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Boys who Talk Shit™

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“Okay, I’m like, 75% sure that this is not going to explode on us.” Taehyung says, bright smile plastered on his face.

Hoseok hums, eyeing him cautiously. “I’m a bit worried about the remaining 25%.”

“This looks like,” Namjoon says, trying not to grimace at the ugly concoction sitting in the pot, “- something we can use to summon ten demons. This can’t end well.”

“It’s more likely for this thing to explode, set the entire world on fire, be the cause of the apocalypse, for us to get flung all the way into outer space, and have to sit in space jail together, than for this not to explode.” Jimin says, pinching his nose to block out the god awful smell.

Taehyung waves a hand, shaking his head, uselessly and ineffectively trying to assure his friends their safety. “Jimbles, dearest Jimbles, fellow child of the sunflower Gods and my BFFL biffle sushi roll, what kind of friend would you be if you didn’t trust me?”

“Considering the fact we’re talking about you, it makes him a fucking smart one.” Jungkook says.

Taehyung pouts at the tall boy standing beside him. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I’m hopelessly in love with you and all, but if it’s your name and cooking in one sentence, I will never be on that side.” Jungkook says factually as if he hadn’t just broken his boyfriend’s fragile heart.

“What’s happening here?” Seokjin asks as a greeting, swinging the door open, grocery bags in hand. His facial expression instantly turns into one of pure disgust after he smells the room. “I told you guys, if you’re going to commit murder, don’t leave the bodies in the dorm! Who was it?! I will not tolerate murder in this home!”

Jimin turns his head and gives him a miserable look. “We made a bet and Taehyung said if he won, we have to give him cooking rights and I can’t believe I have to sit in space jail with all of you.”

The grocery bags drop to the floor. “That’s worse.”

It had been about a year and a half since they had started living together. BTS Boarding School wasn’t exactly your regular school. If it had to be summarized, many would say, it was an all-boys school cut off from the rest of civilization, populated by eccentric art prodigies. “You can’t trust people from that school. They’re geniuses with brains like no other, but they’re a bit messed up in the head. Don’t you know what BTS stands for? It’s Boys who Talk Shit™.”

“Hyung, I heard they’re taking in a new student this year.” Jungkook says, legs resting on Taehyung’s lap.

Seokjin’s eyebrows raise in interest. “New student? What could possibly be wrong with this one?”

“Nothing’s wrong with this one.” Namjoon said, pouring the rest of Taehyung’s inedible creation down the drain, giving Seokjin a pointed look. “I heard from one of the hyungs that he’s really talented. Won a song writing competition a few months back. That’s why he wants to go here.”

Hoseok mindlessly taps his fingers on the coffee table. “What if he ends up rooming with us?”

“Don’t think so.” Jungkook sighs, shaking his head. “But regardless of where he stays, he’s still a poor clueless son of a bitch. No idea what he’s about to get himself into.”

“Hey,” Jimin says, after finishing his third glass of water to get the gross taste out of his mouth. “Better with us than anyone else in this Home of the Crazies.”

“Honestly?” Seokjin says, “Better with anyone else in this Home of the Crazies than us.”

 

 

“So,” Mr. Bang Si Hyuk says, “I’m hoping you’re going to enjoy your stay in BTS Boarding School?”

“Believe me,” Yoongi says under his breath, “I hope so too.”

No one believed Yoongi when he’d told them that he wanted to transfer to BTS Boarding School after two years of staying in one of the top universities in Seoul, YG University. Almost everyone who’d ever stepped foot in BTS, were brought there by force and stayed because, well, where the fuck else did they have to go now that they’d been tainted? One way in, no way out except graduation.

“What made you want to go to this school, Mr. Min?” The school principal asks, as they make their way down the corridors. “I’m sorry, but it’s just…”

“Just an escape from the dullness and normalcy of my daily life. Parents are getting too stressful and people are getting exhausting. I feel like I’m going insane. Might as well go here.” Yoongi said, chuckling lightly. “Why, am I the first student who wasn’t dragged here kicking and screaming?”

