. It was sink or swim now. "I... don't know what to feel. This... scares me, but I want... more..." He shakes his head and feels himself blushing again. "Before when you... bit me... It... hurt, but... I liked it... I like it when you're rough..." He turns his face away, feeling ashamed of himself. Maybe Tsuzuki would stop now, disgusted at him.
The worry is most unfounded. Quite the opposite, Tsuzuki is growing even more excited, the mere possibility of playing rough makes him shudder in delight. "You mean… you want me to 'hurt' you more?"
Hisoka's eyes widen with the suggestion. Swallowing the lump in his throat he nods his consent. He knows he asked for this, but by gauging what Tsuzuki seems to be thinking, just bits and pieces of random thoughts, it's still making him feel a little awkward.
Smiling, Tsuzuki pushes Hisoka's legs against his chest and leans down. He starts with gentle touches up the hipline while his mouth tickles one nipple until it's nice and hard. He blows cool air over it, and bites down sharply.
Hisoka manages to hiss out a yes along with nodding his head. But there's so much more that he wants...
A shiver of excitement runs down Tsuzuki's spine. Every tiny reaction that Hisoka shows only makes his blood pump faster, the thrill of actually doing this becomes overwhelming to him. He doesn't know why, but he's nearly aching to act out every bit of his most shameful fantasy, all the thoughts that ever managed to escape his inner censor, and then go further.
"Mmm, that's more like it..." He teases the other nipple the same way. "Feel free to make noise," he whispers before he clamps his teeth around it, fast enough to be only a little shock of sensation.
Hisoka cries out, his fingers grabbing onto the sheets once again. His lips are slightly parted now, letting in small breaths of air. He had no idea how intoxicating this could really be, especially after he stopped forcing himself to resist. The excitement he feels from Tsuzuki blends into his own and what fears that were inside of his mind are like distant memories.
"More?" Tsuzuki grins, letting his body press heavier over Hisoka. He suckles the skin around one nipple, teasing the other to hardness with his fingers. Then he decides to double the effort by biting down on one hardened nub, tweaking and tugging the other.
Hisoka's eyes remain closed as his head presses against the pillow. Breaths come in short gasps, and he wonders which one of them is enjoying this more, or if it even matters.
After a moment of playing, Tsuzuki sits up and gathers Hisoka in his arms, placing him so that he's sprawled around his lap. He grabs some hair again; Hisoka wanted it rough, and he's glad to comply now. "Your turn. If you're not good," Tsuzuki smirks and runs his finger down Hisoka's back, "you'll notice. Very soon." He makes his point by pinching the skin on the backside, hard enough to bruise.
Hisoka yelps and tries to bring his hands around again on instinct. He grumbles under his breath, Tsuzuki's smirk saying that he has no intention of untying him, and he presses his lips to Tsuzuki's.
The smirk vanishes when Hisoka bites down on the lower lip. However, Tsuzuki's hiss of pleasure only brings out more of the side Hisoka tried to suppress and again, he clamps his teeth down, hard enough to cut. He suckles and laps at the wound, savouring the coppery taste.
The guttural noises Tsuzuki makes are urging Hisoka further, trailing down the neck, licking at a sensitive spot before biting down hard enough to leave a mark. He laps at the love bite, his eyes looking up occasionally for approval.
His forwardness is new and exciting to Tsuzuki. Hisoka has never been passive, only much more timid with things like this. He has no time to dwell on it, the teeth are closing in on his skin again and he has to take hold on Hisoka's waist to keep the last bits of his sanity, or was that just wishful thinking, his nails are digging in anyway and his grip is getting tighter. Part of him wants Hisoka to turn the tables on him, to drive them back to the more familiar roles of leading and following. That's what he expected this to be like: Hisoka obtaining the lead, dragging him along and taking total control.
His thoughts are halted as those lips reach his own nipple, suckling a bit and biting down, so hard that he has to jump a little, a low moan of pain-mixed pleasure escaping him. He arches to the touch, but it's the last concession he makes with that part of him. The other side is much stronger.
