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How to Become a Love Interest

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Wade doesn’t normally read Cosmo, he is a grown ass man and none of the tips in there have ever helped him before. However, Ellie is a huge fan of Teen Cosmo, and whatever Wade’s baby girl wants, Wade’s baby girl gets. Wade is not thrilled to bits in letting his twelve year old read Teen Cosmo as she is his baby and nowhere near a teen.

[Four more months]

{You shut your dirty whore mouth}

In fact today proved why Wade wasn’t overly chuffed at this predicament when Wade was required to visit the school this afternoon. Ellie was suspended for punching William Heisman, the captain of the debate team. Wade had just sat through half an hour of some old childless stuck up prick lecturing Wade on being a bad influence on the impressionable youth and living an abhorrent lifestyle that wasn’t suitable for the children. Wade gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was talking about the mercenary stuff and not the pansexual thing

{Don’t know why he yelled at us, the fucker probably deserved it}

Wade had to sit there and practically grovel to the old man.

“This is so unlike her, she never behaves like this at home, I don’t know where she got this idea from.”

Wade had a solid recollection of once telling Ellie that her safety was more important than any boy and if she had to slap a bitch she had Wade’s approval. Although, to her credit, she scoffed and said that she didn’t think that was necessary. Finally the old codger ran out of things to complain about and let Wade go. He left the office to find a very guilty looking Ellie sitting outside, he gave her a frosty glare that he inherited from his own mother, except he didn’t do the hard slap around the head that usually followed her glares. Ellie followed him meekly as he left the school and hailed a cab. They were in the cab for a few minutes in silence before Ellie caved.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do it, and it was a really dumb idea! Please don’t be mad at me!” Ellie blurted. Wade took a moment before turning to her.

[So he didn’t deserve it]

{All boys deserve it deep down}

“You didn’t mean to hit him so hard he dislocated his jaw? I don’t seem to recall you having the brute strength that’s required to accidentally dislocate a jaw, you struggle opening most jars.” Wade said icily. Ellie looked as though Wade had just told her that she was never to darken his door again.

“Ok well I did mean to do it, but I didn’t mean to do it that hard!” Ellie clarified.

“Why’d you do it, Eleanor?” Wade asked. Ellie grimaced at the full name.

“You’re not going to like this.” Ellie warned.

“I already don’t like this, I just got out of a meeting with someone who probably voted for all three Bushes.” Wade said.

“I punched him because I like him, like-like him.” Ellie admitted.

“So you dislocated his jaw?” Wade asked, he didn’t believe this for one second. Ellie unzipped her backpack and rummaged around before she pulled out this month’s Cosmo.

“Well they had this list in Cosmo this month about how to become a love interest and it said to sucker punch him.” Ellie explained before showing Wade the article.

[Oh dear lord]

Meet the Peeta to your Katniss, the Edward to your Bella, the Mr Darcy to your Elizabeth, with these movie inspired romance hints.” Wade read aloud. He looked further into the article and Wade had a hard time believing he was the bad influence here. “Get a not too crippling disability, nothing invokes chivalry like a cough at the right moment. Excuse me? Baby, it concerns me that you thought this was good advice.” Wade glanced at Ellie who was now as red as Wade most days.

“I was desperate! He didn’t know I existed!” She frantically tried to justify her actions, Wade tutted and shook his head at her.

“You didn’t think hello would suffice?” Wade asked incredulously before reading on. “If all else fails force yourself onto him. It'll give you something to laugh about afterwards! Baby, no, that’s illegal.”

“Well if you read the worst ones of course it sounds bad.” Ellie grumbled.

“Oh really? You thought sucker punch him in the face or groin was one of the better ones?” Wade asked. Ellie didn’t have a response to that. “This list is bogus, I don’t know why I let you buy these things.” They were both silent for a while.

“Sooo are you not mad?” Ellie asked. Wade laughed.

“Oh, you are so grounded, young lady. I can’t believe you thought you got out of this. Do you want Al or Bob to babysit you while I’m gone? Keep in mind whoever you’ll pick I’ll pick the other.”

“Bob then.” Ellie said carefully.

“Bob it is.” Wade grinned.

“Damnit!” Ellie muttered under her breath.

“Also no more Cosmo.” Wade added. Ellie looked deeply offended.

“Dad! You can’t do that! How else am I going to learn about being a woman?” Ellie protested.

“You have Al.” Wade suggested, even Wade knew that was a shitty suggestion.

“Yeah her great life advice was don’t take cocaine because there will come a time where your pension will no longer cover it.” Ellie scoffed.     

“She’s not wrong, you shouldn’t take cocaine.” Wade said gravely. Ellie rolled her eyes at him, she then had this worrying look on her face, one that suggested Wade should open the door to the taxi and roll away never to return.

“Would you like to bet on it?” Ellie said with this sickening grin.

{Only twelve and she can play us like a fiddle}

“On what?” Wade said intrigued by this offer. Damnit, Wade, keep your cool.

“If I can prove that this article isn’t bogus, I can keep reading it.” Ellie explained. Wade didn’t particularly like where this was headed.

“And how do you propose that you prove it?”

“You try it.” Ellie said as though it were just that simple.

“On who exactly?” Wade asked sceptically.

“I don’t know, you’ll figure something out. I reckon you’re in with Bob if you ask nicely enough.” Ellie laughed.

[Probably true actually]

“Child, I swear,” Wade said deeply offended. “You are going to be the death of me.”

“You can’t die, Daddy.” Ellie said flippantly.

“Thank you for your concern, baby.” Wade rolled his eyes. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Well then… I’ll be your personal slave as well as grounded.” Ellie suggested.