The principal laughs at this, turning his head to smile at Yoongi. “Not exactly, but you know what? You just gave me an idea of which dorm to put you in.”

Yoongi’s eyebrows raise. “Hmm. I see you’ve classified me into a group of whackjobs already. Okay, let’s hear it.”

Mr. Si Hyuk can only shake his head in amusement. “There are six of them, they have joint rooms. There’s three of them in each, but it’s two big dorms put together, I’m sure they have lots of room. Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Jung Hoseok, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jungkook. I think it’s best to put you in a room close to Namjoon and Seokjin’s first, Taehyung might be a tad bit too much for a new student.”

Yoongi hums in acknowledgement. “Are all the rooms this populated?”

Mr. Si Hyuk hesitates for a moment, before he shakes his head no. “Just them.”

“Why the special treatment?” Yoongi asks, eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“They’d pretty much bribed me into it, telling me that if I wouldn’t let them, they’d feed me Taehyung’s cooking.” He answers, a grimace on his face. “Hell would be better, I’m telling you.”

“Taehyung’s… cooking .” Yoongi confirms. “A student’s cooking got you to get them what they want.”

“Well, that and the fact that they’re the top students in this school.” He shrugs.

Yoongi nearly chokes on his spit. “So you’re saying… you’re putting me on top of the food chain. The Whackjob Supremes. Kings of this Hellhole. You’re telling me, I’m going to live with these people for the rest of my stay in this university.”

Mr. Si Hyuk shrugs, making a small noise of discomfort. “Well, if you put it that way… yes.”

Yoongi turns his head and blinks at the man. “You’re my principal and all, but first of all, what the hell. Second of all, why the hell. Third of all, you have to be kidding me.”

Mr. Si Hyuk chuckles, raising a hand to give Yoongi’s shoulder a reassuring pat. “I know this school has quite a reputation, Mr. Min. But I can promise you, those six kids, are the smartest and most kind-hearted ones I know both inside and outside this school. They're very close-knitted and I'm sure they'll be very welcoming.”

Yoongi sighs. “Anything important I need to know before you give me my room keys and send me off to a place of war and bloodshed?”

Mr. Si Hyuk looks like he’s thinking it over for a half a minute, before he grabs Yoongi’s hand and places rusty looking keys in it. “The rest, I think it’ll be better if you find it all out for yourself.”

Yoongi gulps. “What do you mean?”

Mr. Si Hyuk shrugs. “Good luck, son.”

“Good luck?” Yoongi whispers to himself, when the principal turns his back on him and walks away. “Good.. good luck?”

He turns around and is met with twin doors, one reading ‘211’, the one next to it reading ‘212’.

He’s about to raise his hand to knock on the door of the first room, but alas;

“Jeon Jungkook, your pet spider just escaped from it’s damn habitat and is out to get us!” He hears a low voice scream frantically.

“Which one?!”

Which one?

Yoongi drops his hand. Maybe next time. Preferably, in the next life.

 

 

“Jihoonie, I’m not fucking around here!” Yoongi half screams half whispers into the phone, his other hand gripping onto the handle of his luggage. “One of my soon to be roommates has a fucking pet spider. Oh wait, no. No, no, no . Pet spiders ! With an s! Plural!”

“Hyung,” Jihoon says tiredly on the other end of the line, “You’re the one who told everyone you wanted to go to that school. You knew what you were getting yourself into.”

“This was not the level of whackjob I wanted to live with.” Yoongi sighed, dropping to the floor, frustratedly pulling on his hair with his free hand. “Anyway, I’m right outside the dorm room right now. Can’t bring myself to go in. It’s been about ten minutes, and from what I can hear, they’re still looking for the damn spider. Fucking. Pet. Spider.”

“Maybe you’re overreacting, hyung.” Jihoon tries to comfort his hysterical older brother, “Maybe it’s not a pet. Maybe it was just… lurking around their room.”