"Oh, you're getting naughty there. Should I remind you of your place?" Tsuzuki says, scraping his nails over the hip, then swiftly slapping the bottom with an open palm.
Yelping at the sudden slap, Hisoka looks up at Tsuzuki, his eyes half-lidded. "I think I need a reminder..." And he proves that by pushing himself forward and rubbing against Tsuzuki's body.
Tsuzuki is a little taken aback. Hisoka has never teased him so openly before. Wriggling a bit, he asks, "You do?" He looks down as the boy nods his head. A smile spreads on his lips. "I'll be glad to give one." He settles the legs around his own waist. "Or two." He smacks the other side, hand flat, making a thud.
Hisoka buries his face into Tsuzuki's shoulder, shutting his eyes. But he's not allowed to stay like that for long. Tsuzuki's hand threads through his hair and the next thing he knows, his head is yanked back.
Tsuzuki licks his lips. "I want to see your face," he whispers, and slaps harder, cupping his palm for extra effect.
Another yelp, and Hisoka opens his eyes, seeing the unconcealed hunger painted over Tsuzuki's face. He feels his skin flush a bright red once again, and his pulse is racing.
"More?" Tsuzuki asks, smiling, but not waiting for an answer. He smacks with his fingers rigid, watching intently at every reaction he gets. He snuggles against Hisoka's neck, breathing hard and leaving a little love bite behind. "Silly me, of course you want more," and his whole palm slams on Hisoka's butt, stopping for a teasing tickle between the cheeks.
The hunger in Tsuzuki's eyes and the feel of his hand is a little too much for him and a moan that he's been trying to suppress so hard escapes him. His cheeks flush up even more, feeling a little embarrassed.
That simple sound makes Tsuzuki nearly delirious. He sinks his teeth into Hisoka's shoulder while his hands keep busy, the one spanking and stroking in alteration and the other squeezing and pressing them closer.
Hisoka wriggles closer to Tsuzuki as he closes his eyes, tilting his head back. This all seems like a dream, or perhaps it's just one of his fantasies that he tried to desperately stifle? Dreams and fantasies don't feel this real though. That thought worries him for a brief second before he's pulled away from his thoughts with another slap to his butt. He balls his fingers into fists, his nails digging into his palms, and lets his thoughts slip away. He would worry about them later.
Meanwhile, Tsuzuki is pulling him back by the wrists, bending down to scrape his teeth over the hard nipples, a deeper shade of red developing under his attention. Not for long though, he has plans that won't wait.
He grabs Hisoka from shoulder and waist, heaving him down to lie on his stomach. He makes sure not to be too gentle about it. Standing up, he reminds Hisoka once more of who's, supposedly, in charge here: "Stay right there, don't move. I'll be right back."
Hisoka whimpers softly at the loss but nods, submitting as requested. Idly he wonders what Tsuzuki has in mind, but the flip-flops in his guts feel almost pleasant, nervousness tickling his insides.
It doesn't take long for Tsuzuki to find what he's looking for. He makes a sweeping glance to all the other interesting prospects hidden in his personal drawer, but decides against their use for now. He walks straight back to Hisoka's bedside, taking a moment to get rid of his own pants.
"Good boy, now you can get your reward," he grins as he starts stroking Hisoka's back, obviously teasing with the lazy pace. The grin grows bigger when he hears the soft sigh coming from Hisoka. He bends Hisoka's legs by the knees, making his butt rise up but not letting him move too much either way. "Can you stay like that?" He looks at the positioning, hunger flashing in his eyes. "You should." He uncaps the tube he brought with him, not taking his eyes from Hisoka for a second.
Hisoka wriggles himself a little bit, trying to get into a more comfortable position, but it ends up looking like an invite than a shift in position. "I'll try, but it might be a little hard..." He wriggles his tied wrists to prove his point.
"Oh, I know how hard it is." Tsuzuki smears his fingers, kissing and nipping the sensitized skin. Hisoka moans softly and wriggles his butt. Whether it's on purpose or not doesn't matter, it travels straight to Tsuzuki's already achingly hard erection.
