Work Text:
3 And Jeroboam and all the congregation of Israel came, and spake unto Rehoboam, saying,
4 Thy father made our yoke grievous: now therefore make thou the grievous service of thy father, and his heavy yoke which he put upon us, lighter, and we will serve thee.
5 And he said unto them, Depart yet for three days, then come again to me. And the people departed.
6 And king Rehoboam consulted with the old men, that stood before Solomon his father while he yet lived, and said, How do ye advise that I may answer this people?
7 And their leader, who was fair and just and a little pudgy about the hips, for he had a penchant for baked goods, stepped forth and lo, he shone with the wisdom of the LORD. And he shook his head of golden curls saying, If thou wilt be a servant unto this people this day, and wilt serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be thy servants for ever. Verily, just be nice and everything will work out.
8 But Rehoboam forsook the counsel of the old men, which they had given him, and consulted with the young men that were grown up with him, and which stood before him:
9 And he said unto them, What counsel give ye that we may answer this people, who have spoken to me, saying, Make the yoke which thy father did put upon us lighter?
10 And the leader of the young men that were grown up with him stepped forth, and all became silent, for he was beautiful to look at and drove a big chariot. And he narrowed his yellow eyes and spake unto him, saying, Thus shalt thou speak unto this people that spake unto thee, saying, Thy father made our yoke heavy, but make thou it lighter unto us; thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins.
And Rehoboam blinked and spake unto him, saying, When thou refers to ‘little finger’, dost thou mean my—?
Whereupon the leader of the young men smirked and answered him, saying, Oh yes.
11 But Rehoboam was not yet convinced, so the leader of the young men spake with great passion, saying, Tell them some other things, like, now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. And all that good stuff, yea.
Hearing thus, Rehoboam tilted his head in thought, and spake unto him, saying, Verily, that is not half bad.
And the leader of the young men threw an arm around Rehoboam’s shoulders and hissed, Trust me, yea, for they will come begging for more.
12 So Jeroboam and all the people came to Rehoboam the third day, as the king had appointed, saying, Come to me again the third day.
13 And the king answered the people roughly, and forsook the old men’s counsel that they gave him;
14 And spake to them after the counsel of the young men, saying, My father made your yoke heavy, and I will add to your yoke: my father also chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins.
15 Now the people of Israel were wroth with the king, and answered him saying, What portion have we in David? neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: to your tents, O Israel: now see to thine own house, David, and to your own trousers, as well, for nary, your claim doth not impress us. Besides, rumour hath it that verily, thy finger is very little indeed.
So Israel departed unto their tents.
And above the clamour and the angry waving of pitchforks, the leader of the young men looked at the leader of the old men, and smirked, saying unto him: Verily, angel, I have totally won this round.