“They’re calling him Taekookie, Jihoon. He named the spider. He named it.” Yoongi moans.

There’s a small silence before Jihoon clicks his tongue. “Welp. I’m gonna go get my rosary. I’m hanging up, hyung. I’ll pray for you everyday.”

“Jihoon, wait-”

The line goes dead and Yoongi nearly screams.

“Uh-” He hears someone from above him, and when he looks up, he’s met with a shirtless boy, not much taller than himself, broom in hand, opening the door slightly before hurriedly closing it behind him to block out the noise. “You okay over there?”

Oh. Yoongi thinks. Guess he really did scream.

“Oh, uh,” Yoongi says, hoisting himself up, hurriedly shoving his phone into his back pocket. “Hey, sorry, uh, momentary mental breakdown, was counting down to my demise but I’m good now.”

“Ah,” The boy says, smiling a bit, “I get the feel. You’re the new student we were told about? Min Yoongi? Junior?”

Yoongi nods. “And you’re… my new roommate.”

“Seokjin, but you can call me Jin hyung. A senior.” The boy says, raising his free hand for him to shake. “Wow, didn’t expect you to actually room with us.”

Yoongi raises an eyebrow. “Should I be… concerned that I am?”

Seokjin shakes his head hurriedly. “Don’t wanna say anything too weird about them on your first day. If you’re willing to now, then come on in.”

Yoongi takes a deep breath and tries to prepare himself to meet the rest of them, thinking that hey , this dude didn’t really seem so bad, maybe the rest of them weren’t either.

But once the door opens, he’s met with chaos that no regular human could’ve ever prepared themselves for. Seokjin sighs, looking at the sight in front of them as if it were an everyday thing.

“This is what it’s like everyday.” Seokjin explains, giving Yoongi a side glance. “But don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”

“Somehow,” Yoongi gulps, “-after hearing all the chaos over a pet spider, I’m not surprised.”

Seokjin ignores this comment and raises a finger to point at a tall but baby-faced boy, standing on top of a stool, a vacuum in his hand, raised and pointed to a corner of their ceiling.

“That one’s Jeon Jungkook, a freshman and our newest addition to the dorm before you. He owns Taekookie, the pet spider who went missing just a few minutes ago. He has three others. Moonie, Chim and Joonjin.”

“Jungkookie!” Seokjin calls softly, patting the boy’s leg lightly, grabbing his attention. “New dormmate. Min Yoongi. Junior.”

Jungkook acknowledges him with wide eyes and a bright smile. “Hi, new hyung!” He says, before turning his attention back to the vacuum.

“What are you doing... exactly?” Yoongi can’t help but ask.

“Sorry, m’busy catching fruit flies, for the sake of dorm peace.” Jungkook says, “Anyway, glad you noticed.”

“Christ.” Yoongi breathes out.

Seokjin nodded his head. “Honestly? Same.” He then turns his head and motions to the tall boy with glasses sitting on the couch, focused on a book.

“That’s Kim Namjoon, a Junior. Top student of this school. You don’t need to concern yourself with him. He’s harmless compared to the younger kids. Just… just try to remember that he’s not allowed to touch any sharp objects in this house, okay?”

Yoongi cocks his head. “Why exactly?”

“Let’s just say…” Seokjin says, trying to think of how to say it in a less terrifying way, “Hobi’s left toe will never be the same.”

“Hey, babe!” Seokjin calls out, Namjoon raising his head. “Care to tell our new roomie about how you almost killed Jung Hoseok?”

“Killed is a big word. Hello, new roommate. Min Yoongi, right?” Namjoon says, before turning his attention back to Seokjin. “And don’t use me to scare the new student! That’s what we have Taehyung and Jimin for!”

Yoongi momentarily loses his breath and rethinks every single decision that has led him to this point of his life. “Christ.”

Seokjin nods again. “Same. Anyway,” He motions to a boy focused on the TV, screaming something about “ Okay, but that’s like, the fourteenth demon summoning this week, holy shit!

