I suppose this is what it feels like just before you bungee jump, uncertain, nervous, not knowing if you can do it and if you truly want to anyway.
I can't really say that I didn't see it coming; Sylvain is not a subtle person. And totally incapable of fidelity. Not that that excuses what I might do but it's something I want understood. Sylvain is the one going out with Rene, not me, and they've been together since before I met them, back when I was at OVW and I didn't have to worry about whether or not I wanted to sleep with my tag team partner.
So yeah, they've been together a long time really, and he'd be the one cheating, not me. I'd just be helping him. Still wrong, but less so, right?
And it's not like I'd be the first, somehow he convinced Helms to do what I'm contemplating doing, and you all saw how well that went.
The odd thing about it is that Sylvain really does love Rene, according to Rosey that was what caused him and Helms to break up. Apparently Sylvain spent ten minutes telling Helms how wonderful Rene was and how much he loved him. That's our beautiful, unfaithful, tactless Sylvain.
At least I can't say I didn't know if I choose to do anything with him, not that Helms exactly could, but he knew less about it than I do.
And it could be said that I might have lead Sylvain on a little, that I'm slightly too friendly, too intimate with him, but that's just the sort of person I am. That's unfortunately also the sort of person Sylvain is. We're light, flirty people, we're both far too touchy-feely and if Rene had hired a private eye the guy would probably already have concluded that we're having an affair. But we're not; all our sexual tension is firmly unresolved.
It's definitely there though, an almost physical something that we don't talk about. It's got to the stage where I don't even notice its pull half the time but then he'll look at me and bam, everything from just below my neck to just above my knees tightens and I feel like I've just been speared. Then I think about things like how soft his lips are, those soft lips that he's forever licking, and what it would be like to kiss them.
They'd be soft, I can guess, and all comfortable, wicked and sensuous, just like everything else about him. Now would be a good time to find out if I'm right.
We're sitting in this tiny Renault of his that he says is to keep up the gimmick and that I know he has because of its miniscule fuel consumption. He's trying to get a jammed tape out of the deck. Or rather he was trying, his hands have mysteriously moved from the tape deck to my thighs. Have I mentioned how small the car is and how close together we have to sit? Oh good, I just want to make certain that someone knows quite how much fate is conspiring against my attempts to avoid being this close to him.
So what do I do now?
I avoid being this close to him because I don't know if I can resist the temptation he offers. I have an awful feeling that I might say yes and kiss him, let him have me right here in this little car.
But, and this is the thing, I know, in somewhere other than my giddy brain, that saying yes would be wrong. Not bad, just wrong in some incomprehensible way. Even though I'm not the one going out with someone - I'm free, I'm single, I can sleep with whoever I want - I still feel as though I'd be breaking someone's trust, even if I'm not certain whose. My own maybe, I'm not that desperate that I'd sleep with someone who belongs to someone else. Oh, belonging, how terribly old fashioned off me, as Sylvain would undoubtedly say. Plus, if he doesn't care, why should I?
Because I do, it's an unfortunate part of my mental make up.
If Sylvain wasn't with Rene, would I? I wouldn't even think about it, I'd be on my knees in front of him, or any other way he might want me. Or that I might want him in. But I won't let him cheat on Rene, at least not with me. Oh yeah, that sounds like sense, not!
Maybe they've got an open relationship or something, maybe Rene really wouldn't mind but I don't know for sure and I'm not going to ask. Plus I have a feeling Sylvain would have told me, without saying that this meant make him an offer, but suggesting it none the less. He's really good at doing that, like what he's doing right now.
I've got Sylvain sprawled all over me, yeah he's moved on from just having his hands on my thigh while I've sat here frozen and not knowing what to do. He's expecting me to say yes or no, again without asking outright.
And I'm sitting here with no idea of how to respond. There's what I want to do, which is also what I don't want to do, and then there's what I should do, it's just not what I want to do either.
Should I say yes, well not even say it, just kiss him and have done with it, or say no, maybe that'll be the end of it and we can stick to a happy, kind of, permanent lack of resolution.
Either way, now is the moment to choose.
You know, I never did get round to doing a bungee jump.