"Mmh, you're getting naughty again…" He spreads the lube around, circling the tight entrance with nothing but one fingertip.
Hisoka whimpers softly. He feels a little uncomfortable and afraid what's going to happen soon, but that doesn't stop him from wriggling around. "Then you'll just... have to punish me for it, won't you?"
"Yes... Don't worry, I will," Tsuzuki says as he slips a finger inside, murmuring, "Such disobedience." He wipes his other hand carelessly on the sheets and reaches with it to pinch and tug and twist the nipples, while easing another finger in and making little teeth marks wherever he can reach.
Hisoka whimpers again as those fingers slip inside him. It still doesn't stop him from wriggling. "Oh yes, you'll have to punish me good for being so disobedient." He can barely believe he's teasing Tsuzuki so openly, his head feels a little fuzzy.
Stopping for a moment, Tsuzuki wonders about this change in Hisoka. He hums to himself as he pushes a third digit in, not bothering too much with gentleness. He starts eyeing their surroundings for suitable disciplinary opportunities. Scraping the nails of his other hand across Hisoka's chest he murmurs: "Tell me, do you know how bad little boys get punished?"
"No, I'm waiting for you to show me," Hisoka answers between gasps. Squirming, he tries to convey his impatience.
Something finally catches Tsuzuki's eye. "Well in that case you won't have to wait long." He pulls his fingers out and reaches to the mass of clothes on the floor. "Stay perfectly still." Shuffling the clothes, he folds something, keeping it out of Hisoka's sight until he turns back toward him.
He's holding his leather belt, caressing the buckle with a smirk in his face. "Now scream," and he swings the loop straight on the buttocks.
Hisoka only has a brief second to wonder what Tsuzuki means when he suddenly feels the shock on his bottom and he does end up crying out, louder than he thought he would.
The sound snaps Tsuzuki momentarily out of his trance-like state. He leans in and whispers, "Learned your lesson already?" as he trails the leather against the thigh gently.
Moaning softly and rubbing himself against the leather belt, Hisoka replies, "You decide." He wriggles and arches himself towards Tsuzuki, disproving Tsuzuki's question. He wonders if he's lost his mind, at this point, and realizes that he doesn't really care either way.
Tsuzuki tilts his head and bites down on Hisoka's arm. "Then you're still learning," he concludes and brings the belt down on the thighs, repeating the short slashing motion twice. "Mmm, still not ready?"
Crying out, panting, Hisoka shakes his head, continuing his teasing. "I think… I need another lesson… Sensei."
"Ah," Tsuzuki's breath hitches at the odd endearment. "Clever one, aren't you?" He tilts Hisoka's head up by the jaw, smiles, and makes a hard swing down, the belt hitting the reddening butt with a sharp sting.
He lashes out again, and again, fascinated by the sound of his belt sweeping against raw skin and the sight of the color changing from pink to angry red. And Hisoka's willingness for this, that's what makes it so intoxicating.
He takes note of Hisoka's reactions, the way his mouth opens to let in the small gasps of air and the way his eyes have closed. It's so hard to tell how far he can go, and it's getting harder to stop at the limit. He brushes his hand lightly across the red skin and notices it's hot to the touch. Deciding Hisoka has had enough for the time being, he puts the belt to one side to grab the lube.
Bending down, Tsuzuki whispers, "You don't need any more of this, but I'll use some anyway, because I'm nice like that." Grinning, he adds, "You should appreciate it."
"T-thank you," is the mumbled reply Tsuzuki gets back.
"Good. Show me you mean it too," Tsuzuki says as he settles closer to Hisoka's head until his erection is nearly brushing against the cheeks. It's not exactly subtle, but he's longing to feel those lips on his body again. He looks at the glowing skin he whipped, and decides to soothe the burning a little. Squirting a small drop of lube on Hisoka's butt, he spreads it all over.
Hisoka reaches out with his tongue, tentatively licking the head. He thinks it's like licking an ice cream, somehow that's amusing and appropriate at the same time. This is Tsuzuki, after all. He glances up occasionally for approval; it's not a very easy position for him and it's all so new.