“That one is Jung Hoseok, a Junior, has a blackhole as a mouth. He’s cool, just very, very loud.” At this, Seokjin drags Yoongi by the wrist and leads him to a desk at the side of the room. He hurriedly fishes for something in the depths of the drawer and hands Yoongi a pair of earplugs.

Yoongi blinks at it. “Is this really necessary?”

Seokjin pats him on the back. “You’re about to live with Hoseok, Taehyung and Jimin. Believe me, you’ll be on your knees thanking me later.”

“Taehyung and Jimin?” Yoongi asks. Seokjin’s about to open his mouth, but before he could speak, Yoongi raises a hand to stop him.

“You know what? I’m too scared to find out. Don’t tell me anything. You can stop right there.”

Seokjin gives him a sympathetic look. “Did Sir Bang tell you about us bribing him into letting us all room together?”

Yoongi’s about to deny this, but curiosity gets the best of him. “How can anyone’s cooking be that bad?”

That’s when Seokjin motions with his finger for Yoongi to come with him and he opens a screen door at the back very slightly, and he sees a boy, bangs covering up to right above his eyelids, crouched down, doing the laundry, saying something that sounded like “ I understand that, Princess Peach. But what is this about a dragon?

Yoongi slowly turns his head to look at Seokjin. “I need the context.”

“He just likes talking to himself sometimes. It’s usually stuff like that. I can’t explain. No one can.” Seokjin whispers, slowly closing the door again. “Kim Taehyung, call him Tae. A sophomore. That’s all I can say. I don’t know what to say about him. The boy leaves me speechless. I’m not sure how anyone like him can exist, but it’s true. He does. A wonderfully weird kid, that one. You’ll love him.”

“Are you sure?” Yoongi asks, making a face.

“Positive. Sort of.” Seokjin says, waving a hand. “Anyway, there’s one more… I think he’s in his room.”

“Hyung, don’t go in without knocking again!” Hoseok calls out, momentarily turning his attention from the TV screen to them. “God knows what he could be doing in there this time. That will not look pretty for a new student.”

“Ah, yes.” Seokjin says. “Keep that in mind, Yoongi. If the bedroom door is closed, you better knock. Don’t just enter. Don’t do it. Don’t do it if you value your life and your mental health.”

“The brain bleach had been required last time.” Taehyung added, entering the dorm, patting himself off. “Hi, I’m Kim Taehyung, but I prefer to be called Shemeneme Naka Nemete.”

“What-”

Seokjin raises a finger to Yoongi’s lips. “If you’re not prepared to hear the explanation, don’t ask. Anyway, let’s introduce you to Jimin, shall we?”

Seokjin knocks thrice and they’re answered with a sweet voice calling out “ You may enter!” And when Seokjin swings the door open, Yoongi didn’t expect to be met by a boy sitting on a bed, laptop perched on his lap, the boy clad in nothing but black boxers.

And he smiles. This… god awful cute smile that made his eyes disappear and he stands up, setting his laptop down. “You’re rooming with us?”

“We have the same smile.” Yoongi says before he can stop himself.

Both Seokjin and Jimin raise their eyebrows at him and Yoongi stutters a bit.

“What I mean is… my eyes disappear when I smile too. Don’t take it as an insult though, it’s-”

Jimin shakes his head and chuckles. “Don’t worry. I think it’s one of my charms. Yours too.”

Seokjin claps both of them on the back. “Min Yoongi, Junior, new kid. Park Jimin, sophomore, muscle pig.”

Jimin smiles. “Nice to meet you, hyung! I think we’ll get along just fine!”

Yoongi’s about to smile back and say that he thought so too, before Seokjin had to go ahead and say “Should we tell him about that time you tried to walk the spiders and half the building evacuated?”

“One time, hyung!” Jimin screams, “One fucking time!”

 


Once Seokjin shows Yoongi to his new room, he’s tempted to lock himself in there and never come out. Meeting six boys unlike any other human he’s ever met in his time in this Earth was a little bit too much to take in one afternoon.

