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Bitty Bittle (a Filk)

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O, ‘tis of a figure skating lad
From Madison, GA (Bittle)
Who’s gone up north to Samwell for
The ice hockey ballet, singing:

Carpe the day
A hat trick for the play
For Samwell is bound for the championships
And it’s Jack who’ll show the way, Bittle!

On your case, your case, is Captain Jack
All saturnine and lean, Bittle
“You’re small and soft as a tadpole, boy
"You must eat more protein, Bittle!”

Carpe the day
A hat trick for the play
Ye canna be soft and afraid of a check
Ye’ll be the bird of prey, Bittle

A determined look and a hockey butt
On the ice he would sashay
Far be it from you to admire the view
If the team finds out you’re gay!
So dream your dreams in silence
Be as terse as Hemingway, Bittle
When you have a crush on a straight man
There’s a lot ye shouldna’ say, Bittle!

Carpe the day
A hat trick for the play
Just keep it in yer holster
Or there’ll be ransom for to pay, Bittle

So he’s taken up dibs in the Hockey Haus
Making pies and creme brulee
The halo ye see but it shouldn'a be heard
Turn down the Beyonce, Bittle
O where is Jack, the tadpole says
The party’s in full sway
When the sun goes down and the alcohol flows
He always hits the hay, Bittle

Carpe the day
A hat trick for the play
He keeps to himself in the dead of the night
And he writhes the night away, Bittle

For Jack had been headed to NHL
Recruited fore and aft
But he disappeared in the moment of truth
And somehow missed the draft
The man in his room is a blast from the past
Who’s bit him on the arse, Bittle
Don’t cry in the hall right in front of his door
There’s far too much to Parse, Bittle

Carpe the day
A hat trick for the play
You’re crying so hard that you never did note
Their state of disarray, Bittle

So the pucks and the semesters flew
Till graduation day, Bittle
And Jack’s signed on to the NHL
He has na long time to stay, Bittle
And he’s walked up in his cap and gown
I guess this is goodbye, Bittle
It’s really been great, don’t be late for your flight,
And thanks for all the pie, Bittle

Carpe the day
A hat trick for the play
For Jack to get on with the rest of his life
It’s time he was away, Bittle

Time he was away!
O, time he was away!
But let me go back for a minute or more
I’ve something more to say…….BITTLE!

So across the quad, to the Haus he flew…..

(interlude)

So Jack’s gone into the empty Haus
'Mid all his pains and hurts
And there y'are, Bittle, in the room
A-folding up some shirts
O Samwell was my second chance
To erase my reprimands
I was doing so well until you showed up
With a pie pan in your hands, Bittle!

So your eyes look up and his mouth comes down
And he holds you tight just so
It’s up and away, and there’s no more to say
So all you say is Oh, Bittle

Carpe the day
Was that a triple play?
When he saw your triple axle at first
He cried, Et tu Brute, Bittle!

O hold me, Jack and hold me close
And never break away.
But his phone, it’s buzzed insistently
He can no longer stay, Bittle

Carpe the day
It was a triple play!
When you’ve fallen in love with a straight man who’s not
It takes your breath away, Bittle

And he has kissed you one more time
And he breaks off with a moan
And there is neither sun nor sky
But leaving you alone, he cries:

Carpe the day
It’s gonna be OK
I’ll have to get on with the rest of my life
But I’ll text you, okay, Bittle?

Carpe the day
But I’ll text you, okay?
And Jack is away, leaving Bittle to stay
With the waning of the day, Bittle

(interlude)

And slowly, slowly, you’ sit down
Till a buzz comes from your phone, Bittle……