He gets encouraging nods and smiles from Tsuzuki, but they turn impatient and demanding fast. Soon, he's dragged up by his shoulders, pushed back to lean on his legs, and Tsuzuki slides to sit in front of him. He's a little stunned at first, but he soon catches the message. Smirking to himself, he wraps his lips around the head, swirling his tongue around.
Hisoka knows he's doing this right when he hears the pleased sigh come from Tsuzuki. "There, that's a good start..." He feels Tsuzuki push forward a bit, forcing more into his mouth and this only amuses Hisoka even more. He intakes as much as he can before moving back up, deliberately dragging his teeth along the way.
Tsuzuki waits until Hisoka's all the way up, then he pulls back a bit, grabs the belt and delivers a swift swing down to the backside. It draws a delicious little moan from Hisoka's lips. "Mind the teeth," he smirks, pushing closer as if daring Hisoka to do it again.
Which is exactly what Hisoka does. Wrapping his lips around the tip, sliding down, he scrapes his teeth carefully against the skin all the way. But it's not as if Tsuzuki minds too much; no, it's just a very convenient reason to hand out more discipline to the stubborn boy. He moans low in his throat, the warm mouth feeling every bit as good as he dreamed.
"Hisoka…" He takes hold of Hisoka's head and holds it up. "That's not what I told you to do," he chides. And he makes his point with a series of short but severe strikes.
After a brief cry, Hisoka looks up at Tsuzuki. "Then... I guess I need the proper punishment for that too."
Oh, the boy is asking for it again. Tsuzuki looks down to Hisoka, his smile widening into something nearly predatory. "Yes, you do." He pushes Hisoka to sit upright, trails the buckle up and across the chest, thinking of his next move. In the end, it's not a difficult decision. "Hold still for a moment." He ties the belt twice around Hisoka's neck, making sure it's not too tight, and buckles up. He admires his work along with his Hisoka, who looks down at it and back up at him.
"It suits you," Tsuzuki explains, noticing the confused expression on Hisoka's face. "It's just for decoration though."
He moves to the side, caressing the stretched arms down to the wrists. "Now I want you to bow down."
He doesn't give Hisoka a chance to do it on his own. Instead he slaps him hard enough to make him lose his balance and fall face down to the pillow, writhing helplessly. Tsuzuki licks his lips; Hisoka looks very enticing like this. So deliciously submissive, so willing to please.
"Did I give you the permission to move?" Tsuzuki slaps the swaying hips gently as he sets himself behind. "I didn't. You should've learned to obey by now."
He wets his fingers and pushes two fingers in at once, pleased to note that the lube is still working, as it should.
"I'm sorry... Sensei," Hisoka says. "I'll try harder to obey." He sniffles as he buries his face into the pillow when Tsuzuki's fingers enter him again. He's tempted to move again, but decides not to, wanting to prove that he still has control over himself.
A hum of approval. "Good... You get to move soon then." Another finger makes its way inside, stretching at an agonizing pace. Whimpering, Hisoka bites his lower lip and buries his face deeper into the pillow, knowing that Tsuzuki is purposely going slow. It takes all his will power to keep still.
Tsuzuki pushes in up to his knuckles, wriggles, and slides out slowly. He knows it's slow, and every little shiver that goes through Hisoka makes his own hardness twitch in sympathy, but he wants to take this part as slow as he can. He takes care not to stimulate too much, it wouldn't do to have Hisoka come too soon…
He sees Hisoka is biting his lip again, eyes closed tight and hands fisted. The thought of causing this state of arousal is making his blood rush, faster, burning in his veins.
At last, he pulls out and leans against Hisoka's back. He speaks soft and low right behind the ear: "Ready?" Hearing the hissed out "Yes" makes him shiver as he guides himself to the correct spot and slides in, trying to go at a slow pace. It's not that easy; Hisoka's so very warm and tight around him. Watching doesn't help, in fact, he only wants to make that pretty mouth gasp and hiss and cry for more. He bites on the shoulder for relief, but it's only a small distraction.