But Yoongi checks the clock on his bedside table and reads 11:47 pm. It was his first day of actual class tomorrow and he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch. All he’d done was nap, in fear of having to eat dinner with the others. Who knew what kind of food they liked to eat? It was an irrational fear, but they had four pet spiders, Yoongi didn’t know what to expect anymore.

He sighs to himself and decides he’s not going to attend class tomorrow with an empty stomach. He groans, sitting up from his bed and tousling his hair a bit. He looks down and wonders for a second, if it was too much for him to be going out shirtless on his first day living with them but he recalls how two people (namely, Jin and Jimin) had been shirtless on their first meeting so Yoongi decides it’s probably cool between men anyway.

He yawns and stretches like a creature of the night, opening the door and being met with almost complete darkness. The other six had gone back to their own rooms, Yoongi could still hear the sound of TVs, video games, bickering.

He reaches out blindly for a mug and looks for coffee mix, sugar, anything to drink, but realizes he never did get to ask Seokjin where anything in the kitchen was. He sighs.

He stares at the half opened door to Seokjin and Namjoon’s room and he slowly makes his way to it, pushing it open. He’s met with the two cuddling in bed, watching what seemed to be Lion King.

Yoongi realizes he’s heard Seokjin call Namjoon “babe” just a few hours ago, but he didn’t know they were actually… well, like this .

“Uh, hyung,” Yoongi coughs awkwardly. “Sorry, if I’m disturbing anything-”

“Oh, no, not at all.” Seokjin says, hoisting himself up, giving Namjoon a short peck on the lips saying ‘ be right back, babe ’ before walking to Yoongi. “What’s up?”

Yoongi tries not to act shocked when he asks. “U-uh, just… The sugar. I don’t know where the sugar is.”

“Oh,” Seokjin chuckles, “Sorry, forgot to show you around the kitchen. I usually handle all that stuff. So if you want anything, coffee, hot chocolate, food, anything at all, just tell me. But, if you want to do it yourself this time, go ahead. It’s at the third cabinet from the left. Bottom shelf.”

Yoongi gulps and nods. “Thanks, hyung. I’m good.”

Seokjin smiles before closing the door.

Yoongi’s never had an issue with gay people, not at all. But he didn’t really see that one coming. He cocks his head. He had to admit, they did look pretty cute together though.

As he makes his way back to the kitchen, he’s met with Taehyung and Jungkook sticking their heads out of their shared room.

“Hyung!” Taehyung calls out, louder than Yoongi deemed necessary in any given situation that did not involve torture or murder.

“What the-” Yoongi lets out a long sigh and clutches his chest. “Jesus. I almost shit my pants. What?”

“You have condoms?” Taehyung asks, quietly this time. “Ran out. Don’t really wanna fuck without them.”

Yoongi blinks at the two of them, realizing neither of them had shirts on and their hair looked anything but fixed. “You two…” He asks, motioning to them both with his finger.

Jungkook nods. “Since I was fifteen, actually.”

Yoongi sighs again, closing his eyes, doing his best to take everything in all at once. “Wow. Wow, that’s nice. Uh, no, I don’t, actually. Go ask Jin hyung.”

Taehyung shrugs and walks out the room butt naked, boner up in all its glory.

“Preferably, with clothes.” Yoongi groans, shielding his eyes and turning away.

He reaches up to grab the sugar and as he sets it on the table, he sees Jimin making his way to the kitchen as well, flashing Yoongi a smile, before taking a glass. “You alright? You look a bit… overwhelmed.”

Jimin's eyes trail down Yoongi's bare torso but Yoongi doesn't really notice because, well, he may have been doing the same thing because, really? Wow.  

“Yeah, yeah, I’m..” Yoongi says, carefully opening the lid. “Just… long day. Really, really fucking long day.”

Jimin chuckles, downing a glass of water before making his way behind Yoongi, grabbing his shoulders and softly kneading them.

