“So are you coming to the SI mixer tonight? It’s gonna be fun,” Natasha asks as she slips up on his left.
“More fun than this?” Steve says prying the helmet from his head and running a gloved hand through his sweaty hair. His eyes scan the street but nothing is moving but a scrap of newspaper caught in a vent.
“Linda from accounting will be there. She likes you.”
“Strawberry blonde with the aversion to all things green?”
“Yeah, no, besides I-”
"It's those little yellow guys again," Sam says as he swoops down to land on his right.
“What? Where?” Steve says shoving his shield onto his back. “Nevermind.” He sees the minions then. A small pack of them clambering over the prone body of a mammoth lemon yellow beetle, definitely not the car, they’d been tasked with fighting half the afternoon. One of the minions tumbles to the asphalt and another begins laughing and waving his arms around cheerfully. “Damn it.”
“Minions,” Steve says, wincing as the minions turn as one and scramble to reach him. Natasha raises her weapons and Steve holds out his arm. “They’re harmless, Nat.” Natasha tilts her head at him, eyebrows arching up. “Trust me.”
“Cap! Cap! Cap!” the minions cheer as they swarm over to them. There’s a baker’s dozen of them crawling all over each other to hug him. It’s not pleasant. Nor is the constant chatter emanation from their mouths. He can only catch every seventh word or so, a repetition of ‘Cap’, ‘Darcy’, ‘date’ and ‘‘la boda’ in the happy babble as they poke and prod at his uniform. One taps on his shield.
“I, uh, have a date.”
“Date!” says a minion with a single eye. Dave, Steve thinks, or possibly Fred.
“Da!” chorus the rest of the minions.
“Since when?” Sam says pushing away an inquisitive minion tugging at his left boot and shaking another from poking at his wings. “Hey stop that.”
Not a single minion touches Natasha. One minion with two eyes hidden behind goggles and dark spikes of hair on his head appears to be sketching Natasha’s boots on a small notepad. It’s tongue is caught between large square teeth as he concentrates.
“Since the last time they showed up,” Steve says as two minions begin to tug on his gloved hand.
"You couldn't just ask out a girl from accounting, could you?" Natasha says glaring at one of the taller minions caught reaching towards her ass.
“Darcy Lewis, one of Felonius Gru’s daughters. She checks out,” he says before Natasha can say anything else. He wasn’t going to have a repeat of the barista at his third favorite coffee shop who just so happened to a) not be entirely human and b) was a HYDRA agent. Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen again.
“Darcy, Darcy, Darcy,” the minions chorus.
“Gelato,” cries another minion thrusting small gloved fists into the air. Dave, the minion, curled his fist and bopped the other on top of his head.
“She pretty?” Sam asks, and Steve fails to keep his face neutral.
She’s gorgeous, he wants to say.
A minions pulls out a small black cube and holds it up to Steve. “Thank you,” he says taking it carefully.
“Darcy,” the minion coos and presses the top of the cube. The cube unfurls into a rectangle his hand and a video plays of the night the minions kidnapped him.
“I’m not marrying him,” Darcy says waving her hands about in the video.
“She’s pretty,” Natasha says thoughtfully as she pulls the tablet from his hand.
“Hey, watch where you put your hands,” Sam says turning around and rubbing his behind. “That one pinched my ass.”
“Bottom,” chirps the minion in question, a wide grin on its sunny face.
“Stop that,” Steve says pulling his hands free of them minions to cross his arms over his chest. He levels the minions with his best Captain-America-is-disappointed face.
Two minions' lips wobble and a third bursts into tears.
Damn it. Steve sighs and wishes he had the patience of a saint. Or a sniper.
“Nice going, Cap, look what you did,” Sam says, awkwardly patting a minion on the head as the minion clings to his leg.
A minion, with a single eye, starts pointing at the watches strapped to his wrist and taps his foot impatiently. Steve’s pretty sure neither watch tells the correct time. The minion spits out a string of babble ending in ‘la boda’.
"I’d like to date a girl before I marry her," he hears himself say on the video. Steve winces. It really sounded better at the time.
“Who knew you could be so smooth, Rogers,” Sam says clapping him on the shoulder. There’s laughter in his voice and and Steve’s mouth twitches up at the corners.
The minions swarm over Steve and begin to push and pull at him. “Hey, hey,” he says.
“Have fun on your date,” Natasha calls out behind him.
Sam adds a far too cheerful ‘don’t forget to use protection’ that stops the minions in their tracks and makes Steve wish he had better friends. The minions glare at Steve small arms crossing over their cylindrical chests. The tips of Steve’s ears grow warm and he holds his hands up in front of him.
“Thanks, Sam,” Steve says dryly.
“No problem, man,” Sam replies. The minions chatter, occasionally giving him pointed looks before they begin to pull at him again leading him in the opposite direction from the beetle.
“Wait, I can’t go out like this,” he says waving at his uniform covered torso. The minions ignore him as the tug him towards an inconspicuous grey van with two minions leaning out the window of the driver’s side.
“Da,” says Dave, nodding his head enthusiastically.
Sunlight glints off the safety glass of the minion’s goggles and burns into Steve’s eyes. He really hopes that Darcy leaves the minions home. He has a feeling there will be minions spying on them anyway. Steve’s right boot squishes with every step he takes. “No, wait. My apartment first,” Steve says stubbornly. “I’m not going to go on a date smelling like bug guts.”
The minions blink up at him.
“Darcy won’t like it?” he tries again.
“Oooh,” the minions coo and start jabbering excitedly among themselves.
“Come on then,” he sighs.