Tsuzuki being inside of him feels a little weird. It's a little painful as well, but on the other hand, it's... enjoyable. He fidgets his fingers a little bit, and ends up tickling Tsuzuki's stomach in the process.
Breathing harder, Tsuzuki stops to lick the back of Hisoka's neck, only now noticing the fingers that are tickling him. He sits up and starts massaging the arms and wrists. They might be feeling numb by now.
"If you want, I could cut you free," he suggests.
Hisoka takes a moment to fully digest the offer; losing himself had never felt so compelling and easy to do before. "Mmm, I want, I promise I won't escape. I'll be good."
"You wouldn't anyway," Tsuzuki reminds him as he raises the arms up to kiss the fingers. "But I appreciate hearing that."
He loosens the knot, undoing it with barely any trouble. He holds Hisoka down with one hand as he pulls the last thread of cloth off the wrists.
A whimper escapes Hisoka as he feels himself being pushed back onto the bed. He wiggles his fingers and his body a little, trying to get the feeling back, and nods his head, signaling that he's ready for Tsuzuki to continue.
Moaning, Tsuzuki thrusts back, the small movement nearly forcing him to press harder, faster. He wonders if he should just close his eyes; even the simplest of actions that Hisoka does brings him so close to the edge. But that would mean he wouldn't be able to see Hisoka at all and that's not what he wants...
Whimpering softly, Hisoka clutches the bed sheets, feeling more and more uncomfortable lying on his stomach. He writhes and tries to push himself up; Tsuzuki isn't making that very easy for him though.
Longer, unhurried thrusts as Tsuzuki tries to control himself, and he's not succeeding that well. If Hisoka would just stop squirming like that!
Then he realizes that he's still pressing down. That might have something to do with it. He lifts his weight off Hisoka's back and trails his hands down, gripping the hips and steadying them.
Hisoka sits up shakily, making a choked moan as he wraps his palm around his erection. Tsuzuki is holding him up by the waist now, pulling them closer and upright. And the kisses, they go up and down his neckline, over and over as the thrusts get harder, faster, nails digging into his skin.
Hisoka, however, doesn't even realize the shift in position. He starts to stroke himself, watching the entire time, not taking any real notice of anything, his eyes starting to become dilated. Whatever control he had on his empathy is totally lost now and he lets himself completely go.
Tsuzuki, on the other hand, is mesmerized as he watches Hisoka, who continues to stroke himself faster, eyes closed. He grinds his hips in a short thrusting motion. Just the sight of Hisoka in a state of rapture, the taste of his lightly sweaty skin and the sound of his heavy breathing makes this too good to be bearable.
Their moves start getting more forceful and erratic. Tsuzuki sneaks his hands to tweak the nipples, to bruise more sensitive skin, until he finds he's twined the fingers of one hand with Hisoka's, caressing the hardened flesh with a firm hold. He tugs the belt back, forcing Hisoka's head to turn so he can reach for a kiss.
It brings Hisoka back to reality for a fleeting moment. He returns the kiss with equal fervour, only to close his eyes and fall back into that strange trance again.
Sharp and fast, back and forward, Tsuzuki grits his teeth to keep himself from the brink. Hovering between thrilling and explosive, holding back and increasing the tempo of his hand is all he can do. That, and sink his teeth into the swollen lower lip.
That's all Hisoka needs before he goes falling over the edge. He feels himself spill over their twined hands as he parts his lips from Tsuzuki's, trying to calm his breathing.
Tsuzuki is not too far behind him. Seeing Hisoka drip and spurt over his hand, combined with the tight grip and the rhythmic spasms… He's pushed over, choked moans escaping him.
A soft moan wrings its way out of the boy as he feels part of Tsuzuki's orgasm wash over him. It takes him several minutes to calm down and even out his breathing before he looks up at Tsuzuki. It seems like such a long moment that he's just staring, watching Tsuzuki slowly ceasing all motions, and then gradually relaxing. He's still watching when Tsuzuki lays his head on his shoulder, and when the dilated, violet eyes finally blink open.
