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December 20, 2005
To: Professor Hermione Granger, Hogwarts Castle, Scotland
From: Severus Snape, SPEW Home for Wayward House-Elves
Dear Hermione,
I know I was supposed to go to Hogwarts to join my former colleagues for Christmas, but I'm afraid I will not be able to, as I will certainly be in St. Mungo's by then. The house-elves are driving me completely insane. I thought anything would be better than teaching at Hogwarts but clearly I was wrong.
You would think creatures intended for domestic service would know more about how to run a household than this, but when they aren't filling the kitchen with useless food or setting it on fire they are wrecking the furniture. No wonder these particular specimens are "wayward"; if they were my house-elves I would have a collection of heads on plaques to rival the Black family's. I don't know if they are simply bored or honestly destructive.
And even if I could ignore everything else they are doing, they won't stop bothering me. I thought they had their own magic, but they ask me to light fires and repair textiles. A female tried to get me to sift flour yesterday. This morning one of the little ones -- I refuse to keep track of all their annoying names -- asked me where baby house-elves come from.
I must demand you come here immediately, though you did promise Albus to stay over Christmas vacation. What Albus will do to you is nothing compared to what I will do if I stay here alone over the holidays and live to blame you for it.
Very Annoyed,
Severus Snape
P.S. Our engagement is off.
December 21, 2005
To: Professor Hermione Granger, Hogwarts Castle, Scotland
From: Severus Snape, SPEW Home for Wayward House-Elves
Yes, I do know where baby house-elves come from. Or I suspect I do if the clothes these elves wear are hiding normal apparatus. But it is not my job to instruct the young in these matters.
And yes, things are still as bad as they were yesterday if not worse. The owl dropped the cake you sent me. You would think with all the elves here I'd have enough edible food but I have no such luck.
You are simply going to have to face the fact that SPEW was a losing proposition and this home even more so. What your best friends clearly won't tell you, I will: This is a terrible, horrible idea and you must send these elves out to decent employment immediately. Though how they will find any such positions I do not know; they've broken half the china in the house already. I suspect the smart ones cover up for the stupid ones, in regular houses, but here we have only a giant lot of idiot elves.
And no, I'm not going to ask them what they want to do. That would require speaking to a house-elf, as well as caring what they want to do.
Glumly,
Severus
P.S. No, I am not "just angry" but there is no need to send the ring back at this moment.
December 22, 2005
To: Professor Hermione Granger, Hogwarts Castle, Scotland
From: Severus Snape, SPEW Home for Wayward House-Elves
If I find out who gave the house-elves musical instruments he or she will envy the former Dark Lord's grisly fate. I realize that someone was only trying to amuse them but silencing spells only frustrate them and make them louder afterward.
As a matter of fact, I did not grow up with house-elves waiting on me, nor did I let them interfere with my laboratory or rooms at Hogwarts. So there is no use telling me that I'm only paying for my own transgressions working in your damned elf orphanage. I only took the position because you asked me.
No, I do not care that Poppy Pomfrey is free to come and help me. She annoys me deeply and always has. It was she who told you not to marry me under any circumstances. You just thought I didn't know.
Furiously,
Severus Snape
December 23, 2005
To: Professor Hermione Granger, Hogwarts Castle, Scotland
From: Severus Snape, SPEW Home for Wayward House Elves
Do you remember the house-elf who asked me where babies come from? Well it's very possible he or she -- no I don't know or care -- is going to find out, because not one but two of the female elves are ready to give birth on Christmas. Not around Christmas, but on Christmas. Apparently house elves have a precise knowledge of when these events will take place. Isn't that an interesting fact to add to your enormous collection, Miss Granger?
Hating You And Everything You Stand For,
Severus Snape
December 24, 2005
Harry Potter? Harry Potter will be replacing me tomorrow? Harry "The Boy Who Lived To Take Care Of Incredibly Stupid Creatures" Potter will be spending Christmas being an elf midwife so I can join you at Hogwarts Castle?
I take it back. I don't hate you.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
P.S. Tell Pomfrey the engagement is back on. That should ruin her Christmas nicely.