Yoongi stiffens for a moment, not used to such physical affection after just meeting, but he relaxes anyway and sighs. “Thanks.”

“I know we’re a bit much,” Jimin says, voice strangely low, “- but don’t worry. We don’t bite.”

“If you don’t ask us to!” Hoseok suddenly adds, seemingly appearing out of thin air.

Jimin gives Hoseok a tired look and shakes his head. “I’m telling you, hyung. If we scare him off, we’re never getting another new roommate ever again.”

And Yoongi doesn’t want to be disrespectful, doesn’t want to make them feel bad, but he can’t stop himself from asking.

“Did you know Namjoon and Jin hyung and Jungkook and Taehyung are dating?”

Hoseok and Jimin just give him a weird look for half a second and shrug.

“Ah, forgot we never told you,” Jimin said waving a hand, “Jungkookie and Tae-Tae have been friends since they were in diapers, they’re pretty much meant to be, no one was surprised. And as for Namjoon hyung and Jin hyung, they’re pretty much our parents. Been together ever since we got here.”

Yoongi nods in understanding at this. “Wow. That’s… that’s cool. Wow. Nice.”

Jimin smiles. “Isn’t it? They’re lucky to have each other. It’s why I’m so glad you’re here, hyung. I want to say Hobi hyung here can sympathize with me but he’s out on dates with other guys every other day.”

Yoongi nearly drops his mug, and looks up at Hoseok. “Oh.. you’re… you roll that way too?”

Hoseok and Jimin pause all movement and their eyes turn from amused to just downright confused.

“Well,” Hoseok said with a smile that looked forced, “yeah, it’s why I’m… well, here .”

Yoongi blinks. Once. Twice. Thrice. “Huh?”

“Hyung,” Jimin says, laughing awkwardly, “I mean, Sir Bang Si Hyuk put you with us for a reason, right? I mean… I’m sure he would’ve said something about it before he gave you the keys.”

“We wanted to room together because we feel most comfortable with each other. I mean, a lot of us have known each other since we were kids and well, the first people we came out to was pretty much each other.” Hoseok explains.

Yoongi gulps. “So… all of you are?”

Jimin backs away slowly. “Wait, wait, wait. You are too... aren’t you?”

There’s a very, very tense silence.

“I’m... straight.” Yoongi says, voice almost a whisper.

Jimin and Hoseok blink simultaneously. If it were possible for jaws to drop to the floor, Yoongi likes to think that’s what happened right then.

“I’m sorry,” Jimin said, raising a finger, “I’m going to have to ask you to walk me through that just one more time.”

“I’m straight.” Yoongi repeat, a bit louder this time. “Like, I’m cool with the fact that you guys are gay, if that’s what you’re worried about, but yeah, I’m.. I’m straight.”

“Well.” Hoseok says, calmly. “Well shit.” He turns to Jimin, face turning sympathetic, “You okay there, bud?”

Jimin, finger still raised, starts talking in a very, very high pitched voice. “I think I need to take a moment.”

Jimin starts walking away, finger still fucking raised. Yoongi wants to inform him to put his hand down.

“Where are you going?” Hoseok asks, eyes trailing after Jimin.

“I don’t know!” Jimin says exasperatedly, “To my room! To wallow in my despair! To cry! To--” He motions to Yoongi’s shirtless state, “-- masturbate! Fuck! Fuck! I’m sorry! Good night! I’m off to hell!”

He enters his room and shuts the door after him. Hoseok turns to look at Yoongi and Yoongi’s entire body has gone stiff.

Hoseok’s eyes go from Yoongi, to Jimin’s room. Then back to Yoongi, and Jimin’s room again. Hoseok clicks his tongue.

“GUYS!” He screams at the top of his lungs. “YOONGI’S STRAIGHT!”

In three seconds, heads are poking out of doors.

“WHAT?!”

“Shame. I shipped him with Jimin.”

"Are you absolutely sure?"

Taehyung’s eyes go from Yoongi to the closed room next to his own. He sighs and shakes his head. “The two tragic bastards.”