Those eyes are not looking happy. They're turning frightened by the second.
A warm droplet splatters on his hand, and he realizes it wasn't Tsuzuki's unhappiness he saw; it was a reflection of his own. Reality is finally coming back in his consciousness, and it bites hard.
Tsuzuki waits. Every moment stretches on, torturing him. By the time he sees the teardrops gathering, he's sure of it. He has screwed up.
"Hisoka… what's wrong?" he asks, trying to keep the dread and panic away from his voice.
That small question only makes Hisoka cry even harder. So many different answer flash by him, but he can't seem to find his voice. The only feeling that dominates over him is disgust; not at Tsuzuki, but himself.
The dread and panic only seems to rise up when Hisoka continues crying. At a loss for words, Tsuzuki draws Hisoka into his lap. Searching for eye contact, he tries to offer what little comfort he can, all the while berating himself. He should've known that Hisoka wasn't ready for something like this. All he can do now was beg for forgiveness.
"Hisoka... I... I'm sorry. Forgive me?" He closes his eyes, preparing himself for the absolute worse.
The sobbing stops suddenly. Why was Tsuzuki apologizing to him when this was far from his fault? He looks down at his hand and for the first time, notices the mess, his own mess, and pushes himself away from Tsuzuki. "I need to clean up," he mumbles and before Tsuzuki can say a word, he pads softly to the bathroom door, closing it behind him. He manages to turn on the tap and look for a towel. Nothing right now seems to matter except that he needs to be cleaned.
Tsuzuki is left grasping empty air. He listens to the sounds of running water, ruffling of cloth and nearly inaudible sobbing. He falls down on the blanket, eyes glued to the door.
He has plenty of time to think about the situation, but the minutes go by and nothing he can conclude is favorable. It can't be right; Hisoka's crying in there, locked the door to keep him out too. It has to be his fault. This time, he pushed too far, violated every unspoken agreement they had.
Ten minutes go past, and the sobbing stops along with the running water. The silence hangs heavy in the air. He has to break it or be suffocated by it.
"Hisoka? Did I… did I hurt you?" He swallows and curses under his breath. Such a stupid question he's asking, so utterly foolish. He knows what he did, why is he asking that?
The door finally opens just a crack as Hisoka peeks out. After looking at Tsuzuki for a second, he opens the door completely. He's now in a black cotton robe that's tightly bound shut, the belt around his neck gone. Lowering his head, he murmurs, "You… just don't get it, do you?"
The question catches Tsuzuki a little off guard. Running his fingers through his tangled hair, he asks, "What is there to get?" He averts his eyes, trying not to look at Hisoka or his now covered body. "You're not exactly easy to figure out."
Shaking his head, he looks at Tsuzuki, feeling on the brink of tears again. "You... you did hurt me, but... I liked it. I liked every freaking second of it and I..." He shudders and wraps his arms around himself. "It's all my fault for making you feel like that. I made you that angry, made you want to hurt me and..." His knees finally give out as he falls to the floor, mumbling incoherently.
It makes no sense. Nothing makes any sense and he was a fool to think it would change just because of a little fooling around. Tsuzuki drops onto the floor, slowly making his way to Hisoka's side to hear the quiet murmurs.
If he asked something, Hisoka didn't hear it. Instead, he continues his rambling, still barely audible. "You were right before… if I didn't play games with you, if I only told you how I felt and was more direct with you… If only… I wouldn't have made you so angry…"
Every "if" hits some exposed nerve in Tsuzuki. He's soon feeling too helpless and lost to do anything else but laugh, a strange hollow noise that sounds half like sobbing. "Is this some competition of being sorry? And you still liked it? I don't…"
A shake of the head. "You're not supposed to hurt those you care about and I..." Wrapping his arms around himself, Hisoka continues to shudder and starts rocking on his heels, mumbling, "I don't understand..."
The laughing dies down as Tsuzuki realizes what must be causing this. Of course, how could he have forgotten something like that? Lifting his head, he pulls Hisoka's head up, gentle but determined, until they're facing each other. "Do you think... that for one moment... that I haven't cursed my selfish desires? You think that I don't hate myself for giving in?"
