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Lost Causes

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He's the only one that can do this to me, just smelling his hair gives me the biggest rush I've ever had. For a few small seconds I'm taken to some blissful place. I'd love to stay there with him. But I can't. We've got to go somewhere, move in some way, go wrestle a match, either getting jobbed to everyone going, and I tell you we could get put against a team comprising Jobbie McJob and his loser younger brother and we'd still lose, or we fight someone like Credible or Awesome who seem to have pissed off more people than we have.

'Cause that's what we are, lost causes, hell, JR said it himself, we're the underachievers, who've had everything handed to them on a platter and we still haven't succeeded. We were both stuck in a rut when they paired us together on Metal one time, to make sure we didn't get ring rust, and something clicked. Everything clicked.

I found hope, a future, some sort of happiness. It took another lost cause for me to find myself.

They call us losers, every article I've ever read dumps on us from a great height, and I don't see it. What's wrong with him? He can wrestle and he's got this all-american hero voice thing going. I mean I'm not gonna say he's perfect, cause none of us are but he's so damn right, whatever you want to judge him on.

The thumb caressing his cheek reminds me what a freak I am. I'm not natural, I'm wrong. He's 6 foot 5 and athletic and toned and good looking and here I am so out of shape and ugly and vomit-inducing.

I don't kid myself that I would be here if I wasn't gigantic, unnaturally so. If I was normal I'd be working 9 to 5 at K-Mart if I was lucky. Fuck, I wish I was normal. Wish when I touched him I could be certain I wouldn't hurt him. 'Cause I know I could, accidentally, because I'm clumsy and careless and useless. I wish I could be even half worthy of him. If I was normal maybe I would have turned out all right, maybe those years at school being the large freak did something to me, but I doubt it. I'm the loser here, I'm the fuck up.

But he sees something in me, and that gives me hope. And that's a dangerous thing for a loser to have 'cause hope can only be destroyed and damage you in the process. I wonder how I'll fuck this up.