“Was that not already happening?” Wade asked. Ellie gave him a look that said that no, that was not already happening. “Ok, ok fine, give me the damn article I’ll see what I can do.” Wade took the magazine and ripped out the pages that this stupid thing was on. He folded them up and put them in his pocket.

“What’s for dinner, Dad?” Ellie asked after a pause.

“Shit.”

“Supreme or Pepperoni?”


Wade didn’t think about this bet for a while, with Ellie around the house all the time, Wade had to make sure she didn’t get up to something he would have gotten up to at her age. And she tried, he caught her on the fire escape the other day, except instead of just admitting that she was sneaking out she lied and said that there was a fire. That was a tough one to explain to the New York Fire Department.

It wasn’t until a couple of days later when Wade went for a walk to get away from his bored, slightly annoying teenager when he figured out his plan. He was carrying a pile of books he bought for Ellie, he was sick and tired of every five minutes Ellie dramatically announcing that she had nothing to do. He was walking down West 43rd with a pile of books that were taller than he was when he was very rudely ran into. Books went flying all over the pavement, Wade immediately bent down to pick them up. But to his surprise the guy who knocked them over was next to him helping them pick them up.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Are they all ok?” The brown haired man with glasses asked, the fucking gorgeous man with glasses asked.

{Oh my god this is your meet-cute. Don’t blow it}

[Don't settle for a simple greeting; make your first meeting with him extremely convoluted or sappy to prove that only fate could have thrown you two together.]

“You’re very nice for New York City.” Wade remarked, unfortunately Wade had forgotten he had his mask on and the man looked up from the books at Wade and he looked startled to say the least.

[Very smooth]

“I’m very nice in general.” The man said absent-mindedly still looking at the mask. Wade looked him up and down before noticing something. The man had his shirt half way unbuttoned and underneath there was a red jumpsuit, with a giant spider on it.

{We’ve hit the motherlode people}  

“Spidey? Holy shit, have you lost weight?” Wade laughed. “I guess the panel adds ten pounds, hey?” Spiderman frowned at him before looking down at his unbuttoned shirt.

“Shit! No! You saw nothing.” Spiderman babbled while quickly buttoning his shirt back up.

“Did I now? Doesn’t look like nothing, in fact it looks like a very fine piece of ass.” Wade leered at him, Spiderman rolled his eyes.

“Do you ever turn off?”

“I’m always turned on around you, Spidey, can’t help it.” Wade grinned, Spiderman looked like he was about to break his no kill rule.

“Stop calling me that!”

“Then what should I call you? Babealicious? The S-Bomb? The Amazing Assman?” Wade suggested, he saw Spiderman weigh up his options. “You know killing me is only a temporary solution.”

“Peter.” Spiderman finally admitted. “Peter Parker.”

[Should we know this name?]

{Yes as the name of our next contestant on Win That Bet!}

“Wade Wilson.” Wade offered his hand out to Peter who reluctantly shook it.

“So what trouble are you getting yourself into with all these books?” Peter said as he stood up.

“Oh no these are for my daughter.” Wade corrected him, Peter gave him the strangest look before bursting out laughing.

“What? You? A parent?” Peter asked between gasps, he nearly fell back down on the ground from laughing too hard.

“Are you done?” Wade said to the crying mess in front of him.

“How the hell did you get a daughter?” Peter asked as he recovered.

“Well Peter, when a mummy and a daddy have known each other for about a week they make some very poor decisions leading to a pregnancy and later on death. And viola you have yourself a single dad and a kid.” Wade quickly explained.

“Wow, sex ed at your house must be a wild adventure.” Peter remarked.

“My baby girl won’t know about sex until she’s forty.” Wade glared at Peter as though he was personally going to come to his house and tell his child about the birds and bees himself.

“So um did she get your… you know.” Peter asked awkwardly.

“I don’t know, Peter, I’ve never tried to kill my daughter before.” Wade replied haughtily.

“No, I, that’s not what I meant.” Peter quickly backtracked.

{That was absolutely what he meant.}

“My insatiable good looks? No she got them all from her mother, although I like to think she has my eyes.” Wade said wistfully

“Is she also a pain in the ass?” Peter said dryly

“I wish I could say no.” Wade said sadly. “She got suspended.”

“Oh no, Susan how come?” Peter said in his best suburban housewife voice.

“Oh, Kelly, you know what they say, girls will be girls.” Wade replied in that same voice.

“Oh don’t you know.” Peter tutted in agreement.  

“Were you running somewhere important?” Wade asked suddenly dropping the accent, Peter looked at him confused for a moment.

“Oh, oh that, nah, I remembered where I was and I was like Daredevil’s probably got it covered.” Peter shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well I have a bored twelve year old at home, she’s probably burned the house down by now.” Wade said in a defeated sigh.

{Please lord, let us have a home to come to}

“Twelve? So you’ve been a parent the entire time I’ve known you?” Peter asked in disbelief.

“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Wade said in a valley accent.

“Who on god’s green earth left you with a child?”

“If it’s any consolation she has a therapist.” Wade patted Peter’s should with his free hand.

{For once not because of us}

[A little because of us]

“Well if she’s still alive at this point, I guess you’re more cut out for this than I thought.” Peter said begrudgingly.

“Thank you, your approval means a lot to me.” Wade said wiping a fake tear from his eye.

“Who’d thought you of all people had hidden depths?” Peter remarked.

“You don’t know me at all, Parker.” Wade shook his head. “Now I really must be going, parental duties and the like.” Wade started to leave.

“That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Peter said genuinely.

“And that’s saying something. See you round, hot stuff.” Wade said before making his way back home, he quickly glanced back behind him to see Peter looking very confused.

{Always leave them wanting more}

[Is that on the list?]

{Number 21. Make sure you never come off as being overly eager or aggressive.} 

Well if this bet was going to be a thing, Wade had a few supplies to get. This was going to be fun.