Green eyes widen in surprise as a soft sob breaks it's way out. "But... I'm the one who brought it onto you. It's my fault. If it wasn't for me..." He averts his eyes away as a frightful thought comes to him. "And... what if... back then..." He has to choke back another sob before he can continue on. "Was the same as now..." Closing his eyes, he wishes he could just melt into the floor or at least turn back the clock and change things.
Tsuzuki runs his hand through his own hair again. How was he going to convince Hisoka otherwise? "It's not like that." He lowers his head closer to Hisoka's ear so he can whisper, "You couldn't bring out something that wasn't there already. So... if I could, I'd kill that part of me. But I can just cover it up and force it down..."
Immediately, Hisoka shakes his head. "No. I don't want you to hide anything anymore, even this." He looks down to the floor, lost in his own world when a vile thought comes to his mind. He raises his hand to his mouth. "Oh God, what if I actually knew, but played along on it, hoping to draw it out... Playing with you..." He backs toward the wall, suddenly afraid. In a soft voice, he whispers, "I'm no better than him."
Tsuzuki knows all too well with what he's talking about. But it still makes no sense. Why would Hisoka think like that all of a sudden? If he liked it, why was he reacting so badly? He drops onto the floor and crawls up to Hisoka, hesitantly reaching out. "Your fault? No..." Slumping his shoulders, he sighs quietly. "No, I'm the one who's no better. You... you should have someone who's not so fucked in the head that..." He lies down, wanting desperately to reach out to Hisoka, but knowing that it wouldn't be the best of ideas to do so now as he sighs again. "If you played with me, then I was too playable."
Hisoka looks up, tears in his eyes as he shakes his head. "Why are you always blaming yourself even when it's not your fault!? You... You can be such a moron, sometimes!"
Tsuzuki winces at the berating and goes silent for a moment. There's a question that he's been dreading to ask, but he needs to know the answer to. "Are... are you leaving?"
Only a few minutes pass, but they seem like forever before Hisoka says, "If you want me to leave, I'll go..."
Another long silence echoes between them before Tsuzuki spills out his answer. "Maybe you should. I don't want you to, but..." Sick, that's what he is; he has no right to infect Hisoka. He squeezes his eyes closed. The bile in his throat tastes like defeat.
A little bubble of hope rises up in Hisoka when he hears that Tsuzuki doesn't want him to leave. But if he stayed, what else would he inflict upon Tsuzuki? What if this just happened all over again? No, Tsuzuki deserved much better than this.
A silent nod comes from Hisoka as he gets up from the floor. Trying hard not to look at Tsuzuki in fear that he might decide to stay, he gathers his clothes that are scattered on the floor and makes his way into the bathroom, closing the door silently.
Inside, it's clinical and cold, and getting dressed is a pain he'd rather not endure. There are so many things to avoid at once. The tears threatening to spill, the mirror where he'd see how messed he looks, Tsuzuki's resonating emotions…
He takes a deep breath and opens the door. "I'll come back later to get the rest," he says as he walks over to the bedroom door. But he can't bring himself to leave without looking, at least once.
Tsuzuki's a pitiful sight, lying on the floor all curled up, mumbling something as his once vibrant eyes stare at nothingness. It looks almost as if he's blocking the rest of the world out on purpose.
"I'm so sorry, Tsuzuki," he whispers. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."
He closes the door behind him and rubs his forehead. Where is he supposed to go anyway, and what does it matter now? He's stalling and he knows it, hoping against hope that something would happen, but Tsuzuki is not moving, and he's not going to come after him.
In the bedroom, Tsuzuki blinks once. It's the thud of the door closing, and he curses it for making Hisoka's exit so much more concrete. The chill of the room is getting bitter, but it can't even start to compare to the cutting pain in his heart.
It's better this way. It must be. And maybe tomorrow it won't hurt so much.
Hisoka picks up his jacket from the floor. The touch of it feels bittersweet somehow, remembering how it ended there and it seems like so long ago he can't…
One look, and he steps outside.