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Taste Death

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There was a bright light
But it was an off white

I'm caught in a landslide
I'm caught in a joyride
As my blood
Begins to thin...

Well you had a hard day
Of pushing me away
Please don't push
I fall easily

It's not like I care
It's not like I'm bleeding
Or numb everywhere

It hurt a little at first. Just a little. Not as much as the first time. A pang, then the pull of having my life drained. It hurt, but it was amazing. There was pleasure in the pain. The physical feeling of self-destruction. I wanted it. I welcomed it. I needed it.

Then the pleasure ebbed and the pain grew. I didn't stop. I didn't want it to stop. The cold, voluptuous body on top of mine was so strong but so fragile. With a flick of my wrist, I could have plunged a stake through her heart and ended her life. Instead I invited her to end mine with my submission.

There was so much pain inside. Everyone I held so tight to, depended on to keep my own sanity, seemed to be gone. Professor Walsh dead, the same of so many I knew, so many friends. Forest dead by my hand. My post lost because I couldn't conform anymore, my future gone with it. Buffy lost in her mother, in Dawn, in learning who she is. I worried that she didn't love me. I know now. I know she doesn't watch me the way I watch her or worry for me like I do.

I'm not sure how long I've been doing this. It's blurring together. There is no distinction in time any longer. Feverish days spent weak and half-aware at Buffy's side followed by nights like this one.

But not like this one. This is the last night. I decided that before she ever came up to me. I knew she would be the last, and I knew I wasn't strong enough mentally or physically to fight anymore. The last one. I knew as the pain grew to unbelievable intensity, the puncture wounds in my neck gaping maws of torture. I could feel the pull deepening. Or maybe it was growing weaker along with me.

I felt her moving away and would have protested if I had any voice left. I would have reached for death. A voice next to my ear whispered, "Do you want eternity? I can make you immortal..."

I think I managed a derisive laugh. But I might just have wanted to. I can't be sure. I knew life was the last thing I wanted, eternity be damned. Using any strength I had left in the effort, I whispered, "I don't even want now. Finish." And she did.